Thursday, 23 July 2015

chaos


Hey readers,
Hope your enjoying or surviving the first week of summer holidays. My week I feel is chaos. As much as I love spending time with my children it can be quite difficult managing intense periods of togetherness. I'm lucky though that my son can spend periods of time playing by himself but my youngest is quite clingy plus my hubby is working long hours to fix our car as the clutch is going. So, it feels more  tiring especially now that the routine has been pulled away. It is hard for me to replace a new schedule into our lives in the beginning. I am autistic and therefore this is one thing that as a parent i should manage but for me personally it is the biggest challenge to deal with change. But slowly getting to grips of adapting though I never thought shopping would take as long with a toddler that toddles behind! When I feel dread over some aspact if parenting I also try to remember to take baby steps and try not to focus on the bigger picture.  But on the positive we have more free time to explore days out without having to rely on structure and we can be a bit more impulse or have the odd late night. That is the fun side of sumner holidayd and creating memories.
Have a great week X



Tuesday, 14 July 2015

ftmob 14/07/2015

Hey readers,
So here is some snipets of quotes delivered by my sons this week but bear in mind my youngest is more one worded  jargon at the moment!
So, I everyday as an activity with my DS1 complete a weather chart and we go through what the day is, date, month and what the weather has to bring during the day. So on Monday I try to motivate my son to take part in this activity and with his toy in one hand whilst walking away from me replies "sorry mummy I am too busy". He is getting such a checky humour later I just can't help myself from laughing out loud. He certainly does make me smile!
At nursery my son has been learning all about caterpillars and how they transform into beautiful butterflies, yes we have read the hungry caterpillar several times. My son finds this subject very interesting as he demonstrates this phenomenon to me by telling me that, "caterpillars turn into flutterbyes". He further demonstrates this to me by getting his hands flat and spread out together and flutters therm vastly like your typical butterfly does.
When at nursery a member of staff asked what does my son not like and he responded by saying, "potatoes". This is interesting as he loves chips and roast potatoes, haha!
Now moving on to my DS2 and when wanting him to give me the toy from his hand the refused and even directly asking him, "please may mummy have that toy?" In response as crystical clear says "no!!!!". He has started to form such a big personslity for someone sdo small and has totally transforming especially now that he is less jargon like and moving on to sounds and even the odd word. There will be trouble soon as I can see augments between both my sons trying to get the first word in, eek!
Thanks for reading my round up of the week X


Friday, 10 July 2015

Acceptasnce

Hey readers,
 Hope your keeping well. This week has gone so fast that I have only noticed that today is Friday, where does time go, I'm getting old!
Anyhow, to sum up my week in a word would be

Aceeptance
 
Sometime in life you filled with what ifs and crippling guilt, mine mostly revolves around being a mummy and trying achieved this unreachable ideal that if I am honest I will never achieve. Not to mention the constant pressure of reading about this whole notion of appreciating your child every second of every bloody day, time is short and never get it back mentality. I will be honest here it's hard so hard that I am so absorbed with trying to hold on to them moments that I lose out in just being and having fun with my children. The fact of the matter is my children will grow up and get older and that is something that is out of my control!. Yes it is sad but you know you have a problem when it titally absorbs you and get lost in that realm of fear and dread every single day. It is a horrible place to be when all you think about is time ticking by and the fear of the unknown. Did I ever mention that not being in control.
I went to a fire service open day with my son on Saturday and the battery of my camera was dead, I was even in the middle of dragging my son away to town to purchase a disposable camera as my thoughts were I need a photo and if I don't get a photo my life will fall apart. I was stressed, anxious and generally just  plan miserable. Till I spoke to my husband who brought me back to reality in that so what if I don't get photos just being with my son and creating memories is so more important. This negative feelings is not making me nor my children happy and what counts is to just enjoy the moment and don't put pressure on your self. My son is so much more happier when I am relaxed and generally not giving a fuck, that is what he will remember the fun times, not a sodding photograph. It is so hard in this social media times to get bogged down with these stupid messages of pressure. What is most important is to accept your child will grow up and yes it is sad but it is more important to enjoy the time with your children. They will always have them memories and you can't capture everything nor can you remember it, it is just not possible. So accepting that fact that and try to chill out take some snaps but don't let it take you away from being in the moment. I need to remind myself that what is important is my children's happiness. Letsd just remember pre digitital photograph when disposiasbke cameras were taken and that was that, not everything documented and nothing terrible happened. I certainly still cherish good times so it is not the end of the world.
 
 
Thanks for reading X




Tuesday, 7 July 2015

Secondary Primary Caregiver

Hey readers,

This week has been somewhat challenging. My son has been sick and my routine has been changed. I am autistic therefore find change difficult, not to mention long periods of time with my children is hard and mentally draining for me.

Now I do have my husband as my carer due to my disability. As we are both are at home we can split the care if we wish. It allows me to have a break. However,  when I do I feel a break I am left feeling dreadful and guilty.

Why do I feel like this? well, because I feel I am not competent in being an adequate mother. I feel like a failure, maybe it is because I feel like I have been conditioned to feel like this.

I know there was an interesting drama on the telly some time ago, reflecting on real-life situations of parents who are disabled and the fear of social services taking their children away.

I worry about what happens when my husband, God forbid dies in an accident, would social services take my children away? In one sense I would be doing more jobs like cooking etc. 

So, maybe I may just deal with it and I wouldn't have as much time to think and reflect, therefore not feeling as bad.

One professional who I discussed my fears with regarding the situation about if hubby dies. She was very comforting with her words, saying that I would just deal with the situation and readjust to a new routine. I probably get some additional help.

 She works closely with social services and worked with other individuals with additional needs. She did say I had to be really bad to get my children taken off me. She knew that I worked really hard, open to professionals and I wasn't as bad as I feel inside my own head.

Why do I feel scared then? I feel that I am autistic and Like I would be judged for my downfalls, even though sometimes my autism can enhance my parenting!

The guilt eats away at me, I feel I should be working that bit harder as an autistic parent to make up for my incompetence. I feel I should focus more on my child. Of course, there are times when my husband is not around and I look after both children and funnily enough there is nothing bad that happened.

It is the battle I feel that I have to fight every single day. I dread some days because it is only me who is beating myself mentally for not being good enough parent. I feel as I am the secondary caregiver and that my role is not good enough. 

Even though I work my ass off and having to do more things consciously that others would take it as the water of a duck's back. I blame myself for having to have breaks and not for feeling better after. The guilt that I should be enjoying being with my child and not want to escape. But at times that is just what I want to do.

 Escape from the noise and having to focus all my attention on the child. Having to work overtime to plan and to perform in the correct manner. It is so exhausting and sometimes I just want to stop thinking.

Sometimes I feel that I am not worthy of being a parent because of my autism. I will influence their development and if anything goes wrong then I blame myself for not being good enough.  It is easy to get in this cycle especially if you have low self-worth. 

You feel isolated as there is not enough support for autistic parenting. We don't fall under the mental health or learning disabilities section, meaning that we are stranded, stuck and confused. 

That is how I feel. Being in a neurotypical world I am constantly battling and sometimes it is just my thoughts, other times I feel there are real barriers that hinder my performance.

Cheers for reading X
 

 

Friday, 3 July 2015

slow

Hey readers,
My word of the week is slow.

 This heat is making me go sloooooow but been enjoying my relaxed state of mood. I have just been really happy sitting on the balcony catching sone rays whilst the boys argue over who's turn it is to go on the scooter, teehee. And generally not having lot of energy to much other then lick a couple!e of twisters!
This sunshine has made me walk that little bit slower and just take in the moment around me and even though I live in the city of concrete I am surrounded by beauty, yes I did say that. It is good to not be a hurry from to time and just be one with ambience which has been much more chilled amoungst the hustle and hustle of city life!
I havs also enjoyed the cooler evenings as I get to spend time with my hubby and try to use the internet less and not get stuck in a cycle. I will reduce that now as I have just got my new phone in in the post, whoop. Meaning I can spread my useage out during the day and not so much rushing around in the evening.


Beauty is everywhere all you have to  look....




 
Thank you for reading X



Thursday, 2 July 2015

From the words of my son




Hey readers,
Hope your enjoying the heat wave and not melting away too much.
I love the concept of asking questions and only seen the idea on the internet a few weeks ago and why didn't think of it earlier I do not know. I definately recommend asking questions to your little ones as it really is insightful to understand their psyche. I also found asking questions has shown me the progress of my son's journey with hid speech. My son has got a speech delay and has already completed three rounds of speech therapy. I have to say we have seen massive improvements so asking questions has made me so proud of my little boy. Not just that but how far he has come in constructing sentences cohesively and well thought out answer when asking the more the in depth ones he doesn't immediately reply but takes time out to think about the question and what it means for him. There was a time in his younger days where he would just give you the answer you want and yeah he sometimes does that when he is tired or lazy still now.  Asking quedtions has shown me that he is being his own little person with his own personality. He also can think for himself on his own two feet. That my readers makes me feel so proud and kinda emotional in a good way to see his transformation. It only feels like yesterday when he was born and struggling to breathe by himself. Now in 2015 I see a funny and strong minded little boy that I can call mine.
Anyhows that is enough of the mush here are the questions and answers, enjoy.
What is your favourite colour? Blue
What is your favourite toy? Nee- nor (his fire engine toy).
What is your favourite fruit? Apple or banana
What is your favourite TV show? Naughty man walk the blank (AKA swashbuckle)
What us your favourite thing to eat at lunchtime? Chips and brown sauce
What is your favourite thing piece of clothing? Fireman Sam tee-shirt
What is your favourite game? nee-nors (racing cars round his road map rug)
What is your favourite animal? Oink oink
What is your favourite song? Twinkle twinkle little star chocolate bar
What is your favourite book? That is not my robot
What is your favourite drunk? Mummy bubbles (on the odd occasion)
What do you cuddle at night? Miffy, care bear and Lilly (his pink bear be got from hospital)
What is your favourite thing to do outside? Skipping
What is your favourite sport? Skipping
What do you want to be when you grow up? An adult
What is the best thing about being a kid? Playing on my scooter
What makes you happy? Daddy
What do you like to Gert when you go to Sainsbury's? Ice cream, I like ice cream, ice cream is my favourite!
How old is daddy? 62
How old is mummy? 68 (cheers son!)
How old are you? 3
How old is your brother? 1
Are you a girl or boy? Boy
Is daddy a girl or boy? Boy
Is your brother a girl or boy? Boy
Is mummy a girl or boy? Boy (says with a checky smile and changes it for girl)
Fearless, strong, independent son


Thank you for reading X

Thursday, 18 June 2015

Busy

Hey readers,
 
 So thinking of a word that sums up my week it would be busy.
Got a couple meetings and though they are only an hour or two coubbled with dealing with dropping off and collecting toddlers (both go to nursery but a different times and different nursery's) it soon eats away at your time. It does not help that it is my hubbys and mum's birthday along with the in-laws coming from Wales which will be lovely for the boys. But sometimes it can all feel a bit raggh and hopefully wishing for more hours in the day. On boy do I sound old and a cliché!
With being a parent I sometimes think it is so hard to get a balance with stuff going on and managing time. At times for me it is uber busy and I don't have a minute to myself and then on the other end of the scale I am suffering from cabin fever (tends to normally occur when it is raining, FFS!) and desperately want to go out somewhere.
At least on the positive side we are creating memories and I am not all the time having to be the 24-7 entertainer so that kinda gives me a break. Anyhow, I digress but primarily I hope there is some sunshine as I am most looking forward to cake. Did I mention that I suggested the idea on the impulse to make the cake and the fact that I am s**t at cooking, well not rubbish just not very good with measurements and instructions. Lol
Hope you have a lovely week and thank you for reading X


Friday, 5 June 2015

Pain

Hey readers,
 
Well the word I thought was best fitting for me to write about this week is pain. I know it is associated with negative images/meanings but I try thing my self as honest and this week has been a big struggle as I have had a throat infection and been in so much pain.
I won't lie I love  moan within reason and thing out is good to let out your feelings and can really be helpful when an illness makes you feel like hojhr4not so energetic self.
My throat has made me feel in so much paint6that it has been hard to motivate myself to do a lot and the main thing I struggle with is cooking. I'm not a massive fan of cooking when it something that I have to do so it was a real tester to get my act together and cook. Urgh! Pain!
Now I know this is a Wingy post (I haven't got time to wings anywhere else what with two active tots) so I am going write it here. I'm in bloddy pain and I feel I am haulsknbating about my bed and sleep, oh the thought!
OK back to reality, yes my throat has caused a lot I'd pain and really brought me to tears but also in an perverse sort of way it has slowed me down which is a positive. As my mind is very, very, very, very active and the sort of person to sit down for 5 so though I have had pasin it has also given me time to recharge my batteries. It has also stopped or not focused ass much my OCD thoughts (suffer with odd for years) and it has been bad recently it has helped me reflect and think about sim;me things. Not just that but stopping my casthropic and ritualistic habits gave really helped reduce my anxiety. So, there is pro's and con's with everything and you just got to taskje what you can from thee sitiasdyion.
So there you have it. Enjoy your week X







Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Autumn

The times are changing,
Everything is moving,
The temperature dips,
Whilst colours evolve.
The craving for home
Is a strong game,
To the shut the door,
Hideaway,
Safe from any danger.

Thursday, 14 May 2015

heart ache

My heart aches,
I wish I could stop the anger,
The confusion,
I can handle my own disability,
But now my child has it,
I feel angry at myself,
Giving the guilty genes,
Making him feel anxious,
Knowing soon there will be,
A time when he knows,
Others see him differently
And slowly hate himself.

Monday, 11 May 2015

I'm wide awake.

I'm wide awake now,
Looking back over
What happened.
What is the meaning,
Is there more to this
And how do you accept
The fate that lies.

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

who am I?

Who am I?
I don't know who I am anymore,
I have lost sight,
Of the person who I once was.

Friday, 24 April 2015

Waiting

The waiting is the hardest,
Not knowing,
No answers,
Just holding on.
I have no control,
I am left stranded,
My future is in their hands.

Tuesday, 21 April 2015

checking

The constant checking,
to find a formula,
that appears to calculate,
my need for answers,
but instead
End up in a tangled up mess.

Tuesday, 7 April 2015

my heart aches

My heart aches,
I'm reminded of my failures,
My mind is holding on
To not knowing,
I have lost the will,
My energy is low,
I can't think,
I just feel the ache,
Of not being good enough

Sunday, 31 August 2014

Waiting, wanting 

Waiting for something,
For all the answers,
That overflow
My tiny mind,
Maybe one day
It will come,
Till then

I will be waiting.

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

shouty mummy

Hey readers,

Today I lost my cool, I have had enough of bickering, the noise, my  anxiety and just generaal fucking life. I scream becuase I can't cope, I don't know what to say to husband, who trys be the reasoner, who quite frankly pisses me off becuase he is better then I will ever be.

I am useless, all the parent training, all the promises have gone straight out of the windown yet again. I am full of shit.

I can't communicate anything to anyone,
 I just want everyone to shut the fuck up. I mean  honestly who gives a fuck about mega bricks.
I am angry at the kids, at the husband at me for losing a stupid letter. I misplace everything and can't get it together. My life has fallen apart at this moment.

I never get anything right, I make empty promises.

I try to be calm next time.

I try to listen next time.

Instead I am full of wasted air.

I try not to let my anxiety get in the way and do stupid activities that are not ideal or convenient because I  can't be rational. I can't work things out like most people can. I have to do something then and not later. I push, push, push! 

Story.Of.My.Life.

I lose my shit, get angry have a meltdown and escape to my bedroom leaving everything like a world war there zone and my husband can deal with the aftermath of my force.

I am a useless piece of shit that expects too much from everyone. I have no patience, I am too literal and always fuck up! 

I constantly question why I had children, am I fit mother and just dealth everything I do. I find it hard to imagine how breeze through parenthood whereas I feel a total mess at each stage of the journey.

This is me.

Thanks for reading X


Monday, 21 July 2014

where to begin

I don't know where to begin,
I'm just tired,
Keeping my head above,
Is the hardest thing.

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

waiting

I know the time will come,
until then I wait,
In desperation,
not knowing what to expect,
million thoughts,
lead to one outcome,
still, I am waiting.

Tuesday, 1 July 2014

My Moment

Is my moment now?
Does all the other stuff matter?
What counts towards my path?
No one can tell me,
The door is open for me
To decide where I walk.