With or without anxiety

Hey readers,

I am struggling with my anxiety at the moment. One moment I feel like I am doing alright with life and then the next thing bang the darkness appears. I swear at times anxiety hates me, it is on 24-hour alert to catch me, especially when I am most venerable. 

It hates the fact that I am doing OK and hates to see me managing and getting on with life. My brain needs anxiety I feel, I can't relax and that is the biggest downfall. 

As I have experienced anxiety for so long where it is not there I worry about worrying if you know what I mean.

I have this inability to relax. I like the adrenaline at times, feeling alert and it almost feels like a way to clarify that I am alive and living.

I have had anxiety for most of my life that when I am not having anxiety I think it is my problem adapting to change. It feels weird to not have the anxiety around.

I am learning to try and let go, allow that anxiety to come and to try not to shy away from it. it is what it is, fear brings it on and that's not healthy either.

 I think being present at the moment with the anxiety is one of my biggest challenges. I can't believe how hard it is to just be and face the anxiety head-on.

 I am on alert, my body is tight, my muscles and mind hurt. Every night I have a splitting headache due to fighting this anxiety.

It feels like I am doing a mental workout, it is exhausting but with being anxiety warrior you can't deny resilience is there. 

Good or bad resilience it is in me and I keep on fighting when at times I just want to hide under a fort, but sadly I need to get up and go, with or without anxiety.

However, that being said I have spent years trying to get rid of this anxiety. Now, I am trying a new approach where I allow it to come, greet it with open arms. 

I don't want to be scared of anxiety anymore. I have autism as well and anxiety is a common trait for a lot of people on the spectrum including me. So, instead of trying to change it, I am going to acknowledge the anxiety.

 Sometimes the anxiety can be good, it might make me think twice about what I am doing. it may be anxiety cause let's face it not all anxiety is bad. 

I think the media portray it with negative connotations but you can use to your advantage.

The main line of this anxiety post is that I am trying to learn to live with the anxiety, accept it for what it is.

I don't put everything I have one then anxiety and know that it is the only sort of me. it doesn't define me and that actually in control of my life.

Cheers for reading X