Abortion and me

Hey readers,

 I'm lucky. I live in England and have the right to have an abortion if I want to. Many years ago before having children there was this one time when I chose to have an abortion. I was with my husband at the time, we weren’t married then but I was in my first year at university, dealing with crippling depression and had already attempted suicide. 

Then during the summer term, I was constantly sick and didn’t feel right, my period was late so did want most women would do in their 20s took a pregnancy test...it came back positive at that point I absolutely shit myself.

 I was terrified, I really didn’t think about children at this point and when I did I knew it was not the right time. It was just not right for me, I knew I was not mentally capable of looking after a child.

I did talk to my husband (boyfriend at the time) and we talked for a long time and he agree with me. He was a saint and supported me right through. We booked an appointment with BPAS and they did a scan and then talked me through the process. They then booked me in about a week later to go to the clinic to get an abortion.

It was a clinic not in the city I lived so had to travel to another city to get to the clinic. It was all very professional and didn’t feel judged by the staff. It was done within the afternoon, it felt odd after because literally, all the pregnancy symptoms cleared within the hours of that day – such as tiredness and sickness.

Although at the clinic I was not alone there were many other women like myself going for abortion and also I like to add that a lot travelled from Northern Ireland as it is illegal to have an abortion – so that just goes to show the lengths women will go to have a safe abortion.

One of the saddest parts for me of that day is when leaving the clinic there were prolifers protesting and calling us women all sorts of nasty names such as murders and that shit cuts deep.

Emotional though it took time to register the whole situation it felt a bit like limbo until it dawned on me that it did happen and then it hit me hard. I felt bad, it didn’t help that people that I thought I could trust that I told turned on me and called me a murder, a bad person...you know all the shitty comments people call you. It hurts because they know before the ordeal you went through and used that to get to you and they know it will.

Years later when I got pregnant again and went to the regular first scan I go to for 12 weeks to check everything I had a miscarriage. Because it was my first and no one really talks about miscarriage and I have crippling anxiety I had really intrusive thoughts like it is my thought it happened and it is a result of me having an abortion because I am a murderer.

Reflecting back I know this is just the anxiety getting me when I am in a vulnerable state, now being more aware and know actually miscarriage is more common than you may think.

Regardless of some of the negative aspects of my journey, I am grateful for the fact that living in England I can have the free choice to have a child or not. It is my choice and if I ever chose again to have an abortion I can do it safely without worrying that anything terrible will happen.

I believe women should have that choice and that is sad to see in America that it has gone backwards in time with 26 states making it illegal to ban abortion and now the changes are them women will still have an abortion but not in a safe environment. Like always it is mostly down to the white middle-class male telling us women how to live which is deeply sad.

Cheers for reading X