Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts

Monday, 28 December 2020

Barbie is a k**b!

Hey readers,

I will be honest with you here I think Barbie is a k**b and she is not a very good role model for youngsters. I have stated my reasons below  
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Barbie is a k**b!

1. She is so vain, all she seems to care about is what she looks like. Given girls, this warped up the sense that to get anywhere in life in order to be popular you have to be pretty.

2. Barbie has unrealistic expectations around body image. She makes out that you can be or do anything you want as long as you are blonde, tall and skinny.  To me, this sends out a negative message and can cause anxiety. Let's not forget the dodgy ratio which us so ridiculous it is laughable.

3. She is so sexualised and it is about looking sexy with the short clothing, heals and tits out, come on let girls be girls, childhood is short-lived so let them just have fun and be innocent.

 4. Barbie does not look her age, she is 57 years old people and in real life properly would have some serious surgery to keep her youthful looks.

5. Her feet are not designed for heels 👠 which is a bit weird anyway. Let's face it flat shoes rule, fuck you beauty standards.

6. Barbie dolls make out they are thick and have little intelligence. Let's look at an example; Mattel brought out a book which features Barbie in it called I Can Be A Computer Engineer. Which portrayed Barbie as lacking the skills to know what the hell is happening and a need to constantly rely on male classmates for help.

7. She thinks she is perfect in everything but this bollocks as we all know that perfection is NEVER going to happen as it does not exist!

8. She is materialistic and all she cares about is buying clothes, cars and having a good time. Shouldn't we be teaching kids deeper stuff instead of money makes the world go round?

9. She has weird body ratios that are mind-boggling. Her neck is super long. Her legs are longer than her arms by 50% compared to normal average women only being 20%.  Her 16-inch waist would leave only room for the liver and a few inches of intestines. You get the idea of just a few examples I provided.

So yeah, Barbie sucks and OK dolls are for imaginary play so, therefore, some leeway. But there is a Barbie programme now sadly which I have sat through. 

All I get from this programme is how pretty I am and look at me. This clearer is being televised for young viewers to watch which as they are clearly venerable at that cage with getting sucked in the message of these stupid ideas. 

It can have psychological effects with anxiety and self-consciousness with who you. So, even though Barbie may come across as an innocent toy be very careful of the subtle messages she sends out.

What do you think about Barbie? Love to hear your thoughts in the comment section down below.

Cheers for reading X

Wednesday, 16 December 2020

Things you can get away with because it's Christmas.

Hey readers,

 Christmas is a funny old time of year, everything that is 'normal' suddenly goes out of the window.

Then it is replaced with temporary social rules that are seen as acceptable, whereas in any other situation that behaviour could be potentially frowned upon.

 Take alcoholic beverages for example, when it is Christmas you can get away with drinking any old time.

 It doesn't matter whether it is morning, midday or evening although, ideally people expect you to be sozzled by the time the Queen's speech is on.

Things you can get away with because it's Christmas.

Any other time you of thinking of drinking alcohol during the day you would be labelled an alcoholic.


What is it with chocolate at Christmas? You start Christmas day morning opening chocolate and then you just carry on nibbling away. This then results in your children bouncing off the walls with relatives telling you how to manage your children.

That leads me nicely on to the next point of the fact, Christmas is all about stuffing your face with calorific food.

It is alright at Christmas to have four meals with snacks in between. We are so overindulging in gluttony during this festive time that we forget about moderation and all the other 'messages' about eating healthy.

Christmas time is all about what you can eat like a pig because no one bats an eyelid and in fact, those people are more likely to buy you some more chocolate as a present because you can not get enough sugar.

Christmas is the time when the only numbers you have to worry about is when Eastenders is on. Forget about the calories during Christmas as it is a free calorie zone for the foreseeable few hours.

No guilt what so ever about the telly being on all day long blasting out, it's socially acceptable during the Christmas period to watch TV for 10 hours if you please.

How else are you going to get through the afternoon with granddad snoring in the chair and your children of their tits on sugar?

Who needs routine when you can do as you please on this special day. Forget all about the rules and let's add disruption to the order of the day.

Sit on your arse, watch TV, eat the mountain of chocolate with the drink in the hand at two in the afternoon and do SOD ALL. Why, because it's Christmas, you can be lazy and do nothing during the Christmas period.

The main goal is to relax and make the most of it without the guilt, because who needs guilt on Christmas.

You can wear pj's all day long if you desire without anyone passing judgement or calling you a chav/jobless scum of the earth. Because IT'S CHRISTMAS and the lazier you are better!

For parents, you may secretly help the child with finishing the chocolate after boxing day as they can't live off the mountain of chocolate given from the grandparents.

I suppose the best bet for a parent, like myself, is that I don't have to feel guilty about the indulgent food or the telly being on or even the fact I am looking at my phone too much.

It is that one day that the rules can be broken and anything goes. Mummy guilt can fuck off for one day in the year, result!

Cheers for reading X



Monday, 5 October 2020

50 Terribly British Quirks.

Hey readers,

Do you know that people who live outside the UK would look at some of the behaviour we do and think what the F? Where we would not bad an eyelid. So here are some fun things we do that are perfectly reasonable.

  1. Using the term poorly. 
  2. The weather is one of the main topics of conversation. 
  3. Saying sorry to something that has happened even though you haven't even done something wrong.
  4. Eating beans on toast.
  5. Shouting your welcome when someone doesn't thank you for something you have done for them.
  6. Finding a trolley in the supermarket you don't have to put a pound in.
  7. Rearranging cups with letters in the store to form a swear word such as twat.
  8. Complaining about how much Freddo chocolate costs.
  9. Fish and chips at the seaside.
  10. Dunking biscuits into your cup of tea.
  11. Eating after eights before eight.
  12. Exclaiming the idolism, "keep your hair on" with A strong accent.
  13. Crisp sandwiches.
  14. Clotted cream on a scone.
  15. Marmite.
  16. Biting the top of a walnut whip.
  17. Sitting upstairs at the front of a double-decker bus.
  18. Come dine with me on channel 4.
  19. Being annoyed at someone posh on The Antique Roadshow and finding out the item is worth thousands of pounds.
  20. Fish finger sandwiches.
  21. Arguing over the correct pronunciation of scone.
  22. A soggy bottom.
  23. Arguing over how tea should be done correctly.
  24. Grabbing a bargain.
  25. Chip butty.
  26. Overjoyed when the car park ticket machine is broke and the car park ticket is free.
  27. Warming your socks on the radiator before putting them on. 
  28. Listening to the weather forecast.
  29. Socks with sandals. 
  30. Queuing.
  31. Staying in your pyjamas all day.
  32. Stealing toiletries from the hotel you are staying at. 
  33. Having hot chocolate with all the extras.
  34. Sneaking your favourite chocolate bar out of the tin before anyone else does at Christmas.
  35. A 99 ice cream.
  36. Eating Nutella out of the jar. 
  37. Buying yourself flowers. 
  38. Weird celebrity crushes. 
  39. Doing multiple Buzzfeed quizzes.
  40. Eating the stash of sweets/chocolate that was Meant to be for the kids. 
  41. Drinking juice directly from the carton. 
  42. Watching Only Fools and Horses episode for the 1000th time. 
  43. Watching dog and cat videos on youtube.
  44. chips and gravy.
  45. Ordering takeaway because you can't be bothered to cook.
  46. Proving your partner wrong about something. 
  47. Eating cereal for dinner. 
  48. Listening to cheesy pop. 
  49. Watching day time tv when your ill such as This Morning, Bargain Hunt or Homes Under the Hammer. 
  50. Having breakfast in bed. 
Can you relate to any of these British quirks? Love to hear your thoughts in the comment section down below.

Cheers for reading X

Friday, 21 August 2020

Trends that should die now!

Hey readers,

There are so many trends that come and go. Some better than others and some that should just die out now. So, here are my top 5 trends that I think are awful that need to go ASAP.

Watch out girls then is a returning trend that is coming this summer - underbun! If you have not heard of an underbun it is basically where you have such short shorts that your bottom slips out.

Image result for underbun

 Now I don't care about flesh sharing but sometimes girls can show far too much for the eyes to see.

Nude leggings are just a no-no for me, sorry. They are not attractive and tell everyone the truth, no one wants to see them stretched over your backside unless your stick-thin it is revolting. 

They are also in a disgusting colour and they just not flattering at all, if you own a pair do us all a favour and bin them!

When will people learn of the dreaded nude leggings and how much it scares everyone

What is it with glitter in your roots, seriously it looks like someone has sneezed on your head or you have a really bad case of coloured dandruff. Whoever thought this was cool, it is not, so please just die off!

See the source image

A recent trend that is growing in popularity is fur slides. To me, they look like something that resembles a middle-class lady of leisure that struts about in her silk dressing gown. They just look cheap and tacky, seriously if Rihanna fell off the cliff would everyone else jump off too?! I am glad I am so old that I just don't care anymore (not that did when I was younger) to care about being hip and fashionable.

See the source image

Tracksuit bottoms with the word juicy plastered on the bottom just look awful. I thought they had there day but they seem to be reappearing in my local area, please just stop, I don't want to be forced to look at your bottom.

Image result for juicy tracksuit

Fake tan just looks horrific, streaky and unnatural. Why to do this, it is just not right, are they blind, do women not see this. Ok, some can get it right but a majority go overboard or can not blend it incorrectly causing it to have that lovely streaky marking. I have done it once myself, never again.

 I looked like the angry orange and wasted money when I could have just brought a bar of chocolate and have been happy as Larry.

See the source image

Are there trends that you wish to fizzle out promo? Love to hear your comments in the comment section down below.

Cheers for reading X

Wednesday, 12 August 2020

Observations of what happens in a heatwave 

Hey readers,

 Have you noticed that it is a tat on the hot side, yep, me too and I am terribly British in which I love a good moan about the weather. 

So let's look at my accurate portray of what it is like to experience going through a heatwave.

You know you are going through a heatwave when every sentence, every hour of the day is announcing to anyone who is listening, 'It's hot'.  Because no one obviously has noticed that big yellow ball in the sky.

You go bat shit crazy in the supermarket for multi-packs of ice lollies like your life depends on it.

You love your fan like a family member.

Never has a cold shower felt so good until your child decides to walk in on you and declare you have a hole.

You get beyond frustrated at stupid questions asked by children about who is the smelliest when really all that matters right now is trying to concentrate on cramming as may ice cubes as possible into your cup.

You worry your bladder may explode because you have drank your weight in cold drinks in just one day.

Your pillow has never felt so pumped then during this heatwave with constantly turning over the pillow at night.

You suddenly become a raging manic woman over the tiniest of things because you fuse has finally blown and throwing wet pants on mummy's head tips her right over that edge.

The dreaded bedtime you have to do. The ultimate question, should or should you not open the windows? Where the bedroom is like a fucking sauna and outside is just noise from people constantly revving and horn beeping timed just around the bedtime hour. 
Don't they know these people outside having fun at bedtime hour makes this mama very, very angry?

You pine for autumn so hard, please bring it back, because I don't know if I can cope with any more under boob sweat.

 Do you like the heatwave? Or like me too much sun makes me go a bit crazy? Love to hear your thoughts in the comments section down below.

Cheers for reading X
Musings Of A Tired Mummy

Monday, 10 August 2020

Gummy bear show, but why oh why?!

Hey readers,

if you have small children then you have been sure to be have had the privilege of having to hear the gummy bear song.

 If you haven't heard of it then I beg you do not Google it or else you will never erase that memory from your mind.

gummy bear

Well, my youngest absolutely loves the gummy bear song, it is dame awful. It involves the popular American sweet a gummy bear, bright green bear singing a dreadful song called I'm a gummy bear, yes I am a gummy bear.

Now if that is not bad enough, the producers go further and milk it for all its worth and have only gone and done a blinking show, called the Gummibar and friends. It is wrong and traumatic to have to sit and listen to it.

It is full of nasally singing, bright colours in the show and al the way through it is none stop singing. I need to wear glasses to watch it. 

The story is so silly and I quite like to punch the gummy bear in the face truth be told.
I just hate it, it is a crap storyline and clearly milking it for all it's worth.

 Ok, fair enough you have to earn the doh but you killing me slowly with getting my son hooked on it and that is all he ever wants to watch now. FML!

I just want to point out that Gummy bear really needs to invest in some bigger pants as every shot when he is wiggling his butt I see his crack, it is not attractive and he is constantly dancing or singing, which is so painful to my poor little ears and eyes.

One final thought, the song is attractive and a total earworm, whether I want it going round and round it appears I am these days permanently singing it.

Rant OVER!!!

Cheers for reading X

Thursday, 6 August 2020

Fat girl's problems in the heat

Hey readers,

Cor it's hot, isn't it! I am sweating all over with my fat. I don't know anyone else but I am a fat girl and hot weather is not cool with me.

Let me enlighten you in this post with all my problem problems with being fat in the heat.

1) Shopping.

Going around shopping in Primark in the ridiculously overheated building with people trying to grab a bargain and your crack is sweating, sad times 😂 😅

2) Wash.

  Every time I come home from going out in the sunshine I need a shower as I am drenched from head to toe in sweat, forget a cold drink I need the cool water drip all over my body.

3) Clothing.

 Because it is hot you don't wear a lot of clothes and you have to deal with the dilemma of being roasting with layers or haul saying F**k it and get your Wobbly arms out on full display.

4) Chub rub.

Every fat girl's nightmare that is chub rub. If you have never heard of this term it is basically where your thighs rub together due to sweating and cause a fiction which later turns into a burn, joy!

5) Staying indoors. 

Toying constantly with the idea of just being a vampire and stating hidden indoors with the blinds down all day long because going out in the boiling sunshine is a challenge in its self which makes you totally miserable. So, what is the point of being miserable and hot when you can stay at home and get through a ton of ice lollies in the shade?

6) Shower.

 Feeling you may as well live in the shower to cool down with the constant amount of sweating that I do during the summertime. 

Do you suffer in the heat? Love to hear your thoughts in the comment section down below. 

Cheers for reading X

Wednesday, 29 July 2020

Thoughts on In The Night Garden.

Hey readers,

When you’re a parent you will end up watching kid’s programmes. You also get to think probably a bit too much about the programme itself. I know I have when I have watched In the Night Garden for the umpteenth time. 

I find ITNG such an interesting show as there say many ‘interesting’ observations I have made that I need to share them with you. So, where better than on my blog.

Why is Iggle Piggle always desperate to get it off with Upsy Daisy, trying to get her to kiss her all the time? He seems to spend most of his time chasing Upsy Daisy and he has even been caught in her bed.

Upsy Daisy is a dick tease, with flashing her knickers to everyone, any chance she can get she will be there pulling on that string.

The Tombliboos are such flashers aren’t they with, always having their pants fallen down or they really need a belt because they appear to be so loose.

I swear The Tombliboos house is made of pretzels.

One thing I am defiantly sure about is The Tompliboos are from Liverpool, I mean come on who else where’s hair rollers when they are out and about all day long.

All the people who enter the Ninky Nonk they can be guaranteed to be getting pissed drinking cocktail fishbowls, no wonder they are falling all over the place.

The pontipines are TOTAL bitches, seriously all they ever do is gossip all day long when they are not trying to lose their children.

Have you noticed that the Wottingers have the same amount of children as pontipines? Is it strange or just a coincidence.

The social services definitely need to pop in and have a chat with the mum and dad Pontipines because they don’t care about the safety of their kids. I have witnessed some of the children outside on top of the Ninky Nonk.

 Whilst the other children inside the Ninky Nonk don’t bother with a seat belt. Clearly, the parents don’t give a rat’s arse about their safety.

The Pontipines parents are not very nice to their children, when they eat dinner they always eat dessert whilst their poor children eat gobbles, unfair much?! Also, the parents go home without their children, taking no responsibility for them at all.

Where the creators of INTG on drugs coming up with the idea of haahoos, they are so fucking scary. Super large, bright coloured inflatable, weird sounding and moving closer and closer to come and get you.

Macca Pacca clearly is suffering from OCD, not only is he cleaning all the time but he is obsessed with stones, stacking them and actually sleeping with one stone each night in his bed.

Macca Pacca looks lost and lonely wandering around ITNG, where are his parents? Is that why he is suffering from mental illness?

The most hilarious thing about ITNG is the perspective, for example, Macca Pacca is super small in the Ninky Nonk compared to Upsy Daisy. Then when Macca Pacca and Upsy Daisy are chatting outside in the greeny they are so much closer in height.

Why does that ball never stop bouncing, I mean come on.

SO, as you can see INTG has a lot of talking topics and make question what the fuck is going on.

What is your opinion of In The Night Garden? Love to hear your thoughts in the comment section down below. 

Cheers for reading X

Friday, 26 June 2020

My mummy pet hates

Hey readers,

 With parenthood, nothing runs smoothly and somethings can quite frankly get on your goat. Nothing is perfect in parenthood it comes with its challenges so here are most irritating pet hates that annoy the crap out of me.

1. Repetition of questions.

I know it is lovely when your little one speaks and has an inquisitive mind showing that your little darling is into things. 

But let's face it there is only so many times you can answer the same question again and again and again and again before you secretly fantasy about quietness just for time to think without being smothered with the demand for answers!

2. Hearing my own voice.

What can I say my children as soon as they learnt the skill of selective hearing they get smart and used it to their advantage.

 It is so dame annoying hearing your own voice and trying to stay calm. For example, getting your children to school and encouraging them to get dressed when they so can't be arsed so they chose to ignore you instead. 

Not to mention if you have more then one child and hearing you say time and time again play nicely, stop jumping on your brother, for God sake just share the plastic jelly baby pot.

It is a totally minded field for me to understand the social rules of parenting and what to say or how much to say to other parents. What to get your sons to friend from school etc. 

 My son has not even started school yet and then it will even more social rules to deal with.
When having a baby you were entitled to watch several hours of crap TV in peace with hot teas.

 Now moving forward to the child age you may as well kiss goodbye to watching anything of your own during the day. 

With our home now with two children and their noise and demands, you miss your programme anyway so you may as well just watch another God dame episode of Talking Tom.

Songs that get stuck in your head - from the telly whether that Mighty Mike or Fireman Sam theme tune you will be stuck with it going round in your head all day long and find yourself humming along.

3. Getting under your feet.

I love my kids but at times they can get so frustrating as they have this ability to get under your feet when trying to do something. 

Alternatively, my eldest loves to try and block you from entering a room just for laugh. It doesn't matter whether your rushing around cleaning the flat to make it look half decent for visits it is more fun to stop mummy, yeah right!

4. Lego pieces.

 Lego pieces get everywhere and kill when standing on them. They are so painful and so small that they really should come with insurance.

5. Throwing food. 

Why, why, why do children have to  throw food about everywhere in places that are imaginable and find months later vom!

6. Meltdowns.

 I find it stressful in public to deal with meltdowns. Yes, this is typical child behaviour but so hard to deal with especially when your child is tired. 

There is no rational stance with your child when they hit meltdown mode so it can be really stressful to try to get them to calm down and then you need to calm down, just a nightmare really.

With both my sons trying to get them to share the tablet, drink felt tips, stickers you name it I guarantee there will be a squabble between my boys.

 It is so bloody hard work at times to constantly break up the battles but luckily the good outweigh the bad or else I would be locked up in the psychiatric ward.

What is your mummy pet hates? Love to hear your thoughts in the comment section down below. 

Cheers for reading X 

Saturday, 6 June 2020

Little Miss Muffet (A Paraody).

Little Miss Muffet went off in a fuffet,

Swearing and huffing the day away,

Along came a numpty,

Who tried to woe her,

Only to get slapped away.