With or without anxiety

Hey readers,

I am struggling with my anxiety at the moment. One moment I feel like I am doing alright with life and then the next thing bang the darkness appears. I swear at times anxiety hates me, it is on 24-hour alert to catch me, especially when I am most venerable. 

It hates the fact that I am doing OK and hates to see me managing and getting on with life. My brain needs anxiety I feel, I can't relax and that is the biggest downfall. 

As I have experienced anxiety for so long where it is not there I worry about worrying if you know what I mean.

I have this inability to relax. I like the adrenaline at times, feeling alert and it almost feels like a way to clarify that I am alive and living.

I have had anxiety for most of my life that when I am not having anxiety I think it is my problem adapting to change. It feels weird to not have the anxiety around.

I am learning to try and let go, allow that anxiety to come and to try not to shy away from it. it is what it is, fear brings it on and that's not healthy either.

 I think being present at the moment with the anxiety is one of my biggest challenges. I can't believe how hard it is to just be and face the anxiety head-on.

 I am on alert, my body is tight, my muscles and mind hurt. Every night I have a splitting headache due to fighting this anxiety.

It feels like I am doing a mental workout, it is exhausting but with being anxiety warrior you can't deny resilience is there. 

Good or bad resilience it is in me and I keep on fighting when at times I just want to hide under a fort, but sadly I need to get up and go, with or without anxiety.

However, that being said I have spent years trying to get rid of this anxiety. Now, I am trying a new approach where I allow it to come, greet it with open arms. 

I don't want to be scared of anxiety anymore. I have autism as well and anxiety is a common trait for a lot of people on the spectrum including me. So, instead of trying to change it, I am going to acknowledge the anxiety.

 Sometimes the anxiety can be good, it might make me think twice about what I am doing. it may be anxiety cause let's face it not all anxiety is bad. 

I think the media portray it with negative connotations but you can use to your advantage.

The main line of this anxiety post is that I am trying to learn to live with the anxiety, accept it for what it is.

I don't put everything I have one then anxiety and know that it is the only sort of me. it doesn't define me and that actually in control of my life.

Cheers for reading X

Assortment

Hey readers, 

My word of the week is:

This week has been very much a mixed bag of emotions. I have had some good and some hard times. I treated my hubby to a meal at Cafe Rouge on Monday whilst the kids were at school. Which was lovely, as it was more relaxed and we could actually talk. 

My eldest this week moved up to stage 7 which I am really proud because some of the stuff with coordination is really difficult.  

Both my boys did really well on Friday with sports day and my youngest got first in the 20m and my eldest got second in the xxx metres. 

I have been struggling with my obsessive thoughts which have caused me to have quite a bad meltdown. I really struggle with the social aspects of things, I just remind me of childhood and I guess also upsets me.

I won't leave this post on a negative point because I feel guilty for sharing my thoughts. So, at the weekend the sun was out and we had a lovely picnic in the park and the boys loved having a runaround. 

Hope you have had a good week. 

Cheers for reading X 

A to Z of autism

Hey readers,

As an autistic person and a lover of the A to Z post I thought I would combine the two and see what I would come up with...here goes!

A - Autism obvs!

B - Biological family members are linked to autism as well associated with me. 

C - Communication is somewhat a struggle. 

D - you can still manage in life even with a diagnosis. 

E - Elopment where I just leave without telling anyone or letting my husband where I am going. 

F - Focus is strong when I am obsessed with a topic.

G - Girls have autism too!!!!

H - Hypoactivity occurs most nights.

I - More information needs to be made aware of adults who have autism.

J -  An autistic person likes things just so. 

K - Keep things consistent.

L - Language is difficult whether it is non - verbal or verbal it is hard to know how to get it to acceptable levels at times.

M - Meltdown because I have had a fair share of them.

N - Neurotypicals need to be said because we have to abide by there rules.

O - Overwhelmed in most cases. 

P - Patterns are comforting.

Q - Quiet helps calm me down.

R - Routine is worshipped. 

S - Sensory over or under it will be there somewhere.

T - Tired because it is hard work trying to remember all these rules. 

U - If I am not overwhelmed then I am underwhelmed and it is hard work trying to get the right balance of stimuli. 

V - Vocal in terms of speech where I don't know my volume, can either really loud or quiet as a mouse. 

W - Worry seems to make an appearance often in my autistic world.

X  - Fragile X is a close relative of autism. 

Y - You are not less with autism.

Z - Zoloft medication helps my obsessive nature.

Cheers for reading X  

Small spaces and autism

Hey readers,

When it comes to small spaces and my autism in some instances I like to be in small spaces. Other times small spaces make me feel really claustrophobic making me feel like I  want to run away and be free. 

Therefore in this post, I'm going to split up for reasons why I like small spaces and reasons why I don't small spaces. 

So why do I love small spaces as an autistic person? 

I think one of the reasons I like small spaces, in particular, is when I'm having a meltdown I feel like I need to curl up in a fetal position. I want to hide away in a small space where no one can get me that is dark and secure and safe.

 I identify my bedroom as my safe place and that is where I go to escape the emotional situation that can cause me to a breakdown of sorts. 

when I am in a small space I find that there are fewer stimuli for me to concentrate on. Therefore it calms me down a lot more quickly than when I am in a very stimulating environment where there is a lot going on. The type of stimuli that affects me is noise from the TV, bright lights, someone touching me. So, shutting out that noise helps calm me down and dispenses the meltdown. 

When I go into a small space it helps me to stop the overthinking and fast thoughts that occur in my mind. Small spaces give me a chance to reduce my feelings of being overwhelmed and trying to process this information when I'm deeply anxious. 

when I am in a small space it's normally deep within a quilt on a quilt on a quilt so that I am warm and secure in my small space. The small space and being closed in helps me feel safe again.  

Looking back and evaluating how I respond to small spaces I think one of the reasons that I see small spaces at times positive for me because they are comforting when I'm distress or when I'm anxious. Going to a safe and small space gives me that time to hideaway. 

Reasons why I do not like small spaces? 

I guess like most things the way I think about things is black or white and this the small spaces. Sometimes I deeply enjoy them and other times I detest them, there is no in-between for me. 

I don't like small spaces when I am in a busy place or I am not coping well with my anxiety. I feel trapped and find it hard to think of solutions, therefore, have felt that this is going to be forever. 

I need to feel in control and when I am not it causes upsets and meltdowns. Another time I don't like small spaces is at bus stops waiting for the bus. 

I feel really paranoid when there are others provided the space. I have been knowing to stand in the pouring rain because I don't like the entrapment. 

Cheers for reading X

Experiences

Hey readers, 

My word of the week is:

This is because we have been to do a couple things. On Saturday was a really busy day for us as a family. My youngest had his work displayed at a different school as it was an entry piece for the local young artist's competition. 

Later on in the afternoon, my eldest had free tickets to see Coventry City play at the stadium. My boys were desperate to go and watch a football match. I am not a fan of football, to be honest, but now my boys can say they have to a match and experienced it first hand. 

Also, this week we have started getting more SATS homework for my eldest as he is year 2 and the tests will be coming soon. It is a bit annoying as he has five different types of homework to complete and I think at his age is too much for him personally, but you what can you do.  

Anyhow hope you have had a good week. 

Cheers for reading X 

Change

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

This is because I've had a couple of changes and that something I struggle with. but hey go carry on and all the stuff. 

My youngest had an awful cough and was sick because of the mucus. His temp was also up and on Monday he was like death. So he had a couple of days to recuperate.  

Also, this week both my boys had the opportunity of parents coming to have lunch with them. Sadly my youngest was sick but my eldest was fine so he had the choice of mummy and daddy. 

So he picked me eek was expecting that. Still, even though my anxiety was through the roof I did it by myself so was that slightly nerve-wracking. my eldest was also very tense and anxious so I something to focus on to try and keep him calm. 

He also is not good with the change to routine and he doesn't like the noise which was a lot more now that there were more people than normal in the dinner Hall. 

Anyhow, hope you have had a good week 

Cheers for reading. X

Things not to say to an autistic person.

Hey readers,

As a person with autism, it can be frustrating at times talking to people about my condition as they have these preconceived ideas about what it must be like for me. Here is a list of things that I think don't need to be said to an autistic person like myself.

1.  You don't look autistic?

I got a feeling that a lot of autistic people have had this said to them. It is so frustrating because assume autistic people either sit and rock in a corner somewhere or are Rain Man, which I am neither extreme. Autism is a spectrum condition and it affects people differently and at different times. Not to mention that autism is constantly fluctuates depending on the circumstances and mindset of the person with autism.

2. Rain Man.

Like I said above some people assume you are Rain Man or you can excel in maths or computer studies. Yet again this is not me, I am not really good at either and enjoy fashion, ummm what about then.

3. Girls.

The amount of people who think autism affects only males is shocking. Ok, the thing is with the whole diagnosis is it is a bit outdated let's be honest. 

When we look at the criteria it is hard to see the complexities as its focus on certain characteristics and autism does not always correspond in that way. Because girls get diagnosed a lot later than the male counterparts they have to survive and that is where masking comes in, hence why they say girls are better at it, but that is one of the reasons why. 

Masking is basically mimicking the behaviour that the individual has observed someone do. The downside to this coping mechanism is that it is restrictive behaviour. The autistic person is not able to adjust if something changes because again you haven't learnt that pattern. The changes are you don't know what you are doing just basically blagging in order to try to fit in. I know because I still do it now and fail often.

4. Adults and autism.

A classic assumption is that children, once they reach adulthood magically, do not have autism anymore. People believe that the condition just vanishes overnight and the person when they reach adulthood can somehow function normally. 

However, I can assure you that this is not the case as autism still affects me and many more autistic adults. Autism is a condition that you have for the rest of your life, though you can create coping mechanisms to help manage living in a neurotypical world. 

I think this assumption is down to the fact sadly that there is little information or research was done on adulthood, yet but I feel optimistic that in the future there is more awareness about autistic adults.

5. Empathy.

People assume that a person with autism is cold and has no empathy. Yes, we do struggle with emotions and putting emotions in the wrong context etc. However, there have been times when I have been too empathetic with someone and literally felt their pain go through my body.

6. You can't have relationships. 

Yes, relationships of any variety are hard but I am married still going strong and raising two boys. It can be done with a lot of patience and understanding, it does not come easy and definitely not a smooth ride but if you work at it then it can be obtainable. 

Cheers for reading X

Being an autistic mum at school.

Hey readers,

Today I feel defeated once again. Once again I feel like I have let my children down in the fact that I can't perform as good as the other parents. I have decided to say no to going to school assembly because it is too much for me and my autism. 

I will confess that I hate my children's assembly which is held every Friday morning. I have done it for over two years and now I admit defeat. It is getting more crowded with classes and my senses are getting worked up. 

I get sensory overload as a result of being autistic. I get it really bad and sadly attending assembly is just unbearable. I feel rubbish because I wanted to be this perfect parent but I am not. It is making me feel physically sick from being exposed to the bright lights, the noise, the anxiety and the general chaos of kids coming and going. 

It appears I suffer from motion sickness, only recently has been bothering me. Therefore when kids run to take a sit and go past to go back to their class my head is in a spin. Don't get me wrong nothing personal, I think kids are great and much prefer them to adults - simple and you know what you are getting. 

Sadly, I don't mix well and occasional can be found to put my foot in it. I notice now that parents in cliches and chat. It hurts me because I feel rejected and the black sheep. Ok, my husband is here but I full well know next week when I am not he will be one of them. Yes, I am envious that he can jel and be a normal person, where I will always struggle. 

With having a disability that affects my parenting and stops me from doing things I am constantly trying to compensate for this as a way to balance it out. I don't know why because to be honest my kids love me, they understand and we discuss my autism. 

My eldest completely emphasises and never says a bad word. He has potential autism and that is the one good thing in a way is that with my autism I have inside knowledge and can help him in some areas. Just don't expect me to deal with emotions and relationships because that is not my area of expertise. I am practical-minded, I can come up with things to do that can distract him but if it is grey then I fail yet again. 

It is non stop guilt for me not being good enough. I know it is only me and I put this pressure on, maybe I care too much and have high expectations. I just wish I could drop them because I love my children and I am very proud of them with whatever they do. But we all have our limits and I am designed differently to most parents. Maybe one day I will find a way to drop this horrible guilt when I can't do something. 

Cheers for reading X 

Sensory autism wish list.

Hey readers,

I am autistic (if you didn't know, I just put it out there!). One thing that helps me is some sensory depending on what the item is. I find sensory items really beneficial and can be a real comfort especially when I am feeling really anxious. So, here are some products that if I had the money I would definitely buy them, till then I just wish for them.

1. Weighted blankets.

Can't start without mentioning the ever popular their ever so popular weighted blanket. I love the feeling of heavy material (I sleep most nights with a quilt, a throw and two sleeping bags, I sh*t you not). I just feel secure when I feel that entrapment on my body, I feel like I am in my own little bubble, especially when I am going through a meltdown a weighted blanket would benefit me a lot. I picked this one because it looked well made. The fabric looks super soft and comforting.

2. Sensory light explosion prism.

I respond very well to low, soft lighting. I am very hypersensitive to lights so it works for me. I really love this sensory light explosion, it looks amazing and the colours are subtle which I appreciate a lot. I don't like really bright lights as they trigger headaches and make me quite stressed due to the sensory of it. This explosion light is 3D and it also changes colour. This light would be a great distraction especially when I go through obsessive thinking and it could help calm me down when I am anxious.

3. Massage Mat.

Basically, this item is a massage mat with Five 12v motors inside a padded mat. Choose different combinations of speeds with the hand-held controller. I like the idea that you can control the strength and there are different settings depending on performance. Personally, I am not a fan of soft tough so I would 100% be hitting the hardest speed because I respond well to really strong and firm movements.

4. Large liquid filled sensory floor tiles.

Now if you have even been to a soft play then you may have come across these sensory floor tiles. I have been lucky too and love them. I think they are amazing to play with, lovely colour arrangement and just all round great tactile product.

5. Giant bubble tube.

I have wanted a bubble tube for so long now. I think they are stunning with colour movement and so calming. They would really help especially if you had a sensory room (that would be the dream right there). The tube has different soothing colours along with bubbles to relax anyone. It absolutely transfixes me for hours as I love light shows to calm me when I am hypo anxiety and would definitely benefit along with my eldest - which  I could imagine both of us together sitting watching it.

Cheers for reading X

How to deal with an autistic burnout.

Hey readers,

Some people may not be aware but I am autistic (I was diagnosed as a child with Asperger Syndrome). One of the things that a person like myself experiences is a thing called burnout. An autistic burnout can be short - as an experience of totally, exhaustion every week as I have two boys who go to school and that for me with all the social interactions is mentally exhausting. Short term burnout is what it says on the tin, I feel tired and very exhausting.

Tend not to get very motivated and just collapse on the sofa for a few hours or sleep to recover from all the mental processes because when you are autistic a lot of things are scripted (rehearsed or memories to help deal with a social situation) probably hence why can't cope with a new situation as I haven't got a coping strategy for it. I digress.

Long-term burnout is more severe in the sense of that it last longer and it can have long-term impacts such as regressing. For me sometimes when I have long-term burnout I regress, I can't cook, communicate probably or leave my home by myself (these are a few examples). It is basically I believe where I just had enough of constantly doing something over a long period and I just shut down because it is exhausting, to say the least.

So, how do I cope with burnout, well here are some ways that have helped me?

I suppose the most obvious one to help reduce the burnout feelings in to rest and you would be right. Rest is so important just to have that break to breathe and not focus on too many stimuli has really helped me. Also, keeping things simple and do things that help me relax like reading a book or listening to music.

When you have suffered a burnout you can beat yourself up especially when you have you have commitments like being a parent, you want to do your best so your build self up when you don't meet the expectations. No one is perfect and something that even now I still learning and that is it to be kind to myself.

This may help some people, it does for me but after a period after resting from burnout as I generally struggle to put my thoughts into words after the immediate event. It is ok to take your time and speak to someone if it helps you.

Like I have said previously to help rebuild your strength you have to start slowly and build from that. I have in the past wanted to go and too much which actually just sets you back further. Taking my time and doing things at a slower pace is fine. I used to be also on the go and feel that is what I had to do but mindfulness and allowing a slower pace has made a tremendous impact on my health.

Finally, writing down triggers to find out ways that help reduce or eliminate the triggering behaviour works for me. I am a bit of a sucker for a solution, sometimes we don't have a solution and that is ok, just focus on managing the situation the best you can.

Cheers for reading X