Abortion and me

Hey readers,

 I'm lucky. I live in England and have the right to have an abortion if I want to. Many years ago before having children there was this one time when I chose to have an abortion. I was with my husband at the time, we weren’t married then but I was in my first year at university, dealing with crippling depression and had already attempted suicide. 

Then during the summer term, I was constantly sick and didn’t feel right, my period was late so did want most women would do in their 20s took a pregnancy test...it came back positive at that point I absolutely shit myself.

 I was terrified, I really didn’t think about children at this point and when I did I knew it was not the right time. It was just not right for me, I knew I was not mentally capable of looking after a child.

I did talk to my husband (boyfriend at the time) and we talked for a long time and he agree with me. He was a saint and supported me right through. We booked an appointment with BPAS and they did a scan and then talked me through the process. They then booked me in about a week later to go to the clinic to get an abortion.

It was a clinic not in the city I lived so had to travel to another city to get to the clinic. It was all very professional and didn’t feel judged by the staff. It was done within the afternoon, it felt odd after because literally, all the pregnancy symptoms cleared within the hours of that day – such as tiredness and sickness.

Although at the clinic I was not alone there were many other women like myself going for abortion and also I like to add that a lot travelled from Northern Ireland as it is illegal to have an abortion – so that just goes to show the lengths women will go to have a safe abortion.

One of the saddest parts for me of that day is when leaving the clinic there were prolifers protesting and calling us women all sorts of nasty names such as murders and that shit cuts deep.

Emotional though it took time to register the whole situation it felt a bit like limbo until it dawned on me that it did happen and then it hit me hard. I felt bad, it didn’t help that people that I thought I could trust that I told turned on me and called me a murder, a bad person...you know all the shitty comments people call you. It hurts because they know before the ordeal you went through and used that to get to you and they know it will.

Years later when I got pregnant again and went to the regular first scan I go to for 12 weeks to check everything I had a miscarriage. Because it was my first and no one really talks about miscarriage and I have crippling anxiety I had really intrusive thoughts like it is my thought it happened and it is a result of me having an abortion because I am a murderer.

Reflecting back I know this is just the anxiety getting me when I am in a vulnerable state, now being more aware and know actually miscarriage is more common than you may think.

Regardless of some of the negative aspects of my journey, I am grateful for the fact that living in England I can have the free choice to have a child or not. It is my choice and if I ever chose again to have an abortion I can do it safely without worrying that anything terrible will happen.

I believe women should have that choice and that is sad to see in America that it has gone backwards in time with 26 states making it illegal to ban abortion and now the changes are them women will still have an abortion but not in a safe environment. Like always it is mostly down to the white middle-class male telling us women how to live which is deeply sad.

Cheers for reading X 

 

autism and waiting

Hey readers,

I am already anxiously waiting but I am ok with it because it is arranged and in my mind, I have that set goal as it were but as soon as that changes I start to get really anxious. 

the more I don't know what is happening because people lack the ability to communicate or have this theory to see what happens which in this innocence I fucking hate. Because I already had a plan, I wanted to follow it through, I was anxious, it hasn't happened. It has changed now all my little markers of what is going to happen throughout the day are changed this has thrown me out of synch. 

It is so stressful as a parent with autism myself I have this extra guilt that I meant to be on top of it, ok it is fabricated from my own mind but some of it I get the scenes from some people who assume I am a little spoiled bitch. Yeah sometimes I am a twat but during times I can assure you I am not, these times when I am waiting are the hardest things I have to deal with as an autistic person. No matter how long I have been on this earth, it doesn't get any better. I get still frustrated, I still have meltdowns, I still lose my shit and reach breaking point because I just simply can't cope it, my mind can't cope with it. It is like a volcano watching it starts erupting when the change happens I cant calm it down especially when no one tells me what the hell is happening or gives me black and white answers. 

I think I am just livid at times because I am realling on other people which I hate. I hate it, I do. I am a control freak in that sense, I just don't like that control and I am not got that power the time it makes me so livid especially when some people can actually do something to help the situation and sit back and do sweet FA.

There is the element of the unknown, I don't like the unknown it's grey and it has answers... all the things I hate. I like exact, black and white, something that is definite. I am just rigid and flexible and that is my downfall, it is always been my struggle and it is where I hate waiting. People can't give me answers if things run late, where are they? How long are they going to be? I just get more and more anxious. As you keep reading you can feel the anxiety build-up and there is only so much someone with autism can manage because there is a lot of emotion to deal with and someone with autism is not good at managing emotions. The messy and hard, grey and unpredictable.  

Before you know it I am screaming because my body is too aroused with adrenal and anxiety, I want to run away but also want to scream fucking head off. Because quite frankly I am angry, I don't have the communication skills at this point just pure range. 

This now will mess up my day; the next day I will cripple with guilt and sadness. I will hate myself and everything that is autism. This is why I hate waiting and why it is such to wait as an autistic person because it is an emotional rollercoaster. 

Cheers for reading X 

My Sunday Photo 03/07/2022

My son performed with his class for a performance at Coventry Cathedral on Tuesday. 

How to deal with parental burnout.

Hey readers,

As parents we have all felt tired, it is a natural part of parenthood however parental burnout is slightly different as it can impact your health for long periods and it won't be cured simply by having a good night's sleep (of course that does help) but long term strategies need to be but in place to help you manage parental burnout on a day to day level. 

What is parental burnout?

When we are talking about parental burnout, we are referring to the physical, mental and emotional exhaustion that one feels from the chronic stress of parenting. I think being a parent you take on a lot of responsibility of looking after a child or children and trying your best to meet all the needs that can at times take its tolls on you.  I don't think it is talked about another because there is a lot of guilt and shame attached to feeling parental burnout that you won't open up due to fear of judgement which then makes the situation worse. 

Symptoms of parental burnout - burn in mind different levels can occur so it will depend on the person but this is just a general list of symptoms. 

* Brain fog. 

* Sort tempered. 

* Forgetfulness. 

*  Increased stress levels. 

*  Depression. 

*  Feelings of isolation. 

*  Obsessive-compulsive tendencies. 

* Decreased sex drive. 

* Hormonal imbalances. 

* Tensions and arguments with your spouse. 

* May feel not connected with your child, which can lead to emotional distance.  

How to manage burnout. 

1. Get enough sleep. 

Sleep is so important for your mental health and even as a parent at times it can be hard to always fit sleep in especially if you have a newborn just making a small power nap of 20 minutes can make a big difference to how we feel and regulate your emotions better. 

2. Talk to your partner. 

If you have a partner or close friend talk to them about how you are feeling, it may sound obvious but we don't always take the time to sit down and make effort to actually talk about how we really feel. It can be one of the best forms of support for preventing or alleviating parental burnout. 

3. Set boundaries - learn to easy no.

It is ok to say no and you do not have to say yes to everything. Remember who is the boss you do not have to say yes to everything your kid asks of you. Sometimes you have to stand your ground with your children and setting boundaries is vital for your own development. It's ok to not be popular with your kids all the time, it happens to all parents kids have to learn that carnet gets everything they want. 

4. Get some self-care incorporated into your routine.

The importance of incorporating self-care into your routine is a must for your own well-being. It is not selfish to do something for yourself from time to time and sometimes it can be better in the long run because needs are met. It is also ok to ask for help from people that offer and just making time to do things that you enjoy can really help reduce burnout and make you feel more relaxed in life. 

 

5. Be a good enough parent to lower expectations.

Instead of aiming to the perfect level of parenting aim for being a good enough parent and lower the expectation the weight will soon come off our shoulders. As long as kids are healthy, happy and loved then that's all that counts, it doesn't matter if they have the latest technology or branded clothing or going on a holiday because they have the foundations of a good childhood which is the most important. 

6. Go to your doctor. 

 

If it does all feel like it is getting too much then go further and speak to your GP and get the support you need, don't feel ashamed because they are there to help you. 

Have you ever dealt with parental burnout? What do you think you think of my tips on how to deal with parental burnout? Love to hear your thoughts in the comment section down below. 

Cheers for reading X 

Autistic Parenting.

Hey readers,

Since my son goes to school and one of the problems I struggle with being an autistic mum is socialising with other parents.

The dreaded waiting at the school gates with the deafening noise makes my head spin. I physically shake and want to stim so badly that I need to control myself in order to mask these problems I deal with.

I know you ask why, why don't I just be me. But it is not just me, it is my son as well. I am part of him and what I do influences him. Maybe not obviously but in the subtle ways with speaking to parents and getting that invite to a friend's birthday. People judge sadly and what I do can include or isolate him, as sad as society is.

The hard thing for me as a parent is to appear shy/enigma in order to not let people see the real me as I am hyperactive/spontaneous, and might not say the right thing. Laugh and be childish and not click with others.

No one ever prepares you for this and how it will influence your son's confidence. Will, I further fuck him up if I am me, should I hide away in order to make my son blend in better. Or should I be authentic as it provides my son with an understanding of disability and difference-making him more accepting of others that are different (not necessarily autistic)? Just one mould fit it appears in this modern culture I feel and that all problems should be hideaway as it still a taboo, to be honest with children without some professional having a fit and pretending that everything is fluffy and cosy in life.

These are the kind of decisions I have to make. I am currently taking a step back from school duties as the anxiety is so high and paranoia is kicking in.

They say life is too short and you should just do what the fear wants you not to do. But to what extent is this not a good idea anymore.

Baby steps are hard for me as it is grey, I am all or nothing and I find it hard once I have an idea in my head to stop myself from committing to it fully. Alternatively, I just shut down and have no interest in participating in the demotivated situation I have to face. All I want to close off, cry my eyes out, and feel is the point in doing it all. Should I have been a parent? do I have that right? and similar thoughts take over my thinking.

Nothing is ever clear, no right or wrong answers which for my autistic brain feels overwhelmed and can trigger a meltdown in order to try and regulate how I feel.

Autism is selfish or is it people don't see I am trying to work my ass off that little bit more as every day is a struggle and I have to make decisions fast.

it is frustrating when people think oh she doesn't look autistic she can walk down the road or she can communicate. When really most of it is planned, scheduled, and played out like a script. Most of the time I am blagging it with the information I hold from past experiences/observing or reading how others deal with this as a parent.

Don't judge me when you see me, I am scared because I don't know what I am doing.

I am not good with emotions, they are messy and I don't do messy.

I like order and structure, I like steps that have a sequence. When it is spontaneous and in no order I am scared and my anxiety reaches new heights.

SO this is what I am currently trying to work my way through and yeah I can do a course and have some rules. But then things change, situation/environmental/age, etc influence the shit I have to deal with. As we all know change is the enemy of an autistic person.

It is all very well having short stints of parenting courses to guild you but for an autistic person we need continuous support and sadly it is always because of the funds and people like to group everything in one category.

I always find it ironic that autistic people like logical order but that disability is so grey and complex it is unreal.

That is it that is one of the many battles I undergo as an autistic parent and we haven't even reached pubescent years.....oh what joy!

Cheers for reading X

My Sunday Photo 26/06/2022

Checking out the local exhibition: Be Yourself; Everyone Else is Already Taken by Daniel Lismore at the Lady Herbert Art Gallery in Coventry.

Reasons to love summer

Hey readers,

We have had a couple of days so naturally can’t help but get excited for the arrival of summer, I am British it is a thing and the fact that it properly me majority wet. That won’t stop me from celebrating all things summer.

1. sunshine. 

2. going to the beach. 

3. Ice cream. 

4. BBQs.

5. The light nights. 

6. Sandals. 

7. Ice cold drinks.

8. Tan lines. 

9. Warm sand. 

10. Looking at the stars. 

11. The sea. 

12. Swimming in the sea. 

13. Road trips.

14. Writing in the sand. 

15. Summer thunderstorms. 

16. Outdoor fun time. 

17. Long walks. 

18. Daisies everywhere. 

19. Sunsets. 

20. Fly a kite.

21. Hang out the washing. 

22. No homework.

23. Picnics. 

24. Eating alfresco. 

25. Blue skies.

26. Open windows. 

27. The summer breeze. 

28. Water fights. 

29. Hot tub. 

30. Go pick your own strawberries. 

31. Wild swimming. 

32. Having a coffee outside. 

33. People watching. 

34. Boost your mood. 

35. Slush puppies. 

36. Flowers in full bloom. 

37. Trees full of greenness. 

38. Don't have to wear a coat. 

39. Lighter meals. 

40. Salads.

 

41. Picky teas.

 

42. Not having to wear socks. 

43. The fact that everything feels more hopeful and better. 

44. Not having to wear loads of layers. 

45. Having more energy.

 

46. More time outdoors in the evening. 

What do you love about the summer? love to hear your thoughts in the comment section down below. 

Cheers for reading X