FTMOB 15/11/2015

Hey readers,

1. The last week and a half my DS2 has started nursery and already his language has improved. He now loves coping tytms to sings that they sing such as Wheels on The Bus.
2. My eldest when having his bath after dinner says to me, #look ast hjid tummy it looks so big". Which tyo be fair it did, haha!S
3. So my son said to me today when playing with his small Minion Kinder Egg toy, "mummy he is flying home". I ask, " which way is his home?" And my son replies, "he going that way (indicating left), no mummy this way (turning instantly right).
4. My son is fixated on Fireman Sam and repeatedly recently my DS1 has said to me, " mummy when I grow up I want to be a fireman".
5. When my husband lifts my sons above his head he makes the eating noise and my son says, "I've eaten your hair all up daddy that is why we are bauld now". 
6. My DS2 has now officially said, " mummy". I don't know weather I should celebrate this milestone or dread hoiw much I will hear it ;)

 

Cheers for reading X

FTMOB - 02/11/2015

Hey readers,
Hope you enjoyed the half term, its be a former of a week with insightful chats from my eldest. My youngest is started go make a lot different sound shapes sothat is positive.
Anyhow here are few installments of chat from le boys.

1. My eldest watched me dress in the morning and rather euthastically pointed at my chest and says, "boobieeeees". Thank God it is not said in public!
2.  My eldest informed me this week he likes buses, voom voom cars, police cars, parks...interesting!
3. Watching Thomas this morning both boys together put their arms up and repeated choo choo train like they do on the telly!
4. Currently near where I live you can see a building being demolished and my son calls the machine that pulls the building apart a " munching machine#.
5. My youngest has now adopted the word "why" and I bet it is from copying his older brother.
6. My eldest is fascinated by our first aid kit and comments, "that is where the plasters are and adult medicine lives".
7. Every time my son seems anything he wants he replies, " I want one of them " or "I want that for my birthday".
8. My eldest enlighting me by telling me that he is growing and he will grow into an adult and therefore he can do the washing up and cooking like mummy and daddy.
9. We walked past some older children playing on a field a football match and my son says, " I want to that when I am older and then I will win ".
10. When we got out of the car my eldest said to me, " careful mummy the exhaust is very hot. You must not touch it or you will get burnt".

 

 

Cheers for reading X

Noise

Hey readers,
My word of the week is:

 

Noise

I chose the word noise as I have a lot of.internal chatter going on. However, I feel so good not having to run around like a headless chicken this week with not having to drop and pick up my son from nursery. It is lovely to see my son not so tired from nursery and not going to speech therapy this week. It gave my son the time to spend with his brother and just generally chill out.
The downfall of not being so structured and having less time is falling back on blog admin. I am the type of person to feel  guilty with not catching up on comments, commenting on linkies and so for. I don't know why I just think I am too conscientious at times and put too much pressure on myself. I am like that with everything though, if someone wants me to do something I immediately jump up like lightening to do it.  So, I feel guilty when I have been a bit slow, but it is silly really. I am sure I am not alone but I tend to over analyse like I am now and I really hate that about my personality. But sometimes it can come in handy, so really swings in roundabouts.
Anyhow I will be looking forward to carving our pumpkins as I love arts and craft type stuff with the sproglets. So happy Halloween readers and hope you have some spooktacular fun ;)

Cheers for reading X

First Child Vs Second Child

Hey readers,

I am writing this post to tell you my experience of what it is like to have a first and second baby and the differences between them. Trust me no child is the same but also you are neither the same. As experience and life shape, you and we are always moving forward whether we like it or not it, fact!

I digress, Here is my top ten list of the differences of having a first and second child.

 

1. When I first had my baby boy I was a nervous wreck about everything. My anxiety was flying off the radar. The change was so overwhelming and the feeling of not being in control because I have never done this whole parent business before emerged. I wanted to be perfect but I learnt fast that was an unrealistic expectation and unreachable! The second baby was a bit more relaxed (I always have anxiety) but felt more aware and knowledgeable second time round. Didn't fear labour as most of my fear first time round was based around the unknown.

2. First-time child  I could pay attention wholly on my darling and was a lot easier to have a focus on one child. Second time round was intense and very difficult for me as I am not good at multi-tasking. I am autistic I Iike to pay attention to one thing at one time. Trust me with an inquisitive and excitable toddler that ain't going happen. My two year old was mental with energy and was bouncing all over the place therefore found it very challenging. I think for both of us in reflection was a difficult transactional period. Now two years on I love it more as my boys are friends sometimes and my youngest can copy my eldest. His speech is better and faster and picks up on things from his brother.

3. My eldest had one cold in a two year period. Then he attended school and has a several cold/flu type illnesses. Whereas my second has had several illnesses pre school years old due to my eldest sharing his lovely germs.

4. With the first baby time was a lot more readily available therefore it was easier going out shopping and the like. Soon as the second one came along it was very, very stressful and struggle for me to manage when out and about. OK, lot easier now my son has kissed goodbye to the buggy for good. I don't have to worry about crashing the double buggy everywhere and running over peoples as much now! It is more manageable now though still don't do it frequently with two together as I get meltdowns due to being autistic. Luckily I am in a place where I don't have to worry too much about having to take them both out at the time. Like I said previously I really struggle to multi-task and then add social situations I am diabolical. Second time round I have less time to focus on each boy. However, I have to manage a routine after time and have adapted within my means. I am very lucky that my eldest picked up potty training in a week and that includes at night. So when it is nappy changing I just focus on including my son as a little helper so he doesn't feel left out.

5. With my first child I learnt the hard way with to make sure that everything was out of reach as soon as he could walk. In contrast, the second child is a breeze with safety as I had prior experience with it and already got a lot of safety features in the home.

6. When I was weaning my first child I was advised to baby-led weaning which as typical me I took as Gospel. I went to the group and followed the rules to the book. The downfall was I took everything literal therefore when they said the child had to use their hand I did just that. I didn't use any utensils as they said they had to experiment and learn for themselves. Being autistic common sense lacks and finding a medium ground is something that I fail badly with. No one explains instructions clearly therefore I find these periods of learning extremely stressful and it can really get me down. 

Second time around with weaning  I said fuck the rules and the stress. With weaning the first time round taught me to do with what I wanted to do. OK, the child was more compliant which made it a hell of a lot easier but I was more relaxed and I believe that influences parenting experience for all. 

7. When I had my first child I sterilised everything and had a panic attack if the lid of the bottle fell on the fall. Compare this to the second where the three-second rule applies right?! My thoughts are germs will help build his immune system and playing in mud is part of sensory play right ;)

8. As a new mum you want to try EVERYthing and get so absorbed in trying to be a perfect mother so therefore.o attended the dreaded baby group. The most boring thing in the world was attended by the groups. They nearly killed me with the stress of it and the social situations. I just found them so boring and the chat well was beyond tedious. I am just not one of the mums and certainly prefer structure play and not to be around small talk. Second time round I attended the baby groups and decided enough was enough. I am going to go to a dance group and the library group as I enjoy them as they are structured and love stories and songs over messy play ;) the pressure is not on so much and feels much more laidback about the issues around making sure my baby interacts properly. He has an older sibling so he is not going miss out. lol. 

9. When settling my eldest to sleep we cuddled him to sleep and then put him into his cot. where he would sleep soundly most through the night. In sharp contrast with having two children we put them together in their own bed in the same room and often leave them to get on with it. As they share a bedroom this impacted on them. Once we dropped the side of the cot for my youngest he would not settle at first. This impacted both my boys sleep settling as my youngest found it at first a novelty. So we had to stay there sitting with both boys fell asleep. However, one would wake up and crawl into the others bed. Normally my youngest as he is very affectionate and they would most of the time sleep together in one bed cramped together. Now, though it is more of a morning ritual for the boys to cuddle in bed at least us parents can have five minutes of peace before the mayhem begins.

10. When documenting baby's development you covered it and monitored intensely compared to the second child and you have some prints hitten away. But at least with the second time around you are not on tenterhooks as you know roughly what to expect. The major valuable lesson is that each child is different and will do what they want in their own time. Even if it is not what you expected most time you will find a way of muddling through.

 

Cheers for reading X

Happy

Hey readers,

My word of the week is

Happy

Knowing that we are coming to a half term and a breakis well needed here. I break from the mayhem of getting the my little boy to nursery is making me want to punch the air . I didn't think it be so tiring picking up and dropping off.but then for someone who struggles socially and the fact that their is no social order with people wondering everywhere Inn the building causes me to panic. Put anxiety is very high knowing I have to go in the building each day and face the chaos to not have to think about it for a week sounds amazingly blissful.
 I think that I am not the exception everyone in our household could do with a break and chill out. Everyone seems a bit more tired especially me and I  am not looking forward to the clocks going back. Though I do like the darkness and candle light. God I feel old when all I think about is sleep.I have two important meetings next week and so a break just to get through them would help my autistic mind.l and.my aching bones.
I am finding it difficult with lots of new things happening that this October break with less pressure will do me the world.

Cheers for reading X

A Bit Of This, A Bit Of That

Hey readers,
I have gathered even more chat over the last couple of weeks from the boys for you to enjoy:
So my son turned his arms out and spis around and apparently this is 'me being an electric windmill'. He has been obsessed with windmills ever since we went on holiday this year to Norfolk.
I love my sons replies whenever he realises he gets something wrong or mistaken he says "silly me mummy".
When daddy was sorting out DS1 breakfast one morning he was having toast and he said, " want honey on my toast daddy as it will make me super strong".
Daddy said to DS1 that he was really hot and my eldest responded by blowing him down with spit to call him down, lovely.
Anytime mummy is panicking or nervous my eldest reassurances me by saying "don't worry mummy".
My youngest is still making sounds and can say " ooth, Mr Oom" (Mr Bloom if you were wondering).

None other than Mr Bloom

We have a chilli plant in the kitchen and we have finally grown a chilli and it has now changed a red colour. My son told my husband, "daddy chilli plant red now you can eat it now".
Daddy had a shandy homemade and he was telling mummy that he did not the strength of his drink and my son said matter of factly, " my brain knows how strong it is, it's a little bit strong".
Thanks for reading X

Energetic

Hey reader,

My word of the week is:-

 

 

 Energetic

 

I chose this word because I feel I have loads of energy this week. I don't know why, maybe it was because I have been relaxing the week before due to poorlyness. But I feel really motivated right now and actually feel inspired to do them jobs that you but off because you just can't be arsed.
Also, I hace signed up for a music class which has taken me awhile to have the courage to do due to slef dealting. But I took the pulge and signed up this week we shall see on the day how that goes.
I feel more motivated and good in myself which will always be a battle with my depression as I am always swinging that arrow from one mood to the next. The lesson I have leant when living with depression is that you appreciate the good days when I feel good and not so self doubting as a parent.
I've been calmer around the kiddos too and being more patient. I have been really working hard on my communication skills. I have had some good news with having a date set for a specialist parenting class as i have some difficults due to my autism. So I am feeling a bit more optimistic and when you finally see some good it makes you feel more positive to face the days. Lets hope it stays this way.

Cheers for reading X

Ftmob 05/10/2015

Hey readers,
Hope your keeping well, I have some great snippets this week so here goes:-

1. On the bus with my eldest and he says REALLY loadly "where's daddy's muppet'. This comment is in reference to my husband the day before in the car calling a driver a Muppet as they did not indicate ands pull straight of a junction.
2. When we are in the lift (we live in tower block) and a really tall man gets in and my son repeatedly says "that man is really tall, why is that man really tall!" Yes this made me cringe and kids are far too honest sometimes, haha!
3. When we were having paella the other week my son tells hubby "I like peas now daddy".  
4. Now if we tell my eldest we haven't got the money for something my son responds and says, "I've got money in my piggy bank mummy". I can confirm that yes there is money in the piggy bank but sadly only full of twos/ones and five pees. Lol!
5. My youngest saw a fly come through the window and he says "buzzzzzz"
6. My hubby has two different songs connected to two different alarm times on his phone each being the music artist Moby. So I put a Moby video on YouTube for my son as he requested so sweetly and he comments and obsesses for days and asked a lot, "why is Moby bauld like you Daddy". Haha!
7. When I state anything my DS1 things he already knows he replies, "yeah I know". Very little Britain style ;)
8. My son refers to anything star shape as " twinkle twinkle little star ".

Cheers for reading X

 

 

Migraine

Hey readers,

Hope you are keeping well!

My word of the week is:

 

 

Migraine 

 

I chose mirgraine as my word as it had dominated my week and a huge influence in my mood. It has stopped me from doing my normal days and been a general pain in the arse! But then again it is a excuse to do sod all so every silver lining!
I was dubious to write this as I feel really paranoid about what I write at the moment. I don't know why I just really conscious of what I write about. I don't know if I am the only one who feels like this. Obviously I don't write about personal stuff to me. However, I do try to be authentic even though sometimes I sound like a d**k!
I worry I moan too much but on the other hand this is my space and it is good to moan on here and use as a vent rather then maybe more.negative ways like eating chocolate, haha.
Anyhow sorry about the ramble. I just tend to write  about the first things that pop into my brain.
Thank you for reading and hope you have a good week X

Outdoors

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

 

 

Outdoors

 

 

 

 

This is because we have been out.and about and just generally having fun with my boys.
As you are probably aware we have been blessed with a few days of sunshine and warmth. Obviously, being British weather you have to cease the moment.
Therefore we have been exploring local parks, including a new one which was refreshing to have new scenery. We also had lovely crisp walks crunching the leaves and  even having the odd ice cream.

We also ventured out to Button Dassett country park which is brillant for little kids as it allows them to be free to walk about without worrying about cars. We also got to watch the sunset setting on top of a hill which was lovely do as a family.

That pretty sums up my week, hope you have had a good week.

Cheers for reading X

 

 

 

Upheaval

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:-

 

 

 

 Upheaval

 

I have chosen upheaval for my word as I feel so much change happening right now in my life.
My boy had his birthday and just feel like time is going to fast.  I want to stop it but I need to accept that is.the nature of life.  I keep reminding myself that it is what it is and that somethings  are out of my control and that what is important to mu health is tocalm down and just enjoy the moment. This is always probably going to be a big challenge to me. It is so hard to relax as a parent especially when there is so much noise goqong on in your head.
Some days I don't know whether I am coming or going and other days run smoothly. It is hard work being a parent and trying to get it right and not screw it up too much. Argh.
Anyhow, I feel hormonal tight now so that makes a bit more tricky. Hopefully with some quiet time at the weekend things will pan out more better for me. Sorry for the chaoticness in my writing but this is how I have been feeling this week. Fingers crossed next week I will be a bit more calmer.

Have a good week and thank you for reading X

Selection of chat with the boys

Hey readers,
Gathered up a selection of the finest chat with the toddlers, haha. Here goes:-

• My son running around like a helicopter pretending and saying 'emergency, emergency, crash'. You can imagine it arms out doing this down isles, parks anywhere really. You got love kids imagination!
• I ask my eldest how old will he be when he has his birthday? 'Mummy I will be four next' so cute and so proud to inform me that, bless.
• My eldest informs me with such urgency, 'mummy, my shoes don't fit anymore and i need to get my feet measured as they are way too big'. Now I shall inform you that he made this decision when he overheard me talking to daddy and discussing the fact that  we need to get the boys feet measured soon.
• I asked my eldest what he wants to do  for the day and he responded by saying that he 'wants to go on a bouncealine'. Got to love the made up words kids create.
• My youngest son can now say a handful of words which include ballon, me please, book, shoes. Today was the first time he waved and said goodbye.
• My youngest is also in between babble and chat and loves making sounds. He has a geko cuddly toy and learnt from his older brother the sound of a dinosaur. He now is fixated with making this sound a lot which is ever so cute as it is such a gentle noice.
• My eldest has learnt the word YouTube and asks if he can a video on YouTube all nthe time. must be a very popular word for tots or I am a very bad parent, haha.
• My son spontaneously told me speed bumps go up and down and demonstrated with jumping up and down like a kangaroo.
• My youngest son pushes his play pushchair into living room and I followed him behind and my son turns around and says stop with his hand out, checky monkey!

I do love this stage of childhood it really makes me laugh and surprises me how much little ones take in, genius!

 

Cheers for reading X

 

Change

Hey readers,

My word of the week is

 

 Change

 

 

 

A lot has happened over the past few months that can only be described as testing. At times I really felt that I won not be able to manage but lucky I have had so much support from my husband. Though it has been rocky for all my family we are still hear and shown the world that we can do it.  I know I am not perfect and have disabilities that effect me as a person and a parent but with the correct support we have moved forward. Finally it feels like we have seen a light at the end of the tunnel.Though I have lost things on the way I will always be committed to my children. So I am celebrating a new direction and change  in my  life and feel so much more positive.

Thank you for reading and sorry it is so cryptic but don't want to air my laundry in public as it is very personal.  But this event has had a huge impact mentally and physically this week that it was only right to include it this Week!

Nursery

Hey readers,

The word that sums up my week is:

 Nursery

 

This week has seen the return of my eldest going back to nursery after the half term. Boy has it really affected him with tiredness. I have found a bit.difficult to handle as he has been beyond tired and very emotional.
I am currently on a parentimg course to help mange the way I parent better. So I have incorporated a few changes such as putting less stimuli available for my eldest. This is because he finds it hard to wind down and therefore needs fewer distractions at night when he struggles the worst.
I have started with putting calming music on, toys away at a certain time, speaking whispers etc. We shall see how that goes as it is early days and I've honest it is hard work changing and trying to improve a situation especially have cognitive imparenments myself. Some days I wish there was a manual as it can be quite overwhelming for me.
I could not forget a big event happening in my life this week with my youngest going to nursery this week. He previously went to a different nursery before the summer hoildays but did not get the funding. This time we have found some funding which is great. He absolutely loves it and has settled in really well with no tears or anything. He used to the building as brother goes there and has already been in a similar setting which is a Bonus.   I just caught him today without his knowledge and it is lovely to watch and see how independent and how happy he is.
Cheers for reading X

Greedy

why you so greedy?

All you do is

Take and want,

One day

You will lose,

And have nothing,

To show.

Half term

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

half term

This is because it is half term and I love good old cliché ;)

It has been lovely not to rush around in the morning but we have also been decorating the boy's bedroom. 

So long days and chaos. It will be worth in the end however it is currently solid work. Plus trying to entertain children has made me a bit worn out.

Though I did enjoy rythme time this week with the boys. We have not done it for so long as the boys are both in the nursery now. 

The boys enjoyed the library with singing and having the opportunity to choose a book. It really is the simple things that can give you so much pleasure. I have learnt so much recently in watching children and their perspective.

 You always think you will be the teacher when you become a parent. That is not always the case as children teach you things too.

Anyhow enough of the emotional crap I had a day out child-free this week also. I so needed a break and I went to Birmingham. I went on the tram as I am a bit of a geek like that. I love it, it is so ace and easy to get to places. I now have to take my boy which I know he will love it so much!

Also while I was in Birmingham I treated myself to some gorgeous multi-coloured pens from Paperchase.

Cheers for reading X

Relaxing

My word of the week is:-

 

 

Relaxing

 

 

 

After having a week away in Norfolk with the family it has really helped relax me and feel motivated. Nothing better then getting away from it all from the daily grin of day to day stuff. 

One aspect of hoildaying that I enjoyed is seeing different scenes and being able to relax without having to have the typical thoughts at home of how.am I am going to fit everything all in.

The hoilday has also given me time to be a more relaxed mummy to the boys and have some fun creating memories.

It is not all about being chilled though as  the week also was challenging for me. The holiday helped me face up to some of the mental challenges I face. Particularly the intrusive and ritualistic thoughts that I experience due to my OCD. It has helped me deal with the thoughts face on. Because when I am at home I can get easily distracted by life at home. Though the thoughts are not pleasant it has helped me feel more on control and show me that thoughts are simply thoughts and they can not get me!

But the best bit has to be returning home and sinking deep into your own bed. Nothing beats it really?!

Thanks for reading X

Hey readers,

My word for the week is September as it is September and it feels like a new start.

 

 

 September

 

 

 I associate September with the start of the new academic year. It.is also my son's final year at nursery then he will start school. It feels like a final chapter for my son though I don't get sad about it but clebrate my son's achievement. My son has come such a long way and makes me very proud.
This week was the return for my son to nursery and at first he was really down. This is because it is kinda new for him as he is in a new room with different children and workers. However. that did not last long as when I went to collect him he found his spring which I don't think it was influenced by being able to do tons of painting ;)
I love September as I feel this time of year has a sense of calm maybe because it is cooler time of year, people feel more relaxed. Alternatively, I may just associate these feelings with my childhood or maybe I don't have to completely intensively have to look after my child. Not that don't love my child but it is bloody hard work when they are young and don't get a break

I do love the cooler air, darker nights and the colours that are found at this time of year.

Thanks for reading X

Cold

Hey readers,
My word of the week is:

Cold

It just seems to be me but in my household I am freezing even when the sunshine is out. Though can't moan too much as it has been beautiful and I have enjoyed getting out and snapping some beautiful sunsets. Which is probably good as hubby is rearranging wires and moving furniture around . The kitchen and living room is chaos. I hate mess and disruption. I dont know how other people copy with it but it leaves me feeling irritated and powerless. I think I am a control freak and like order. I hate it when things are not in order and a mess. Though I have been colouring more as a result to help distress me and take my mind away from the sawdust floor. On a positive note we had a Chinese and oh my word have not had one for a long time but it was amazing and thr added benefit of not having to worry about cooking. 
I have also joined a course to teach me the skills to be mindfu. I can't promise I will be chilled and less anxious . still I am willing to learn anything that might help me be more  relaxed.
Hope you have a good week!
Cheers for reading X

Under my nose

Why I do feel so angry,

At the injustice,

Hearing them speak,

Why can't they be human,

Instead of turning a blind eye.

Sleepy

Hey readers,

My word of the week is sleepy.

I think this because of returning from holiday and being blessed with a cold, boo!
I find it so hard to get back into a routine especially when you have double the amount of washing. Not to mention having to prepare dinners. How irritating and I already miss being on holiday. As when we were away we went out most of the time or opted for really easy meals. God I hate cooking when it is something I have to do. The rebel inside me says Nooooo and feel.so confined with it feeling like a chore!
Still at least I got to catch up on admin with my blog, which is always blessing.
Another celebration is getting through the fifth week of summer holidays. Can you believe it, it has gone so fast. Reflecting back just before my sons broke up from nursery I dreaded how I was going to get through the intense period. But some how you just get into the routine and things juss fly past.
I am a bit sad though as just found found out today my son will not be returning to nursery. This is because they could not have the funding for my youngest nursery placement but I am not dwelling on it too much as he will start in January as he will be.entitled to his two year funding.  However, part of me is happy as I get to spend more one on one time with my boy. This gives me a change to explore different places with him without being restricted to getting him to nursery and collecting him.
Now all I can think of is my bed and sleep: D

Thanks for reading X

swollen

My throat hurts

No more pain,

Please leave

My body is done.

Light

The responsibility has gone,

I feel lighter,

Knowing it is out,

 now I weight,

With nothing else,

To do.

Leave me

Don't leave me,

I'm scared

I don't know nothing,

Life to scary,

With no instructions

Chat from the boys

Hey readers,
It's a new week and here is my recent collection of funny chat  from my son or milestone regarding speech.

• When my support worked comes to see me my eldest instantly knows it relates to me and my well being. He makes it very clear that 'I'm going look after mummy'.
• When my eldest does not like something or does not want to do the requests from other he says 'no,no,no,no,no,no' cue x10000 times!
• Every time we tell my eldest something he responds by saying 'yeah I know' in a very typical Little Britain style or like a three year old going on on 13 with an attitude.
• The other day when we come back from shopping and walking home my son stubbornly says to to me 'I can carry my owl, umbrella and the cheese for daddy '. Refusing any help even though he is blatantly struggling. When did kids Get so independent hey!
• So I am drawing around the silhouette of my son's thumb and he responds very grown up saying 'that is perfect mummy', I feel proud because I have my son's seal of approval, I'm winning!
• On the bus full of people and the bus driver drives past Ikea and my son shouts out mega loud 'mummmmmy, I want to go to Ikea'. Honest I don't own him ;)
• When my son finishes his meal I say to him are you full and he responds by saying 'all my food in my tummy and it is going to make me be very big and strong'.
• When I was out with my sons at the park I let my youngest be free to wonder and he runs straight to the ice cream van, turns to me smiles and points and says 'meeeeeeeeeee' clearly letting me know he wants one thing and one thing only!
• With my eldest when we were chatting he says mummy you not got a Willy and then he pretends to magically provide me  with one  and says I give you a willy on your tummy'. Thanks son just what I have always wanted.
• Finally my youngest has now managed to say mummy but not to sure how I feel mixed with loriud and omg that's it now I am going hear two lkoads of mummmmmy, haha!

That's my round up done and dusted,

 

Cheers for reading X

 

chaos

Hey readers,
Hope your enjoying or surviving the first week of summer holidays. My week I feel is chaos. As much as I love spending time with my children it can be quite difficult managing intense periods of togetherness. I'm lucky though that my son can spend periods of time playing by himself but my youngest is quite clingy plus my hubby is working long hours to fix our car as the clutch is going. So, it feels more  tiring especially now that the routine has been pulled away. It is hard for me to replace a new schedule into our lives in the beginning. I am autistic and therefore this is one thing that as a parent i should manage but for me personally it is the biggest challenge to deal with change. But slowly getting to grips of adapting though I never thought shopping would take as long with a toddler that toddles behind! When I feel dread over some aspact if parenting I also try to remember to take baby steps and try not to focus on the bigger picture.  But on the positive we have more free time to explore days out without having to rely on structure and we can be a bit more impulse or have the odd late night. That is the fun side of sumner holidayd and creating memories.
Have a great week X

ftmob 14/07/2015

Hey readers,
So here is some snipets of quotes delivered by my sons this week but bear in mind my youngest is more one worded  jargon at the moment!
So, I everyday as an activity with my DS1 complete a weather chart and we go through what the day is, date, month and what the weather has to bring during the day. So on Monday I try to motivate my son to take part in this activity and with his toy in one hand whilst walking away from me replies "sorry mummy I am too busy". He is getting such a checky humour later I just can't help myself from laughing out loud. He certainly does make me smile!
At nursery my son has been learning all about caterpillars and how they transform into beautiful butterflies, yes we have read the hungry caterpillar several times. My son finds this subject very interesting as he demonstrates this phenomenon to me by telling me that, "caterpillars turn into flutterbyes". He further demonstrates this to me by getting his hands flat and spread out together and flutters therm vastly like your typical butterfly does.
When at nursery a member of staff asked what does my son not like and he responded by saying, "potatoes". This is interesting as he loves chips and roast potatoes, haha!
Now moving on to my DS2 and when wanting him to give me the toy from his hand the refused and even directly asking him, "please may mummy have that toy?" In response as crystical clear says "no!!!!". He has started to form such a big personslity for someone sdo small and has totally transforming especially now that he is less jargon like and moving on to sounds and even the odd word. There will be trouble soon as I can see augments between both my sons trying to get the first word in, eek!
Thanks for reading my round up of the week X

Acceptasnce

Hey readers,
 Hope your keeping well. This week has gone so fast that I have only noticed that today is Friday, where does time go, I'm getting old!
Anyhow, to sum up my week in a word would be

Aceeptance

 

Sometime in life you filled with what ifs and crippling guilt, mine mostly revolves around being a mummy and trying achieved this unreachable ideal that if I am honest I will never achieve. Not to mention the constant pressure of reading about this whole notion of appreciating your child every second of every bloody day, time is short and never get it back mentality. I will be honest here it's hard so hard that I am so absorbed with trying to hold on to them moments that I lose out in just being and having fun with my children. The fact of the matter is my children will grow up and get older and that is something that is out of my control!. Yes it is sad but you know you have a problem when it titally absorbs you and get lost in that realm of fear and dread every single day. It is a horrible place to be when all you think about is time ticking by and the fear of the unknown. Did I ever mention that not being in control.

I went to a fire service open day with my son on Saturday and the battery of my camera was dead, I was even in the middle of dragging my son away to town to purchase a disposable camera as my thoughts were I need a photo and if I don't get a photo my life will fall apart. I was stressed, anxious and generally just  plan miserable. Till I spoke to my husband who brought me back to reality in that so what if I don't get photos just being with my son and creating memories is so more important. This negative feelings is not making me nor my children happy and what counts is to just enjoy the moment and don't put pressure on your self. My son is so much more happier when I am relaxed and generally not giving a fuck, that is what he will remember the fun times, not a sodding photograph. It is so hard in this social media times to get bogged down with these stupid messages of pressure. What is most important is to accept your child will grow up and yes it is sad but it is more important to enjoy the time with your children. They will always have them memories and you can't capture everything nor can you remember it, it is just not possible. So accepting that fact that and try to chill out take some snaps but don't let it take you away from being in the moment. I need to remind myself that what is important is my children's happiness. Letsd just remember pre digitital photograph when disposiasbke cameras were taken and that was that, not everything documented and nothing terrible happened. I certainly still cherish good times so it is not the end of the world.

 

 

Thanks for reading X

Secondary Primary Caregiver

Hey readers,

This week has been somewhat challenging. My son has been sick and my routine has been changed. I am autistic therefore find change difficult, not to mention long periods of time with my children is hard and mentally draining for me.

Now I do have my husband as my carer due to my disability. As we are both are at home we can split the care if we wish. It allows me to have a break. However,  when I do I feel a break I am left feeling dreadful and guilty.

Why do I feel like this? well, because I feel I am not competent in being an adequate mother. I feel like a failure, maybe it is because I feel like I have been conditioned to feel like this.

I know there was an interesting drama on the telly some time ago, reflecting on real-life situations of parents who are disabled and the fear of social services taking their children away.

I worry about what happens when my husband, God forbid dies in an accident, would social services take my children away? In one sense I would be doing more jobs like cooking etc. 

So, maybe I may just deal with it and I wouldn't have as much time to think and reflect, therefore not feeling as bad.

One professional who I discussed my fears with regarding the situation about if hubby dies. She was very comforting with her words, saying that I would just deal with the situation and readjust to a new routine. I probably get some additional help.

 She works closely with social services and worked with other individuals with additional needs. She did say I had to be really bad to get my children taken off me. She knew that I worked really hard, open to professionals and I wasn't as bad as I feel inside my own head.

Why do I feel scared then? I feel that I am autistic and Like I would be judged for my downfalls, even though sometimes my autism can enhance my parenting!

The guilt eats away at me, I feel I should be working that bit harder as an autistic parent to make up for my incompetence. I feel I should focus more on my child. Of course, there are times when my husband is not around and I look after both children and funnily enough there is nothing bad that happened.

It is the battle I feel that I have to fight every single day. I dread some days because it is only me who is beating myself mentally for not being good enough parent. I feel as I am the secondary caregiver and that my role is not good enough. 

Even though I work my ass off and having to do more things consciously that others would take it as the water of a duck's back. I blame myself for having to have breaks and not for feeling better after. The guilt that I should be enjoying being with my child and not want to escape. But at times that is just what I want to do.

 Escape from the noise and having to focus all my attention on the child. Having to work overtime to plan and to perform in the correct manner. It is so exhausting and sometimes I just want to stop thinking.

Sometimes I feel that I am not worthy of being a parent because of my autism. I will influence their development and if anything goes wrong then I blame myself for not being good enough.  It is easy to get in this cycle especially if you have low self-worth. 

You feel isolated as there is not enough support for autistic parenting. We don't fall under the mental health or learning disabilities section, meaning that we are stranded, stuck and confused. 

That is how I feel. Being in a neurotypical world I am constantly battling and sometimes it is just my thoughts, other times I feel there are real barriers that hinder my performance.

Cheers for reading X

 

 

slow

Hey readers,
My word of the week is slow.

 This heat is making me go sloooooow but been enjoying my relaxed state of mood. I have just been really happy sitting on the balcony catching sone rays whilst the boys argue over who's turn it is to go on the scooter, teehee. And generally not having lot of energy to much other then lick a couple!e of twisters!
This sunshine has made me walk that little bit slower and just take in the moment around me and even though I live in the city of concrete I am surrounded by beauty, yes I did say that. It is good to not be a hurry from to time and just be one with ambience which has been much more chilled amoungst the hustle and hustle of city life!
I havs also enjoyed the cooler evenings as I get to spend time with my hubby and try to use the internet less and not get stuck in a cycle. I will reduce that now as I have just got my new phone in in the post, whoop. Meaning I can spread my useage out during the day and not so much rushing around in the evening.

Beauty is everywhere all you have to  look....

 

Thank you for reading X

From the words of my son

Hey readers,
Hope your enjoying the heat wave and not melting away too much.
I love the concept of asking questions and only seen the idea on the internet a few weeks ago and why didn't think of it earlier I do not know. I definately recommend asking questions to your little ones as it really is insightful to understand their psyche. I also found asking questions has shown me the progress of my son's journey with hid speech. My son has got a speech delay and has already completed three rounds of speech therapy. I have to say we have seen massive improvements so asking questions has made me so proud of my little boy. Not just that but how far he has come in constructing sentences cohesively and well thought out answer when asking the more the in depth ones he doesn't immediately reply but takes time out to think about the question and what it means for him. There was a time in his younger days where he would just give you the answer you want and yeah he sometimes does that when he is tired or lazy still now.  Asking quedtions has shown me that he is being his own little person with his own personality. He also can think for himself on his own two feet. That my readers makes me feel so proud and kinda emotional in a good way to see his transformation. It only feels like yesterday when he was born and struggling to breathe by himself. Now in 2015 I see a funny and strong minded little boy that I can call mine.
Anyhows that is enough of the mush here are the questions and answers, enjoy.
What is your favourite colour? Blue
What is your favourite toy? Nee- nor (his fire engine toy).
What is your favourite fruit? Apple or banana
What is your favourite TV show? Naughty man walk the blank (AKA swashbuckle)
What us your favourite thing to eat at lunchtime? Chips and brown sauce
What is your favourite thing piece of clothing? Fireman Sam tee-shirt
What is your favourite game? nee-nors (racing cars round his road map rug)
What is your favourite animal? Oink oink
What is your favourite song? Twinkle twinkle little star chocolate bar
What is your favourite book? That is not my robot
What is your favourite drunk? Mummy bubbles (on the odd occasion)
What do you cuddle at night? Miffy, care bear and Lilly (his pink bear be got from hospital)
What is your favourite thing to do outside? Skipping
What is your favourite sport? Skipping
What do you want to be when you grow up? An adult
What is the best thing about being a kid? Playing on my scooter
What makes you happy? Daddy
What do you like to Gert when you go to Sainsbury's? Ice cream, I like ice cream, ice cream is my favourite!
How old is daddy? 62
How old is mummy? 68 (cheers son!)
How old are you? 3
How old is your brother? 1
Are you a girl or boy? Boy
Is daddy a girl or boy? Boy
Is your brother a girl or boy? Boy
Is mummy a girl or boy? Boy (says with a checky smile and changes it for girl)
Fearless, strong, independent son


Thank you for reading X

Busy

Hey readers,

 

 So thinking of a word that sums up my week it would be busy.

Got a couple meetings and though they are only an hour or two coubbled with dealing with dropping off and collecting toddlers (both go to nursery but a different times and different nursery's) it soon eats away at your time. It does not help that it is my hubbys and mum's birthday along with the in-laws coming from Wales which will be lovely for the boys. But sometimes it can all feel a bit raggh and hopefully wishing for more hours in the day. On boy do I sound old and a cliché!

With being a parent I sometimes think it is so hard to get a balance with stuff going on and managing time. At times for me it is uber busy and I don't have a minute to myself and then on the other end of the scale I am suffering from cabin fever (tends to normally occur when it is raining, FFS!) and desperately want to go out somewhere.

At least on the positive side we are creating memories and I am not all the time having to be the 24-7 entertainer so that kinda gives me a break. Anyhow, I digress but primarily I hope there is some sunshine as I am most looking forward to cake. Did I mention that I suggested the idea on the impulse to make the cake and the fact that I am s**t at cooking, well not rubbish just not very good with measurements and instructions. Lol

Hope you have a lovely week and thank you for reading X

Pain

Hey readers,

 

Well the word I thought was best fitting for me to write about this week is pain. I know it is associated with negative images/meanings but I try thing my self as honest and this week has been a big struggle as I have had a throat infection and been in so much pain.

I won't lie I love  moan within reason and thing out is good to let out your feelings and can really be helpful when an illness makes you feel like hojhr4not so energetic self.

My throat has made me feel in so much paint6that it has been hard to motivate myself to do a lot and the main thing I struggle with is cooking. I'm not a massive fan of cooking when it something that I have to do so it was a real tester to get my act together and cook. Urgh! Pain!

Now I know this is a Wingy post (I haven't got time to wings anywhere else what with two active tots) so I am going write it here. I'm in bloddy pain and I feel I am haulsknbating about my bed and sleep, oh the thought!

OK back to reality, yes my throat has caused a lot I'd pain and really brought me to tears but also in an perverse sort of way it has slowed me down which is a positive. As my mind is very, very, very, very active and the sort of person to sit down for 5 so though I have had pasin it has also given me time to recharge my batteries. It has also stopped or not focused ass much my OCD thoughts (suffer with odd for years) and it has been bad recently it has helped me reflect and think about sim;me things. Not just that but stopping my casthropic and ritualistic habits gave really helped reduce my anxiety. So, there is pro's and con's with everything and you just got to taskje what you can from thee sitiasdyion.

So there you have it. Enjoy your week X

Autumn

The times are changing,

Everything is moving,

The temperature dips,

Whilst colours evolve.

The craving for home

Is a strong game,

To the shut the door,

Hideaway,

Safe from any danger.

heart ache

My heart aches,

I wish I could stop the anger,

The confusion,

I can handle my own disability,

But now my child has it,

I feel angry at myself,

Giving the guilty genes,

Making him feel anxious,

Knowing soon there will be,

A time when he knows,

Others see him differently

And slowly hate himself.

I'm wide awake.

I'm wide awake now,

Looking back over

What happened.

What is the meaning,

Is there more to this

And how do you accept

The fate that lies.

who am I?

Who am I?

I don't know who I am anymore,

I have lost sight,

Of the person who I once was.

Waiting

The waiting is the hardest,

Not knowing,

No answers,

Just holding on.

I have no control,

I am left stranded,

My future is in their hands.

checking

The constant checking,

to find a formula,

that appears to calculate,

my need for answers,

but instead

End up in a tangled up mess.

my heart aches

My heart aches,

I'm reminded of my failures,

My mind is holding on

To not knowing,

I have lost the will,

My energy is low,

I can't think,

I just feel the ache,

Of not being good enough

Waiting, wanting

Waiting for something,

For all the answers,

That overflow

My tiny mind,

Maybe one day

It will come,

Till then

I will be waiting.

shouty mummy

Hey readers,

Today I lost my cool, I have had enough of bickering, the noise, my  anxiety and just generaal fucking life. I scream becuase I can't cope, I don't know what to say to husband, who trys be the reasoner, who quite frankly pisses me off becuase he is better then I will ever be.

I am useless, all the parent training, all the promises have gone straight out of the windown yet again. I am full of shit.

I can't communicate anything to anyone,

 I just want everyone to shut the fuck up. I mean  honestly who gives a fuck about mega bricks.

I am angry at the kids, at the husband at me for losing a stupid letter. I misplace everything and can't get it together. My life has fallen apart at this moment.

I never get anything right, I make empty promises.

I try to be calm next time.

I try to listen next time.

Instead I am full of wasted air.

I try not to let my anxiety get in the way and do stupid activities that are not ideal or convenient because I  can't be rational. I can't work things out like most people can. I have to do something then and not later. I push, push, push! 

Story.Of.My.Life.

I lose my shit, get angry have a meltdown and escape to my bedroom leaving everything like a world war there zone and my husband can deal with the aftermath of my force.

I am a useless piece of shit that expects too much from everyone. I have no patience, I am too literal and always fuck up! 

I constantly question why I had children, am I fit mother and just dealth everything I do. I find it hard to imagine how breeze through parenthood whereas I feel a total mess at each stage of the journey.

This is me.

Thanks for reading X

where to begin

I don't know where to begin,

I'm just tired,

Keeping my head above,

Is the hardest thing.

waiting

I know the time will come,

until then I wait,

In desperation,

not knowing what to expect,

million thoughts,

lead to one outcome,

still, I am waiting.

My Moment

Is my moment now?

Does all the other stuff matter?

What counts towards my path?

No one can tell me,

The door is open for me

To decide where I walk.

i wonder where

I wonder where I would be,

If I didn't go down that road,

My mind is buzzing,

With all the other options,

But alas I am here,

As it is meant to be.