Mummy will you play with me?

Hey readers, 

Them words.... "mummy, will you play with me?" I dread.

I. HATE. PLAY.

Specifically, imaginary play, the thought of it gives me the shudders. Even after 8 years of being a mother, I hate it. I get so on edge thinking will my child ask me. 

Now I suppose one the struggles is I am not good at thinking outside of the box as it were. I am autistic and just coming up with random ideas is a big bloody struggle truth be told. 

I don't enjoy this type of play. I think the worst bit of it all is the guilt that I have created myself inside my own head that I must be good at imaginary play if I want to be a good mother. 

I know it sounds ridiculous but when you have been observed in playing with your children from professionals you get a bit paranoid. 

Now I am good at constructive play such as colouring in, writing on windows with window pens, reading books etc. 

My kids can come to me and talk to me about anything and I will listen and answer, no problems there. 

I just can't deal with doing things without order or structure and this falls back to being autistic. I walked out once a couple of times when I have been to live performances when they are improvising. 

The thought of being on the spot and having to come up with something is really tricky. It's like my mind goes blank the moment I am under pressure, I just can not think of what to do or say at that moment.

So coming back to play I am trying to be accepting of what I can and can not do. Opening up on this platform makes me feel scared of the judgement I guess but I am going to tell my husband as well.

 I'm scared of being open and saying look I struggle, I don't like it and it fills me with dread. There are some days when I am so anxious about it I will stay up so I am too tired the next day to feel anything. 

I think I am more conscious of my own behaviour due to the intensity of staying at home more. It is tough, really tough. I know I am not alone but it is almost a taboo topic saying you hate the imaginary play. 

I think if I was to accept it more it would relax me better and have a better time. 

I know my boys are looked after and are fine. It is just dealing with the intrusive thoughts in my mind. 

Let's focus a little bit of the positives about not playing imaginary play and letting my little darlings be free to play. 

It teaches them to be independent which isn't a bad thing, it means there more creative when they are bored because they are looking for ways to entertain themselves. 

So in the grand schemes of things not that bad really. Just need to be kinder to myself because we are different and we can't all be good at everything right?

Cheers for reading X