Friday 25 February 2022

The day in the life of a depressive.

Hey readers,

Today I woke up elevated with thoughts of all sorts of possibilities and within ten minutes everything got shot down again. You see depression for me anyway is not where you sit in the corner and cry 24/7 - though there have been times when I have done that. But I feel depression is not simply the black cloud that hangs above but it is all sorts of emotions that I experience during the day.

The day in the life of a depressive.

This may seem an odd thing to say but there are glimpses of happiness that can last 30 seconds to five minutes and I have even been known to laugh. You would think nothing was wrong with me, but you will be fooled.

Then my brain reminds me of how shit my life is and how I mess up everything, and the majority of the time it can be rooted in my autism. I don't care what people's views are living with autism is no walk in the park and it is hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to have a break from myself and then just stop the work. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, which affects my mood deeply.

The next feeling could be agitation and just the general hopelessness of being stuck in a situation that I have no control over.

Anger comes along when I have to listen to the next person who tells me that it is mind over matter and that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. Don't let the autism get the way they chant, but basically, everyone can fuck I want to be dead. For that one second sometimes you think the world would be better if I simply didn't exist than having to deal with the nonsense that circulates around my head.

But then there are moments that are beautiful that are full of wonder and amazement that I can almost think I have achieved something good that day.

Until you start crying randomly at some music that brings it all back and all the negativity is refaced.

You see depression isn't just one set of emotions, I have only named a few in this post but I want people to be aware that this mental illness is not just a dichotomy and that it is much more complicated than what the media portray.

Cheers for reading X

loopyloulaura

4 comments:

  1. I agree with you that emotions are both complicated AND very subjective so it's hard to get inside someone else's experience.

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  2. I'm sorry to read that you don't get the right response and support from people. It's not just as simple as making an effort, if only. Thanks for linking with #pocolo

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  3. Depression is most definitely a very complicated illness. I know a few people who have suffered from this and it's really heartbreaking hearing throw away comments from other people like 'pull yourself together' or 'can't you snap out of it'. It's just not that simple at all, and if anything, I think comments like that can make it worse. We definitely need open discussions about mental health to help others to understand, rather than judge. Thank you so much for joining us for the #DreamTeam xx

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  4. thank you for sharing your experiences, I'm sure it will resonate with your readers who may be feeling the same. My depression and anxiety have recently been upgraded to moderately severe, I feel exhausted but not sad. Thanks for joining in with the #DreamTeam

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