Tiredness and autism

Hey readers,

Did I ever tell you that I like order? if you have previously read my blog then you will know I am a lover of control.

I am not the spontaneous type. I like planning and knowing what to expect. Which is ironic as my husband is the complete opposite and yes there are heated arguments at times.

 No one wins, I just go to bed and say f*ck it! I have little energy. Unless my autistic brain goes into overdrive when my husband will be treated to a full-on meltdown. joy!

I sometimes see parents and I know we shouldn't compare but I do believe that it is innate from our ancestors as a technique to help stay on top of survival. 

However, in this day and age, it is now used overboard, yes that does includes me too.

I see people have days packed with things to do with the family. 

Someone I know even when to a country park for 5 hours, me I couldn't do it. My autistic brain gets tired with so many stimuli I am exhausted and mentally and physically after an hour or two.

 Hats of to parents who can keep kids entertained but most mornings I can't get my body to move as I am so tired. It doesn't help that I am on medication that makes me very groggy.

I yet again feel rubbish about myself, yep it is a common theme where I batter myself with nasties because in my head I am not enough to be a parent.

I know this is ridiculousness but when you are in the moment and your anxiety is sky high your brain will trick you into believing it. 

It feels real and that takes up a hell of a lot of energy. I spend most of the time cursing and wishing I didn't have autism.

I try to do crafts with the boy, I can barely reach the first instruction without me failing. I am rubbish at instructions and if they are not basic and when I say basic I mean it. It is something about reading and processing the information that gets muddles up in my messy mind. 

Guess what here we go again I beat myself up because I can't do the simplest of things at times. My intentions are good but sometimes I just get fed up with myself that I wonder why do I bother because I love my son and what to do things for him.

So yeah it is another whingeing post but this is my life as an autistic parent (a parent with autism) and the struggles are very real. It may only be small but they soon stack up and it takes its toll on you. 

It can grind you down day in day out faced with challenges and how to overcome the challenges. So, you can understand why I get so worn out, it is hard work trying to navigate through a neurotypical world with autism. 

This is especially true for an adult with autism as people assume you have grown out of autism when you reach adulthood. By the way yes that is a true story and that comment has been said to me before

Cheers for reading X

paranoia and autism

Hey readers, 

Paranoia it seems like a close friend all of these years lurking in the background of murky mind that comes out when I feel scared, threatened or vulnerable.

I suppose you could say it is partially due to past trauma from emotional abuse where I was told every day by the perpetrator that they are watching you and they know everything.

 It left me on tenterhooks, always worried whether I am doing the right thing. This was pretty hard to achieve when you have autism and screw up so often that I may as well give up achieving this the expectation of me when it is never going to be in reach.

This abuse happened a long time and it left a lasting effect on my self-esteem and the way I view people. 

I don’t trust maybe people. Again in my adulthood, I was let down by my best friend with untrue claims that nearly broke my family up. Sadly, her claims were flawed and with time I rebuild my family unit. However, it once again left me feeling vulnerable and a struggle to trust people.

I fear that I am often judged because of my autism, I don’t actually, tell most people about my autism, I still struggle with my disability even after all these years.

 I have been judged so much over my life that it is hard to be open plus I hate my autism, it stops me from being something that I will never achieve.

If you are wondering who knows about my autism well it is more the fact that my husband tells people. 

He thinks people should know but I don’t want people to know, I want to put my barrier up and put myself in a vulnerable situation. However, I know he is right but when I am feeling scared I want to hideaway.

My husband is what would call an advocate about being open and honest telling people about autism.

 He talks to other parents about it and it makes me unhappy, it makes me very paranoia that people are talking about me and it stems back to the original trauma. 

My mind can't deal with it as I am not in control and my thoughts go into overdrive. They are intrusive and when I am having a bad day I am so emotional by the end I don’t even know how I have made it that day. 

The thoughts are so rapid and intense that it leaves me washed out, I am emotionally drained and that is when the paranoia creeps up and attacks my vulnerability. 

I will be honest it scary because it feels so real and I don’t have the confidence in myself to stand up to the intrusive thoughts. As the thoughts feel so real, that they cannot possibly be untrue.

I don’t really know the point of this post, I am going through this episode now and just feels therapeutic to get the words down. It gives me some sort of focus to write that it stops the repetitiveness and gives my mind a much-earned rest from the intense ideas that float about endlessly.

Cheers for reading X

Autism and personal space.

Hey readers, 

You have probably gathered from reading some of my posts on my blog that I am autistic. 

One of the major things, when I think about something that is important to me and on my autistic life is personal space. 

I put a huge emphasis on this because it has a big influence on my mindset and how I respond to day to day life. 

When I refer to space it could mean when people get to close to me which I am not a fan of espeically with people I do not know.

 I only have a few selective people that make me feel comfortable when they come into my space.

 I get very distressed for example when I accidentally touch a stranger on the bus, or someone who sits very close to me who I  do not know. 

It feels like my whole skin is crawling and my body tenses up. I am not a touchy-feely person.

 I don't trust and sometimes there are days when I limit physical contact as I may be feeling not well with my anxiety or I am over stimulated with everything that is currently happening to me in my environment.

I know there is more prominence to autistic individuals who are space invaders but some of us like me are people who are distant when it comes to getting close to people.

When I think MY space I think of one place in my home which belongs to me. I identify this place as safe and somewhere I go to when I am stressed having a meltdown or need a time out from the business of my environment. 

It is important to me because I rely on that safety feeling associated with my safe space and that calms me down when I am anxious. 

Not much of my home belongs purely to me naturally having children a lot of toys and stuff around. 

That is fine I accept that but if my small area gets obstructed or my husband makes a mess of the room this makes me stressed and very angry. 

I struggle to see beyond that moment so feel like the situation when my space gets messed up feels like it will be forever.

Of course, it is not and when I am calm I can think logically. However, when you are anxious and have to deal with change this is a struggle. Not to mention navigating to a new plan to help when you're already in an emotional state it is difficult to see any other solution then my whole world is falling apart.

 I guess this why people who have a lack of knowledge about autism will just see me as having a 'strope' or being a diva. 

It is isn't the materialistic space it is the knowledge that I have my safe space that I can rely on at times of distress that comfort me knowing that it is quiet and somewhere I can trust. 

Along with the physical space I have my sensory items that bring comfort to me such as a heated blanket and lying under a lot of weight to make me feel secure and safe. 

I also can use my noise canelling headphones and soft lighting all help calm me down when I am distressed or dealing with a meltdown or shutdown. 

All the little things add up and once they get taken down I feel broken because they are my  coping mechanisms. They're the things that help me deal with day to day life.

 Likewise, if I have the safety net of my safe place it can help me calm down. It provides a sense of control and reduces me having emotional outbursts because I know that I have a backup plan when things go wrong. It is the small things that make a huge difference. 

Cheers for reading X 

Ongoing minefield of parenting

Hey readers,

Sometimes I lie in my bed at four in the morning and I am just staring at the ceiling and my tummy is filled with dread. My thoughts are filled with fear and I wonder how I am going to get through another day as a parent.

I don't feel confident at all and I am always questioning everything. Sometimes, I get annoyed with my husband, how he could allow me to be a parent when I am totally useless. I am always tired and things seem to take a long time to master. I seem to make the same mistakes over and over again.

I am now sitting in my son's assembly hall waiting and feeling yet again that familiar feeling of being a true outcast or black sheep. This feeling is not new to me, it comes frequently where I feel like I am an outsider looking through the glass where I just can't reach through. It feels so close yet so far away.

There are other times when I get jealous of my husband, he can just get things and communicate really well. I am sitting back permanently struggling and my tummy is in knots with anxiety. 

He does try to understand my neurosis bless him but he is the complete opposite of me. I watch on as he mingles and just gets these social rules that I seem to get muddled and fail all the time. I just get things, or I am just an anxious state of a person. 

That is one good thing about summer holidays even though I am dealing with the change but not having to think. I over-analysis I know but at least it gives me a break where I don't have to feel completely sh*t again. I know I will never be one of them, good parents that I so desperately want to be, I mess up it is a natural talent of mine. I just get so fed up with it all and after takes its time.

 It hurts deep and it so damn frustrating. It is a minefield and just getting through the day is a challenge in its self. The thoughts that trigger me are so strong, they keep me awake and let me every time my downfalls. I just need to a breather, time away and not to think that would be totally blissful.

I remember when I was pregnant dreaming of being this type of parent that would swim into motherhood like flies to poo. Sadly, it hasn't happened, to delusion, I am nothing that I expected. I thought I would be good at communicating because I was living this role as a mother that it would all somehow come to a place.

 That I would have this maternal instinct. The only thing that I am good at it appears to be is hanging up the washing and creating random fun stories for my boy. It is not much, I am never good at small talk but I take it now and I got to learn to accept the situation for what it is.

Cheers for reading X

Autism anxiety with the return of school.

Hey readers,

It is the start of September which means the return of school if you have children, which I do by the way.

So what is this post about your asking? Well, it is about my eldest who is autistic (hasn't got a diagnosis because to get a diagnosis you need an assessment at school but sadly my son masks his behaviour).

Masking refers to an autistic person using coping skills learnt through observation to hide autistic struggles. 

This is learnt behaviour so he will hide his anger, his hitting out and meltdowns until he gets home and releases it all where he feels safe and comfortable to do so. 

This, however, has a cost which means the school doesn't see this behaviour, therefore, means that he can't possibly be autistic because he doesn't show the right characteristics in ONE setting.

Bear that in mind that it is a spectrum and people behaviour different in settings and with different people. Sadly the child that doesn't exhibit the classic characteristics correctly does not get the right support and will carry on struggling.

 It is ridiculous and unfair and let's face it comes down to money which is being cut drastically in this government.

 I do feel frustrated but it is something that is out of my hands and I have no control over.

Right anyway that was tangent (by the way I am autistic and that is a very common trait in autism). Getting back to my main point of this post is that I want to discuss the week and a half leading up to the return of school for my eldest and the struggles that he faces with the change.

School holidays are six weeks at home with less structure which my eldest struggles with so much. I try my best to have a flexible structure. However I myself have been dealing with a flare-up of a kidney disease that I have so that is wiped me and lost a lot of energy being ill in bed.

I am lucky in one sense of having autism that gives me an understanding and empathy with my son because he is basically a mini-me in pretty much in response to anything.

My son in the past two weeks has struggled and not just a little bit but a lot. He finds it extremely hard to deal with emotions and putting his thoughts coherent in a sentence to someone.

He struggles greatly with change which let's face it returning to school is a big change from having no school to six hours at school in a busy and loud environment.

He struggles with the anxiety knowing he is going back though he does have friends and has fun with them there are challenges he has to deal with.

 One being at break time he goes over-stimulated and stressed so much that he has a chair placed in the school playground where he can have a break from the stimuli and has a book to read to give him a chance to switch off and escape.

The hardest aspect of my son's behaviour to deal with is his anger which is just a response to the anxiety. He has big outbursts and even stamped on my sons head. This is worrying and was the first time however he is been very hostile and it is scary as a parent. It is something we are ongoing to try to find alternative strategies but it is something that takes time.

Sleep is a big problem. He finds it hard to switch off and constantly asks questions before bed. He always asks what he can think about. He doesn't normally go straight to sleep but stare at the ceiling thinking things over. The times when he does fall straight asleep when is totally exhausted and burnt out physically that he hasn't the strength to stay away.

He has repetitive behaviour where he asks the same question over and over again or he repeats words. This is an autistic trait where repeating words or phases is comforting for the individual.

My son does non stop talking and hardly stops unless he is fixated and lost in something such as colouring or making something like a den. It is exhausting because it is not the classical conversation with to and from responses. He states facts and lots of questions which is unbelievably exhausting after an hour.

With anxiety, my son does self inflict pain to cope with the emotional side of how he is feeling. He typically scratches his neck, bites his nails, hits his head, picks his skin around his fingernails. This is his way of coping with the unknown, anxiety or something that he is not in control with. It is not ideal as it causes pain but is very common in people with autism as a way of trying to communication and expressing the feelings that they have as communication verbally is something very difficult to master with autism. 

My son ever since a young age has a desire to have something in his mouth to chew or suck on for comfort. When is a baby he would suck his thumb and we spend ages stopping him from doing it.

 At first, we thought this was a baby thing however he has not lost that need to have something to put in the mouth and through observation, it is a result of stress, anxiety or having no control over something. 

He now everyday chews and sucks on his t-shirt. He has a chewie which is a silicone shaped item that he can chew on safely to self-sooth him. However, he takes off the chewie or he forgets to put it on when he gets changed therefore ends up chewing his top. The result of this is that his top is soaked and his chest is getting bad skin. He has to change his top 2-3 sometimes a day when really stressed. 

He finds it hard to focus on anything when he has anxiety. He can't settle and constantly moving. I try and give him things to do to distract him and calm him down. He responds well to using his hands so he could be making jewellery, colouring-in, writing or putting sticker cards in the book as a way to help give him some focus on something then dealing with the anxiety.

Meltdowns during the lead up to the return of school are coming more frequent with my son. He just screams for long periods of time. He really struggles to deal with emotions and change along with the uncertainty of something new occurring. He can't cope and needs to get that anxiety and frustration out somehow and the thing that he does regularly now is what is called a meltdown. 

A meltdown is a response to the overstimulated and emotional situation that he has experienced during the day or over a period of time. It is like you lose control and don't know what to do, you just really want that extremely unpleasant feeling to go out of your body and get back to normal. 

I myself have meltdowns and they are exhausted because they take your energy, frustration, angry at that moment. They are intense and after you have to deal with the guilt of the outburst because you know it upsets you and the other people involved. 

When my son goes through a meltdown he doesn't want to do anything, he refuses everything. It takes a lot of time and energy to bring him back to save place where he is violent and shouting. 

Most of the time I take him to a quiet place (normally my bedroom) and shutout as many stimuli as possible such as closing the curtains, turning on soft lights etc and this has been somewhat helpful to calming him down. He also loves mummy's bedding which is waffle and that is a sensory pleasure he can get to help him to calm down. 

So, yeah a couple of weeks is like a volcano that builds up with time and you know that he will blow. He has does this for the past four years now since he has been in school and responds exactly the same way everytime without fail. 

All you can do as a parent is provide support and space. Making sure you talk to him and give him as much information. He can frustrate me and sometimes I feel helpless. But I still crack on and keep going because as a parent you do your best for your child with what you have.

Cheers for reading X  

Sensory overload and autism.

Hey readers, 

One of the problems I have is I get overloaded and my mind can't cope with all the information it wants to process.

 This is a big struggle for someone like myself on the autistic spectrum. It is very challenging and hard to deal with at times. 

This post was an idea where I wanted to discuss the impact of sensory overload as a person who is autistic. 

However, the ironic thing is I have been thinking about this post for at least three months beforehand because my head has been spinning as a result of overload. 

I had so my many thoughts that I wanted to write down but it is draughting because of how much there was to process.

I struggle to process thoughts especially when they are fast pasting causing me to stress out.

 I feel overloaded with information and one big thing for me when thinking about how autism affects me is the need for control. 

I am massively swayed to think in black and white and if it is not concrete with regards to my thoughts I find it extremely stressful to manage my thoughts. 

When I feel overloaded I feel at times excited but stressed because I want my thoughts in order and it feels messy.

 I have so many thoughts at times and I want to process them but can't because other thoughts appear.

 I like to take my time and look at the details of the information but when I am juggling these thoughts information gets lost because I can't hold all the information. it is nion impossible. It leads back to not being in control. 

Sensory is a big factor and overload doesn't just deal with thoughts though that is one big trigger for me. 

Another scenario that causes me to feel overwhelmed and the need to want to shut down is when I go shopping.

 My body aches after and when I return home and husband knows not to bother me for a while as I am snappy and need time to wind down.

 Before he used to ask questions and it would really cause me to get stressed out. 

It is mentally exhausting being in a busy environment with people walking in all different directions.

 I struggle with fast movement plus people unintentionally touching you causing me to feel nauseous. 

On top of that, there is space and big spaces and small ones make me feel suffocated.

 If I am in a big Asda store say for example there is humming noises above with the extract fans really hurt my ears. 

The music played in the supermarket is loud and words can cause an emotional response. 

Not to forget I have a need to take in all my environment which is tiring as there is so much to see.

 Then the ultimate thing is the cashier small talk where they ask questions and wait for a reply. 

I have learned to script replies beforehand to respond through new questions occur where I am not prepared. 

I stutter and worry afterward whether I said the right thing. 

I am not good at confidently speaking and saying something off the cuff. It does not come naturally to me.

Afterwards dealing with that over sensory experience leaves me drained because it has taken all my energy to get through the struggles. 

I can feel really dizzy and I need to time to lie down to help get my balance back. 

 So, in just one scenario it all adds up to the pivot point where I am having a sensory overload as there too much information to process. 

I need time and that is what is important to allow me to deal with the feelings and thoughts that I have experienced. I then need to work out how to deal with the information and file it away. 

Ways that have helped me deal with sensory overload. 

1. Learn to accept you can't hold on to everything,  the world won't stop turning because I lose some information. If it is that important I will remember otherwise let it go. 

2. Don't watch programmes that cause me to overthink before bed, I need time to slow down my thoughts. 

3. Know that if it gets too much to have a backup plan. Even if it is just to sit down somewhere quiet away from the busyness for five to give me that rest to then go back and continue if needed.

4. If you are going shopping it can help to write a list of the things you need so you can focus on getting them and then get out. 

Therefore, you don't have to think on the spot nor spend loads of time working out what to do when you are anxious. 

Having a concrete plan also gives you that control and you know what you are doing. 

5. Have sensory toys that suit you so can use if you need to stim or get some sensory seeking done. 

6. Make sure you have snacks (I get low blood sugar levels when I am out for a long time). Also, make sure you have plenty of fluids to keep you hydrated and help think more clearly. 

Cheers for reading X 

Maybe

Hey readers,

I have Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of autism (though to me it is not mild and it is present every day in my life).

Though there are so many areas to discuss autism today I am going to focus on one thing that affects me and causes great distress at the moment.

 That is the word 'maybe', which by the way I hate it and I hate it in relation to a response to a question. It is covered in grey and makes me stressed, especially when it is a response to a question which I want a definite answer (which 90% of the time).

You see as an autistic person I like control, I like to know what is happening. I love routine it comforts me. Sometimes I admit I get too rigid that I get struck and obsessive making my health deteriorate.

 One of the reasons is because I like black and white, I don't like the murky waters of the unknown. I never have, I feel it is innate and my body responds instantly. 

I can remember as a young child-hating change and uncertainty. I had carers who seemed unpredictable which is not great if you have an autistic mind like myself you get very confused as to what is happening. 

 I was on edge not knowing how someone would respond. I had night terrors because of the fear. That is just one example.

Maybe I will, maybe I won't? but why can't I have a yes or a no? Often, I didn't care, either way, I was more focused on the answer to be certain. I don't like guessing games, I like certainty.

I don't know really what is the point to the point of this post, I just wanted to get it off my chest because right now I am dealing with maybe which quite frankly is most infuriating.

Cheers for reading X

The struggle is within

Hey readers,

I don't often discuss my parenting issues in relation to my autism, mainly because I am embarrassed and quite frankly ashamed.

I am going to be straight up and honest and say that I struggle with this parenting thing. 

Let's be more specific as I am aware that actually, I am good at some bits. 

Depression would argue but that it is the truth. However, the one area I do struggle with is mainly with my boys and trying to entertain him for long periods. 

I feel guilty if I can't entertain my children but stuck in a dilemma where I can't concentrate on people for long periods of time, it totally exhausted me. 

I am also an introvert so therefore need time alone to store back my energy. I find interacting exhausting as a lot of the time I am thinking beforehand about how to communicate.

 The times when I am not thinking are when I am being impulsive due to anxiety therefore not censoring and not always saying the right. 

Not really rude, just random and repetitive. Kinda overlaps with ADHD/OCD traits I have learned. I don't have ADHD but with Aspergers there many overlapping traits from other conditions that are apparent. I digress (a major trait of mine right there).

I find it hard to entertain as there are many thought processes that occur and that is tiring. 9 times out of 10 after ten minutes of play I am exhausted mentally.

 I need to do nothing and shut down as I have used all my energy up focusing on that one action that takes many different social rules.

I think one area that is really tough for like me as an autistic living in a technological world (though most of the time it is the dream) I do get sucked into the whole idea of perfect parenting with this idea that you have to entertain your children all the time.

I am one of the few or many not many other autistic people have spoken out in actually I do care what people think and I am very aware of me. 

I am not dissing autistic people that don't give a dame, in actual fact, I admire you and wish I was bloody like that, hell it would so liberating. But I have not reached that acceptance of me.

I wish I could just be laid back, but it seems I am a worrier and feel that because I am an autistic parent I need to make up for my inadequacies.

Cheers for reading X

Introverted parents

Hey readers,

Sometimes I worry that I am not good enough parent simply because I am an introvert. 

I accept I am an introvert and there are some really good qualities that come with that type of personality.

When I look back as a child I saw people judge me because I didn't always have a voice or couldn't find the words to say what I needed to say. I believe that this was a mix of my personality and having autism.

 Communication is not my strongest point. However, I remember feeling bad because it kept getting mentioned. You see some points in my childhood I lived in the care system and there really was a lot of loud children that wanted to be heard.

 I was judged because I was not the status quo and then it made me question am I good enough?! I used to think that because I was quiet and philosophical in the sense I liked to reflect and ponder over things. 

People notice loud people, that is fine it takes all sorts to make the world go round. The problem is at such a young age I interpreted the messages that I was not good enough. Being quiet wasn't good, I wouldn't get anywhere in life because I couldn't form friendships. 

To me communication meant opportunity. I still believe that to some extent. Nonetheless, I have come to accept who I am and that world needs both quiet and loud as they both in their own right carry brilliant attributes.

Sadly, there is also a downside, like everything I guess. Sadly, you can't change who you are, I love quiet time and crave time alone where I can just be left alone to think. When I have time alone it gives me the opportunity to not have to think about the socialising which coincidently my husband thrives off it.

I am lucky in the sense I have a supportive husband that understands my needs and that yes it is selfish but selfish can be good, especially when it keeps the family home life calm.

I find social interaction exhausting with my children at times. I am not saying I hate my children most of the time I enjoy it and find it really fun and amusing. However, it can be really mentally draining for me. 

I suppose it doesn't help that I am autistic as well so uses up a lot more energy trying to read the social situation. I feel like I am constantly trying to work out how to respond correctly. Not to mention my eldest is also autistic and has his own needs on top of everything else.

I think it takes a lot more energy for introverted parents like myself as I spend more time processing emotional stuff and probably overthinking things a bit too much too. 

This can be good but also can be exhausted as it takes it out of you, let's face it generally parenting is hard work so there is not much energy left for much more.

One good aspect of being an introverted parent is the fact that it can be a positive role model in the sense that shows that it is ok to have quiet time and do your own thing. 

It can also teach children that not every moment someone wants noise and that sometimes people need space.

Cheers for reading X

Anxiety

Hey readers,

As a long-term sufferer from anxiety, I have learned a lot on the way from experiencing anxiety. For one thing, anxiety is the pits!

 At times when feeling anxious, it feels very real especially when your heart is pounding so hard you feel that it may feel out of your body.

Over the years anxiety scared me ironically. I wanted to run away and try to hide from it but if you have ever suffered from anxiety then it will find you and you will be sure made aware of it. If anything running away from the anxiety actually makes it worse in my opinion and the experience I have had of anxiety.

Over the years I have come to one conclusion with anxiety is to accept it for what it is. Ok, it is a regular visitor but it is definitely not a friend because it is not very nice. But accepting it and feeling the feelings is ok, it doesn't make me a failure, which I believed for a very long time.

Accepting the anxiety and knowing that the anxious thoughts are not always true and sometimes my behaviour is just learned from all the years of fear. It is a warped way of protecting myself. 

Now I embrace it, I allow it to come. If I have a panic attack or breakdown in tears I let it come. It is ok and actually, it is so much more manageable than before. 

This mindset has helped. Likewise, with feelings of failure, I know that anxiety is something that may be with me all my life but it doesn't mean I am weak or I give in. I accept it and work with it the best I can at that time.

You have to ride with the anxiety like the waves of the sea. Sometimes I experience anxiety and it can be only a day where I am cribbled with intense dread. 

Other times I go through periods of total exhaustion, tearfulness, panic attacks etc. That is ok. It is ok not to be ok. It is ok not to be superhuman and it is ok to have anxiety. It doesn't make me less of a person. I am not anxiety, anxiety is part of me but there are many more layers to me.

I am still learning about my mental health, it is not easy especially when you are vulnerable and prone to the negativity it can catch you out, anxiety is a bugger like that. 

 But I am with wisdom moving on with anxiety, if it is there it is there but I am not going to run away from it or be scared of it anymore. I think this is one of the most valuable lessons that I have learned in life. I am not superhuman but I can feel and appreciate the feelings. 

They belong to me and I can respond to them anyway I chose. It is my life and the anxiety does not control me, I am the controller of anxiety.

Cheers for reading X