Friday, 28 February 2020

Masking it at a cost.

Hey readers,

 I have had a visitor come round. Every time this happens I feel completely and utterly exhausted. 

I literally can not do anything for the next few hours as it has taken me all my power to deal with the social situation.

 It is not the person, it is just the way that I am programmed with my autistic brain. I just really struggle with long periods of socialising. 

I feel awful for saying this like I am totally anti-social and I am not but I need my time out as well.  
It doesn't help that I also have to parent as well as having to deal with the social situation. I have my children with me and to be quite frank they are not the calm and placid type. 

They go absolutely go bat shit crazy when a visit comes round and trying to calm down is an absolute nightmare when they are this age. 

Therefore, for me it is just so tiring trying to keep both children calm and then deal with the stuff that is happening in my head is a lot of work for me.

 By the end of the social situation, I want to scream and when the person leaves I feel like my whole body just collapses and de-intensifies (if there is such a word).

 I just feel really angry right now, I think it is a direct response from all the frustration and having to pretend all the hours to appear a certain way. 

Yeah, I could be myself but no one wants to see me wild, believe me, and you. Acting is hard for an autistic person because nine times out of ten the individual is already anxious, but then they have to work that much harder to manage the situation.

 What you see is that us autistic people have to learn the art of remembering social equities as we are not naturally social people. 

So, therefore days like today are basically are a mental workout for me and I can guarantee the following day I will have the consequences where I can hardly do anything, other than rest. 

 Cheers for reading X


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