Fireworks

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

FIREWORKS

No surprises why, but it was lovely this year to watch the fireworks with the family.  I live on the 16th floor so can stay at home and watch it all from my balcony.  

Last year, there was hardly any for some strange reason. But this year it seemed quite spectacular. It was particularly good now that my youngest is a little bit older to appreciate them.

Both my boys loved the way the fireworks lit up in the sky with all the different colours.  We also had hot dogs and it has turned into a bit of tradition here so it was a great way to end the evening. 

I am so glad that we can see them at our home because how cold was it on Saturday night, blimey the heating was working overtime that night. I have to really motivate myself to leave the home as I much prefer to be at home all warm and snugly.

Cheers for reading X

Social anxiety kicks in!

Hey readers,

Today I attempted to a volunteer place but totally failed at it and now I feel like a fool. 

It was an admin role but it was in an open arena with different people at different desks etc. and I just felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable paranoid and anxious. 

I was so anxious that I had a panic attack. I felt so claustrophobic in that room. Like a fish in a glass bowl and everyone was staring at me. It is the most horrendous and intense feeling ever. 

I just could not handle it mentally. I don't do small talk and the things I think about talking about are not appropriate. I think it is anxiety that does that. 

I just could not handle it and just went into flight or fight response. I forgot how bad my social anxiety can be, I have not been in this type of social situation for a long time.

I hate myself and now I am beating myself up about it. I know when I have cooled down and talked sense to myself I will see it from a different perspective but right now, at this moment, I am really down and emotional.

I feel that my response and lack of ability make me a bad person, incapable and a failure. For a brief second, I was tempted to jump in front of a train. Don't worry I won't but I want to be frank and real. This is real life going through the motions. You have a warped view of yourself and what you ' believe' others think. 

I feel I am less of a person because I can’t do this role because I view success on whether I have a job or not and feel that what society views as a good person or parent. This message feels even more present currently through the media when we are heading towards the general elections. 

I feel I have let myself down and my children. Why can't I accept that I am autistic and some things are hard? I would never, ever expect a person who is confined in a wheelchair to just get up and walk.  That does not stop me from being so hard on myself because the stigma is still prevalent and I don’t in normal life discuss really autism because to be perfectly honest I am embarrassed and ashamed. I feel guilty and let down.

 I know you’re going to say I shouldn’t feel like this but I do and I have experienced people judging me so it is hard to change. Though on a positive note it is something I am working on, it takes time especially when it damages you so emotionally. The treatment is still discriminator out there, people see mental illness or invisibility as a negative and something that makes you less of a person.

I think I am also scared with regards to autism as it was reported in the news that NHS are diagnosis fewer children with less severe autism. What next I feel like autism is misunderstood and I am scared for myself and others about what the fortune holds. 

Cheers for reading X

 

 

Running

​Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

RUNNING

Because for the last four weeks I have been running. I have decided to run as a form of exercise. I downloaded the c25k app and it is the best thing I have ever done!

I love running outside in the fresh air, it is free and good to clear your head. I like the fact I am getting fitter and building stamina. I definitely can say I have caught the running bug. If I can do it then anyone can do, lol!

In other news, it is the week the boys return to school and nursery. I love having them at home but by God, it is lovely to have some 'me time' and peace to think for a bit. 

Talking of school, it means the return of so many letters. I have had FIVE letters in the space of four days, seriously why can't we just let kids play like the happy people of Denmark do, tsk! Rant over!

Cheers for reading X 

Wales

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

WALES

Because we have had a lovely few days in Wales seeing the inlaws and making memories away with the kiddos!

We went to the beach, walked around woodlands and saw some waterfalls. Not to mention fish and chips and ice-cream because otherwise, it wouldn't be a holiday 😂 !

I so needed a break though and it has been so refreshing to get away and step back from normal life.

Though tomorrow normal service will resume with doing a ton of washing/drying/putting away. standard mum life really but at least I get to catch up on my programmes and chill in my home again.

Cheers for reading X

Ftmob - October

Hey readers,

Hubby shared a chat he had with my eldest early, "I wish mummy didn't have autism. Can't Dr's give her medication to make it go away". How to feel shit in fice seconds. It breaks my heart that I am now getting noticed by my son with being different, I suppose this is the start of things to come.

My eldest asking," why do so many people get cremated it's silly!". 

My DS1 saying, "I wish we could live in Wales forever and never come back". Yep me too son I wish I could totally run away from it all at times :|.

I attempted to make a joke to my DS1 saying I would leave him in the car all by himself. His response was that it is illegal to leave children alone in the car and the police will put you in jail mummy.

As we were driving past the graveyard the other day way DS2 comments, "boo". this is because he thinks the tear ghosts there, 😂 

Cheers for reading X

Knackered

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

KNACKERED

This is because I have been sleeping badly due to my son going through a horrible period waking up several times a night and overtime really dampens everything.

However, we did get to go to the pumpkin farm and have fun picking our own one. We have a massive one, even though cheeky hubby told me it was the same as last years, it was clearly not! Still, the boys are going to have fun carving the pumpkin on Saturday.

We also got a green pumpkin as it is the best one for making pumpkin tart, so hopefully, that is something fun we can do in the half term.

Which as it is half-term coming up looking forward to a break from the constant letters/homework etc that seems to be continuous, jeez it's hardcore now they are at school.

Cheers for reading X

ftmob

Hey readers,
Joining in with some clippets of conversation with the boys.
My ds1 joke, "How do you make bacon? By killing a piggy 🐷!" 
"If all children die together becuase of gun shooting in America then they can have a funeral together". My eldest son comment after taking about gin crime originally around police carrying guns. Jeez it is a web of questions how the heck you got here.
"Mummy more Octonauts please", ny you youngest asks me a million times aday. But at least now he is getting.more words in a sentence.
My eldest had a new catchphrase and constantly says to me, "everything going to be alright".
Everytime the internet video is loading my eldest says, ' circle of doom". Which is a phase he learnt of his daddy!
Cheers for reading X