Cycles

Hey readers,

I am writing this whilst I go through a hyper-focus period. I can't sleep, my mind is so wired. Instead, I am writing this post whilst listening to old David Bowie interviews - just off the record such a good interviewee and has really interesting thoughts.

Anyhow, I feel like I go through periods in my life where I experience different types of emotions and states of minds. I guess we all do but for me and my autism, it feels stronger and less diluted in the intensity.

When I get to the start of by an obsession of me and it causes me to be I go in lockdown and want to know everything there is regarding that obsession I have. The types of obsession I experience is fact-based such as a person like David Bowie or the Victorian era is my current recent one. I fixate on a person more the mechanisms of the history of their legacy as it were. I watch and read loads until I get something else stuck in my head to obsess. However, this period is short lived until I have exhausted myself out of all the information possible that I can find or I get bored and move onto another obsession. I also notice when I start my obsession I tend to have a lot of uncertainties around me, it feels like comfort and something to focus on that is solid rather the very uncertainties of my life.

However, there comes a point where I lose sleep because I have too much energy that I basically need to burn off in order to get back the equilibrium in mind settings. Which again is very common for someone with autism I have found when reading about other peoples experiences on the topic of obsessions and autism.

After I have allowed myself to be recuperated I get a send of under-stimulation - which personally is worse than over stumbled because I feel more alive when I am wired then bored and need something to focus on.

This pattern repeats itself unless I am depressed or suicidal (don't worry this has happened a handful of times) I tend to be more of a moper and feel sorry for myself. It takes a lot of energy to keep on top of my emotional health. 

The energy supply can only last so long. It is something I have to keep on check or else I get burnt out or have a meltdown, the latter is worse because it is emotionally drained. At least with a shut down I literally do that and not use any energy to do anything else but hide away for a while in my room until I have the energy to get back up and carry on again. 

So, that is where I am at. I get frustrated at times because I see people who are bobbing along Inn the middle.i just feel I am fighting between two extremes. I guess that is just the way that my brain is wired with the either all or nothing. I just got to ride it out.

Cheers for reading X