slow

Hey readers,
My word of the week is slow.

 This heat is making me go sloooooow but been enjoying my relaxed state of mood. I have just been really happy sitting on the balcony catching sone rays whilst the boys argue over who's turn it is to go on the scooter, teehee. And generally not having lot of energy to much other then lick a couple!e of twisters!
This sunshine has made me walk that little bit slower and just take in the moment around me and even though I live in the city of concrete I am surrounded by beauty, yes I did say that. It is good to not be a hurry from to time and just be one with ambience which has been much more chilled amoungst the hustle and hustle of city life!
I havs also enjoyed the cooler evenings as I get to spend time with my hubby and try to use the internet less and not get stuck in a cycle. I will reduce that now as I have just got my new phone in in the post, whoop. Meaning I can spread my useage out during the day and not so much rushing around in the evening.

Beauty is everywhere all you have to  look....

 

Thank you for reading X

From the words of my son

Hey readers,
Hope your enjoying the heat wave and not melting away too much.
I love the concept of asking questions and only seen the idea on the internet a few weeks ago and why didn't think of it earlier I do not know. I definately recommend asking questions to your little ones as it really is insightful to understand their psyche. I also found asking questions has shown me the progress of my son's journey with hid speech. My son has got a speech delay and has already completed three rounds of speech therapy. I have to say we have seen massive improvements so asking questions has made me so proud of my little boy. Not just that but how far he has come in constructing sentences cohesively and well thought out answer when asking the more the in depth ones he doesn't immediately reply but takes time out to think about the question and what it means for him. There was a time in his younger days where he would just give you the answer you want and yeah he sometimes does that when he is tired or lazy still now.  Asking quedtions has shown me that he is being his own little person with his own personality. He also can think for himself on his own two feet. That my readers makes me feel so proud and kinda emotional in a good way to see his transformation. It only feels like yesterday when he was born and struggling to breathe by himself. Now in 2015 I see a funny and strong minded little boy that I can call mine.
Anyhows that is enough of the mush here are the questions and answers, enjoy.
What is your favourite colour? Blue
What is your favourite toy? Nee- nor (his fire engine toy).
What is your favourite fruit? Apple or banana
What is your favourite TV show? Naughty man walk the blank (AKA swashbuckle)
What us your favourite thing to eat at lunchtime? Chips and brown sauce
What is your favourite thing piece of clothing? Fireman Sam tee-shirt
What is your favourite game? nee-nors (racing cars round his road map rug)
What is your favourite animal? Oink oink
What is your favourite song? Twinkle twinkle little star chocolate bar
What is your favourite book? That is not my robot
What is your favourite drunk? Mummy bubbles (on the odd occasion)
What do you cuddle at night? Miffy, care bear and Lilly (his pink bear be got from hospital)
What is your favourite thing to do outside? Skipping
What is your favourite sport? Skipping
What do you want to be when you grow up? An adult
What is the best thing about being a kid? Playing on my scooter
What makes you happy? Daddy
What do you like to Gert when you go to Sainsbury's? Ice cream, I like ice cream, ice cream is my favourite!
How old is daddy? 62
How old is mummy? 68 (cheers son!)
How old are you? 3
How old is your brother? 1
Are you a girl or boy? Boy
Is daddy a girl or boy? Boy
Is your brother a girl or boy? Boy
Is mummy a girl or boy? Boy (says with a checky smile and changes it for girl)
Fearless, strong, independent son


Thank you for reading X

Busy

Hey readers,

 

 So thinking of a word that sums up my week it would be busy.

Got a couple meetings and though they are only an hour or two coubbled with dealing with dropping off and collecting toddlers (both go to nursery but a different times and different nursery's) it soon eats away at your time. It does not help that it is my hubbys and mum's birthday along with the in-laws coming from Wales which will be lovely for the boys. But sometimes it can all feel a bit raggh and hopefully wishing for more hours in the day. On boy do I sound old and a cliché!

With being a parent I sometimes think it is so hard to get a balance with stuff going on and managing time. At times for me it is uber busy and I don't have a minute to myself and then on the other end of the scale I am suffering from cabin fever (tends to normally occur when it is raining, FFS!) and desperately want to go out somewhere.

At least on the positive side we are creating memories and I am not all the time having to be the 24-7 entertainer so that kinda gives me a break. Anyhow, I digress but primarily I hope there is some sunshine as I am most looking forward to cake. Did I mention that I suggested the idea on the impulse to make the cake and the fact that I am s**t at cooking, well not rubbish just not very good with measurements and instructions. Lol

Hope you have a lovely week and thank you for reading X

Pain

Hey readers,

 

Well the word I thought was best fitting for me to write about this week is pain. I know it is associated with negative images/meanings but I try thing my self as honest and this week has been a big struggle as I have had a throat infection and been in so much pain.

I won't lie I love  moan within reason and thing out is good to let out your feelings and can really be helpful when an illness makes you feel like hojhr4not so energetic self.

My throat has made me feel in so much paint6that it has been hard to motivate myself to do a lot and the main thing I struggle with is cooking. I'm not a massive fan of cooking when it something that I have to do so it was a real tester to get my act together and cook. Urgh! Pain!

Now I know this is a Wingy post (I haven't got time to wings anywhere else what with two active tots) so I am going write it here. I'm in bloddy pain and I feel I am haulsknbating about my bed and sleep, oh the thought!

OK back to reality, yes my throat has caused a lot I'd pain and really brought me to tears but also in an perverse sort of way it has slowed me down which is a positive. As my mind is very, very, very, very active and the sort of person to sit down for 5 so though I have had pasin it has also given me time to recharge my batteries. It has also stopped or not focused ass much my OCD thoughts (suffer with odd for years) and it has been bad recently it has helped me reflect and think about sim;me things. Not just that but stopping my casthropic and ritualistic habits gave really helped reduce my anxiety. So, there is pro's and con's with everything and you just got to taskje what you can from thee sitiasdyion.

So there you have it. Enjoy your week X

Autumn

The times are changing,

Everything is moving,

The temperature dips,

Whilst colours evolve.

The craving for home

Is a strong game,

To the shut the door,

Hideaway,

Safe from any danger.

heart ache

My heart aches,

I wish I could stop the anger,

The confusion,

I can handle my own disability,

But now my child has it,

I feel angry at myself,

Giving the guilty genes,

Making him feel anxious,

Knowing soon there will be,

A time when he knows,

Others see him differently

And slowly hate himself.

I'm wide awake.

I'm wide awake now,

Looking back over

What happened.

What is the meaning,

Is there more to this

And how do you accept

The fate that lies.

who am I?

Who am I?

I don't know who I am anymore,

I have lost sight,

Of the person who I once was.

Waiting

The waiting is the hardest,

Not knowing,

No answers,

Just holding on.

I have no control,

I am left stranded,

My future is in their hands.

checking

The constant checking,

to find a formula,

that appears to calculate,

my need for answers,

but instead

End up in a tangled up mess.

my heart aches

My heart aches,

I'm reminded of my failures,

My mind is holding on

To not knowing,

I have lost the will,

My energy is low,

I can't think,

I just feel the ache,

Of not being good enough

Waiting, wanting

Waiting for something,

For all the answers,

That overflow

My tiny mind,

Maybe one day

It will come,

Till then

I will be waiting.

shouty mummy

Hey readers,

Today I lost my cool, I have had enough of bickering, the noise, my  anxiety and just generaal fucking life. I scream becuase I can't cope, I don't know what to say to husband, who trys be the reasoner, who quite frankly pisses me off becuase he is better then I will ever be.

I am useless, all the parent training, all the promises have gone straight out of the windown yet again. I am full of shit.

I can't communicate anything to anyone,

 I just want everyone to shut the fuck up. I mean  honestly who gives a fuck about mega bricks.

I am angry at the kids, at the husband at me for losing a stupid letter. I misplace everything and can't get it together. My life has fallen apart at this moment.

I never get anything right, I make empty promises.

I try to be calm next time.

I try to listen next time.

Instead I am full of wasted air.

I try not to let my anxiety get in the way and do stupid activities that are not ideal or convenient because I  can't be rational. I can't work things out like most people can. I have to do something then and not later. I push, push, push! 

Story.Of.My.Life.

I lose my shit, get angry have a meltdown and escape to my bedroom leaving everything like a world war there zone and my husband can deal with the aftermath of my force.

I am a useless piece of shit that expects too much from everyone. I have no patience, I am too literal and always fuck up! 

I constantly question why I had children, am I fit mother and just dealth everything I do. I find it hard to imagine how breeze through parenthood whereas I feel a total mess at each stage of the journey.

This is me.

Thanks for reading X

where to begin

I don't know where to begin,

I'm just tired,

Keeping my head above,

Is the hardest thing.

waiting

I know the time will come,

until then I wait,

In desperation,

not knowing what to expect,

million thoughts,

lead to one outcome,

still, I am waiting.

My Moment

Is my moment now?

Does all the other stuff matter?

What counts towards my path?

No one can tell me,

The door is open for me

To decide where I walk.

i wonder where

I wonder where I would be,

If I didn't go down that road,

My mind is buzzing,

With all the other options,

But alas I am here,

As it is meant to be.

physical attraction

I bite my lip

because no words

help me

when my mind is blank.

I can knowledge pain

without the words

that is how roll

with this autistic stuff