Blog therapy

Hey readers,

Some days are really crap, you wonder how you are going to get through them especially when it is only 9:30 in the morning.

I am so teary because I have reduced one set of medication. I know it is only a side effect and will be worth the pain in the long run. But right now it is a struggle especially when I am so needed during the summer holiday.

I am not very good when people demand me for long periods of time.  For me being autistic it is mentally draining and a real battle. I need to switch off and sometimes I just need to escape to my bedroom for some peace for five.

I feel a bit suffocated as well as being in a flat and the weather being rubbish. I just haven't got the motivation to anything when I am so tired.

I feel so guilty for feeling tired when I should be on the ball but sometimes I question My ability to parent such as today. I know this is just short-lived and because I am frustrated, that being said I have to battle with these thoughts.

I feel pulled into two ways to right my personal feelings as one side of me thinks I am being silly. The other side feels it is cathartic and may help someone.

It is amazing how powerful words on and just writing down your thoughts can really help even if there is no solution. It is a bit like therapy and that is one of the reasons why I love to blog. 

As in real life, I am rubbish at expressing myself to others. Words seem to get mangled up and I stutter and shut down. Again this is influenced by my autism.

So, that is why I turn to my blog as a place of comfort and release of emotions. I don't feel judged and it is a place where I can freely write without having to worry about all the other social aspects involved when speaking verbally.

Cheers for reading X

 

Unknown Territory

Hey readers,

One of the big issues with my Autism is anxiety particularly when I go to a new place. So I shall tell you about such an incident so you can get a feel want it is like for me personally.

I took my boys to the zoo this week and as much as I love the outdoors/wildlife the new situation caused me to feel very anxious.

When we went to the zoo it was half term so it was super busy. Also, I had not been out as a family for a while to somewhere new therefore contributing to making me feel even more anxious.

I get overwhelmed with being in new places because I have to take in all my environment.

I feel powerless as I don't know what to expect as it is a new place.

The zoo that day was very loud and busy causing me to get stressed very quickly especially when I have also got to look after my boys.

Another factor causing me to feel anxious was getting caught up in a crowded area. This can make me feel very claustrophobic causing me to feel like running away and hiding.

The noise levels cause my ears to ring.

I can only cope with so many people touching me. Not in a perverse way you must understand but just the sensation of other people touching my skin by brushing past. It makes my skin crawl and itchy.

Having to deal with my son screaming with tantrums and dealing with paranoia due to not having the skills to read facial expressions correctly. Because I have low self-confidence I feel very negative and worry about what others are thinking of me when they stare at me.

Having to deal with negotiating and calming my son down when I am anxious is something I have to work really hard at. It is very draining for me when I am out that it affects me the next day and I feel dead to the world.

Getting lost and disorientated not knowing where I am in the zoo does not help and makes me panicky.

I find not knowing when the event will end is a struggle for me because it being ambiguous and not having a plan heightens my anxiety.

In the beginning, I enjoyed the animals however I did have a mild meltdown due to the overwhelming. This is a result of all the factors I explained previously adding up and turning into a high anxiety situation. So much so that I could not communicate clearly and needed to leave due to a lack of skills to cope with the situation.

However, when I did calm down and my husband discussed what we could have done to make the situation better.

1) Take diazepam.

2) come back during a weekday and not in half term when it is busy.

3) should have got a map to work out where we are going.

4 Planning more structure with getting a plan online and working out where we are going and incorporating lunch.

5) Include a coffee break so we can have a drink and refresh.

If anyone has any other suggestions please feel to share as we are returning in a couple weeks again as we have a free return ticket.

Cheers for reading X

 

Social anxiety kicks in!

Hey readers,

Today I attempted to a volunteer place but totally failed at it and now I feel like a fool. 

It was an admin role but it was in an open arena with different people at different desks etc. and I just felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable paranoid and anxious. 

I was so anxious that I had a panic attack. I felt so claustrophobic in that room. Like a fish in a glass bowl and everyone was staring at me. It is the most horrendous and intense feeling ever. 

I just could not handle it mentally. I don't do small talk and the things I think about talking about are not appropriate. I think it is anxiety that does that. 

I just could not handle it and just went into flight or fight response. I forgot how bad my social anxiety can be, I have not been in this type of social situation for a long time.

I hate myself and now I am beating myself up about it. I know when I have cooled down and talked sense to myself I will see it from a different perspective but right now, at this moment, I am really down and emotional.

I feel that my response and lack of ability make me a bad person, incapable and a failure. For a brief second, I was tempted to jump in front of a train. Don't worry I won't but I want to be frank and real. This is real life going through the motions. You have a warped view of yourself and what you ' believe' others think. 

I feel I am less of a person because I can’t do this role because I view success on whether I have a job or not and feel that what society views as a good person or parent. This message feels even more present currently through the media when we are heading towards the general elections. 

I feel I have let myself down and my children. Why can't I accept that I am autistic and some things are hard? I would never, ever expect a person who is confined in a wheelchair to just get up and walk.  That does not stop me from being so hard on myself because the stigma is still prevalent and I don’t in normal life discuss really autism because to be perfectly honest I am embarrassed and ashamed. I feel guilty and let down.

 I know you’re going to say I shouldn’t feel like this but I do and I have experienced people judging me so it is hard to change. Though on a positive note it is something I am working on, it takes time especially when it damages you so emotionally. The treatment is still discriminator out there, people see mental illness or invisibility as a negative and something that makes you less of a person.

I think I am also scared with regards to autism as it was reported in the news that NHS are diagnosis fewer children with less severe autism. What next I feel like autism is misunderstood and I am scared for myself and others about what the fortune holds. 

Cheers for reading X