Hey readers,
As I am getting older I have noticed that the way I manage to respond emotionally has changed somewhat. I have reduced the number of times I have a meltdown and I am more likely to respond to a situation by going into a shutdown mode.
I don't know whether this is a direct response to getting older or having more experience of life. It could simply be down to the fact that a shutdown is the better response for me as it is less emotionally draining and easier to hander after the event as well.
You have to realise that meltdowns not only are emotionally charged during that the moment of the event but also there needs to be a time to recover after the situation. Compared to a shutdown you use less emotional resources which results in an quicker time to recover emotionally.
Although one does wonder does a shutdown in the long term causes harm if you are suppressing emotions however that is something I probably will blog about at a later date.
You may be wondering what I mean by the terms of a meltdown.
A meltdown in regards to a autistic one, as opposed to a toddler one, is a response to the mind or body when it is feeling overwhelmed. It may at times appear to happen without warning.
By rights, anyone can have a meltdown an autistic meltdown is stronger and more frequent. I tend to find I need time after my meltdown to recover and deal with processing the situation.
With my meltdowns I tend to shout because I am angry and lose control because mainly as a result of the change, I am flapping and pacing, I sometimes self-harm, hyperventilate and struggle to put my thoughts into words and express myself clearly. I am also very anxious and can have panic attacks again linked to control and not knowing what is happening or being in control of a situation.
Shutdown.
So on the other side, we have a thing called a shutdown and you probably can work out from the name what the behaviour will be towards this term.
Due to the overwhelmingness of the situation and the inability to know how to deal with the situation an autistic person will sometimes literal shut down like a computer.
The characteristics of a shutdown tend to be for me is when I go mute, I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to hide away in a corner away from anyone or any stimulation time.
I like to hide in the darkness as this tends to help calm me down. As before shutdown mode, I do often get sensory overload when too many different sensory things all occur at once whether that be the level of noise in the background, the lights, business etc.
So I seek out a quiet, dark and calm environment where I can just be still and don't have to think. Going into shutdown mode for me is a safe place where I can regain regularity within my body and mind. It is the time when I can stop thinking the most and not have to collect so many messages to my brain, it is a break to breathe and just be.
One of the reasons I prefer shutdown to a meltdown is that they take up less emotional guilt which I feel after a meltdown I will be honest I am aggressive and get very frustrated.
Autism affects me with change and not knowing what is happening strongly and I would call myself a control freak and hate not knowing what is happening.
If people are late it sends my anxiety high and then waiting for a response pushes me right over the edge. So you can see I like to know what is happening, I am not a placid easy come, easy-go type person. I hate uncertainty which causes me great anxiety hence it displays itself in anger.
So shutdowns I prefer are less emotional and time-consuming before and after a meltdown, but they come with a cost not only do you feel shit for a long time.
Meltdowns chip away at your confidence as a person especially if you're having them frequently and as an adult, I think as a child you are more socially acceptable to have a meltdown but people judge you.
Over time, this really affects your mental health, so you can see the correlation of why so many autistic people have mental health conditions as well to deal with.
Shutdowns are easy to manage they take less time because they are slower you are calmer in a sense so that helps although over the long term could fuel depression which has happened to me in the past so be mindful of that.
So you can see why shutdowns are more attractive if you had to choose between two as a way of dealing with the neurological and emotional factors of autism issues that occur frequently throughout most autistic persons' lives.
Cheers for reading X
