How to show respect to a person with autism.

Hey readers, 

Autism is a condition that impairs a person's capacity for interaction and communication. 

People with autism frequently experience prejudice from society. Given the societal conventions surrounding autism, it is pretty simple for non-autistic people to internalise ableism towards autistic persons.

 Fortunately, it is possible to overcome these prejudices and develop a tolerance for autistic people, which will be discussed in this post. 

1. Recognise any biases you have. 

Recognise any factors that may be influencing your prejudice against autistic persons.

 Is it a result of the environment you're in? Have you ever met someone who has autism? Unaware of it, many people internalise the information they are exposed to. 

You need to be aware of your bias, even if you don't mean any harm.
What comes to mind when you think about autistic people? Is it a result of generalisations you may have heard?

It's critical to determine whether you have internalised ableism because it frequently has roots in other prejudices.

2. Be respectful. 

Recognise that you might be acting in ways that an autistic person might find uncomfortable. Numerous autistic people experience sensory problems due to various sounds, sensations, tastes, or sights. 

Don't do something if someone in your life, whether autistic or not, informs you that it makes them uncomfortable, such as loud noises like chewing and slurping, which might exacerbate sensory problems.

 Don't take it personally if someone leaves the room or finds another solution, like putting on headphones if they've made it apparent that a sound is triggering their sensory issues.

Don't make things obvious. Many autistic individuals use repetitive habits as a calming technique. 

Don't make a big deal out of something an autistic person does that you find weird.

These mannerisms include things like humming, tapping their foot, and back-and-forth swaying.
Inform them formally if they are creating a commotion. 

Later, don't make a big deal out of it.

Pay attention to them. A special interest, sometimes known as a subject of particular enthusiasm, is something that many autistic individuals share.

 Do not minimise them for their hobbies if they choose to discuss them.
Don't be harsh about it if it isn't a good time to talk! You don't want to discredit somebody for having strong opinions.

3. Educate yourself. 

Find out more about autism. Due to its extreme complexity, autism is frequently referred to as a spectrum disorder.

 Understanding how people with autism experience it is essential because no two autistic persons are alike.

Take care when choosing your sources. Since there is a lot of misunderstanding about autism, it's crucial to use resources from nonprofits and organisations that concentrate primarily on autism.

 Don't go to Autism Speaks. Look for sources written by autistic people!
Speak to those who are autistic in your life. 

Inquire of anyone you know who has ASD about their experiences. It's a lot simpler to understand that persons with autism are much like everyone else when you can interact with one in person.

Consider how you can assist them more effectively! It's crucial to help them just like you would any of your friends, whether lending a sympathetic ear about issues related to their disease or simply treating them like any other person.

Don't just approach someone with autism and ask them about it. If you are close enough to someone to be able to ask about their experience with the disease, only do so.

Cheers for reading X

I like repetition!

Hey readers,

I like repetition (unless I'm in an ADHD one where I am being reckless), but I would say my kind is more autistic, or it is currently.

As we know, though, life is not linear, it is messy, and things change... Boo!!!

I was thinking in bed one night as I often do that; omg, soon my eldest, who is 11, will quickly hit puberty, and I will have to deal with changes in hormones etc. I'm scared because, once again, it is not under my control. 

It is something that I will have to wait until the time comes. I can somewhat prepare, but no need for definite because I won't know how my son will react to puberty plus, add to the mix, he has autism, so this shall be fun (I jest).

I have lost my train of thought and don't know what I am getting at. I want to write about repetition and being autistic. 

I like repetition most of the time unless I get hit with boredom due to god dame adhd.

Repetition, to me, is comfort. I know what to expect from the situation as I have gone through it over and over again. 

It is not new that we have to guess how to behave. Repetition comes with less anxiety as I know how to respond and what to get compared to the latter, which filled me with dread. 

I will admit I am a control freak, and I am on edge when not knowing what is to come because I have to guess or do something wrong. 

I also like to get it right, and if I don't, I torture myself with hatred because, once again, I have failed.

Failure is my old friend, and I experience it often, being autistic and getting the cues or not saying the right thing or not saying anything at all.

I like repetition because I know I have done it before and know what to expect.

It is emotionally draining when you constantly fail, time and time again. 

You lie awake in bed and dread getting up the following day, not knowing what to do or what is happening.

Repetition is comforting because, though at times tedious, you know what to expect and are less likely to fail because you're more prone to practice masking how to perform.

The problem with being an autistic parent has to deal with new situations and developments. 

Luckily, I have my husband, who is good with the social side, as I am terrible. I dread thinking of the next instalment thinking. 

Yes, I got through one stage of development, which is a good thing, and then the fest comes as it is all new, and I wonder once again how the hell you will get through it...

Cheers for reading X 

Autism and Christmas

Hey readers,

In this post I want to talk about how Christmas affects me in relation to my autism.

 I am not very good with changes and I always see Christmas as a massive change. It doesent matter whehter it is  good or bad it is still change and something that I have to deal with every year, well until I am dead of course.

Now don’t get me wrong some elements of Christmas I enjoy such as seeing how special Christmas is for chrildren.

 I do love seeing how my children are happy although my eldest as he is getting older and has autism is starting to struggles as well more and more. 

I like Christmas day when going for a walk when it is eerie dead I enjoy; it seems not real as where I live am a city. 

Living in a city means it is always busy but on Christmas day it is silent or very, very, very quiet. which I am not going to moan because I actually enjoy it.

One area of Christmas I struggle with is gift opening as I get sensory overload, after presents are handed out I feel sick because it is something that I am not used to. As it is new I have to look at things in great detail and that is mentally exhausting for me.

One thing that is difficult is change to my routine because everything seems unusual during the festive period. 

However, to help deal with sticking to some routine and change I use a diary to write down what is happening.  I also do a relaxed schedule on Christmas day just to help me keep calm. 

I struggle with having nothing happening so I make sure I schedule stuff in such as giving my boys a bath or going to the park/walk. The last one helps me because I get fresh air and clears my head of so much disruption with toys etc. everywhere.

Another thing I am not very good at is people coming round unannounced. As my husband just casual about these kind of things and says to people he knows just pop round. 

I don’t want to be a pain and appreciate he has social needs just as much as my own needs. So, he can have social gatherings, I do stay for a period but sometimes I need some time alone because it gets chaotic. 

This also helps my autistic son; he normally comes with me for some time out on the bed in the dark, which for me with fewer stimuli around gives my brain a break.

Over the years when it comes to Christmas decorations me and my husband has come to an agreement where my bedroom has no ceiling decorations.

 I don’t like ceiling decorations they make me feel  claustrophobic so as long as I have a safe space which is my bedroom where I go when I need a break that is what works for us in my home. 

My autistic son loves the ceiling decorations so just shows you that autism affects people in different ways. 

I always have vivid memories of being a child and hating those ceiling decorations and now it makes total sense for how I felt which at the time when I didn’t know about autism it was difficult to get my head around.

Cheers for reading X

How to calm an autistic person down when they are anxious.

 Hey readers

With autism comes a lot of sensory information whether that be good or bad but sometimes it can be the latter. It can be too much and we autistic people need help because we can get so overwhelmed that it can consume us that we forget the steps to get back to a normal level of calmness within our mind. 

That is why it is good if we have some supportive people in our lives that can understand some techniques and that is why I have thought of five things that for as well being autistic has benefited me and think that may help other fellow autistic people out there.

1. The shame of a meltdown. 

The shame that follows a meltdown can be devastating. At times I think that getting over the meltdown is worse than actually having it. I feel so ashamed that I’ve ended up crying or yelling in public. I hate that I’m this way.

Having meltdowns is, for many, part of having autism. Although someone can make an effort to avoid triggers and manage emotional regulation, they should also recognize that it’s not their fault that a relatively slight upset, or simply being in a place where their senses are overloaded, can lead to a meltdown.

2. Words. 

Use few words because too much information can be unbearable as the autistic person has enough to deal with and process. Adding more information into the process can be another trigger and at times can make the situation worse. Sometimes just staying calm can be enough help for an autistic individual. 

3. A plan. 

A plan is always beneficial especially if the autistic person is going to someone new before. Just knowing that they can escape a situation at any time can help calm their anxiety down. Also, knowing what to expect and having a routine doesn't have to be strict but some sort of outline can be of benefit and can reduce the anxiety of the individual. 

4. Comforts. 

Of course like anyone autistic people are different so find what comforts them whether it be a good book they enjoy, a game, or an evening hiding in a dark place with their headphones on to help calm them down. Maybe fidget toys help them when they are anxious or having a meltdown, little comforts go a long way for someone with autism. 

5. Stimming. 

Let autistic people stim safely as much as they need to. Stimming is a series of repetitive movements that are calming mechanisms for autistic people. Examples of stimming include hand flapping, finger flicking, and rocking. Stimming is a crucial self-calming mechanism during emotional distress. 

Cheers for reading X 

Autism and things I cannot live without.

Hey readers,

This post is all about the things that help a little to make my life a bit more manageable with dealing with being autistic in a neurotypical world. Some of the things have helped calm me down when I am emotional trauma, changed or uncertain.

 It doesn't have to be big or fancy but it is enough to have an impact on my mood and calm me down when I most need it.

6 things that help make my autistic life more manageable.

1. Noise-cancelling headphones.

I am not talking about the headphones kids wear (though they are good) I wear the ones that drown out all the noise and I can also listen to music or podcasts. 

This has helped me when I am out and about in supermarkets or need to get somewhere on public transport. I can switch off into my little universe when I get overstimulated with the noise, business and lights.

 I can zone out and gives me a pause to just chill and rebalance my senses again as it were. Having this opportunity to take time out from the outside world by putting headphones on means can help reduce the risk of having a meltdown as I don’t like them, especially in public places as I hate attention on myself and very private person when it comes to emotional stuff so much prefer to scream some quiet away from everyone.

2. Google Maps.

Google maps for me are a godsend before this was available on phones I used to hate going anywhere new or didn’t know that was familiar to me as I would get lost and get very anxious. 

Having Google maps give me the security blanket of knowing where to go, and what buses to catch and not worrying if I do get lost. It means I can explore more like taking my kids to a new park without fear as much, I still get anxious, but I can analyse where we are and work out where to go on the map. 

Although when I do get too anxious I still can't manage to read the instructions but have learnt to take myself away from the noisy environment to allow myself time to calm down to work it out or if ever a situation got too much for me to handle I do have my husband who has a car or there is an uber, so I always have a plan b which again gives that security so feel less anxious because whatever happens it can be resolved one way or another.

3. My bed.

It is my safe space for when I am feeling scared or want to shut down I like to escape there and hide in the corner away from it all. It is where I go to relax and wind down, I want to put my headphones on and listen to music or read a book. I like it when I have my window open and the breeze flows around me. 

4. Lava lamp/fairy lights. 

I love low lighting and moving lights, it calms me down and hence why I have included my lava lamp and fairy lights. They just bring a relaxing ambience to my room and help calm me down and help especially when I am having a meltdown. 

5. YouTube visual aid. 

I love visual aids from moving colours to train journeys anything that calms me down and relaxes me. I find YouTube videos great for resources which are free to use. 

6. My Husband.

My husband is a massive help in a lot of ways and makes it much easier for everyday situations to fill in complex forms and meetings. 

Cheers for reading X 

Things I would like to change.

Hey readers,

I love my blog as it is a place where I can track my thoughts and a way to express any worries I may have. So as this is the case I am going to share some of the things I want to change to help make my life a little easier.

Recently I have been struggling with tiredness. It normally occurs around the end of the week and thinks that it is just because is a knock-effect of all the week has on me. I get tired anyway because of how much energy it takes to deal with my autism difficulties.

I think just being kind of and not so demanding on myself. Taking it slower is better for me and my health and that is what I want to achieve. I am a firm believer in taking small steps or else it can be risky to lose motivation if I push myself too hard.

I also want to try to be more experimental in the kitchen and try new recipes to help with getting more confident or at least give my husband a break from the wonderful cooking he does. However, I do love trying new recipes, even if it is just once a week, it does help with my confidence and esteem when I achieve good results.

Because of my tiredness and anxiety, I dip in motivation to go out and about. I am hoping to get out more now that children are back at school I aim to get in 10,000 steps at least five days out of the seven. 

I know I can achieve this when I am out I feel good but my downfall is getting past the first walk step.

I know so cliché but for someone with an anxiety condition, it has to be to try not to worry so much. I panic about my parenting and how good I am. Sometimes, just accepting a situation can reduce that great big weight on my shoulders.

Cheers for reading X

What does an autistic shutdown feel like?

 Hey readers, 

As I am getting older I have noticed that the way I manage to respond emotionally has changed somewhat. I have reduced the number of times I have a meltdown and I am more likely to respond to a situation by going into a shutdown mode. 

 I don't know whether this is a direct response to getting older or having more experience of life. It could simply be down to the fact that a shutdown is the better response for me as it is less emotionally draining and easier to hander after the event as well.

 You have to realise that meltdowns not only are emotionally charged during that the moment of the event but also there needs to be a time to recover after the situation.  Compared to a shutdown you use less emotional resources which results in an quicker time to recover emotionally. 

Although one does wonder does a shutdown in the long term causes harm if you are suppressing emotions however that is something I probably will blog about at a later date.

Meltdown. 

You may be wondering what I mean by the terms of a meltdown. 

A meltdown in regards to a autistic one, as opposed to a toddler one, is a response to the mind or body when it is feeling overwhelmed. It may at times appear to happen without warning.

 

By rights, anyone can have a meltdown an autistic meltdown is stronger and more frequent. I tend to find I need time after my meltdown to recover and deal with processing the situation.

 With my meltdowns I tend to shout because I am angry and lose control because mainly as a result of the change, I am flapping and pacing, I sometimes self-harm, hyperventilate and struggle to put my thoughts into words and express myself clearly. I am also very anxious and can have panic attacks again linked to control and not knowing what is happening or being in control of a situation. 

Shutdown. 

So on the other side, we have a thing called a shutdown and you probably can work out from the name what the behaviour will be towards this term. 

Due to the overwhelmingness of the situation and the inability to know how to deal with the situation an autistic person will sometimes literal shut down like a computer. 

The characteristics of a shutdown tend to be for me is when I go mute, I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to hide away in a corner away from anyone or any stimulation time. 

 I like to hide in the darkness as this tends to help calm me down. As before shutdown mode, I do often get sensory overload when too many different sensory things all occur at once whether that be the level of noise in the background, the lights, business etc. 

 So I seek out a quiet, dark and calm environment where I can just be still and don't have to think. Going into shutdown mode for me is a safe place where I can regain regularity within my body and mind. It is the time when I can stop thinking the most and not have to collect so many messages to my brain, it is a break to breathe and just be. 

One of the reasons I prefer shutdown to a meltdown is that they take up less emotional guilt which I feel after a meltdown I will be honest I am aggressive and get very frustrated. 

Autism affects me with change and not knowing what is happening strongly and I would call myself a control freak and hate not knowing what is happening. 

If people are late it sends my anxiety high and then waiting for a response pushes me right over the edge. So you can see I like to know what is happening, I am not a placid easy come, easy-go type person. I hate uncertainty which causes me great anxiety hence it displays itself in anger. 

So shutdowns I prefer are less emotional and time-consuming before and after a meltdown, but they come with a cost not only do you feel shit for a long time. 

Meltdowns chip away at your confidence as a person especially if you're having them frequently and as an adult, I think as a child you are more socially acceptable to have a meltdown but people judge you. 

Over time, this really affects your mental health, so you can see the correlation of why so many autistic people have mental health conditions as well to deal with.   

Shutdowns are easy to manage they take less time because they are slower you are calmer in a sense so that helps although over the long term could fuel depression which has happened to me in the past so be mindful of that. 

So you can see why shutdowns are more attractive if you had to choose between two as a way of dealing with the neurological and emotional factors of autism issues that occur frequently throughout most autistic persons' lives. 

Cheers for reading X 

Autism and change.

Hey readers, 

Today I am going to talk about change in autism as I am autistic and it is one of the big things that pisses me off! I may be an adult, I may have had years living with my diagnosis of autism but still, I struggle with change, more so when it is out of the blue and I am not prepared.

Just for the record..... I HATE CHANGE! I know change happens all the time and it is something that from time to time we all have to deal with, but still sucks nonetheless!

Why do I hate to change so much you ask?

Well, one reason is the unpredictability of it... the not knowing it is happening and when it does it is scary for me. I just freeze and lose myself, I don't know to respond and depending on the situation either totally shut down  - where I go within myself and don't talk to anyone and hide away. Or I meltdown and scream and shout and boy can I do that like a badass!

 I like to be in control, I like to know what is happening and I like to plan things, I am a control freak and when I am met with change from the unknown totally throws me. I am confused and lost and I just go blank, I don't know what to do, looking back when I talk to my husband I can see I could do this or that but when I am an emotional wreck I lose or sense of logic. My thoughts just crumble and I don't know what to do. The range of anger fuels my veins and takes over so I don't think straight or I see the change and just total fear about what is happening.

 It doesn't matter how many times change has happened over the years when I am unaware and not in control. Or when someone says they are meant to come at a certain and they are late over two for example recently and don't tell me what is going on then I literally lose my shit.

 I can't concentrate on anything I am shaking, my anxiety is getting bigger and bigger as time goes by, and I am not in control so don't know what is happening.

 I am left to wait so don't know how to plan. I am better when I am aware of situations occurring and when I take time to adapt and process what is happening. I can take the time to talk to someone, I can research, I can plan.

 In contrast, stations that happen immediately with no notification through, out of such and again it goes back t some not being controlled and having no routine. I am also a rigid thinker so when I focus on one thing such as a change I can't think of anything that is happening because it just takes over my brain. It is exhausting along with the meltdown I am wiped out the next day. 

That is why communication is important for an autistic person to know exactly what is happening...if you let them know if something changing then tell them beforehand for example. 

What makes me happy is routine and knowing what to expect because I am in control as I know what to expect and don't have to use all my energy trying to think outside the box.

Cheers for reading X

autism and waiting

Hey readers,

I am already anxiously waiting but I am ok with it because it is arranged and in my mind, I have that set goal as it were but as soon as that changes I start to get really anxious. 

the more I don't know what is happening because people lack the ability to communicate or have this theory to see what happens which in this innocence I fucking hate. Because I already had a plan, I wanted to follow it through, I was anxious, it hasn't happened. It has changed now all my little markers of what is going to happen throughout the day are changed this has thrown me out of synch. 

It is so stressful as a parent with autism myself I have this extra guilt that I meant to be on top of it, ok it is fabricated from my own mind but some of it I get the scenes from some people who assume I am a little spoiled bitch. Yeah sometimes I am a twat but during times I can assure you I am not, these times when I am waiting are the hardest things I have to deal with as an autistic person. No matter how long I have been on this earth, it doesn't get any better. I get still frustrated, I still have meltdowns, I still lose my shit and reach breaking point because I just simply can't cope it, my mind can't cope with it. It is like a volcano watching it starts erupting when the change happens I cant calm it down especially when no one tells me what the hell is happening or gives me black and white answers. 

I think I am just livid at times because I am realling on other people which I hate. I hate it, I do. I am a control freak in that sense, I just don't like that control and I am not got that power the time it makes me so livid especially when some people can actually do something to help the situation and sit back and do sweet FA.

There is the element of the unknown, I don't like the unknown it's grey and it has answers... all the things I hate. I like exact, black and white, something that is definite. I am just rigid and flexible and that is my downfall, it is always been my struggle and it is where I hate waiting. People can't give me answers if things run late, where are they? How long are they going to be? I just get more and more anxious. As you keep reading you can feel the anxiety build-up and there is only so much someone with autism can manage because there is a lot of emotion to deal with and someone with autism is not good at managing emotions. The messy and hard, grey and unpredictable.  

Before you know it I am screaming because my body is too aroused with adrenal and anxiety, I want to run away but also want to scream fucking head off. Because quite frankly I am angry, I don't have the communication skills at this point just pure range. 

This now will mess up my day; the next day I will cripple with guilt and sadness. I will hate myself and everything that is autism. This is why I hate waiting and why it is such to wait as an autistic person because it is an emotional rollercoaster. 

Cheers for reading X 

Autistic Parenting.

Hey readers,

Since my son goes to school and one of the problems I struggle with being an autistic mum is socialising with other parents.

The dreaded waiting at the school gates with the deafening noise makes my head spin. I physically shake and want to stim so badly that I need to control myself in order to mask these problems I deal with.

I know you ask why, why don't I just be me. But it is not just me, it is my son as well. I am part of him and what I do influences him. Maybe not obviously but in the subtle ways with speaking to parents and getting that invite to a friend's birthday. People judge sadly and what I do can include or isolate him, as sad as society is.

The hard thing for me as a parent is to appear shy/enigma in order to not let people see the real me as I am hyperactive/spontaneous, and might not say the right thing. Laugh and be childish and not click with others.

No one ever prepares you for this and how it will influence your son's confidence. Will, I further fuck him up if I am me, should I hide away in order to make my son blend in better. Or should I be authentic as it provides my son with an understanding of disability and difference-making him more accepting of others that are different (not necessarily autistic)? Just one mould fit it appears in this modern culture I feel and that all problems should be hideaway as it still a taboo, to be honest with children without some professional having a fit and pretending that everything is fluffy and cosy in life.

These are the kind of decisions I have to make. I am currently taking a step back from school duties as the anxiety is so high and paranoia is kicking in.

They say life is too short and you should just do what the fear wants you not to do. But to what extent is this not a good idea anymore.

Baby steps are hard for me as it is grey, I am all or nothing and I find it hard once I have an idea in my head to stop myself from committing to it fully. Alternatively, I just shut down and have no interest in participating in the demotivated situation I have to face. All I want to close off, cry my eyes out, and feel is the point in doing it all. Should I have been a parent? do I have that right? and similar thoughts take over my thinking.

Nothing is ever clear, no right or wrong answers which for my autistic brain feels overwhelmed and can trigger a meltdown in order to try and regulate how I feel.

Autism is selfish or is it people don't see I am trying to work my ass off that little bit more as every day is a struggle and I have to make decisions fast.

it is frustrating when people think oh she doesn't look autistic she can walk down the road or she can communicate. When really most of it is planned, scheduled, and played out like a script. Most of the time I am blagging it with the information I hold from past experiences/observing or reading how others deal with this as a parent.

Don't judge me when you see me, I am scared because I don't know what I am doing.

I am not good with emotions, they are messy and I don't do messy.

I like order and structure, I like steps that have a sequence. When it is spontaneous and in no order I am scared and my anxiety reaches new heights.

SO this is what I am currently trying to work my way through and yeah I can do a course and have some rules. But then things change, situation/environmental/age, etc influence the shit I have to deal with. As we all know change is the enemy of an autistic person.

It is all very well having short stints of parenting courses to guild you but for an autistic person we need continuous support and sadly it is always because of the funds and people like to group everything in one category.

I always find it ironic that autistic people like logical order but that disability is so grey and complex it is unreal.

That is it that is one of the many battles I undergo as an autistic parent and we haven't even reached pubescent years.....oh what joy!

Cheers for reading X

Supermarkets and autism.

Hey readers,
 
When going to the supermarket I can only handle short periods of time being in the store due to getting sensory overload.

I am autistic and normal things like shopping overwhelm me for a number of reasons.
 
There was a time as an autistic adult when I would shop at 6-7am in the morning because I just couldn't handle it. 

 Often when my husband takes me to the supermarket can be busy and it can get overwhelming trying to navigate around people.
 
Obviously now I am married with kids and things are different for me.
 
However, that doesn't stop it from still being a struggle.
 
Over the years I have had professional help to help me get a bit better at the whole process of shopping.
 
At one point I never used to touch the shopkeeper's hands when exchanging money and simply place it on the counter.  Apparently, this is not the thing so I had to learn that you meant to place money into the assistant's hands. 

I have been able to do that, I still hate touching people I don't know but it is something I can do. Of course with modern technology you can use contactless however going to the corner shop is different.

 Plus I am not paying extra for the privilege of using my money card. I've learned to talk myself into placing money into my hands and focus on detail in the shop so I am not getting too anxious.
 
That is one difficulty I have had but still struggle with, it never probably will get easier but I can manage it.
 
Now my husband likes me to accompany him going to the supermarket. Of course, I do it because I want him to feel needed. I worry I get selfish and at times I have been. So this is a gesture to show I care that being said it is really difficult for me too.
 
I think because we go down each aisle and the more time I spend in the shop I get overloaded because I need to look at the detail of stuff regardless of whether I am buying it or not.
 
The noise of the shop is hard, especially near the buzzing of the refrigerators. Or when the fire alarm is set off as a part of the store testing out the fire alarm. Then there are the random loud announcements on the speakers that can be triggering because they are loud and stop your brain from thinking sending it into a panic.
 
Then there is me not very good at forwarding planning with moving about. At times I respond the way I should such as waiting for a person to come through in the isle and I go through. 

This tends to happen near the end as I am exhausted and just don't have the mental capacity to think about how to act. Bear in mind when I am being outside a lot of my behaviour is not natural, it is learned from experience and what has told me over the years on how to act.
 
My husband also likes to go out to a big store which I struggle with. The size of the store and high ceilings with lots of noise can trigger me.
 
I really hate touching people I don't know and accidentally touching people if they brush past me ups my anxiety.
 
I think another part of my problem with shopping with others is the fact o am not in control. When I shop alone I have a list and just go on, get what I need and get out. My husband likes to look around and just feels endless. 

We spend well over an hour in the store and the content concentration of trying to remember to do all the things correctly takes a lot of brainpower.
 
I am exhausted at the end. Sometimes I have a break as I just need quiet time o go to the toilet, close my ears, and just breathe. I feel really dizzy and disorientated by the end. Get home and I just need time to myself to rebalance my head and bring it back down to a calm.
 
Cheers for reading X
 

Autistic adulting sucks!

Hey readers,

I hate people, seriously all they ever seem to do is fake it. Why can't people be honest and just tell the truth because you think it hurts people's feelings. But here is the thing I already know so don't pussy around the subject.

It sucks being autistic, the constant rejection of people, pretending to be nice when really they don't give two monkeys.

I am sick of it and sick of this world that I live in. It doesn't help I am stuck in places where people don't really know where to put me. Let's face facts first impressions count and no one likes the awkwardness of autistic people, it is much easier to just deny us the opportunity. 

Even though we autistic people would so bloody hard, more so than the average person because we have to-it's a fight to fit in when your just totally failing on the outside. I feel lost and I don't belong, this place feels lonely. Sometimes, I just can't face it anymore but once again you have to find the strength to get back up again even though you are plummeting into a dark, dark place.

It sucks to have to undergo interviews when clearly they are not autistic friendly and again I feel like my needs are met.  Don't you understand we autistic people can't cope with question after question without getting burnt out, not to mention the social interaction, it takes all our resources to get through it to then be told that actually, we are not looking for people at the moment? 

Why put me through this hell, what you really mean is you are not a suitable candidate, just be honest, at least I know where I stand. Right now I feel insulted and taken for a full. It took all my energy to get out of my comfort zone and I am devastated. It really does suck because of the effort I put into these things but never get the opportunities, I don't know why I bother.

Even as an adult I am always dealt with the hand of rejection and you know what people it sucks, big time for us autistic people to be treated like this. I am just thankful for my blog as it is an outlet when other times I can not muster the words to anyone about the pain I am battling every day. Rant over!

Cheers for reading x

On the side

Hey readers,

When I was a child I learned the art of a thing called masking, aka faking it and what this means is that I learned the behaviour of others. The problem being is that if something changes that I can mess up badly because I can't be flexible with my thinking.

 That is one of the characteristics of autism is we manage change to some degree but we only see it in a structured way that is black or white (through past learned experiences or what we have read up on the problem where we fail is that if something slightly different happens in the format then we screw up basically. It can lead to getting things wrong, saying something wrong, coming across as rude, not coping, having meltdowns or shutdowns, etc. 

I think it's really hard being an autistic girl growing up because there is so much more pressure to be sociable than a boy. When I was growing up I felt that boys got away with not getting noticed therefore resulting in having less social pressure. 

I used to absolutely hate being a girl because of this reason and I thought boys had it a lot easier or more relaxed attitude with regard to social and communication which suited me perfectly.

Now that I'm an adult I find it a bit easier because I have more experience and knowledge but I still frequently mess up. If I am feeling anxious or if there is too much going on in my head can't seem to focus on the rules.

 There are times when stressful factors cause me more brainpower than normal and it is like I regress in my behaviour. That is why it's so hard to measure autism, as it is not something that you can say x y and z it's constantly shifting depending on the environment and mindset of that individual.

Since being a parent I have learned that there are so many other social rules involved when bringing up a child.

I first it was lovely when my children were newborns as there is less pressure on me to be sociable but since my children are at school I have noticed that there's a hell of a lot more interaction going on.

Me being an autistic parent does affect my self-esteem. A lot of the time I feel inadequate,  especially as my husband is very good at communicating and engaging with others. It leaves me feeling really angry and frustrated. I know comparing is the worst thing to do but it coincides with me learning about other people.

I think one of the hardest and most upsetting things is when people don't see you as an individual but as some sort of invalid because you're autistic. They don't look past the label or they do but then they just talk down to you in a condescending way. The thing is I am aware of exactly what is happening, I just don't have the skills to communicate and express myself as clearly as other people do.

It has really made me feel quite low at times because I feel like I can't give my child everything that a typical parent has to offer. I suppose that is why I enjoy the school holidays more because I don't have to worry about social things. 

The only downside is that when I return I have to deal with the social side of education and whatnot. I feel rubbish and I have felt very very low causing me to struggle to get up in the mornings. 

I have also learned to avoid situations and tend to get my husband to do the tasks because it's too upsetting at times to have to face discrimination against me. I think that's one of the saddest things about being an autistic parent is the fact that you deal with a lot of rejection or misunderstanding. I like my voice isn't heard and again that familiar outcast feeling appears.

Cheers for reading X