paranoia and autism

Hey readers, 

Paranoia it seems like a close friend all of these years lurking in the background of murky mind that comes out when I feel scared, threatened or vulnerable.

I suppose you could say it is partially due to past trauma from emotional abuse where I was told every day by the perpetrator that they are watching you and they know everything.

 It left me on tenterhooks, always worried whether I am doing the right thing. This was pretty hard to achieve when you have autism and screw up so often that I may as well give up achieving this the expectation of me when it is never going to be in reach.

This abuse happened a long time and it left a lasting effect on my self-esteem and the way I view people. 

I don’t trust maybe people. Again in my adulthood, I was let down by my best friend with untrue claims that nearly broke my family up. Sadly, her claims were flawed and with time I rebuild my family unit. However, it once again left me feeling vulnerable and a struggle to trust people.

I fear that I am often judged because of my autism, I don’t actually, tell most people about my autism, I still struggle with my disability even after all these years.

 I have been judged so much over my life that it is hard to be open plus I hate my autism, it stops me from being something that I will never achieve.

If you are wondering who knows about my autism well it is more the fact that my husband tells people. 

He thinks people should know but I don’t want people to know, I want to put my barrier up and put myself in a vulnerable situation. However, I know he is right but when I am feeling scared I want to hideaway.

My husband is what would call an advocate about being open and honest telling people about autism.

 He talks to other parents about it and it makes me unhappy, it makes me very paranoia that people are talking about me and it stems back to the original trauma. 

My mind can't deal with it as I am not in control and my thoughts go into overdrive. They are intrusive and when I am having a bad day I am so emotional by the end I don’t even know how I have made it that day. 

The thoughts are so rapid and intense that it leaves me washed out, I am emotionally drained and that is when the paranoia creeps up and attacks my vulnerability. 

I will be honest it scary because it feels so real and I don’t have the confidence in myself to stand up to the intrusive thoughts. As the thoughts feel so real, that they cannot possibly be untrue.

I don’t really know the point of this post, I am going through this episode now and just feels therapeutic to get the words down. It gives me some sort of focus to write that it stops the repetitiveness and gives my mind a much-earned rest from the intense ideas that float about endlessly.

Cheers for reading X

51 Signs that you are british

Hey readers, 

Ever wondered what Britsh meant well here are top 51 signs that mean you're British, its law and I said so ;)

1. Queuing.

2. Accidentally dropping your biscuit into your cup of tea.

3. A cooked a roast dinner.

4. Saying sorry when it isn't your fault.

5. Having a stiff upper lip.

6. Having a dry sense of humour.

7. Eating a fry up for breakfast.

8. Having a beer at the airport even though it is before 8am when going on holiday abroad. 

9. Shouting "wahey' when someone accidentally drops or breaks something.

10. Eating cucumber sandwiches.

11. Moaning if it is too hot.

12. Moaning if it is too cold. 

13. Enjoy the sales when it is boxing day.

14. Having meals based on what day it is - like Fishy Friday.

15. Not correcting someone when they pronounce your name wrong.

16. Feeling appreciative that the person in front put the 'next customer' barrier on the conveyor belt.

17. Wearing summer clothes when you see the first sight of the sun. 

18. You go outside to take the sunshine in when there is a tiny bit of sunshine shining.

19. You can recognise the theme tune to Eastenders.

20. You fancy eating fish and chips on a cold evening.

21. If you leave the house and have to return because you have forgotten something if someone is in the home they say that was quick.

 22. Holding the door open for someone when they’re unnecessarily far away so they end up running for the door.

23. Finding the American forwardness way a bit too much. 

24. Being skilled at writing a letter of complaint. 

25. Having good manners.

26.Going to the pub. 

27. Moaning about the daily commute to work. 

28. Saying 'right' before you do something. 

29. Uttering ‘Aaaah’ after taking the first sip of a cold beer.

30. Family holidays always start at 5 am in the morning to miss traffic jams.

31. You know the best item for the beach is a bucket and spade.

32. You have a strong opinion on marmite.

33. Got sunburnt in spring.

34. Avoiding eye contact on the tube. 

35. Finding nothing better than a bacon sarnie. 

36. Had a cheeky Nandos.

37. You are polite to the people you hate and insult the people you like.

38. When someone asks how are things and you instantly reply with ok thanks when deep down you are dying inside.

39. When you go abroad and you complain that you can't get a decent cup of tea.

40. Sarcasm.

41. Making a cup of tea in response to a crisis. 

42. Insisting the person in front goes first through the door. 

43. Owning a picnic basket but only using it once a year. 

44. Doing anything possible for a light tan. 

45. Searching your pockets when asked for spare change.

 46. Grumbling throughout a meal, but not telling the staff so as not to cause a fuss.

47. Mistaking brightness for warmth.

48. Feeling extreme excitement over a Sunday roast dinner.

49. The ultimate crime has to be someone queue jumping. 

50. Apologising automatically. 

51. Giggling at innuendos.

Do you associate with any of these sighs? What is your view od being British? I love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below.

Cheers for reading X 

My Sunday photo 17/11/2019

7 ways to save on your energy bill this winter.

Hey readers,

Looking for easy ways to reduce your electric bill during this winter period then look no further as I have some top tips on how to do so!

1. Appliances

One of the most useful habits to get into is turning off standby applicants around the home when you are not using them. Ok, it does not save you loads but it can save you between £80 to £100 a year,  every little helps.

2. Temperature. 

In the UK two-thirds of the electricity used is on heating up our home from heating water to keeping our rooms warm. It is recommended to reduce room temperature by 1 degree and it is not a big difference. If you are feeling chilly but on a jumper or drink a hot drink to warm up. Also, another tip is to turn off the heating when you are sleeping as you don't need as you cosy under the quilt and are asleep so are you really going to notice the heating?

3. Light bulbs. 

Now to start with swapping traditional incandescent light bulbs can be pricy however in the long term it is an investment as you reduce your electricity bill. This is because the more modern light bulbs such as halogen incandescents, compact fluorescent lamps (CFLs), and light-emitting diodes (LEDs)  use less energy,  therefore worth paying for as you save money and the modern light bulbs last longer overall.

4.  Wrap up. 

This next tip is obvious but a lot of people walk around there home in a t-shirt and shorts in December and wonder why they are cold, they don't think about it and turn the heating on. However, you can easily warm yourself up to by adding additional layers and for example, soft fluffy bootie slippers are brilliant at keeping you warm. Finally, don't forget the hot water bottle to keep close by to feel all cosy without having turn the heating on you soon be warmed up lovely.

5. Washing. 

Washing your clothes at a lower temperature will save you some money when you turn your temperature to 30c as you are using less energy to do the washload. 

6. Leaks.

It is a good idea during the colder periods to check your windows and doors for leaks as this can cause your home to get colder and use more energy to hit up which will, in turn, will mean your energy bill will rise. 

Making sure that you put draught-proof tape around windowsills is a good idea along with using door draughts that you put at the bottom of the door to block heat.

7. Curtains.

During the darker evenings is a good idea to get in the habit of closing your curtains as this will help keep the warmth in the room and reduce the need for whacking the heat up. 

What ways help you reduce your energy bill during the winter period? I love to hear your thoughts in the comments section below. 

Cheers for reading X 

What's Up.

Don't come around here,

knocking on my door,

 like I'm the same person,

 I have no idea where I'm going.

Autism and personal space.

Hey readers, 

You have probably gathered from reading some of my posts on my blog that I am autistic. 

One of the major things, when I think about something that is important to me and on my autistic life is personal space. 

I put a huge emphasis on this because it has a big influence on my mindset and how I respond to day to day life. 

When I refer to space it could mean when people get to close to me which I am not a fan of espeically with people I do not know.

 I only have a few selective people that make me feel comfortable when they come into my space.

 I get very distressed for example when I accidentally touch a stranger on the bus, or someone who sits very close to me who I  do not know. 

It feels like my whole skin is crawling and my body tenses up. I am not a touchy-feely person.

 I don't trust and sometimes there are days when I limit physical contact as I may be feeling not well with my anxiety or I am over stimulated with everything that is currently happening to me in my environment.

I know there is more prominence to autistic individuals who are space invaders but some of us like me are people who are distant when it comes to getting close to people.

When I think MY space I think of one place in my home which belongs to me. I identify this place as safe and somewhere I go to when I am stressed having a meltdown or need a time out from the business of my environment. 

It is important to me because I rely on that safety feeling associated with my safe space and that calms me down when I am anxious. 

Not much of my home belongs purely to me naturally having children a lot of toys and stuff around. 

That is fine I accept that but if my small area gets obstructed or my husband makes a mess of the room this makes me stressed and very angry. 

I struggle to see beyond that moment so feel like the situation when my space gets messed up feels like it will be forever.

Of course, it is not and when I am calm I can think logically. However, when you are anxious and have to deal with change this is a struggle. Not to mention navigating to a new plan to help when you're already in an emotional state it is difficult to see any other solution then my whole world is falling apart.

 I guess this why people who have a lack of knowledge about autism will just see me as having a 'strope' or being a diva. 

It is isn't the materialistic space it is the knowledge that I have my safe space that I can rely on at times of distress that comfort me knowing that it is quiet and somewhere I can trust. 

Along with the physical space I have my sensory items that bring comfort to me such as a heated blanket and lying under a lot of weight to make me feel secure and safe. 

I also can use my noise canelling headphones and soft lighting all help calm me down when I am distressed or dealing with a meltdown or shutdown. 

All the little things add up and once they get taken down I feel broken because they are my  coping mechanisms. They're the things that help me deal with day to day life.

 Likewise, if I have the safety net of my safe place it can help me calm down. It provides a sense of control and reduces me having emotional outbursts because I know that I have a backup plan when things go wrong. It is the small things that make a huge difference. 

Cheers for reading X 

6 reasons to avoid Black Friday.

Hey readers,

Soon it will be Black Friday (29th November).

If you didn't know Black Friday is a tradition that started in America the day after Thanks Giving (which is the fourth Thursday in November).

On Black Friday stores offer high sales and open their stores early on the day. 

The popularity has reached the UK as well though even though we don't celebrate Thanks Giving. 

 I have an issue with black Friday and here are my reasons below. 

1. Rage. 

I can not stand the greed of some people where they go absolutely berserk in shopping rage in order to get a bloody TV or something similar and even more so when they get violent.

 It saddens me that something material makes people act so negative and nasty way. 

2. Overspending. 

The problem with Black Friday is that most people can often be found to be spontaneous and buy things maybe they don't need or overspend on a budget they don't have. 

The buzz is in the air whereas if you have a plan and work on your budget I think you get a better deal in the long run. 

 The black Friday idea is actually to lure the customer in to spend loads on impulse because the deals are short term, don't last long and make you feel that they are brilliant deals with all the promotion in the media. 

3. Crowded. 

Yuk, too many crowds of sweaty people in a state of urgency in a cramped space really is not my cup of tea! 

Why would you wait for hours to get a deal, the thought makes me feel depressed. Yes, it is lovely to get a deal but is it really worth it when it is just such a miserable experience, it just makes me associate the item with frustration and anger. 

4. Real deal?

Do you really get a good offer on Black Friday as it has been found that dynamic pricing happens? 

Dynamic pricing is when the prices rise during the early weeks of November then on the day are reduced to its original price so where is the saving? For example, the £50 bag you wanted was most likely to be £50 earlier this year. Therefore your not really saving at all because it is just tricks to lure you into the idea that you are getting a bargain when you are not. 

5. Hype.

Is Black Friday really good for people who are into saving or are we just believing the hype that we are getting good deals? 

Black Friday again feeds into this pretend idea of getting a bargain when really your most likely not!

The best thing to do is if you are frugal then to avoid shops on Black Friday, save your money and budget instead. This will save you a few quid when you're not going on an impulse splurge which can easily be done in the moment of mayhem. 

6. Thankful.

I know I am from the UK so don't celebrate Thanksgiving but I am questioning the idea of Black Friday being the day after Thanksgiving. 

This is because Thanksgiving is meant to be a time of being thankful for what you have and then the next day people go on a mad spree to get material objects. It is utter madness and does goes against the whole notion of Thanksgiving surely?!

What is your view on Black Friday? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below.

Cheers for reading X