Singing

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

This is because my eldest has been practising all his new songs and singing every night. He has a Christmas performance next week and is really authentic about it. 

He is super excited to be performing so I have to spend a lot of my evenings hearing him singing away at a very high pitch ;)

In other news, we got our tree up and that was fun decorating it with the boys. Although, shhh, me and hubby later in the evening re-arranged the decorations or else it would look somewhat uneven. Which is fine but at top looks so bare, haha!

I have also nearly done all the Christmas present shopping, whoop. We need to get the main present which is a doll's house from Asda. Which I am super excited as hubby finally caved in and we are going to be getting it. It is massive but luckily we have found a suitable for it to live.

Cheers for reading X

Wet

Hey readers,

My word of the week is :

WET

This is because this weather we have been experiencing recently has been wet and dame right miserable.

I hate leaving the house when it is bitterly cold but still I have to do the school run, boo. I  look like a drowned rat, I am so cold after getting drenched in the wet.

It has dampened my mood, I feel a bit meh, maybe because it a time of the month to boot.

Right now, I have no motivation, other than to snuggle down in a blanket and close all the blinds and forget about the world.

One thing I do love when it is so grim outside is comfort food. We have a pork joint and I am overly excited about that being cooked in the oven. I can't wait to have gravy and mash. 

To me, that is the ultimate in-home comforts. Well, and fluffy socks is the second winner.

Cheers for reading X

Unknown Territory

Hey readers,

One of the big issues with my Autism is anxiety particularly when I go to a new place. So I shall tell you about such an incident so you can get a feel want it is like for me personally.

I took my boys to the zoo this week and as much as I love the outdoors/wildlife the new situation caused me to feel very anxious.

When we went to the zoo it was half term so it was super busy. Also, I had not been out as a family for a while to somewhere new therefore contributing to making me feel even more anxious.

I get overwhelmed with being in new places because I have to take in all my environment.

I feel powerless as I don't know what to expect as it is a new place.

The zoo that day was very loud and busy causing me to get stressed very quickly especially when I have also got to look after my boys.

Another factor causing me to feel anxious was getting caught up in a crowded area. This can make me feel very claustrophobic causing me to feel like running away and hiding.

The noise levels cause my ears to ring.

I can only cope with so many people touching me. Not in a perverse way you must understand but just the sensation of other people touching my skin by brushing past. It makes my skin crawl and itchy.

Having to deal with my son screaming with tantrums and dealing with paranoia due to not having the skills to read facial expressions correctly. Because I have low self-confidence I feel very negative and worry about what others are thinking of me when they stare at me.

Having to deal with negotiating and calming my son down when I am anxious is something I have to work really hard at. It is very draining for me when I am out that it affects me the next day and I feel dead to the world.

Getting lost and disorientated not knowing where I am in the zoo does not help and makes me panicky.

I find not knowing when the event will end is a struggle for me because it being ambiguous and not having a plan heightens my anxiety.

In the beginning, I enjoyed the animals however I did have a mild meltdown due to the overwhelming. This is a result of all the factors I explained previously adding up and turning into a high anxiety situation. So much so that I could not communicate clearly and needed to leave due to a lack of skills to cope with the situation.

However, when I did calm down and my husband discussed what we could have done to make the situation better.

1) Take diazepam.

2) come back during a weekday and not in half term when it is busy.

3) should have got a map to work out where we are going.

4 Planning more structure with getting a plan online and working out where we are going and incorporating lunch.

5) Include a coffee break so we can have a drink and refresh.

If anyone has any other suggestions please feel to share as we are returning in a couple weeks again as we have a free return ticket.

Cheers for reading X

 

Battle

I am so tired,

Can someone take it away,

I don't feel like fighting,

This battle inside.

Light

Hey readers,

 

My word of the week is:

 

 Light

 

This is because I have had a hell of a year emotionally especially impacting on my family big time. I learnt to move on and let things go. I have been judged, tested and challenged but all in all I am still hear. I have made progress with moving forward. I have found hope and my days are starting to look bright. I an now starting to look forward to the future. I still have depression I won't lie but I an getting to grips with managing it. There will still be shit days, but I take things day by day.
I still will have meltdowns but I can control my life a lot better. I didn't know how this year would end but slowly as a family we are moving into a much happier place. I feel I have had a really interesting and reflective week hence devaluation of year. However, talking about the past and has made me feel positive, motivated and determined to be a better person and a mother. Most of all though I feel that I can now finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Cheers for reading X

Fireworks

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

FIREWORKS

No surprises why, but it was lovely this year to watch the fireworks with the family.  I live on the 16th floor so can stay at home and watch it all from my balcony.  

Last year, there was hardly any for some strange reason. But this year it seemed quite spectacular. It was particularly good now that my youngest is a little bit older to appreciate them.

Both my boys loved the way the fireworks lit up in the sky with all the different colours.  We also had hot dogs and it has turned into a bit of tradition here so it was a great way to end the evening. 

I am so glad that we can see them at our home because how cold was it on Saturday night, blimey the heating was working overtime that night. I have to really motivate myself to leave the home as I much prefer to be at home all warm and snugly.

Cheers for reading X

Social anxiety kicks in!

Hey readers,

Today I attempted to a volunteer place but totally failed at it and now I feel like a fool. 

It was an admin role but it was in an open arena with different people at different desks etc. and I just felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable paranoid and anxious. 

I was so anxious that I had a panic attack. I felt so claustrophobic in that room. Like a fish in a glass bowl and everyone was staring at me. It is the most horrendous and intense feeling ever. 

I just could not handle it mentally. I don't do small talk and the things I think about talking about are not appropriate. I think it is anxiety that does that. 

I just could not handle it and just went into flight or fight response. I forgot how bad my social anxiety can be, I have not been in this type of social situation for a long time.

I hate myself and now I am beating myself up about it. I know when I have cooled down and talked sense to myself I will see it from a different perspective but right now, at this moment, I am really down and emotional.

I feel that my response and lack of ability make me a bad person, incapable and a failure. For a brief second, I was tempted to jump in front of a train. Don't worry I won't but I want to be frank and real. This is real life going through the motions. You have a warped view of yourself and what you ' believe' others think. 

I feel I am less of a person because I can’t do this role because I view success on whether I have a job or not and feel that what society views as a good person or parent. This message feels even more present currently through the media when we are heading towards the general elections. 

I feel I have let myself down and my children. Why can't I accept that I am autistic and some things are hard? I would never, ever expect a person who is confined in a wheelchair to just get up and walk.  That does not stop me from being so hard on myself because the stigma is still prevalent and I don’t in normal life discuss really autism because to be perfectly honest I am embarrassed and ashamed. I feel guilty and let down.

 I know you’re going to say I shouldn’t feel like this but I do and I have experienced people judging me so it is hard to change. Though on a positive note it is something I am working on, it takes time especially when it damages you so emotionally. The treatment is still discriminator out there, people see mental illness or invisibility as a negative and something that makes you less of a person.

I think I am also scared with regards to autism as it was reported in the news that NHS are diagnosis fewer children with less severe autism. What next I feel like autism is misunderstood and I am scared for myself and others about what the fortune holds. 

Cheers for reading X

 

 

Running

​Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

RUNNING

Because for the last four weeks I have been running. I have decided to run as a form of exercise. I downloaded the c25k app and it is the best thing I have ever done!

I love running outside in the fresh air, it is free and good to clear your head. I like the fact I am getting fitter and building stamina. I definitely can say I have caught the running bug. If I can do it then anyone can do, lol!

In other news, it is the week the boys return to school and nursery. I love having them at home but by God, it is lovely to have some 'me time' and peace to think for a bit. 

Talking of school, it means the return of so many letters. I have had FIVE letters in the space of four days, seriously why can't we just let kids play like the happy people of Denmark do, tsk! Rant over!

Cheers for reading X 

Wales

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

WALES

Because we have had a lovely few days in Wales seeing the inlaws and making memories away with the kiddos!

We went to the beach, walked around woodlands and saw some waterfalls. Not to mention fish and chips and ice-cream because otherwise, it wouldn't be a holiday 😂 !

I so needed a break though and it has been so refreshing to get away and step back from normal life.

Though tomorrow normal service will resume with doing a ton of washing/drying/putting away. standard mum life really but at least I get to catch up on my programmes and chill in my home again.

Cheers for reading X

Knackered

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

KNACKERED

This is because I have been sleeping badly due to my son going through a horrible period waking up several times a night and overtime really dampens everything.

However, we did get to go to the pumpkin farm and have fun picking our own one. We have a massive one, even though cheeky hubby told me it was the same as last years, it was clearly not! Still, the boys are going to have fun carving the pumpkin on Saturday.

We also got a green pumpkin as it is the best one for making pumpkin tart, so hopefully, that is something fun we can do in the half term.

Which as it is half-term coming up looking forward to a break from the constant letters/homework etc that seems to be continuous, jeez it's hardcore now they are at school.

Cheers for reading X

Flawed

I'm flawed,

I'm raw,

My eyes are raw

Going through the emotions,

Change is a big deal,

Something that can't be gone.

embrace it

embrace it

own it,

it's yours,

acknowledge it

don't reject it,

celebrate the flaws,

because it's yours.

Adventure

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

ADVENTURE

Because we have had some fun with having a picnic and watching the Flying Scotsman and the volcano which was lovely to be in the open air. I also had a playdate so had five kids in my home which for me is a very anxious time. 

This is new territory for me as  I was the one who arranged it even though I was very anxious about it because of my autism. But went well and my son loved playing with his friends so it was worth all the anxieties to see his face.

On Tuesday I started a course for a bit of me-time in the evening all about watercolours and drawing l. It is great to try something new for myself and my wellbeing.  I am not sure if I will be any good at it but it is getting me out there challenging myself.

The rest of the time in between I have been flat out with a cold. It so frustrating as my energy is very low. Hopefully, I will shift it soon as such an unconvinced when I am a mum ;)

Cheers for reading X 

Darker

​Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

DARKER

This is because it has slowly been getting that bit by bit darker, which I have been enjoying as it is my favourite time of the year.

I have loved cooler evenings, watching more films, reading more, snuggles under the throws and pillows.

Anyway, I shall also mention my eldest who has started to really enjoy reading his books and learning to write his name. He loves reading his book from school to us and his brother. 

There are as no words in the book and he just loves chatting away in great detail about all the things that are happening in the picture.

 As someone who learnt to read and write at the age of 10, I know how important it is and you could say I am a little more encouraging then to help enjoy it.

 Though to be fair to the boy doesn't really need much encouragement at all as he has such much love for learning that I don't have to worry! 

Cheers for reading X 

Starting School

Hey readers,
My eldest starts a new chapter in his life in September. He starts school and here is when it is a turning point, where I worry about what will happen when social pressure rears it's ugly head.
I have already seen the impact of my sons decisions he has made based on the influence of his nursery friends. Small things but noticeable things. Such as he randomly wanting a England football t-shirt because his friend had one. He wanted it right down to the same number on the back of the top. I am fine with him having choice and pleased that he knows what he wants.  But I also know the power of peer pressure and the need we may have to want to fit in. I worry how it will impact on my son. I would love him to have the confidence to be his own person. I would love him not to be swayed by others but sadly we are reaching that point that you lose a tiny bit of your child and now we now simply have to adjust to the ever changing direction of my son's journey through childhood.
It is scary and I do worry whether my son will get bullied or he will bully others. That being said he might not be either of this, which would be brilliant.
You think you know  your child until you have an opportunity to secretly watch them out of sight and you realise that they are slowly becoming their own person. What you think you know of your child can be totally wrong especially in a different environment such as nursery. I have witnessed some behaviour in my son that I would not see in is home environment.
I just hope me and my husband can teach our son that he can be his own person and that if he does not want to do something that he can say no. I want him to know he can always trust myself and his dad and we are always there  to talk if at all he feels anxious or needs advice.
It is awful to let go of being primary carer and allow other people to come along and be my son's life to influence. I can not now at the tender age of five wrap him in cotton wool all the time though I can give hot chocolate and cuddles when needed. Lets face it one day my son won't be a  child, he will grow into his own person where he will have to stand on his own two feet. All I can do is trust and hope that he turns out not too damaged. regardless of whatever path my son takes he knows that he is loved and accepted for who he is.
I suppose it is not just  a turning point in his life but a new chapter for me as a parent when my son slowly grows further in to independence and I am not needed as much as a guidance but just a warm hand of support.
cheers for reading X

Routine

Hey Readers,

My word of the week is:

This is because my son on Monday started full days at nursery. I have learnt to adapt this week to the changes of times when collecting and dropping off my boy. 

I also have to get the other child in my life goes to nursery

.

As my son eats a main meal at school I have also had to change the meal times which is a bit frustrating when you have to adapt.

 Especially when going out shopping then trying to rush an about in the kitchen like a crazy woman.

In other news my youngest this week he seems to be having the most awful tantrums that can last for like 10-15 mins. It is unusual as he normally doesn't last three minutes usually. Oh boy, do they hurt your ears as they are frequent causing me to be so tired having to deal with the drama? 

When we picked up my eldest he decided to have a fit because I would not get him an ice-cream from the shop. 

So all the way back from the school to the home he whaled and screeched. I hope this is a short period and hope it is linked just from tiredness at the return of going to nursery.

Hope you enjoyed your week.

Cheers for reading X

Brrrr

Hey Readers,

My word of the week is:

because oh my word it is bloody freezing at night and I am terribly British and love to moan about all things weather-related, why the hell not. Though, I am still refusing to turn the heating on until November, unless it is awful then I may be weakened to do it. I am so tight...haha!

But I have enjoyed fluffy socks, cosy pjs and dressing gowns. Cuddling under the throws and not really wanting to leave the home because it is so horribly cold with that eastly wind. I do quite like the feeling of being safe inside whilst looking out of the window at the grey clouds hovering around aimlessly.

I have also enjoyed recently buying a few bits and bobs for Halloween, it is so fun and the boys have loved wearing their Halloween dressing up outfits. My eldest has decided he is called 'Bone Man' as he wears his Halloween outfit with all the bones every night.

 It also glows in the dark so we have had fun running around crazy but at least it has kept them entertained for a little while.

Cheers for reading X

compassion

I am here,

With my listening ear,

I know how it feels

The hurt and upset,

I understand,

I want to help,

Even if it is to just listen.

Walking

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

WALKING

This is because the sun has been shining and the boys have mainly requesting to visit the park. I took advance now as we all know that rain will eventually greet us!

I have been forcing myself out when sometimes like to hide away because you know people are scary ;)! 

I digress I have been upping up my walking and pushing myself that little more. We went out as a family for a walk for two-three hours and it has been fun. Where we live locally there is a Plantasia and a maze world. 

There is a cute little farm and we even got to see the little baby chicken which was super cute!

In other news, I don't whether it is a phase or not but my eldest has really been pushing my buttons the past two weeks. he has proper got an attitude and speaking back. 

I struggle to keep calm and not get wound up. So I had a couple of times take myself away as I am learning to with new challenge. Parenting never-ending challenges that we have to deal 

with and adapt, joy!

Hope you had a good week.

Cheers for reading X

Preparation

Hey readers,

Well my word of the week is:

This is because we have been slowly buying the items of the LONG list of stuff to get my boy for school for  September. 

He got his plimsolls which are needed for P.E. this week and he was super excited when trying them on that I don't think he wanted to take them off. Brings backs so many memories of me wearing the ghastly things at school way back when...

We are umming and arring when to get his school shoes from Clarke's. I know they cost more but we think it is important to get comfy and well-fitted shoes especially being in school for such a long period of time. 

But we don't want to get them too early in case he grows out of them!

We also checked out a new park locally to us this week. It is not a massive park but it is a new one that we have not explored before. I think it is a lovely place, especially as there is a big green space to have picnics.

I must try harder in looking at venturing out and seeing more of what my city has to offer. My son really enjoyed it when we went as I was brave in letting him take his scooter. 

Especially on the bus, as for me makes me feel a bit anxious with space etc. However, it went well so that was all good and it gives me a boost in my self-esteem.

Hope you had a good week.

Cheers for reading X