Light

The responsibility has gone,

I feel lighter,

Knowing it is out,

 now I weight,

With nothing else,

To do.

Leave me

Don't leave me,

I'm scared

I don't know nothing,

Life to scary,

With no instructions

Chat from the boys

Hey readers,
It's a new week and here is my recent collection of funny chat  from my son or milestone regarding speech.

• When my support worked comes to see me my eldest instantly knows it relates to me and my well being. He makes it very clear that 'I'm going look after mummy'.
• When my eldest does not like something or does not want to do the requests from other he says 'no,no,no,no,no,no' cue x10000 times!
• Every time we tell my eldest something he responds by saying 'yeah I know' in a very typical Little Britain style or like a three year old going on on 13 with an attitude.
• The other day when we come back from shopping and walking home my son stubbornly says to to me 'I can carry my owl, umbrella and the cheese for daddy '. Refusing any help even though he is blatantly struggling. When did kids Get so independent hey!
• So I am drawing around the silhouette of my son's thumb and he responds very grown up saying 'that is perfect mummy', I feel proud because I have my son's seal of approval, I'm winning!
• On the bus full of people and the bus driver drives past Ikea and my son shouts out mega loud 'mummmmmy, I want to go to Ikea'. Honest I don't own him ;)
• When my son finishes his meal I say to him are you full and he responds by saying 'all my food in my tummy and it is going to make me be very big and strong'.
• When I was out with my sons at the park I let my youngest be free to wonder and he runs straight to the ice cream van, turns to me smiles and points and says 'meeeeeeeeeee' clearly letting me know he wants one thing and one thing only!
• With my eldest when we were chatting he says mummy you not got a Willy and then he pretends to magically provide me  with one  and says I give you a willy on your tummy'. Thanks son just what I have always wanted.
• Finally my youngest has now managed to say mummy but not to sure how I feel mixed with loriud and omg that's it now I am going hear two lkoads of mummmmmy, haha!

That's my round up done and dusted,

 

Cheers for reading X

 

chaos

Hey readers,
Hope your enjoying or surviving the first week of summer holidays. My week I feel is chaos. As much as I love spending time with my children it can be quite difficult managing intense periods of togetherness. I'm lucky though that my son can spend periods of time playing by himself but my youngest is quite clingy plus my hubby is working long hours to fix our car as the clutch is going. So, it feels more  tiring especially now that the routine has been pulled away. It is hard for me to replace a new schedule into our lives in the beginning. I am autistic and therefore this is one thing that as a parent i should manage but for me personally it is the biggest challenge to deal with change. But slowly getting to grips of adapting though I never thought shopping would take as long with a toddler that toddles behind! When I feel dread over some aspact if parenting I also try to remember to take baby steps and try not to focus on the bigger picture.  But on the positive we have more free time to explore days out without having to rely on structure and we can be a bit more impulse or have the odd late night. That is the fun side of sumner holidayd and creating memories.
Have a great week X

ftmob 14/07/2015

Hey readers,
So here is some snipets of quotes delivered by my sons this week but bear in mind my youngest is more one worded  jargon at the moment!
So, I everyday as an activity with my DS1 complete a weather chart and we go through what the day is, date, month and what the weather has to bring during the day. So on Monday I try to motivate my son to take part in this activity and with his toy in one hand whilst walking away from me replies "sorry mummy I am too busy". He is getting such a checky humour later I just can't help myself from laughing out loud. He certainly does make me smile!
At nursery my son has been learning all about caterpillars and how they transform into beautiful butterflies, yes we have read the hungry caterpillar several times. My son finds this subject very interesting as he demonstrates this phenomenon to me by telling me that, "caterpillars turn into flutterbyes". He further demonstrates this to me by getting his hands flat and spread out together and flutters therm vastly like your typical butterfly does.
When at nursery a member of staff asked what does my son not like and he responded by saying, "potatoes". This is interesting as he loves chips and roast potatoes, haha!
Now moving on to my DS2 and when wanting him to give me the toy from his hand the refused and even directly asking him, "please may mummy have that toy?" In response as crystical clear says "no!!!!". He has started to form such a big personslity for someone sdo small and has totally transforming especially now that he is less jargon like and moving on to sounds and even the odd word. There will be trouble soon as I can see augments between both my sons trying to get the first word in, eek!
Thanks for reading my round up of the week X

Acceptasnce

Hey readers,
 Hope your keeping well. This week has gone so fast that I have only noticed that today is Friday, where does time go, I'm getting old!
Anyhow, to sum up my week in a word would be

Aceeptance

 

Sometime in life you filled with what ifs and crippling guilt, mine mostly revolves around being a mummy and trying achieved this unreachable ideal that if I am honest I will never achieve. Not to mention the constant pressure of reading about this whole notion of appreciating your child every second of every bloody day, time is short and never get it back mentality. I will be honest here it's hard so hard that I am so absorbed with trying to hold on to them moments that I lose out in just being and having fun with my children. The fact of the matter is my children will grow up and get older and that is something that is out of my control!. Yes it is sad but you know you have a problem when it titally absorbs you and get lost in that realm of fear and dread every single day. It is a horrible place to be when all you think about is time ticking by and the fear of the unknown. Did I ever mention that not being in control.

I went to a fire service open day with my son on Saturday and the battery of my camera was dead, I was even in the middle of dragging my son away to town to purchase a disposable camera as my thoughts were I need a photo and if I don't get a photo my life will fall apart. I was stressed, anxious and generally just  plan miserable. Till I spoke to my husband who brought me back to reality in that so what if I don't get photos just being with my son and creating memories is so more important. This negative feelings is not making me nor my children happy and what counts is to just enjoy the moment and don't put pressure on your self. My son is so much more happier when I am relaxed and generally not giving a fuck, that is what he will remember the fun times, not a sodding photograph. It is so hard in this social media times to get bogged down with these stupid messages of pressure. What is most important is to accept your child will grow up and yes it is sad but it is more important to enjoy the time with your children. They will always have them memories and you can't capture everything nor can you remember it, it is just not possible. So accepting that fact that and try to chill out take some snaps but don't let it take you away from being in the moment. I need to remind myself that what is important is my children's happiness. Letsd just remember pre digitital photograph when disposiasbke cameras were taken and that was that, not everything documented and nothing terrible happened. I certainly still cherish good times so it is not the end of the world.

 

 

Thanks for reading X

Secondary Primary Caregiver

Hey readers,

This week has been somewhat challenging. My son has been sick and my routine has been changed. I am autistic therefore find change difficult, not to mention long periods of time with my children is hard and mentally draining for me.

Now I do have my husband as my carer due to my disability. As we are both are at home we can split the care if we wish. It allows me to have a break. However,  when I do I feel a break I am left feeling dreadful and guilty.

Why do I feel like this? well, because I feel I am not competent in being an adequate mother. I feel like a failure, maybe it is because I feel like I have been conditioned to feel like this.

I know there was an interesting drama on the telly some time ago, reflecting on real-life situations of parents who are disabled and the fear of social services taking their children away.

I worry about what happens when my husband, God forbid dies in an accident, would social services take my children away? In one sense I would be doing more jobs like cooking etc. 

So, maybe I may just deal with it and I wouldn't have as much time to think and reflect, therefore not feeling as bad.

One professional who I discussed my fears with regarding the situation about if hubby dies. She was very comforting with her words, saying that I would just deal with the situation and readjust to a new routine. I probably get some additional help.

 She works closely with social services and worked with other individuals with additional needs. She did say I had to be really bad to get my children taken off me. She knew that I worked really hard, open to professionals and I wasn't as bad as I feel inside my own head.

Why do I feel scared then? I feel that I am autistic and Like I would be judged for my downfalls, even though sometimes my autism can enhance my parenting!

The guilt eats away at me, I feel I should be working that bit harder as an autistic parent to make up for my incompetence. I feel I should focus more on my child. Of course, there are times when my husband is not around and I look after both children and funnily enough there is nothing bad that happened.

It is the battle I feel that I have to fight every single day. I dread some days because it is only me who is beating myself mentally for not being good enough parent. I feel as I am the secondary caregiver and that my role is not good enough. 

Even though I work my ass off and having to do more things consciously that others would take it as the water of a duck's back. I blame myself for having to have breaks and not for feeling better after. The guilt that I should be enjoying being with my child and not want to escape. But at times that is just what I want to do.

 Escape from the noise and having to focus all my attention on the child. Having to work overtime to plan and to perform in the correct manner. It is so exhausting and sometimes I just want to stop thinking.

Sometimes I feel that I am not worthy of being a parent because of my autism. I will influence their development and if anything goes wrong then I blame myself for not being good enough.  It is easy to get in this cycle especially if you have low self-worth. 

You feel isolated as there is not enough support for autistic parenting. We don't fall under the mental health or learning disabilities section, meaning that we are stranded, stuck and confused. 

That is how I feel. Being in a neurotypical world I am constantly battling and sometimes it is just my thoughts, other times I feel there are real barriers that hinder my performance.

Cheers for reading X