autism and waiting

Hey readers,

I am already anxiously waiting but I am ok with it because it is arranged and in my mind, I have that set goal as it were but as soon as that changes I start to get really anxious. 

the more I don't know what is happening because people lack the ability to communicate or have this theory to see what happens which in this innocence I fucking hate. Because I already had a plan, I wanted to follow it through, I was anxious, it hasn't happened. It has changed now all my little markers of what is going to happen throughout the day are changed this has thrown me out of synch. 

It is so stressful as a parent with autism myself I have this extra guilt that I meant to be on top of it, ok it is fabricated from my own mind but some of it I get the scenes from some people who assume I am a little spoiled bitch. Yeah sometimes I am a twat but during times I can assure you I am not, these times when I am waiting are the hardest things I have to deal with as an autistic person. No matter how long I have been on this earth, it doesn't get any better. I get still frustrated, I still have meltdowns, I still lose my shit and reach breaking point because I just simply can't cope it, my mind can't cope with it. It is like a volcano watching it starts erupting when the change happens I cant calm it down especially when no one tells me what the hell is happening or gives me black and white answers. 

I think I am just livid at times because I am realling on other people which I hate. I hate it, I do. I am a control freak in that sense, I just don't like that control and I am not got that power the time it makes me so livid especially when some people can actually do something to help the situation and sit back and do sweet FA.

There is the element of the unknown, I don't like the unknown it's grey and it has answers... all the things I hate. I like exact, black and white, something that is definite. I am just rigid and flexible and that is my downfall, it is always been my struggle and it is where I hate waiting. People can't give me answers if things run late, where are they? How long are they going to be? I just get more and more anxious. As you keep reading you can feel the anxiety build-up and there is only so much someone with autism can manage because there is a lot of emotion to deal with and someone with autism is not good at managing emotions. The messy and hard, grey and unpredictable.  

Before you know it I am screaming because my body is too aroused with adrenal and anxiety, I want to run away but also want to scream fucking head off. Because quite frankly I am angry, I don't have the communication skills at this point just pure range. 

This now will mess up my day; the next day I will cripple with guilt and sadness. I will hate myself and everything that is autism. This is why I hate waiting and why it is such to wait as an autistic person because it is an emotional rollercoaster. 

Cheers for reading X