Maybe

Hey readers,

I have Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of autism (though to me it is not mild and it is present every day in my life).

Though there are so many areas to discuss autism today I am going to focus on one thing that affects me and causes great distress at the moment.

 That is the word 'maybe', which by the way I hate it and I hate it in relation to a response to a question. It is covered in grey and makes me stressed, especially when it is a response to a question which I want a definite answer (which 90% of the time).

You see as an autistic person I like control, I like to know what is happening. I love routine it comforts me. Sometimes I admit I get too rigid that I get struck and obsessive making my health deteriorate.

 One of the reasons is because I like black and white, I don't like the murky waters of the unknown. I never have, I feel it is innate and my body responds instantly. 

I can remember as a young child-hating change and uncertainty. I had carers who seemed unpredictable which is not great if you have an autistic mind like myself you get very confused as to what is happening. 

 I was on edge not knowing how someone would respond. I had night terrors because of the fear. That is just one example.

Maybe I will, maybe I won't? but why can't I have a yes or a no? Often, I didn't care, either way, I was more focused on the answer to be certain. I don't like guessing games, I like certainty.

I don't know really what is the point to the point of this post, I just wanted to get it off my chest because right now I am dealing with maybe which quite frankly is most infuriating.

Cheers for reading X

The struggle is within

Hey readers,

I don't often discuss my parenting issues in relation to my autism, mainly because I am embarrassed and quite frankly ashamed.

I am going to be straight up and honest and say that I struggle with this parenting thing. 

Let's be more specific as I am aware that actually, I am good at some bits. 

Depression would argue but that it is the truth. However, the one area I do struggle with is mainly with my boys and trying to entertain him for long periods. 

I feel guilty if I can't entertain my children but stuck in a dilemma where I can't concentrate on people for long periods of time, it totally exhausted me. 

I am also an introvert so therefore need time alone to store back my energy. I find interacting exhausting as a lot of the time I am thinking beforehand about how to communicate.

 The times when I am not thinking are when I am being impulsive due to anxiety therefore not censoring and not always saying the right. 

Not really rude, just random and repetitive. Kinda overlaps with ADHD/OCD traits I have learned. I don't have ADHD but with Aspergers there many overlapping traits from other conditions that are apparent. I digress (a major trait of mine right there).

I find it hard to entertain as there are many thought processes that occur and that is tiring. 9 times out of 10 after ten minutes of play I am exhausted mentally.

 I need to do nothing and shut down as I have used all my energy up focusing on that one action that takes many different social rules.

I think one area that is really tough for like me as an autistic living in a technological world (though most of the time it is the dream) I do get sucked into the whole idea of perfect parenting with this idea that you have to entertain your children all the time.

I am one of the few or many not many other autistic people have spoken out in actually I do care what people think and I am very aware of me. 

I am not dissing autistic people that don't give a dame, in actual fact, I admire you and wish I was bloody like that, hell it would so liberating. But I have not reached that acceptance of me.

I wish I could just be laid back, but it seems I am a worrier and feel that because I am an autistic parent I need to make up for my inadequacies.

Cheers for reading X

Introverted parents

Hey readers,

Sometimes I worry that I am not good enough parent simply because I am an introvert. 

I accept I am an introvert and there are some really good qualities that come with that type of personality.

When I look back as a child I saw people judge me because I didn't always have a voice or couldn't find the words to say what I needed to say. I believe that this was a mix of my personality and having autism.

 Communication is not my strongest point. However, I remember feeling bad because it kept getting mentioned. You see some points in my childhood I lived in the care system and there really was a lot of loud children that wanted to be heard.

 I was judged because I was not the status quo and then it made me question am I good enough?! I used to think that because I was quiet and philosophical in the sense I liked to reflect and ponder over things. 

People notice loud people, that is fine it takes all sorts to make the world go round. The problem is at such a young age I interpreted the messages that I was not good enough. Being quiet wasn't good, I wouldn't get anywhere in life because I couldn't form friendships. 

To me communication meant opportunity. I still believe that to some extent. Nonetheless, I have come to accept who I am and that world needs both quiet and loud as they both in their own right carry brilliant attributes.

Sadly, there is also a downside, like everything I guess. Sadly, you can't change who you are, I love quiet time and crave time alone where I can just be left alone to think. When I have time alone it gives me the opportunity to not have to think about the socialising which coincidently my husband thrives off it.

I am lucky in the sense I have a supportive husband that understands my needs and that yes it is selfish but selfish can be good, especially when it keeps the family home life calm.

I find social interaction exhausting with my children at times. I am not saying I hate my children most of the time I enjoy it and find it really fun and amusing. However, it can be really mentally draining for me. 

I suppose it doesn't help that I am autistic as well so uses up a lot more energy trying to read the social situation. I feel like I am constantly trying to work out how to respond correctly. Not to mention my eldest is also autistic and has his own needs on top of everything else.

I think it takes a lot more energy for introverted parents like myself as I spend more time processing emotional stuff and probably overthinking things a bit too much too. 

This can be good but also can be exhausted as it takes it out of you, let's face it generally parenting is hard work so there is not much energy left for much more.

One good aspect of being an introverted parent is the fact that it can be a positive role model in the sense that shows that it is ok to have quiet time and do your own thing. 

It can also teach children that not every moment someone wants noise and that sometimes people need space.

Cheers for reading X

Anxiety

Hey readers,

As a long-term sufferer from anxiety, I have learned a lot on the way from experiencing anxiety. For one thing, anxiety is the pits!

 At times when feeling anxious, it feels very real especially when your heart is pounding so hard you feel that it may feel out of your body.

Over the years anxiety scared me ironically. I wanted to run away and try to hide from it but if you have ever suffered from anxiety then it will find you and you will be sure made aware of it. If anything running away from the anxiety actually makes it worse in my opinion and the experience I have had of anxiety.

Over the years I have come to one conclusion with anxiety is to accept it for what it is. Ok, it is a regular visitor but it is definitely not a friend because it is not very nice. But accepting it and feeling the feelings is ok, it doesn't make me a failure, which I believed for a very long time.

Accepting the anxiety and knowing that the anxious thoughts are not always true and sometimes my behaviour is just learned from all the years of fear. It is a warped way of protecting myself. 

Now I embrace it, I allow it to come. If I have a panic attack or breakdown in tears I let it come. It is ok and actually, it is so much more manageable than before. 

This mindset has helped. Likewise, with feelings of failure, I know that anxiety is something that may be with me all my life but it doesn't mean I am weak or I give in. I accept it and work with it the best I can at that time.

You have to ride with the anxiety like the waves of the sea. Sometimes I experience anxiety and it can be only a day where I am cribbled with intense dread. 

Other times I go through periods of total exhaustion, tearfulness, panic attacks etc. That is ok. It is ok not to be ok. It is ok not to be superhuman and it is ok to have anxiety. It doesn't make me less of a person. I am not anxiety, anxiety is part of me but there are many more layers to me.

I am still learning about my mental health, it is not easy especially when you are vulnerable and prone to the negativity it can catch you out, anxiety is a bugger like that. 

 But I am with wisdom moving on with anxiety, if it is there it is there but I am not going to run away from it or be scared of it anymore. I think this is one of the most valuable lessons that I have learned in life. I am not superhuman but I can feel and appreciate the feelings. 

They belong to me and I can respond to them anyway I chose. It is my life and the anxiety does not control me, I am the controller of anxiety.

Cheers for reading X

With or without anxiety

Hey readers,

I am struggling with my anxiety at the moment. One moment I feel like I am doing alright with life and then the next thing bang the darkness appears. I swear at times anxiety hates me, it is on 24-hour alert to catch me, especially when I am most venerable. 

It hates the fact that I am doing OK and hates to see me managing and getting on with life. My brain needs anxiety I feel, I can't relax and that is the biggest downfall. 

As I have experienced anxiety for so long where it is not there I worry about worrying if you know what I mean.

I have this inability to relax. I like the adrenaline at times, feeling alert and it almost feels like a way to clarify that I am alive and living.

I have had anxiety for most of my life that when I am not having anxiety I think it is my problem adapting to change. It feels weird to not have the anxiety around.

I am learning to try and let go, allow that anxiety to come and to try not to shy away from it. it is what it is, fear brings it on and that's not healthy either.

 I think being present at the moment with the anxiety is one of my biggest challenges. I can't believe how hard it is to just be and face the anxiety head-on.

 I am on alert, my body is tight, my muscles and mind hurt. Every night I have a splitting headache due to fighting this anxiety.

It feels like I am doing a mental workout, it is exhausting but with being anxiety warrior you can't deny resilience is there. 

Good or bad resilience it is in me and I keep on fighting when at times I just want to hide under a fort, but sadly I need to get up and go, with or without anxiety.

However, that being said I have spent years trying to get rid of this anxiety. Now, I am trying a new approach where I allow it to come, greet it with open arms. 

I don't want to be scared of anxiety anymore. I have autism as well and anxiety is a common trait for a lot of people on the spectrum including me. So, instead of trying to change it, I am going to acknowledge the anxiety.

 Sometimes the anxiety can be good, it might make me think twice about what I am doing. it may be anxiety cause let's face it not all anxiety is bad. 

I think the media portray it with negative connotations but you can use to your advantage.

The main line of this anxiety post is that I am trying to learn to live with the anxiety, accept it for what it is.

I don't put everything I have one then anxiety and know that it is the only sort of me. it doesn't define me and that actually in control of my life.

Cheers for reading X

Assortment

Hey readers, 

My word of the week is:

This week has been very much a mixed bag of emotions. I have had some good and some hard times. I treated my hubby to a meal at Cafe Rouge on Monday whilst the kids were at school. Which was lovely, as it was more relaxed and we could actually talk. 

My eldest this week moved up to stage 7 which I am really proud because some of the stuff with coordination is really difficult.  

Both my boys did really well on Friday with sports day and my youngest got first in the 20m and my eldest got second in the xxx metres. 

I have been struggling with my obsessive thoughts which have caused me to have quite a bad meltdown. I really struggle with the social aspects of things, I just remind me of childhood and I guess also upsets me.

I won't leave this post on a negative point because I feel guilty for sharing my thoughts. So, at the weekend the sun was out and we had a lovely picnic in the park and the boys loved having a runaround. 

Hope you have had a good week. 

Cheers for reading X 

A to Z of autism

Hey readers,

As an autistic person and a lover of the A to Z post I thought I would combine the two and see what I would come up with...here goes!

A - Autism obvs!

B - Biological family members are linked to autism as well associated with me. 

C - Communication is somewhat a struggle. 

D - you can still manage in life even with a diagnosis. 

E - Elopment where I just leave without telling anyone or letting my husband where I am going. 

F - Focus is strong when I am obsessed with a topic.

G - Girls have autism too!!!!

H - Hypoactivity occurs most nights.

I - More information needs to be made aware of adults who have autism.

J -  An autistic person likes things just so. 

K - Keep things consistent.

L - Language is difficult whether it is non - verbal or verbal it is hard to know how to get it to acceptable levels at times.

M - Meltdown because I have had a fair share of them.

N - Neurotypicals need to be said because we have to abide by there rules.

O - Overwhelmed in most cases. 

P - Patterns are comforting.

Q - Quiet helps calm me down.

R - Routine is worshipped. 

S - Sensory over or under it will be there somewhere.

T - Tired because it is hard work trying to remember all these rules. 

U - If I am not overwhelmed then I am underwhelmed and it is hard work trying to get the right balance of stimuli. 

V - Vocal in terms of speech where I don't know my volume, can either really loud or quiet as a mouse. 

W - Worry seems to make an appearance often in my autistic world.

X  - Fragile X is a close relative of autism. 

Y - You are not less with autism.

Z - Zoloft medication helps my obsessive nature.

Cheers for reading X  

Small spaces and autism

Hey readers,

When it comes to small spaces and my autism in some instances I like to be in small spaces. Other times small spaces make me feel really claustrophobic making me feel like I  want to run away and be free. 

Therefore in this post, I'm going to split up for reasons why I like small spaces and reasons why I don't small spaces. 

So why do I love small spaces as an autistic person? 

I think one of the reasons I like small spaces, in particular, is when I'm having a meltdown I feel like I need to curl up in a fetal position. I want to hide away in a small space where no one can get me that is dark and secure and safe.

 I identify my bedroom as my safe place and that is where I go to escape the emotional situation that can cause me to a breakdown of sorts. 

when I am in a small space I find that there are fewer stimuli for me to concentrate on. Therefore it calms me down a lot more quickly than when I am in a very stimulating environment where there is a lot going on. The type of stimuli that affects me is noise from the TV, bright lights, someone touching me. So, shutting out that noise helps calm me down and dispenses the meltdown. 

When I go into a small space it helps me to stop the overthinking and fast thoughts that occur in my mind. Small spaces give me a chance to reduce my feelings of being overwhelmed and trying to process this information when I'm deeply anxious. 

when I am in a small space it's normally deep within a quilt on a quilt on a quilt so that I am warm and secure in my small space. The small space and being closed in helps me feel safe again.  

Looking back and evaluating how I respond to small spaces I think one of the reasons that I see small spaces at times positive for me because they are comforting when I'm distress or when I'm anxious. Going to a safe and small space gives me that time to hideaway. 

Reasons why I do not like small spaces? 

I guess like most things the way I think about things is black or white and this the small spaces. Sometimes I deeply enjoy them and other times I detest them, there is no in-between for me. 

I don't like small spaces when I am in a busy place or I am not coping well with my anxiety. I feel trapped and find it hard to think of solutions, therefore, have felt that this is going to be forever. 

I need to feel in control and when I am not it causes upsets and meltdowns. Another time I don't like small spaces is at bus stops waiting for the bus. 

I feel really paranoid when there are others provided the space. I have been knowing to stand in the pouring rain because I don't like the entrapment. 

Cheers for reading X

Experiences

Hey readers, 

My word of the week is:

This is because we have been to do a couple things. On Saturday was a really busy day for us as a family. My youngest had his work displayed at a different school as it was an entry piece for the local young artist's competition. 

Later on in the afternoon, my eldest had free tickets to see Coventry City play at the stadium. My boys were desperate to go and watch a football match. I am not a fan of football, to be honest, but now my boys can say they have to a match and experienced it first hand. 

Also, this week we have started getting more SATS homework for my eldest as he is year 2 and the tests will be coming soon. It is a bit annoying as he has five different types of homework to complete and I think at his age is too much for him personally, but you what can you do.  

Anyhow hope you have had a good week. 

Cheers for reading X 

Change

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

This is because I've had a couple of changes and that something I struggle with. but hey go carry on and all the stuff. 

My youngest had an awful cough and was sick because of the mucus. His temp was also up and on Monday he was like death. So he had a couple of days to recuperate.  

Also, this week both my boys had the opportunity of parents coming to have lunch with them. Sadly my youngest was sick but my eldest was fine so he had the choice of mummy and daddy. 

So he picked me eek was expecting that. Still, even though my anxiety was through the roof I did it by myself so was that slightly nerve-wracking. my eldest was also very tense and anxious so I something to focus on to try and keep him calm. 

He also is not good with the change to routine and he doesn't like the noise which was a lot more now that there were more people than normal in the dinner Hall. 

Anyhow, hope you have had a good week 

Cheers for reading. X