I am a slug!

Hey readers,

I promised to write more positive posts but then I would not be true to myself. I don't want to give the impression my life is all lovely and full of flowers when really it can be pretty crap being autistic and trying to cope.

My brain is dead!

One of the things I seem to struggle is finding my mojo....whereever you are please come back soon, I miss the buzz of the get-up and go!

I feel meh....I know it is only a feeling and that too shall pass. But right now it is hard work to get up and go. I wish I had motivation but having quite an emotional week with downers and feeling well suicidal at one point. 

I kept thinking life would be much better if I wasn't here, I f*ck up too much. Don't worry it was a brief moment when I was right down low and I wanted me to take me.

 I am still here fighting. I am always fighting and you know what it is bloody tiring. I have to battle my thoughts and try to get on with it and during the summer holiday, it is more intense.

I am sure I will feel better soon, emotions are exhausting and you need time to heal. I sure do, I am exhausting, I just want to stop thinking for a bit. I am constantly planning and preparing because if I don't then I stumble, badly. 

Communication, as I have said previously in posts, is something I struggle with, even if it is with people I know. I tend to have a catalogue or format in my head on how to speak. 

Sometimes, I am too exhausted. You could call me anti-social - which would be true. However, space is a big thing for me, I am an introvert by heart and I have come to accept that. I need calm and quiet to move forward.

I suppose writing this out, it has helped clear my thoughts and made me realise that the one thing I need is rest. I need time to heal. It is important to me and it will help greatly.

  I used to be embarrassed by the fact that the social aspect of life makes me so tired and frequently need that rest. 

I think because of a lot of mental energy and that soon saps away especially if I am working harder as I don't have the correct natural skills to do the communicating so many people so automatic and they don't have to even think about.

Sometimes, we have to stop and have a break. It just feels that everywhere there is this notion that you have to be on the go 24-7 but that isn't the case? 

I suppose that is why the slow movement has been come popular and a lot of people like myself are getting tired of this fast pace called life.

I think one of the hardest things for me as an autistic is to accept that some things will always be a struggle and that they do tire me.

 I need to learn to rest and not see myself as a failure because of this. I am sure people don't look at people with a broken leg or whatever and view them as not thriving. 

I just have to work around my limitations and do what can do. At least I can say I have tried.

Cheers for reading X

My Sunday Photo 29/07/2018

Change

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

First of to kick start the summer hols on day son decides to run in the kitchen with the tablet and accidentally drop it on the floor. Restyling in leaving a wonderful massive crack on the tablet, excellent stuff.

We decided to try out the camping for one night this week and sadly I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't cope with the whole situation due to my autism. SO now I feel pretty crappy about myself about the whole situation that I am not good parent again because I cannot do what normal people do. 

I had a meltdown because of all the stresses and I worry that my husband thinks I'm a right diva but I'm not I just can't cope with the situation. I am useless with change and dealing with new environments especially when it involves waiting around. It just a big massive trigger for me.

Cheers for reading X

End

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

because it is finally the end of the summer term and glad for a break because both I and the boys are shattered. why is it at the end of the year I just feel washed out.

Hubby has benefits sorting out camping as we are doing it again this year. I struggle with spending days away with my autism so we are going to have to small holidays in the UK, making it more manageable for me and my health. I am blessed that my eldest is so understanding with me and how I am.

I can not believe also that now both my boys will be going to school in September, eek! Also means having to pay for two sets of school shoes, joy!

Husband has been helping at my son's beaver class and he is now an official leader. I predicted he would by the end of the year, I love it when. I am right haha.

Cheers for reading X

Singing.

Hey readers,

my word of the week is:

This is because my son has spent a large proportion of his time at school and home practising for his singing performance at school on Wednesday.

Due to his autism, his anxiety was through the roof so we have been finding ways to calm that done. He loves the singing element.

Thank goodness for YouTube for where he can listen to the song and practice at home

.

In other good news, he went to London on a school day trips and loved it. ever since he was younger he has been obsessed with London.

DS1 also receded his star of the week for reflecting and looking back on how much he has improved over the school year.

DS2 had started his swimming lessons this week and it has really helped him with his confidence. He also went to his second induction for his new school which he is super excited when using his nursery friend that he plays with all the time is going to be in the same class.

I have been enjoying the cooler end of the week and to be finally getting to sleep at night after it being so muggy at the start.

Cheers for reading X

My Sunday Photo 08/07/2018

Events

Hey readers,

This weeks word of the week is

because there has been so much on. First, my eldest had his sports day. Was really pleased that he is learning to not get bogged down with the whole winning but focusing on just enjoying the sports.

My youngest had his first taster session at school this week and he loved it. He loved all the activities and just being in the same school as his big brother. Both boys were happy to find that the youngest is going to be in the same reception class that the eldest when he first started. Simple pleasures eh when you are young.

In other news, my eldest had his school parents review to see how he has been getting on during the summer term. He has been meeting his targets which is good because we were worried. 

When my ds1 comes how he frequently says that he gets zero for his spelling at least we know now that not to be the case and he is doing alright. The way his anxiety was really got us worried. So that gave us some reassurance.

Cheers for reading X

My Sunday Photo 01/07/2018