Ftmob - January 2017

Hey readers,
Whilst drawing in a book for pen control with my eldest son, he commented saying that this the bird and (the line) is a wee line as he is a male and has a willy.

Early this week in the car the eldest wanting to discuss, "what is love?" which we had to explain the different types of love and what it felt like when you love something or someone.
My eldest was super tired the other day and really upset. "I want to be a woman and have a baby". He was absolutely gutted that he can't have a baby. We also explained that you don't just need a woman to have a baby but also need a man to fertilise the egg.
My youngest over the past month speech/vocabulary has come on leaps and bounds. When it was just me and him shopping he said, "I miss daddy and my older brother", so cute.
My eldest made me laugh, "I wish Christmas was every day". Hubby said, "well emm Christmas can't be every day as it will be very boring and nothing special. Not to mention cost a fortune". My son responded, "Ok daddy, then let's just have it two or three days a week".
Cheers for reading X

Food

​Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

FOOD

Because it has been full of festivity and full of feasts. I have indulgenced in chocolate, cake, sweets and rich food. It has been lovely to let go and just relax the best I can.  

The boys loved having the special treat of having chocolate for breakfast on Christmas day if you can't do it at Christmas when can you do it.

The boys have loved playing with their new toys and we have piles of toys and having them everywhere. I will be honest I am not very good at things not in order but trying to let it pass as it is Christmas. 

So basically Christmas is all about disruption and letting the routines go out of the Weekend. But it has been nice to catch something decent on the telly for once. Loving outnumbered. Though, slightly weird seeing the children all grown up.

Happy new year to you all.

Cheers for reading X 

Christmas

Hey readers,

Obviously, my word of the week is:

I can't believe it is only two more sleeps until the big day. This week we have rung Santa on the old tablet, visited Santa and went on a sleigh ride and decorated some cards to get the boys in the festive mood.

It also is half term and it has been mental, toys everywhere and a lot of, 'play nicely' or 'gently' or simple, 'mummmmmmmmy'. But it has been lovely to watch the boys play together most of the time nicely and on their own a large amount of time in their bedroom. 

I suspect that they are probably planning on taking over the world.

I have finally done all the sodding Christmas wrapping, what a pain in the arse it is. Maybe because I feel like I need to get it or want it all sorted so I can relax because nothing I hate worse is rushing around like a headless chicken.

I just want to wish you a very merry Christmas, whatever happens, I hope it is not too manic but enjoyable too.

Cheers for reading X

Why, why, why?

Hey readers,

I am sitting here by myself because it is half-term and my eldest has been a terror to put it politely. Sometimes I end of the day feeling so frustrated that I just wished to be let free in a room full of China. 

I am not sure how I am going to cope through the two weeks without the break, I am sure we get through it but at the beginning of the holiday, I dread it.

Why is it I try my best to do something with the sprog and then all he does is pushes mine and hubby's buttons. It fucks me off, I try and it results in fights and mayhem. 

He encourages the youngest to throw pens and then the youngest get boisterous and rips the paper.

 Then pulls of as many Christmas decorations as possible from the Christmas tree on purpose and the eldest thinks the most hilarious thing to do is pull his trousers and pants down, he is laughing his head off and no one is laughing, fml!

Today just feels like my eldest is in a destructive mood and will go out of his way to be a pain in the arse. No matter how much time I give him or get things to do, he is having none of it.

 I don't know whether he is not getting warn out like the days he is at school where he can get overstimulated. Almost like an uneven balance of stimulation.

 Right now I am so pissed off with it all. I am pissed off with myself for getting so emotional about such stuff. 

I know it is a cliche but you do the worst thing and compare yourself to all the perfect parents on the internet. Why can't my children be so chilled like other people's children without turning it into a scene and making me feel totally deflated and a crap parent?

I am sat here writing this close to tears with rage. I have come on adult time out if you will because if I don't then I will literally blow my top off. 

Seriously, today I am just struggling with parenting and knowing where to reach that balance. It doesn't matter how many threats or putting on time out, my son is in that 'mood' where he is just not playing ball.

This may make me sound an awful parent but that the thoughts that cross my mind are why do I bother with all this stress when I may be as well not bother. 

It could so simpler for me to not care, not to be engaging and just stick the TV on 24/7 and be done with it.  At least I wouldn't have to deal with the challenging behaviour.

All I can say is some days being a parent is shit, I know awful but true. I am not perfect and sometimes dread it and can't wake till the end of the day when I have break and my brain gets given a chance to think about anything.

Cheers for reading X

FTMOB - December

Hey readers,

My youngest is obsessed with pumpkins and every time he sees something that is orange and round it is a "pumpkin", especially when he sees the lights on top of the zebra crossing.

My eldest has been to our local cathedral in our city for a trip with the school. So many questions about Jesus and bombing. He asked his daddy, "why did Jesus get bombed?!"

My youngest always comments about his brother by state, "he is my big brother". Super cute.

My youngest sees bees and calls them, "bzzzzzz, bzzzzzz".

Anything that my ds1 sees that needs mending or painting or whatever he says, "daddy can fix that, he can mend anything, he has strong muscles, super big muscles".

Cheers for reading X

Festive

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

FESTIVE

Because it is all about finishing of all the presents to get ready without the children around. On Friday both boys will break up for the Christmas period and it is amazing how extra long it takes to do anything with a kid in tow. So, I am making the most of my childfree time.

In other news, we finally got out lovely glittery Christmas tree up that covers everything in glitter, joy! 

To help me get Christmassy I listened to a bit of Frank Sinatra Christmas songs whilst decorating the tree. I am so glad I didn't buy any more cards, as when the box of Christmas stuff came down I forgot all the purchases during January sales I got, all I say I love a good bargain!

On Tuesday hubby, ds2 and I got to see my eldest perform as a snowman in his Christmas performance at school. Was so lovely to see him dance and sing. He looked adorable in his snowman suit.

Cheers for reading X

Hibernating

Hey readers,

 

My word of the week is:

Hibernating

This is because I am just so tired this week due to the weather being meh and sucking all my energy out. It's so dark and grey that I just can't muster the motivation to get a single thing done. If it weren't for the responsibilities of having children I would spend my time drinking copious amounts of tea and reading the kindle in bed. One can dream though hey, but in reality I am mere a bouncing trampoline for my sons!

On a more positive note I have finally worked out how to use the reward chart properly for the boys albeit with help form a professional. Now it is a lot more cleared to understand and better to manage. I definately have seen an improvement in the boys behaviour since we have introduced the reward chart.  More so in my eldest but that is understandable as my youngest is not fully aware what the heck is happening other then shinny stickers!  Luckily however my youngest likes to copy my eldest so he is pretty much well behaved in the grand scheme of things.

Now on to more pressing matters in my household: POTTY TRAINING!!!

We have started to do some potty training in a relaxed way so that my youngest gets used it the whole idea. He is now aware when he needs a wee and loves washing his hands. That is his favourite thing to do at nursery, haha! He also promptly tells me when he has done a poo, announcing ewwwww and then points to his bottom!

He did his first poo in his potty this week which we all celebrated and danced to. I never thought that I would ever get so excited about poo. My youngest does love to explore his potty. I am very proud of him as he is so good and helpful which  makes the job a lot easier to tackle.

 

Cheers for reading X

fool

I'm stood like a fool,

the outcast that I am,

no one knows

the mask I hold.

forever trying to be

something I am not.

I never will reach,

I am just not good,

I wish was

then maybe life

would be much better.

instead I am stuck,

with my brain fu*ked.

Singing

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

This is because my eldest has been practising all his new songs and singing every night. He has a Christmas performance next week and is really authentic about it. 

He is super excited to be performing so I have to spend a lot of my evenings hearing him singing away at a very high pitch ;)

In other news, we got our tree up and that was fun decorating it with the boys. Although, shhh, me and hubby later in the evening re-arranged the decorations or else it would look somewhat uneven. Which is fine but at top looks so bare, haha!

I have also nearly done all the Christmas present shopping, whoop. We need to get the main present which is a doll's house from Asda. Which I am super excited as hubby finally caved in and we are going to be getting it. It is massive but luckily we have found a suitable for it to live.

Cheers for reading X

FTMOB - November

Hey readers,

My five year old son never stops rabbiting. Seriously, I mean am not an outgoing and suffer with social anxiety. His dad is friendly and can talk to random people. My son however is on another level. 

He is non-stop chat from the moment he wakes till he hits his head on the pillow. He get's very exhausted and just don't know how he hasn't suffered from jaw ache yet! 

Anyone lets get cracking on some conversations shall we:

I live on sixteen floor tower block and my ds1 said to me today, "mummy, we live in a really tall tower block today". 

I can't really capture it through words but just the relavation and astonishment really cracked me up.

Yesterday we went out to a local cafe for some lunch and my youngest has been poorly from a sickness bug. It has resulted in him losing his appetite and suffering from constipation. 

Which is very usual for him as a regular poo deliver. Daddy earlier said to my ds1 we needed to get some orange juice to help make his brother feel better. So when my ds1 was choosing a drink he said, "I gave him orange juice because I know he is not well and it would help me feel better". 

Seriously my son can really push my buttons and we do clash as we are so alike.  However, ds1 is so caring and thoughtful it really does melt your heart.

Close by near our home there is a single tree with a box around it  but it has gaps where the kids walk into it. My eldest loves calling it 'jail'.

On the bus today I and my eldest were discussing Father Christmas. This is how the conversation unravelled so funny and logical really. Him - "Father Christmas on Christmas Eve travels all AROUND the world to deliver presents to EVERYONE. When he has finished he is so tired that he needs to rest all day". 

Honestly, I pissed myself laughing, it was such a brilliant thought.

Finally, my youngest earlier was playing with our cat with the cat teaser stick. He was bending round to see him and calling him,'Monty, Monty'. Which I think is just adorable.

Cheers for reading X

Wet

Hey readers,

My word of the week is :

WET

This is because this weather we have been experiencing recently has been wet and dame right miserable.

I hate leaving the house when it is bitterly cold but still I have to do the school run, boo. I  look like a drowned rat, I am so cold after getting drenched in the wet.

It has dampened my mood, I feel a bit meh, maybe because it a time of the month to boot.

Right now, I have no motivation, other than to snuggle down in a blanket and close all the blinds and forget about the world.

One thing I do love when it is so grim outside is comfort food. We have a pork joint and I am overly excited about that being cooked in the oven. I can't wait to have gravy and mash. 

To me, that is the ultimate in-home comforts. Well, and fluffy socks is the second winner.

Cheers for reading X

Unknown Territory

Hey readers,

One of the big issues with my Autism is anxiety particularly when I go to a new place. So I shall tell you about such an incident so you can get a feel want it is like for me personally.

I took my boys to the zoo this week and as much as I love the outdoors/wildlife the new situation caused me to feel very anxious.

When we went to the zoo it was half term so it was super busy. Also, I had not been out as a family for a while to somewhere new therefore contributing to making me feel even more anxious.

I get overwhelmed with being in new places because I have to take in all my environment.

I feel powerless as I don't know what to expect as it is a new place.

The zoo that day was very loud and busy causing me to get stressed very quickly especially when I have also got to look after my boys.

Another factor causing me to feel anxious was getting caught up in a crowded area. This can make me feel very claustrophobic causing me to feel like running away and hiding.

The noise levels cause my ears to ring.

I can only cope with so many people touching me. Not in a perverse way you must understand but just the sensation of other people touching my skin by brushing past. It makes my skin crawl and itchy.

Having to deal with my son screaming with tantrums and dealing with paranoia due to not having the skills to read facial expressions correctly. Because I have low self-confidence I feel very negative and worry about what others are thinking of me when they stare at me.

Having to deal with negotiating and calming my son down when I am anxious is something I have to work really hard at. It is very draining for me when I am out that it affects me the next day and I feel dead to the world.

Getting lost and disorientated not knowing where I am in the zoo does not help and makes me panicky.

I find not knowing when the event will end is a struggle for me because it being ambiguous and not having a plan heightens my anxiety.

In the beginning, I enjoyed the animals however I did have a mild meltdown due to the overwhelming. This is a result of all the factors I explained previously adding up and turning into a high anxiety situation. So much so that I could not communicate clearly and needed to leave due to a lack of skills to cope with the situation.

However, when I did calm down and my husband discussed what we could have done to make the situation better.

1) Take diazepam.

2) come back during a weekday and not in half term when it is busy.

3) should have got a map to work out where we are going.

4 Planning more structure with getting a plan online and working out where we are going and incorporating lunch.

5) Include a coffee break so we can have a drink and refresh.

If anyone has any other suggestions please feel to share as we are returning in a couple weeks again as we have a free return ticket.

Cheers for reading X

 

Battle

I am so tired,

Can someone take it away,

I don't feel like fighting,

This battle inside.

Light

Hey readers,

 

My word of the week is:

 

 Light

 

This is because I have had a hell of a year emotionally especially impacting on my family big time. I learnt to move on and let things go. I have been judged, tested and challenged but all in all I am still hear. I have made progress with moving forward. I have found hope and my days are starting to look bright. I an now starting to look forward to the future. I still have depression I won't lie but I an getting to grips with managing it. There will still be shit days, but I take things day by day.
I still will have meltdowns but I can control my life a lot better. I didn't know how this year would end but slowly as a family we are moving into a much happier place. I feel I have had a really interesting and reflective week hence devaluation of year. However, talking about the past and has made me feel positive, motivated and determined to be a better person and a mother. Most of all though I feel that I can now finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Cheers for reading X

Fireworks

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

FIREWORKS

No surprises why, but it was lovely this year to watch the fireworks with the family.  I live on the 16th floor so can stay at home and watch it all from my balcony.  

Last year, there was hardly any for some strange reason. But this year it seemed quite spectacular. It was particularly good now that my youngest is a little bit older to appreciate them.

Both my boys loved the way the fireworks lit up in the sky with all the different colours.  We also had hot dogs and it has turned into a bit of tradition here so it was a great way to end the evening. 

I am so glad that we can see them at our home because how cold was it on Saturday night, blimey the heating was working overtime that night. I have to really motivate myself to leave the home as I much prefer to be at home all warm and snugly.

Cheers for reading X

Social anxiety kicks in!

Hey readers,

Today I attempted to a volunteer place but totally failed at it and now I feel like a fool. 

It was an admin role but it was in an open arena with different people at different desks etc. and I just felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable paranoid and anxious. 

I was so anxious that I had a panic attack. I felt so claustrophobic in that room. Like a fish in a glass bowl and everyone was staring at me. It is the most horrendous and intense feeling ever. 

I just could not handle it mentally. I don't do small talk and the things I think about talking about are not appropriate. I think it is anxiety that does that. 

I just could not handle it and just went into flight or fight response. I forgot how bad my social anxiety can be, I have not been in this type of social situation for a long time.

I hate myself and now I am beating myself up about it. I know when I have cooled down and talked sense to myself I will see it from a different perspective but right now, at this moment, I am really down and emotional.

I feel that my response and lack of ability make me a bad person, incapable and a failure. For a brief second, I was tempted to jump in front of a train. Don't worry I won't but I want to be frank and real. This is real life going through the motions. You have a warped view of yourself and what you ' believe' others think. 

I feel I am less of a person because I can’t do this role because I view success on whether I have a job or not and feel that what society views as a good person or parent. This message feels even more present currently through the media when we are heading towards the general elections. 

I feel I have let myself down and my children. Why can't I accept that I am autistic and some things are hard? I would never, ever expect a person who is confined in a wheelchair to just get up and walk.  That does not stop me from being so hard on myself because the stigma is still prevalent and I don’t in normal life discuss really autism because to be perfectly honest I am embarrassed and ashamed. I feel guilty and let down.

 I know you’re going to say I shouldn’t feel like this but I do and I have experienced people judging me so it is hard to change. Though on a positive note it is something I am working on, it takes time especially when it damages you so emotionally. The treatment is still discriminator out there, people see mental illness or invisibility as a negative and something that makes you less of a person.

I think I am also scared with regards to autism as it was reported in the news that NHS are diagnosis fewer children with less severe autism. What next I feel like autism is misunderstood and I am scared for myself and others about what the fortune holds. 

Cheers for reading X

 

 

Running

​Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

RUNNING

Because for the last four weeks I have been running. I have decided to run as a form of exercise. I downloaded the c25k app and it is the best thing I have ever done!

I love running outside in the fresh air, it is free and good to clear your head. I like the fact I am getting fitter and building stamina. I definitely can say I have caught the running bug. If I can do it then anyone can do, lol!

In other news, it is the week the boys return to school and nursery. I love having them at home but by God, it is lovely to have some 'me time' and peace to think for a bit. 

Talking of school, it means the return of so many letters. I have had FIVE letters in the space of four days, seriously why can't we just let kids play like the happy people of Denmark do, tsk! Rant over!

Cheers for reading X 

Wales

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

WALES

Because we have had a lovely few days in Wales seeing the inlaws and making memories away with the kiddos!

We went to the beach, walked around woodlands and saw some waterfalls. Not to mention fish and chips and ice-cream because otherwise, it wouldn't be a holiday 😂 !

I so needed a break though and it has been so refreshing to get away and step back from normal life.

Though tomorrow normal service will resume with doing a ton of washing/drying/putting away. standard mum life really but at least I get to catch up on my programmes and chill in my home again.

Cheers for reading X

Ftmob - October

Hey readers,

Hubby shared a chat he had with my eldest early, "I wish mummy didn't have autism. Can't Dr's give her medication to make it go away". How to feel shit in fice seconds. It breaks my heart that I am now getting noticed by my son with being different, I suppose this is the start of things to come.

My eldest asking," why do so many people get cremated it's silly!". 

My DS1 saying, "I wish we could live in Wales forever and never come back". Yep me too son I wish I could totally run away from it all at times :|.

I attempted to make a joke to my DS1 saying I would leave him in the car all by himself. His response was that it is illegal to leave children alone in the car and the police will put you in jail mummy.

As we were driving past the graveyard the other day way DS2 comments, "boo". this is because he thinks the tear ghosts there, 😂 

Cheers for reading X

Knackered

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

KNACKERED

This is because I have been sleeping badly due to my son going through a horrible period waking up several times a night and overtime really dampens everything.

However, we did get to go to the pumpkin farm and have fun picking our own one. We have a massive one, even though cheeky hubby told me it was the same as last years, it was clearly not! Still, the boys are going to have fun carving the pumpkin on Saturday.

We also got a green pumpkin as it is the best one for making pumpkin tart, so hopefully, that is something fun we can do in the half term.

Which as it is half-term coming up looking forward to a break from the constant letters/homework etc that seems to be continuous, jeez it's hardcore now they are at school.

Cheers for reading X