My Sunday photo 18/08/2019

Maybe

Hey readers,

I have Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of autism (though to me it is not mild and it is present every day in my life).

Though there are so many areas to discuss autism today I am going to focus on one thing that affects me and causes great distress at the moment.

 That is the word 'maybe', which by the way I hate it and I hate it in relation to a response to a question. It is covered in grey and makes me stressed, especially when it is a response to a question which I want a definite answer (which 90% of the time).

You see as an autistic person I like control, I like to know what is happening. I love routine it comforts me. Sometimes I admit I get too rigid that I get struck and obsessive making my health deteriorate.

 One of the reasons is because I like black and white, I don't like the murky waters of the unknown. I never have, I feel it is innate and my body responds instantly. 

I can remember as a young child-hating change and uncertainty. I had carers who seemed unpredictable which is not great if you have an autistic mind like myself you get very confused as to what is happening. 

 I was on edge not knowing how someone would respond. I had night terrors because of the fear. That is just one example.

Maybe I will, maybe I won't? but why can't I have a yes or a no? Often, I didn't care, either way, I was more focused on the answer to be certain. I don't like guessing games, I like certainty.

I don't know really what is the point to the point of this post, I just wanted to get it off my chest because right now I am dealing with maybe which quite frankly is most infuriating.

Cheers for reading X

27 things you take for granted before you became a mum

Hey readers,

Sometimes as a mum, you don't get much reward (I am not complaining because this is the life I wanted). However, you never really appreciate your life before you have children until you have children.

Here is a list of some of the kind of things you took for granted before you became a mummy.

1) A lie-in.

2) Going shopping by yourself.

3) Being spontaneous.

4) Only responsible for yourself.

5) Not having to read the same book over and over again.

6) Quietness.

7) Pee in peace.

8) Not having to share anything, haha.

9) Having an adult conversation.

10) You never knew what Peppa Pig was.

11) Having a conversation.

12) Not having to read yourself.

13) Hot drink.

14) Not having your clothes smeared in snot.

15) A Goodnight sleep.

16) Being ill and not doing anything.

17) Reading a book.

18) Having a tidy home.

19) Peace of mind.

20) Running errands without every five minutes having a small human ask are we going home yet.

21) Having a shower.

22) Not being late.

23) Having nice furniture.

24) Personal space.

25) Time.

26) Energy.

27) eating in a restaurant.

Cheers for reading X

34 things to do when sad

Hey readers,

I suffer from depression and sometimes it can be easy to get stuck in feeding into the negative thoughts. What I sometimes find helpful is to stop and do something productive. 

So I have written a list of helpful things (also I go to when complete forget everything).

1.  Read a newspaper.

2. Colour in.

3. Meditation.

4. Go for coffee.

5. Practice handwriting.

6. Go to the shop and buy a magazine.

7. Read a book.

8. Clean (wash up, hoover, put clothes away etc).

9. Shower.

10. Take a walk.

11. Doodle.

12. Mind map - blog ideas etc.

13. A hot cup of tea.

14. Wear a chunky jumper.

15. Cook a recipe.

16. Brush hair/plait hair.

17. Watch mindful videos.

18. Watch something funny.

19. Write some poetry.

20. Play with clay - get creative.

21. Take some photos.

22. Paint nails.

23. Sing a song.

24. Dance your heart out.

25. Walkthrough woodlands.

26. Watch the sun setting.

28. Stroke a furry animal.

30. Light a candle.

31. Watch clouds.

32. Deep breathing.

33. Squeeze a stress ball.

34. Write down three positive things in your life.

Is there something you enjoy that is a great distraction? Love to hear your comments in the comment section. 

Cheers for reading X

My Sunday photo 11/08/2019

The struggle is within

Hey readers,

I don't often discuss my parenting issues in relation to my autism, mainly because I am embarrassed and quite frankly ashamed.

I am going to be straight up and honest and say that I struggle with this parenting thing. 

Let's be more specific as I am aware that actually, I am good at some bits. 

Depression would argue but that it is the truth. However, the one area I do struggle with is mainly with my boys and trying to entertain him for long periods. 

I feel guilty if I can't entertain my children but stuck in a dilemma where I can't concentrate on people for long periods of time, it totally exhausted me. 

I am also an introvert so therefore need time alone to store back my energy. I find interacting exhausting as a lot of the time I am thinking beforehand about how to communicate.

 The times when I am not thinking are when I am being impulsive due to anxiety therefore not censoring and not always saying the right. 

Not really rude, just random and repetitive. Kinda overlaps with ADHD/OCD traits I have learned. I don't have ADHD but with Aspergers there many overlapping traits from other conditions that are apparent. I digress (a major trait of mine right there).

I find it hard to entertain as there are many thought processes that occur and that is tiring. 9 times out of 10 after ten minutes of play I am exhausted mentally.

 I need to do nothing and shut down as I have used all my energy up focusing on that one action that takes many different social rules.

I think one area that is really tough for like me as an autistic living in a technological world (though most of the time it is the dream) I do get sucked into the whole idea of perfect parenting with this idea that you have to entertain your children all the time.

I am one of the few or many not many other autistic people have spoken out in actually I do care what people think and I am very aware of me. 

I am not dissing autistic people that don't give a dame, in actual fact, I admire you and wish I was bloody like that, hell it would so liberating. But I have not reached that acceptance of me.

I wish I could just be laid back, but it seems I am a worrier and feel that because I am an autistic parent I need to make up for my inadequacies.

Cheers for reading X

Introverted parents

Hey readers,

Sometimes I worry that I am not good enough parent simply because I am an introvert. 

I accept I am an introvert and there are some really good qualities that come with that type of personality.

When I look back as a child I saw people judge me because I didn't always have a voice or couldn't find the words to say what I needed to say. I believe that this was a mix of my personality and having autism.

 Communication is not my strongest point. However, I remember feeling bad because it kept getting mentioned. You see some points in my childhood I lived in the care system and there really was a lot of loud children that wanted to be heard.

 I was judged because I was not the status quo and then it made me question am I good enough?! I used to think that because I was quiet and philosophical in the sense I liked to reflect and ponder over things. 

People notice loud people, that is fine it takes all sorts to make the world go round. The problem is at such a young age I interpreted the messages that I was not good enough. Being quiet wasn't good, I wouldn't get anywhere in life because I couldn't form friendships. 

To me communication meant opportunity. I still believe that to some extent. Nonetheless, I have come to accept who I am and that world needs both quiet and loud as they both in their own right carry brilliant attributes.

Sadly, there is also a downside, like everything I guess. Sadly, you can't change who you are, I love quiet time and crave time alone where I can just be left alone to think. When I have time alone it gives me the opportunity to not have to think about the socialising which coincidently my husband thrives off it.

I am lucky in the sense I have a supportive husband that understands my needs and that yes it is selfish but selfish can be good, especially when it keeps the family home life calm.

I find social interaction exhausting with my children at times. I am not saying I hate my children most of the time I enjoy it and find it really fun and amusing. However, it can be really mentally draining for me. 

I suppose it doesn't help that I am autistic as well so uses up a lot more energy trying to read the social situation. I feel like I am constantly trying to work out how to respond correctly. Not to mention my eldest is also autistic and has his own needs on top of everything else.

I think it takes a lot more energy for introverted parents like myself as I spend more time processing emotional stuff and probably overthinking things a bit too much too. 

This can be good but also can be exhausted as it takes it out of you, let's face it generally parenting is hard work so there is not much energy left for much more.

One good aspect of being an introverted parent is the fact that it can be a positive role model in the sense that shows that it is ok to have quiet time and do your own thing. 

It can also teach children that not every moment someone wants noise and that sometimes people need space.

Cheers for reading X