Wednesday, 20 November 2019

paranoia and autism

Hey readers, 

Paranoia it seems like a close friend all of these years lurking in the background of murky mind that comes out when I feel scared, threatened or vulnerable.

I suppose you could say it is partially due to past trauma from emotional abuse where I was told every day by the perpetrator that they are watching you and they know everything.

 It left me on tenterhooks, always worried whether I am doing the right thing. This was pretty hard to achieve when you have autism and screw up so often that I may as well give up achieving this the expectation of me when it is never going to be in reach.

This abuse happened a long time and it left a lasting effect on my self-esteem and the way I view people. 

I don’t trust maybe people. Again in my adulthood, I was let down by my best friend with untrue claims that nearly broke my family up. Sadly, her claims were flawed and with time I rebuild my family unit. However, it once again left me feeling vulnerable and a struggle to trust people.

I fear that I am often judged because of my autism, I don’t actually, tell most people about my autism, I still struggle with my disability even after all these years.

 I have been judged so much over my life that it is hard to be open plus I hate my autism, it stops me from being something that I will never achieve.

If you are wondering who knows about my autism well it is more the fact that my husband tells people. 

He thinks people should know but I don’t want people to know, I want to put my barrier up and put myself in a vulnerable situation. However, I know he is right but when I am feeling scared I want to hideaway.

My husband is what would call an advocate about being open and honest telling people about autism.

 He talks to other parents about it and it makes me unhappy, it makes me very paranoia that people are talking about me and it stems back to the original trauma. 

My mind can't deal with it as I am not in control and my thoughts go into overdrive. They are intrusive and when I am having a bad day I am so emotional by the end I don’t even know how I have made it that day. 

The thoughts are so rapid and intense that it leaves me washed out, I am emotionally drained and that is when the paranoia creeps up and attacks my vulnerability. 

I will be honest it scary because it feels so real and I don’t have the confidence in myself to stand up to the intrusive thoughts. As the thoughts feel so real, that they cannot possibly be untrue.

I don’t really know the point of this post, I am going through this episode now and just feels therapeutic to get the words down. It gives me some sort of focus to write that it stops the repetitiveness and gives my mind a much-earned rest from the intense ideas that float about endlessly.

Cheers for reading X


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