Autism and lonliness

 Hey readers, 

It is lonely being an autistic person in this world. All I ever see is how to be accepting of your autism, be proud to be different. But no one ever talks about the loneliness of being autistic, of always being on the outside and never quite fitting in. 

Just on Twitter alone the messages I read (problem with autism I tend to read things wrong) but this is my interpretation is that if you dare say anything negative you are a bad person. It feels so skewed and that alone is isolating. The feeling that you can't be your true self or be open because you will get shot down for feeling such negative emotions associated with being autistic. 

Then there is loneliness when for example I am married to a neurotypical person (someone who doesn't have autism) at times it makes me feel angry because my husband is completely different from me. He hasn't the same struggles, he is good at communication and he talks to EVERYONE. 

He is laid back and sometimes he is lonely because of having negative feelings, especially when feelings of not being adequate. I'm constantly being reminded ok it is light-hearted and only meant to be fun but at times it gets to me, I go to a place alone and cry because it is hard living in this world when you never feel you reach a level that is acceptable. 

When you try so hard but you somehow seem to screw it up, you say the wrong thing, or when it is too much you have a meltdown because you just can't cope with the situation that is happening around you. 

You look around and you see people understand these unwritten rules and even though you can mimic them if it is not linear and something slightly changes I end up confused or not doing the acceptable thing. I know people are going to say that it is ok to be different, but is it really because it does feel like that.

 If you're on the outside and people just don't understand. I suppose I bring it on myself because even though I write my blog and it is open in real face to face I am a private person. Plus  I have always been better at writing down thoughts because I can take my time, come back and edit, etc but when I try to communicate it is my anxiety that cribbles me. 

I overanalysis things and it gets to me. I feel alone in this world, even when I am around people, I never feel like I quite fit in. I know I am not the only autistic person to feel like this but it gets lonelier when you are out in the world, not in a little bubble on social media. When you watch people engage, you think why can't I do it or say the right thing that makes you feel so alone, it can be crippling.

 There are days when you wake up and think not again I have to battle being an autistic adult. You dread going to sleep because it takes so much energy to get up and carry on. To be constantly reminded that you don't fit in and you fail. That stuff hurts and gets in deep over the years, it is painful and again the loneliness creeps in and eats away at you. 

I don't really know what the point of this post is, but when you are in a click or watch someone struggle who alone just remembers they may be really struggling on the inside. You never know what is going on in someone's head so just remember to do anything in this world be kind. 

Cheers for reading X