Friday, 11 September 2015

Nursery

Hey readers,
The word that sums up my week is:
 Nursery
 
This week has seen the return of my eldest going back to nursery after the half term. Boy has it really affected him with tiredness. I have found a bit.difficult to handle as he has been beyond tired and very emotional.
I am currently on a parentimg course to help mange the way I parent better. So I have incorporated a few changes such as putting less stimuli available for my eldest. This is because he finds it hard to wind down and therefore needs fewer distractions at night when he struggles the worst.
I have started with putting calming music on, toys away at a certain time, speaking whispers etc. We shall see how that goes as it is early days and I've honest it is hard work changing and trying to improve a situation especially have cognitive imparenments myself. Some days I wish there was a manual as it can be quite overwhelming for me.
I could not forget a big event happening in my life this week with my youngest going to nursery this week. He previously went to a different nursery before the summer hoildays but did not get the funding. This time we have found some funding which is great. He absolutely loves it and has settled in really well with no tears or anything. He used to the building as brother goes there and has already been in a similar setting which is a Bonus.   I just caught him today without his knowledge and it is lovely to watch and see how independent and how happy he is.
Cheers for reading X

Friday, 4 September 2015

Greedy

why you so greedy?
All you do is
Take and want,
One day
You will lose,
And have nothing,
To show.

Half term

Hey readers,
My word of the week is:

half term

This is because it is half term and I love good old cliché ;)

It has been lovely not to rush around in the morning but we have also been decorating the boy's bedroom. 

So long days and chaos. It will be worth in the end however it is currently solid work. Plus trying to entertain children has made me a bit worn out.

Though I did enjoy rythme time this week with the boys. We have not done it for so long as the boys are both in the nursery now. 

The boys enjoyed the library with singing and having the opportunity to choose a book. It really is the simple things that can give you so much pleasure. I have learnt so much recently in watching children and their perspective.

 You always think you will be the teacher when you become a parent. That is not always the case as children teach you things too.

Anyhow enough of the emotional crap I had a day out child-free this week also. I so needed a break and I went to Birmingham. I went on the tram as I am a bit of a geek like that. I love it, it is so ace and easy to get to places. I now have to take my boy which I know he will love it so much!

Also while I was in Birmingham I treated myself to some gorgeous multi-coloured pens from Paperchase.

Cheers for reading X


Thursday, 3 September 2015

Relaxing

My word of the week is:-
 
 
Relaxing
 
 
 
After having a week away in Norfolk with the family it has really helped relax me and feel motivated. Nothing better then getting away from it all from the daily grin of day to day stuff. 
One aspect of hoildaying that I enjoyed is seeing different scenes and being able to relax without having to have the typical thoughts at home of how.am I am going to fit everything all in.
The hoilday has also given me time to be a more relaxed mummy to the boys and have some fun creating memories.
It is not all about being chilled though as  the week also was challenging for me. The holiday helped me face up to some of the mental challenges I face. Particularly the intrusive and ritualistic thoughts that I experience due to my OCD. It has helped me deal with the thoughts face on. Because when I am at home I can get easily distracted by life at home. Though the thoughts are not pleasant it has helped me feel more on control and show me that thoughts are simply thoughts and they can not get me!
But the best bit has to be returning home and sinking deep into your own bed. Nothing beats it really?!
Thanks for reading X


Hey readers,
My word for the week is September as it is September and it feels like a new start.
 
 
 September
 
 
 I associate September with the start of the new academic year. It.is also my son's final year at nursery then he will start school. It feels like a final chapter for my son though I don't get sad about it but clebrate my son's achievement. My son has come such a long way and makes me very proud.
This week was the return for my son to nursery and at first he was really down. This is because it is kinda new for him as he is in a new room with different children and workers. However. that did not last long as when I went to collect him he found his spring which I don't think it was influenced by being able to do tons of painting ;)
I love September as I feel this time of year has a sense of calm maybe because it is cooler time of year, people feel more relaxed. Alternatively, I may just associate these feelings with my childhood or maybe I don't have to completely intensively have to look after my child. Not that don't love my child but it is bloody hard work when they are young and don't get a break
I do love the cooler air, darker nights and the colours that are found at this time of year.
Thanks for reading X

Cold

Hey readers,
My word of the week is:

Cold

It just seems to be me but in my household I am freezing even when the sunshine is out. Though can't moan too much as it has been beautiful and I have enjoyed getting out and snapping some beautiful sunsets. Which is probably good as hubby is rearranging wires and moving furniture around . The kitchen and living room is chaos. I hate mess and disruption. I dont know how other people copy with it but it leaves me feeling irritated and powerless. I think I am a control freak and like order. I hate it when things are not in order and a mess. Though I have been colouring more as a result to help distress me and take my mind away from the sawdust floor. On a positive note we had a Chinese and oh my word have not had one for a long time but it was amazing and thr added benefit of not having to worry about cooking. 
I have also joined a course to teach me the skills to be mindfu. I can't promise I will be chilled and less anxious . still I am willing to learn anything that might help me be more  relaxed.
Hope you have a good week!
Cheers for reading X



Monday, 31 August 2015

Under my nose

Why I do feel so angry,
At the injustice,
Hearing them speak,
Why can't they be human,
Instead of turning a blind eye.

Friday, 21 August 2015

Sleepy

Hey readers,
My word of the week is sleepy.
I think this because of returning from holiday and being blessed with a cold, boo!
I find it so hard to get back into a routine especially when you have double the amount of washing. Not to mention having to prepare dinners. How irritating and I already miss being on holiday. As when we were away we went out most of the time or opted for really easy meals. God I hate cooking when it is something I have to do. The rebel inside me says Nooooo and feel.so confined with it feeling like a chore!
Still at least I got to catch up on admin with my blog, which is always blessing.
Another celebration is getting through the fifth week of summer holidays. Can you believe it, it has gone so fast. Reflecting back just before my sons broke up from nursery I dreaded how I was going to get through the intense period. But some how you just get into the routine and things juss fly past.
I am a bit sad though as just found found out today my son will not be returning to nursery. This is because they could not have the funding for my youngest nursery placement but I am not dwelling on it too much as he will start in January as he will be.entitled to his two year funding.  However, part of me is happy as I get to spend more one on one time with my boy. This gives me a change to explore different places with him without being restricted to getting him to nursery and collecting him.
Now all I can think of is my bed and sleep: D
Thanks for reading X


Wednesday, 12 August 2015

swollen

My throat hurts
No more pain,
Please leave
My body is done.

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Light

The responsibility has gone,
I feel lighter,
Knowing it is out,
 now I weight,
With nothing else,
To do.

Tuesday, 4 August 2015

Leave me

Don't leave me,
I'm scared
I don't know nothing,
Life to scary,
With no instructions

Chat from the boys

Hey readers,
It's a new week and here is my recent collection of funny chat  from my son or milestone regarding speech.

  • When my support worked comes to see me my eldest instantly knows it relates to me and my well being. He makes it very clear that 'I'm going look after mummy'.
  • When my eldest does not like something or does not want to do the requests from other he says 'no,no,no,no,no,no' cue x10000 times!
  • Every time we tell my eldest something he responds by saying 'yeah I know' in a very typical Little Britain style or like a three year old going on on 13 with an attitude.
  • The other day when we come back from shopping and walking home my son stubbornly says to to me 'I can carry my owl, umbrella and the cheese for daddy '. Refusing any help even though he is blatantly struggling. When did kids Get so independent hey!
  • So I am drawing around the silhouette of my son's thumb and he responds very grown up saying 'that is perfect mummy', I feel proud because I have my son's seal of approval, I'm winning!
  • On the bus full of people and the bus driver drives past Ikea and my son shouts out mega loud 'mummmmmy, I want to go to Ikea'. Honest I don't own him ;)
  • When my son finishes his meal I say to him are you full and he responds by saying 'all my food in my tummy and it is going to make me be very big and strong'.
  • When I was out with my sons at the park I let my youngest be free to wonder and he runs straight to the ice cream van, turns to me smiles and points and says 'meeeeeeeeeee' clearly letting me know he wants one thing and one thing only!
  • With my eldest when we were chatting he says mummy you not got a Willy and then he pretends to magically provide me  with one  and says I give you a willy on your tummy'. Thanks son just what I have always wanted.
  • Finally my youngest has now managed to say mummy but not to sure how I feel mixed with loriud and omg that's it now I am going hear two lkoads of mummmmmy, haha!
That's my round up done and dusted,
 
Cheers for reading X
 



Thursday, 23 July 2015

chaos


Hey readers,
Hope your enjoying or surviving the first week of summer holidays. My week I feel is chaos. As much as I love spending time with my children it can be quite difficult managing intense periods of togetherness. I'm lucky though that my son can spend periods of time playing by himself but my youngest is quite clingy plus my hubby is working long hours to fix our car as the clutch is going. So, it feels more  tiring especially now that the routine has been pulled away. It is hard for me to replace a new schedule into our lives in the beginning. I am autistic and therefore this is one thing that as a parent i should manage but for me personally it is the biggest challenge to deal with change. But slowly getting to grips of adapting though I never thought shopping would take as long with a toddler that toddles behind! When I feel dread over some aspact if parenting I also try to remember to take baby steps and try not to focus on the bigger picture.  But on the positive we have more free time to explore days out without having to rely on structure and we can be a bit more impulse or have the odd late night. That is the fun side of sumner holidayd and creating memories.
Have a great week X



Tuesday, 14 July 2015

ftmob 14/07/2015

Hey readers,
So here is some snipets of quotes delivered by my sons this week but bear in mind my youngest is more one worded  jargon at the moment!
So, I everyday as an activity with my DS1 complete a weather chart and we go through what the day is, date, month and what the weather has to bring during the day. So on Monday I try to motivate my son to take part in this activity and with his toy in one hand whilst walking away from me replies "sorry mummy I am too busy". He is getting such a checky humour later I just can't help myself from laughing out loud. He certainly does make me smile!
At nursery my son has been learning all about caterpillars and how they transform into beautiful butterflies, yes we have read the hungry caterpillar several times. My son finds this subject very interesting as he demonstrates this phenomenon to me by telling me that, "caterpillars turn into flutterbyes". He further demonstrates this to me by getting his hands flat and spread out together and flutters therm vastly like your typical butterfly does.
When at nursery a member of staff asked what does my son not like and he responded by saying, "potatoes". This is interesting as he loves chips and roast potatoes, haha!
Now moving on to my DS2 and when wanting him to give me the toy from his hand the refused and even directly asking him, "please may mummy have that toy?" In response as crystical clear says "no!!!!". He has started to form such a big personslity for someone sdo small and has totally transforming especially now that he is less jargon like and moving on to sounds and even the odd word. There will be trouble soon as I can see augments between both my sons trying to get the first word in, eek!
Thanks for reading my round up of the week X


Friday, 10 July 2015

Acceptasnce

Hey readers,
 Hope your keeping well. This week has gone so fast that I have only noticed that today is Friday, where does time go, I'm getting old!
Anyhow, to sum up my week in a word would be

Aceeptance
 
Sometime in life you filled with what ifs and crippling guilt, mine mostly revolves around being a mummy and trying achieved this unreachable ideal that if I am honest I will never achieve. Not to mention the constant pressure of reading about this whole notion of appreciating your child every second of every bloody day, time is short and never get it back mentality. I will be honest here it's hard so hard that I am so absorbed with trying to hold on to them moments that I lose out in just being and having fun with my children. The fact of the matter is my children will grow up and get older and that is something that is out of my control!. Yes it is sad but you know you have a problem when it titally absorbs you and get lost in that realm of fear and dread every single day. It is a horrible place to be when all you think about is time ticking by and the fear of the unknown. Did I ever mention that not being in control.
I went to a fire service open day with my son on Saturday and the battery of my camera was dead, I was even in the middle of dragging my son away to town to purchase a disposable camera as my thoughts were I need a photo and if I don't get a photo my life will fall apart. I was stressed, anxious and generally just  plan miserable. Till I spoke to my husband who brought me back to reality in that so what if I don't get photos just being with my son and creating memories is so more important. This negative feelings is not making me nor my children happy and what counts is to just enjoy the moment and don't put pressure on your self. My son is so much more happier when I am relaxed and generally not giving a fuck, that is what he will remember the fun times, not a sodding photograph. It is so hard in this social media times to get bogged down with these stupid messages of pressure. What is most important is to accept your child will grow up and yes it is sad but it is more important to enjoy the time with your children. They will always have them memories and you can't capture everything nor can you remember it, it is just not possible. So accepting that fact that and try to chill out take some snaps but don't let it take you away from being in the moment. I need to remind myself that what is important is my children's happiness. Letsd just remember pre digitital photograph when disposiasbke cameras were taken and that was that, not everything documented and nothing terrible happened. I certainly still cherish good times so it is not the end of the world.
 
 
Thanks for reading X




Tuesday, 7 July 2015

Secondary Primary Caregiver

Hey readers,

This week has been somewhat challenging. My son has been sick and my routine has been changed. I am autistic therefore find change difficult, not to mention long periods of time with my children is hard and mentally draining for me.

Now I do have my husband as my carer due to my disability. As we are both are at home we can split the care if we wish. It allows me to have a break. However,  when I do I feel a break I am left feeling dreadful and guilty.

Why do I feel like this? well, because I feel I am not competent in being an adequate mother. I feel like a failure, maybe it is because I feel like I have been conditioned to feel like this.

I know there was an interesting drama on the telly some time ago, reflecting on real-life situations of parents who are disabled and the fear of social services taking their children away.

I worry about what happens when my husband, God forbid dies in an accident, would social services take my children away? In one sense I would be doing more jobs like cooking etc. 

So, maybe I may just deal with it and I wouldn't have as much time to think and reflect, therefore not feeling as bad.

One professional who I discussed my fears with regarding the situation about if hubby dies. She was very comforting with her words, saying that I would just deal with the situation and readjust to a new routine. I probably get some additional help.

 She works closely with social services and worked with other individuals with additional needs. She did say I had to be really bad to get my children taken off me. She knew that I worked really hard, open to professionals and I wasn't as bad as I feel inside my own head.

Why do I feel scared then? I feel that I am autistic and Like I would be judged for my downfalls, even though sometimes my autism can enhance my parenting!

The guilt eats away at me, I feel I should be working that bit harder as an autistic parent to make up for my incompetence. I feel I should focus more on my child. Of course, there are times when my husband is not around and I look after both children and funnily enough there is nothing bad that happened.

It is the battle I feel that I have to fight every single day. I dread some days because it is only me who is beating myself mentally for not being good enough parent. I feel as I am the secondary caregiver and that my role is not good enough. 

Even though I work my ass off and having to do more things consciously that others would take it as the water of a duck's back. I blame myself for having to have breaks and not for feeling better after. The guilt that I should be enjoying being with my child and not want to escape. But at times that is just what I want to do.

 Escape from the noise and having to focus all my attention on the child. Having to work overtime to plan and to perform in the correct manner. It is so exhausting and sometimes I just want to stop thinking.

Sometimes I feel that I am not worthy of being a parent because of my autism. I will influence their development and if anything goes wrong then I blame myself for not being good enough.  It is easy to get in this cycle especially if you have low self-worth. 

You feel isolated as there is not enough support for autistic parenting. We don't fall under the mental health or learning disabilities section, meaning that we are stranded, stuck and confused. 

That is how I feel. Being in a neurotypical world I am constantly battling and sometimes it is just my thoughts, other times I feel there are real barriers that hinder my performance.

Cheers for reading X
 

 

Friday, 3 July 2015

slow

Hey readers,
My word of the week is slow.

 This heat is making me go sloooooow but been enjoying my relaxed state of mood. I have just been really happy sitting on the balcony catching sone rays whilst the boys argue over who's turn it is to go on the scooter, teehee. And generally not having lot of energy to much other then lick a couple!e of twisters!
This sunshine has made me walk that little bit slower and just take in the moment around me and even though I live in the city of concrete I am surrounded by beauty, yes I did say that. It is good to not be a hurry from to time and just be one with ambience which has been much more chilled amoungst the hustle and hustle of city life!
I havs also enjoyed the cooler evenings as I get to spend time with my hubby and try to use the internet less and not get stuck in a cycle. I will reduce that now as I have just got my new phone in in the post, whoop. Meaning I can spread my useage out during the day and not so much rushing around in the evening.


Beauty is everywhere all you have to  look....




 
Thank you for reading X



Thursday, 2 July 2015

From the words of my son




Hey readers,
Hope your enjoying the heat wave and not melting away too much.
I love the concept of asking questions and only seen the idea on the internet a few weeks ago and why didn't think of it earlier I do not know. I definately recommend asking questions to your little ones as it really is insightful to understand their psyche. I also found asking questions has shown me the progress of my son's journey with hid speech. My son has got a speech delay and has already completed three rounds of speech therapy. I have to say we have seen massive improvements so asking questions has made me so proud of my little boy. Not just that but how far he has come in constructing sentences cohesively and well thought out answer when asking the more the in depth ones he doesn't immediately reply but takes time out to think about the question and what it means for him. There was a time in his younger days where he would just give you the answer you want and yeah he sometimes does that when he is tired or lazy still now.  Asking quedtions has shown me that he is being his own little person with his own personality. He also can think for himself on his own two feet. That my readers makes me feel so proud and kinda emotional in a good way to see his transformation. It only feels like yesterday when he was born and struggling to breathe by himself. Now in 2015 I see a funny and strong minded little boy that I can call mine.
Anyhows that is enough of the mush here are the questions and answers, enjoy.
What is your favourite colour? Blue
What is your favourite toy? Nee- nor (his fire engine toy).
What is your favourite fruit? Apple or banana
What is your favourite TV show? Naughty man walk the blank (AKA swashbuckle)
What us your favourite thing to eat at lunchtime? Chips and brown sauce
What is your favourite thing piece of clothing? Fireman Sam tee-shirt
What is your favourite game? nee-nors (racing cars round his road map rug)
What is your favourite animal? Oink oink
What is your favourite song? Twinkle twinkle little star chocolate bar
What is your favourite book? That is not my robot
What is your favourite drunk? Mummy bubbles (on the odd occasion)
What do you cuddle at night? Miffy, care bear and Lilly (his pink bear be got from hospital)
What is your favourite thing to do outside? Skipping
What is your favourite sport? Skipping
What do you want to be when you grow up? An adult
What is the best thing about being a kid? Playing on my scooter
What makes you happy? Daddy
What do you like to Gert when you go to Sainsbury's? Ice cream, I like ice cream, ice cream is my favourite!
How old is daddy? 62
How old is mummy? 68 (cheers son!)
How old are you? 3
How old is your brother? 1
Are you a girl or boy? Boy
Is daddy a girl or boy? Boy
Is your brother a girl or boy? Boy
Is mummy a girl or boy? Boy (says with a checky smile and changes it for girl)
Fearless, strong, independent son


Thank you for reading X

Thursday, 18 June 2015

Busy

Hey readers,
 
 So thinking of a word that sums up my week it would be busy.
Got a couple meetings and though they are only an hour or two coubbled with dealing with dropping off and collecting toddlers (both go to nursery but a different times and different nursery's) it soon eats away at your time. It does not help that it is my hubbys and mum's birthday along with the in-laws coming from Wales which will be lovely for the boys. But sometimes it can all feel a bit raggh and hopefully wishing for more hours in the day. On boy do I sound old and a cliché!
With being a parent I sometimes think it is so hard to get a balance with stuff going on and managing time. At times for me it is uber busy and I don't have a minute to myself and then on the other end of the scale I am suffering from cabin fever (tends to normally occur when it is raining, FFS!) and desperately want to go out somewhere.
At least on the positive side we are creating memories and I am not all the time having to be the 24-7 entertainer so that kinda gives me a break. Anyhow, I digress but primarily I hope there is some sunshine as I am most looking forward to cake. Did I mention that I suggested the idea on the impulse to make the cake and the fact that I am s**t at cooking, well not rubbish just not very good with measurements and instructions. Lol
Hope you have a lovely week and thank you for reading X


Friday, 5 June 2015

Pain

Hey readers,
 
Well the word I thought was best fitting for me to write about this week is pain. I know it is associated with negative images/meanings but I try thing my self as honest and this week has been a big struggle as I have had a throat infection and been in so much pain.
I won't lie I love  moan within reason and thing out is good to let out your feelings and can really be helpful when an illness makes you feel like hojhr4not so energetic self.
My throat has made me feel in so much paint6that it has been hard to motivate myself to do a lot and the main thing I struggle with is cooking. I'm not a massive fan of cooking when it something that I have to do so it was a real tester to get my act together and cook. Urgh! Pain!
Now I know this is a Wingy post (I haven't got time to wings anywhere else what with two active tots) so I am going write it here. I'm in bloddy pain and I feel I am haulsknbating about my bed and sleep, oh the thought!
OK back to reality, yes my throat has caused a lot I'd pain and really brought me to tears but also in an perverse sort of way it has slowed me down which is a positive. As my mind is very, very, very, very active and the sort of person to sit down for 5 so though I have had pasin it has also given me time to recharge my batteries. It has also stopped or not focused ass much my OCD thoughts (suffer with odd for years) and it has been bad recently it has helped me reflect and think about sim;me things. Not just that but stopping my casthropic and ritualistic habits gave really helped reduce my anxiety. So, there is pro's and con's with everything and you just got to taskje what you can from thee sitiasdyion.
So there you have it. Enjoy your week X