A letter to guilt.

Hey guilt,

We don't need introductions we already know each other fairly well, as you are always there permanent 24/7 hiding in the background waiting to pounce.

I am just writing this letter to let you know that I seriously mother f****** hate you. you know this, you know when am weak and you can manipulate me. You think I will listen but I will put up a fight. 

There are days when there are constant internal squabbles between me and you. It is tiring and no one comes out.winning in this war. But I still put up a fight most days, while you hoover in the background.

I try to be a good mother,  I really do. I don't get it always right but please stop with the pestering, knocking at my door every corner of the way through motherhood. 

No one provides a manual with this parenting malarkey so how am I supposed to know. Sometimes I am so scared that I don't know what to do. 

All you can do is hope for the best. I am constantly learning through trial and error. Sometimes I win, other times I fail dramatically so.

I know you love the control over my weak mind, especially when I'm not certain but I'm sick of this battle between you and me. I have had enough of this constant battering me down with your mental torture.

You take advantage of all the information available, whether that be online, TV or whatever to make a stronger argument and bring me down. I am sick of this punishment! 

You dampen my mood and make me feel miserable. I shouldn't have to feel like this. I have a right to be happy just like anyone else.

Ok, I lose my shit from time to time and shout mum makes an appearance. I let the kids watch TV, sometimes I look at my phone a little bit too much but give me a goddamn break it is hard work.

I know people are going to criticise me for making the comment but parenting is a full-time job but no-one recognises what you do. Apart from your guilt, you are there waiting at every opportunity to put me down and make me feel like I'm the worst parent in the whole entire world.

Sometimes you mess with my brain so much that I lie awake in the early hours of the morning reflecting and where it all went wrong.

Right now I don't care anymore and no I'm not 100% perfect but I'll give it a good try. We all have to learn from my mistakes or how else do I grow as a parent.

I work my ass off, I try to do all the things that you should do as a parent I feed them a clear of them I love them but now and again I make mistakes I am only human after all.
so on a final note to your guilt, I want to say f*** you.

yours,

A tired mother dealing with this guilt trip!

Messy play, ugh!

Hey readers,

SO the other day I thought I know what would be fun and creative on Sunday morning, pre-9am getting the paints out to some messy play. I know what you are thinking already.

I am absolutely insane because it appears that I have some sort of long term memory with forgetting all about the crappy attempts last time and all the stress it caused.

But as per usual 'mummy expectations' put on me through reading too many ideologies through social media, this sodding technological world we live in. 

I respect the fact that no one ever put a gun against my head, it is just having low self-confidence in anything and parenting I worry about everything. 

I do I am not going lie, I don't need pity it just a fact of life.

But just remind me any time I think it is a good idea to go solo with a three year with paints, just step away. 

Seriously, I appreciate art but I don't really rate a Pollock style rug, nor walls, nor table, nor sofa, nor bath, basically any fucking where the child decides to put the paint.

I am nervous wreck anyway because I am lucky enough to have a disposition to anxiety type A  personality shall we say.

Why, is it so important to paint, it consists of the child painting a grand total of five minutes whilst muggings here spends a good old forty minutes to clean up. 

I spend more time doing the work then the actual child, surely that is not right.

I will be honest I am not very good with the mess, and disorder with no logic to it. 

I REALLY, REALLY should leave this type of activity to the professional's AKA school. He has a good three hours, five times a week to lose his shit with the paint then all I need to do is bath him in the brown mess every single day and constantly add to the pile of washing.  

I am down with that, they can guide him to be an outstanding artist, teachers are trained and expert in this field, hence why they have so many teacher training days to deal with such skills.

So, the moral of the story is don't ever let your child loose with paint until they are at an age where they can clean up after themselves. I shall just embrace painting app on the table and leave the important stuff to the professionals!

What do you think about messy play? Is a dream or is it hell for you? Love to hear your thoughts in the comment section down below. 

Cheers for reading X

My Sunday photo 13/09/2020

Stuck in Roblox world 😂! 

Ways to improve your mental health.

Hey readers,

I suffer from anxiety/depression and sometimes it is hard to get on with life when you are sucked into the vicious cycle of self-hatred. 

Sometimes doing the smallest of things to make life nicer for yourself can make a huge difference. Here are some ways that I will discuss in this post that has helped me.

First one is being kind to yourself, easier said than done but sometimes we can be our own worst critic. We beat ourselves up and if anyone in the same situation came to us I bet we wouldn't speak to them the way we speak to ourselves.

 Be kinder and accept that some things are out of control. We are doing the best or doing what we can in that situation.

I have noticed that life particularly as a parent can feel like a wheel that constantly goes around and around, doing the same thing in and out each day without any change. 

Sometimes, change is good and what better way to do it then breaking the monotony up of your day. It could be something simple like going for a walk to a coffee shop, can make a huge difference to your day because it is a change of scenery.

Another way to make you feel better about yourself is by doing some volunteer, as you get the sense that you are valued for your time and services. 

Not to mention the feeling that you as a person are giving something valuable like your time for the better goodwill bring a feel-good factor. It could potentially help build your self-confidence in making you more worthwhile doing something positive and taking action.

A really productive way to help with your mental health is when you can ask for help and don't feel ashamed as no man is an island. I have always found this one different myself as I have been brought to not ask for help but now and again I do ask and you no what it makes a massive difference. 

You also shouldn't feel ashamed but proud of doing something that can make your situation better. Your not weak because of asking but strong for recognising that you need help, no one can do it all by themselves.

Sometimes, we can get caught up in our thoughts and just sit there ruminating on them causing us to be in a worse mood. I find that taking time out for yourself and doing something that you enjoy is really beneficial. 

It doesn't have to be something grand it could be just going for a walk, taking photos or even colouring but it has the benefits of helping you relax and distract yourself away from the negative thoughts.

This is so cliche but I am going to throw it in as I read a lot recently that blogging is really positive for your mental wellbeing.

 Firstly, you have a platform to write your feelings which can bring real cathartic. 

Secondly, your helping others who may be similar situations feel less alone and you never you may make friends.

Cheers for reading X

What does depression look like.

Hey readers,

Below is a picture of myself taken today.

You could say I just look a normal everyday person minus her eyes being shut. You don't think oh my God she looks like she has depression because you know what I do.

People always assume that if you are smiley or cheery then somehow you can not possibly experience depression.

 Well, news flash you can and furthermore, it can strike at any age, background or social mobility status because depression doesn't pick who it wants to cause this nightmare mess inside your brain.

Anyone can experience it, at any time in their life. It can last weeks or years and definitely something that you can not physically measure, much to the disapproval of the government.

My point being is that some days I laugh, I cry, I hate and dread and all the other messy emotions that life has to bring. But also I have this mental battle, some days are OK and I manage. 

Other periods are short spells and then if there is too much stress in my life then can be several months where the black dog doesn't sod off. 

He creeps around like a stalker catching me every time I am venerable or exposed to stresses in life. It sucks and there is nothing I can do but plot on. 

For me, it is a chemical imbalance mixed with stress and managing with my autism. It sucks and yes I smile but please be aware that I can mask like the rest of them.

We need to stop presuming that depression only affects certain people and that it is more grey than black with how it is presenting to the outside world. 

So just be mindful that there may be someone smiling but deep down they are internally dying and hating everything that their life is.

what is your experience of depression? Does this resonate with you? Love to hear your thoughts in the comment section down below.

Cheers for reading X

Preventing burnout

Hey readers,

It is the end of the week, yet again I am pooped, my body is aching and I feel like I can do the bare minimum. I can only come to the conclusion that I am suffering from burnout. 

As an autistic person, I don't have as much energy as a neurotypical person because It takes a lot more energy to deal with the difficulties that I to face throughout the day. 

So, I am have been searching recently on ways to try and help ease the burnout and thought maybe others would like to hear on what has worked for me.

Make sure that during the day I have time out, where I don't have to think but just be. This is not a time where I learn anything or have to remember certain cues, it's a time to allow my brain to switch off and relax.

Being kind to myself - so easy to say but putting it into to practice is hard, especially if you are a perfectionist and give yourself a hard time. Looking at the small positive things that you have done during the day is a reminder that you’re doing ok.

Accepting that I cannot be superhuman and my energy is limited. The major thing that I struggle to do is ask for help or accept that it is ok for another person to do something, it does not mean you are a failure.

Being realistic with what you can achieve and focusing on sectioning out the important stuff and not so important. Learning the art of negotiating and leaving somethings for another time helps me make the day not so overwhelming.

Having a list and writing them in order of importance, plus giving those time frames helps me feel less overwhelmed and feel more comfortable about how my day is going to pan out.

What ways help you in dealing with burnout? Love to hear what you think in the comment section down below.

Cheers for reading X

10 things I can not live without

Hey readers,

Today I am going about the things that I can not live without and help me keep my sh*t together.

1. Paracetamol.

Firstly, paracetamol because I suffer from frequent headaches (thanks mum) and they can be really crippling which is most inconvenient especially looking after children.

2. Heated blanket.

A heated blanket is the best invention ever, especially during the colder periods. Honestly, there is nothing better than getting into a  warm, cosy and snug bed.

3. Music.

Music can make you feel less alone. I mean I don't get lonely in the traditional sense but to feel words and know someone else is also out in the world and feels the way you do can make you feel less isolated. Alternatively, I just love a good beat to wiggle around in the kitchen cooking tea.

4. My blog.

My blog as it has saved me when I went through a depressing period and heartache. It saved my sanity and it really helped me to focus and forget about the other noise in my head.

5. Youtube.

YouTube I love you so much, albeit not as much nowadays (sodding adverts) but sill amazing the stuff you can find and a great way to cure boredom.

6. Lip balm.

Lip balm - particularly during the colder months, my lips get so dry and peel. I find Boots one really good as it also has tinted moisture to it.

7. Tea.

Tea makes my heart go boom, boom, boom. I can literally drink buckets of the stuff and it makes any problem manage with a cup of Rosie Lee in my hand.

8. Books.

Books are my saviour and help me escape. Nothing beats a good thriller to lose yourself in.

9. Pad and book. 

Pad and pen because I have so many ideas swirling in my head that I get so overwhelmed. Therefore,  writing down the ideas on paper helps me think clearer and identify with where I need to go and what I am doing.

10. Phone. 

Phone - I know third world problems but it is a lifesaver and such a useful tool. You can play music, send emails even write blog posts when you bored at the bus stop in the cold. I heart technology and no I am not ashamed about it but celebrate it :)

What items can not live without in your life? Love to hear your thoughts in the comment below. 

Cheers for reading X