Tuesday, 31 July 2018

I am a slug!

Hey readers,

I promised to write more positive posts but then I would not be true to myself. I don't want to give the impression my life is all lovely and full of flowers when really it can be pretty crap being autistic and trying to cope.

DSC_0622.JPG My brain is dead!

One of the things I seem to struggle is finding my mojo....whereever you are please come back soon, I miss the buzz of the get-up and go!

I feel meh....I know it is only a feeling and that too shall pass. But right now it is hard work to get up and go. I wish I had motivation but having quite an emotional week with downers and feeling well suicidal at one point. 

I kept thinking life would be much better if I wasn't here, I f*ck up too much. Don't worry it was a brief moment when I was right down low and I wanted me to take me.

 I am still here fighting. I am always fighting and you know what it is bloody tiring. I have to battle my thoughts and try to get on with it and during the summer holiday, it is more intense.

I am sure I will feel better soon, emotions are exhausting and you need time to heal. I sure do, I am exhausting, I just want to stop thinking for a bit. I am constantly planning and preparing because if I don't then I stumble, badly. 

Communication, as I have said previously in posts, is something I struggle with, even if it is with people I know. I tend to have a catalogue or format in my head on how to speak. 

Sometimes, I am too exhausted. You could call me anti-social - which would be true. However, space is a big thing for me, I am an introvert by heart and I have come to accept that. I need calm and quiet to move forward.
I suppose writing this out, it has helped clear my thoughts and made me realise that the one thing I need is rest. I need time to heal. It is important to me and it will help greatly.

  I used to be embarrassed by the fact that the social aspect of life makes me so tired and frequently need that rest. 

I think because of a lot of mental energy and that soon saps away especially if I am working harder as I don't have the correct natural skills to do the communicating so many people so automatic and they don't have to even think about.

Sometimes, we have to stop and have a break. It just feels that everywhere there is this notion that you have to be on the go 24-7 but that isn't the case? 

I suppose that is why the slow movement has been come popular and a lot of people like myself are getting tired of this fast pace called life.

I think one of the hardest things for me as an autistic is to accept that some things will always be a struggle and that they do tire me.

 I need to learn to rest and not see myself as a failure because of this. I am sure people don't look at people with a broken leg or whatever and view them as not thriving. 

I just have to work around my limitations and do what can do. At least I can say I have tried.

Cheers for reading X

Sunday, 29 July 2018

My Sunday Photo 29/07/2018

IMG_4958.JPG

Thursday, 26 July 2018

Change

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:


First of to kick start the summer hols on day son decides to run in the kitchen with the tablet and accidentally drop it on the floor. Restyling in leaving a wonderful massive crack on the tablet, excellent stuff.

We decided to try out the camping for one night this week and sadly I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't cope with the whole situation due to my autism. SO now I feel pretty crappy about myself about the whole situation that I am not good parent again because I cannot do what normal people do. 

I had a meltdown because of all the stresses and I worry that my husband thinks I'm a right diva but I'm not I just can't cope with the situation. I am useless with change and dealing with new environments especially when it involves waiting around. It just a big massive trigger for me.


Cheers for reading X

Thursday, 19 July 2018

End

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:


because it is finally the end of the summer term and glad for a break because both I and the boys are shattered. why is it at the end of the year I just feel washed out.

Hubby has benefits sorting out camping as we are doing it again this year. I struggle with spending days away with my autism so we are going to have to small holidays in the UK, making it more manageable for me and my health. I am blessed that my eldest is so understanding with me and how I am.

I can not believe also that now both my boys will be going to school in September, eek! Also means having to pay for two sets of school shoes, joy!

Husband has been helping at my son's beaver class and he is now an official leader. I predicted he would by the end of the year, I love it when. I am right haha.


Cheers for reading X

Friday, 13 July 2018

Singing.

Hey readers,

my word of the week is:


This is because my son has spent a large proportion of his time at school and home practising for his singing performance at school on Wednesday.

Due to his autism, his anxiety was through the roof so we have been finding ways to calm that done. He loves the singing element.

Thank goodness for YouTube for where he can listen to the song and practice at home
.
In other good news, he went to London on a school day trips and loved it. ever since he was younger he has been obsessed with London.

DS1 also receded his star of the week for reflecting and looking back on how much he has improved over the school year.

DS2 had started his swimming lessons this week and it has really helped him with his confidence. He also went to his second induction for his new school which he is super excited when using his nursery friend that he plays with all the time is going to be in the same class.

I have been enjoying the cooler end of the week and to be finally getting to sleep at night after it being so muggy at the start.

Cheers for reading X

Sunday, 8 July 2018

My Sunday Photo 08/07/2018

Thursday, 5 July 2018

Events

Hey readers,

This weeks word of the week is


because there has been so much on. First, my eldest had his sports day. Was really pleased that he is learning to not get bogged down with the whole winning but focusing on just enjoying the sports.

My youngest had his first taster session at school this week and he loved it. He loved all the activities and just being in the same school as his big brother. Both boys were happy to find that the youngest is going to be in the same reception class that the eldest when he first started. Simple pleasures eh when you are young.

In other news, my eldest had his school parents review to see how he has been getting on during the summer term. He has been meeting his targets which is good because we were worried. 

When my ds1 comes how he frequently says that he gets zero for his spelling at least we know now that not to be the case and he is doing alright. The way his anxiety was really got us worried. So that gave us some reassurance.


Cheers for reading X

Sunday, 1 July 2018

My Sunday Photo 01/07/2018

IMG_3425
IMG_3469
IMG_3471

Thursday, 28 June 2018

Summer

Hey, readers,

my word of the week is:


because it is now officially summer and boy does the weather let us know. This weekend has been busy with clubs and kids parties, my eldest has been super exhausted during the week due to hectic weekend shenanigans.

DS1 also got to see his school artwork on display in a local public venue last night and he was super chuffed that he got his work chosen for it. Not just that but this week at beavers he got his gardening badge, which he loves because the design on it involves a watering can.

DS2 has been enjoying nursery with seeing the dentist giving our information and an exciting visit from the fire engine. He has been so chatty now to everyone so it is lovely to see his confidence grow. He will soon be leaving nursery next month and start school in September with his brother.


Cheers for reading X

Sunday, 24 June 2018

My Sunday Photo 24/06/2018

The boy loves Tigger. He cuddles Tigger at night. He was blown away when he saw this massive Tigger in a charity shop!

DSC_0287.JPG

Wednesday, 20 June 2018

Wordless Wednesday

Sunday, 17 June 2018

My Sunday Photo 17/06/2018

Thursday, 14 June 2018

changes to life

Hey readers,

In less than, a few days both my boys will have broken up from Nursery and school, which means its official summer holiday. That is right peeps six whole weeks, argh.

As much as I love my little darlings and spending time with them, they can be a right royal pain, I think the most annoying thing is the constant bickering and it can get relentless. So, I have come up with some tips on how not to lose your sh*t during the summer holidays.

Firstly, remember that as adults it is still ok to have time out, actually, I would put it up there as essential basic needs for a parent ;) I often have to have five minutes or else my head would explode into tiny pieces.

Get out even if it is to the park every single day it will save not only your sanity but your children.
Sit on a wall someone suitable and play car game - 5 points if you can spot a red/blue/green whatever is a great game to do outdoors and again it gets you outside.

As you know I am a massive fan of the library/museum or free places they bring so much joy to my heart. They are also a frigging lifesaver when you are skint and check out your local community service as they have free events for kids during the summer.

Don't feel guilty if you have the TV on. I have the motto as a parent whatever helps you get through the day, obviously, I would crack but TV is a real lifesaver in parents hour of need. Remember it is a holiday, don't feel you have to constantly be doing something with your child. Sometimes, you have to say now go and play or watch something. 

It promotes independent thinking and ever since the day I stopped the guilt of feeling I needed to entertain children it got a hell of a lot better for everyone. Also, can I mention with time they did actually learn their own thing which is brilliant?

Sunday, 10 June 2018

My Sunday Photo 10/06/2018

Sunday, 3 June 2018

My Sunday Photo 03/06/2018

Sunday, 27 May 2018

My Sunday Photo 27/05/2018

Friday, 25 May 2018

Hey readers,

Today I feel a bit lonely, though not in the sense where I want to mingle with people. More isolating, knowing that I am different and that sense of not being 'good enough'.

 Often I can ignore or distract myself from focusing on negativity. But today is a struggle. I just feel like I can not function like the rest of society. I feel my inadequacies.... they feel so loud in my head, they might not be real but they feel real to me and today it hurts.

black brush strokes on white paper

I have always battled with being autisitic...it is tough going, after a tough long week of challenges with a little fight left it can defeat you. 

I think one of my problems so I am not often relaxed in situations such as having to go to the school assembly, this is where I feel most insecure. I don't feel right and I feel like everyone is watching me. 

I know I  am probably being narcissistic and changes are no one is, no one cares, hey even some may feel similar.
At the time it feels scary, and because my anxiety is on that super alert it is hard to come down without the good old meltdown. 

Yes to that question I did have an epic meltdown, it is all I could do. Then I took my laptop and wrote my thoughts. No real answers, it is merely a record of how I am feeling.

I feel not amazing but cathartic, now I am going off for a tea, cause let's face it, tea doesn't cure feeling crap but sure makes the painless hard to bear.

Cheers for reading X

Saturday, 19 May 2018

My Sunday Photo 19/05/2018

Sunday, 13 May 2018

My Sunday Photo 13/05/2018

Sunday, 29 April 2018

My Sunday Photo 29/04/2018

IMG_0065