Cycles

Hey readers,

I am writing this whilst I go through a hyper-focus period. I can't sleep, my mind is so wired. Instead, I am writing this post whilst listening to old David Bowie interviews - just off the record such a good interviewee and has really interesting thoughts.

Anyhow, I feel like I go through periods in my life where I experience different types of emotions and states of minds. I guess we all do but for me and my autism, it feels stronger and less diluted in the intensity.

When I get to the start of by an obsession of me and it causes me to be I go in lockdown and want to know everything there is regarding that obsession I have. The types of obsession I experience is fact-based such as a person like David Bowie or the Victorian era is my current recent one. I fixate on a person more the mechanisms of the history of their legacy as it were. I watch and read loads until I get something else stuck in my head to obsess. However, this period is short lived until I have exhausted myself out of all the information possible that I can find or I get bored and move onto another obsession. I also notice when I start my obsession I tend to have a lot of uncertainties around me, it feels like comfort and something to focus on that is solid rather the very uncertainties of my life.

However, there comes a point where I lose sleep because I have too much energy that I basically need to burn off in order to get back the equilibrium in mind settings. Which again is very common for someone with autism I have found when reading about other peoples experiences on the topic of obsessions and autism.

After I have allowed myself to be recuperated I get a send of under-stimulation - which personally is worse than over stumbled because I feel more alive when I am wired then bored and need something to focus on.

This pattern repeats itself unless I am depressed or suicidal (don't worry this has happened a handful of times) I tend to be more of a moper and feel sorry for myself. It takes a lot of energy to keep on top of my emotional health. 

The energy supply can only last so long. It is something I have to keep on check or else I get burnt out or have a meltdown, the latter is worse because it is emotionally drained. At least with a shut down I literally do that and not use any energy to do anything else but hide away for a while in my room until I have the energy to get back up and carry on again. 

So, that is where I am at. I get frustrated at times because I see people who are bobbing along Inn the middle.i just feel I am fighting between two extremes. I guess that is just the way that my brain is wired with the either all or nothing. I just got to ride it out.

Cheers for reading X

My Sunday photo 18/11/2018

My Sunday Photo 11/11/2018

Hey readers,

My word is:

I don't know why but every year I get worked up about Christmas and I have to get all the presents sorted out. I tend to get very stressed because it is a chance and that stresses me out.

It doesn't help that things have gone wrong and you need to find the money to replace them, sod's law and all that. I wish I had savings but too poor for that. So, you worry about it all. Anyhow that has been sorted and is a huge relief. But the other night I spend writing and rewriting lists as it calms me. I just go into panic mode because I gotta kind of thing outside of the box and try to budget. 

I think because everywhere Christmas is being pushed now after Halloween has been done and dusted. anyhow, I got it all planned and feel back in control.

Cheers for reading X

What now.

I'm frustrated,

angry l,

and not in control.

the dread keeps me awake.

my eyes pinged,

on edge, I stay,

not knowing

but just waiting.

More harm then good.

There are times when I want to walk out the door, run away and vanish.

I don't have the strength and it hurts is not good enough.

I suck at living and sometimes I don't want to be here.

I want to hide away somewhere dark,

 quiet where no one can reach me.

It feels like an ongoing battle which constantly I need to fight.

It tires me out and I feel so alone and feel like I the only one.

This is my reality I have to live day in day out and it is exhausting.

Sometimes, I just want to die because I cause more harm than good.

Tiring!

Hey readers,

My word of the week is :

This is because my eldest has been really pushing mine and my husband's buttons. 

Something about the weekend and he goes ballistic and one of the reasons could be that he has been suppressing a lot of how he feels from school. 

He mentioned early this week that he had a headache all the time from the top down to the bottom of his head. He said he feels scared all the time and I think it is down to anxiety that is causing it. Not sure if he is saying that because at the moment his emotions are high or if this is actually 100 % true. 

Of course, the school are pretty useless and any time they see my son after school have a meltdown they turn the other way because they don't want to acknowledge it because let's face it getting help = money.

Anyhow enough politics there I had my flu jab this week and my arm has a cracking brush, fingers crossed it protects me through the winter.

Hope hope you have had a good week.

cheers for reading X

Rollercoster

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

because my emotions have been very up-down. I have felt frustrated with the school regarding my son and feeling like I am fighting a battle. I have been struggling with depression (but won't depress you with that).

 I have also had some happy moments because depression is not always a straight line and mental health is very messy.

I was proud of my son this week as he received marvellous reader award from school. He hadn't needed to be asked to read this week because he has been really loving Roald Dhal Revolting rhymes, he was hooked. I also dug out Dirty Beasts by Roald Dhal this week and he was hooked. He loves the funny dark side of tales, which is a very good choice in my opinion....lol.

Also, this week I and hubby had a checky date night during a school night, haha. We went to see Simon Evans at Loughborough. It was a good night and just h tonic needed for both of us.

Hope you have had a good week.

Cheers for reading X

My Sunsay Photo 07/10/2018

Review of the Biscuit Baron *AD*

Hey readers,

ADVERTORIAL.

There are so many different subscriptions to chose from if want to see something exciting in the post every month. However, have you heard of The Biscuit Baron, well if not let me tell you it is something little bit different.

The biscuit Baron is a subscription box that provides biscuits from different countries every month. The company knows that biscuits are a love for British people and they want to explore further with how different countries like their biscuits.

What does the subscription box contain?

* 5-8 full-size packets of biscuits (with one savoury option included).

* A score chart to rate each biscuit on a scale from 1-10, a great activity to do with family or friends.

* A fact sheet with information from the country and a little bit of history.

Pricing.

There are several opinions you can just from a one-off plan with no renewal to 1,3,6 or 12-month subscription plan. Subscription boxes start from £15 per box, coming down to £13.33 for long-term plans and that includes the delivery in that price as well.

My verdict.

At first, I thought it was a bit expensive but then I thought of other subscription boxes and what you get in them (some of the miniature items) this was good value. I received five items and them full size as well so I thought it was a great way to try out new foods from different countries with a twist.

I like the fact that you get some new information from the country and I really had great fun scoring the biscuits on the chart with the family.

I liked the different varieties so you got a mix including savoury. My children got to try something new and learn something about the country of Italia.

They would make a fun Christmas present and something different for someone to try.

This is what the box looks like with all the items included in the Italian box.

Ringo Cookies.

A cookie that is a two-toned biscuit with a creamy filling that is packed full of energy but not too heavy. Brilliant texture for dunking and would make a great afternoon snack after school.

 

Testing out the duckability and get 100% Perfetto!

Tenerezze.

I think these biscuits were popular, the taste was beautiful with the lemon flavour and the texture was soft and crumbly, beautiful!

Biscuit galore!

Pan Di Stelle.

These biscuits are a cute design. Pan Di Stelle translates to Starry Bread. They go really well with a glass of milk because they taste of cocoa and hazelnut and a chocolate pastry.

Milllefoglie.

Millefoglie is a multilayered pastry with a sweet topping, funny enough it works really well dunking in a glass of milk and when dunked keeps the firmness without breaking apart.

Taralli Pizza Style.

These are the savoury item. They are small ring-shaped products with twisted ends typical for the southern regions.

 They had a lovely herby flavour though for me personally a bit too salty for my tastes. That being said my boys absolutely loved them.

Amaretti.

These biscuits are beautiful in flavour with the almond and have a lovely firm texture to them. They go perfectly with a perfect with a coffee.

Finally here is what the rating card for the biscuits below.

Cheers for reading X

I have gifted a subscription box in exchange for a review. However, all opinions expressed are entirely my own

My Sunday Photo 30/09/2018

My Sunday photo 23/09/2018

My Sunday Photo 16/09/2018

Adjusting

Hey readers,

My word of the week is

because my youngest has started full days at school this week and to say he is tired after school is an understatement. 

I was ambitious one day this week and took him to the library after school thinking he might enjoy it. Turns out nothing but winching and eventually a full down meltdown, joy I certainly learned from that experience. He is defiantly not used to full days like he does now.

I have been to the dentist which I hate but I had to have a filling which sucks, but it is done now. My dentist is social as well when he has fingers in my mouth, why. I can't answer him coherently.

I have been loving also the darker nights. It feels so much cosy to sit and wrap up with a throw.

I hope you have had a good week.

Cheers for reading X

Proud

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

This is because my youngest has coped so well with starting school and he's even got, special person. This is where two people in the class are a special person of the day and are chosen for good behaviour. 

Funny enough on the same day my eldest also got a special person of the day so they both met each other when they handed the registration as that is their job to do.

My youngest has now started to bring books home which I know he will absolutely love because he loves reading so much. I love reading to them as well because it's a way for me to connect. I'm not always good with social and play so reading gives me that change to connect with my children.

However, my eldest seems to be having problems with sleep again which I think it's to do with anxiety. Therefore it is all fun and games when you got two ratty children to deal with. Hopefully, it is just a phase and my eldest sleep pattern will return back to normal.

cheers for reading X

My Sunday Photo 09/09/2018

School

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

This is because it is the return of school and my eldest is going into Year 2 and my youngest started reception.

My youngest was super excited to start school and he absolutely loves it. Although he's only been doing half days this week until next week and it will be the whole day.

I think one of the reasons why my youngest is so excited because he just loves to be just like his eldest brother. I am pleased to report that he has adapted well and we've had no tears which are really good.

For me, it's slightly strange as it's so quiet but it is nice to go back to the routine and get things done without having children to entertain. I am amazed at how much easy is to do chores without children about and getting them done in half the time.

I'm not used to the alarm clocks mind and getting up so early so we will slightly tired by the end of the week.

Hope you have had a good week

Cheers for reading X

My Sunday Photo 02/09/2018

Mental

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

because we have crammed so much in for the last week. We started with going on a day out on the Severn Valley stream train followed by fish and chips, perfect!

We then needed to sort out buying uniform for my youngest who will be started reception on Monday, eek. What a drag it was to get a uniform mind. We had to go to several different supermarkets to get all the bits and bobs. That was not fun and then we still ended up ordering online anyway. I am glad that it is all done now.

Still, not all doom and gloom we did treat the boys after weeks of begging from the youngest we took the boys to see The Incredibles 2. It is a brilliant film and was not disappointed, because I thought being the second one might be a bit rubbish but no was a bit disappointed.

Hope you had a good week.

Cheers for reading X

My Sunday Photo 26/08/2018

Wales

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

This is because we have been to Wales for a few days this week to see my husband relatives and a little mini-break as well.

I am so glad a few days off normal life because I just felt a bit monotonous.

We have visited the beach, which nothing beats good old fresh sea air. Lovely walks around the Welsh countryside and just a general change of scenery.

 The boys have loved going away and to them, it feels like an adventure. Seeing new things and doing something different is always fun for my boys.

We went to visit a copper mine so that was a something different and a good experience to see how things have changed over time.

Let's not forget to mention my boys love of getting to stay for at a Premier Inn which to them is the ultimate treat.

Hope you have had a good week.

cheers for reading X

Organised

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

Because that is how I have been feeling. It has been a productive week with getting things up on eBay. Which is easy but finding the time and energy to it is a totally different game.

It feels good to start getting on top of all the stuff, the boys have moved into a normal bed so need to sell their cot bed, end of an era. but so good to have a clear space and have more room for them to play. I can confirm they have which been thoroughly been enjoying.

It is so good to have a cooler week but we still got a couple of picnics in. so, much more enjoyable when you are not sweating and feeling uncomfortable. Everyone is less frustrated and ratty which is a breath of fresh air *excuse the pub*.

hope you have had a good week.

cheers for reading X

My Sunday Photo 12/08/2018

Routine

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

This week I have felt settled. It normally accrues during this time during the summer holiday when I have got used to the new routine. The boys have been a lot calmer this week too and we have restored normal service.

The eldest is super happy as he is now entered stage 5 of swimming and now he can be at the same level as his friend.

On Saturday my husband had a Beaver day at the local scouts and he got invested so now is an officially a beaver leader. I placed a bet that he would be the end of the year and guess what? I was right haha. The boys also enjoyed the Bbq and bouncy castle.

We have also been taking part in the summer challenge at the local library which has helped encourage my son to read.

So overall a rather pleasant week has been had.

I hope to have had a good week.

Cheers for reading X

Peaceful

Hey readers,

This week my word of the week is:

As I haven't done a lot but it is just wan I needed for me to rest as I was totally exhausted mentally and physically. 

I have been to the park, scooting and checking out museums close by home. It has been pleasant and I have just rested which I believe has helped my soul. I think I just needed time to shut down.

 I have to take it slow, which I have been doing with pottered about, reading and just generally taking it easy.

Also, the boys have been kept busy with accessing free swimming lessons (they also have their normal ones) so that is one of knackering them out, #mumhack.

My eldest has also gone to the occupational therapist to help with hand control. We have had issues as he is left-handed but won't write with his left hand. 

This is because he believes that because I am autistic and left-handed that will mean he will be the same. I try to tell him that really doesn't matter what hand you write with there will always be autistics who either write in their left or right hand. It has been a struggle so hope these sessions will help.

Hope you have had a good week.

Cheers for reading X

I am a slug!

Hey readers,

I promised to write more positive posts but then I would not be true to myself. I don't want to give the impression my life is all lovely and full of flowers when really it can be pretty crap being autistic and trying to cope.

My brain is dead!

One of the things I seem to struggle is finding my mojo....whereever you are please come back soon, I miss the buzz of the get-up and go!

I feel meh....I know it is only a feeling and that too shall pass. But right now it is hard work to get up and go. I wish I had motivation but having quite an emotional week with downers and feeling well suicidal at one point. 

I kept thinking life would be much better if I wasn't here, I f*ck up too much. Don't worry it was a brief moment when I was right down low and I wanted me to take me.

 I am still here fighting. I am always fighting and you know what it is bloody tiring. I have to battle my thoughts and try to get on with it and during the summer holiday, it is more intense.

I am sure I will feel better soon, emotions are exhausting and you need time to heal. I sure do, I am exhausting, I just want to stop thinking for a bit. I am constantly planning and preparing because if I don't then I stumble, badly. 

Communication, as I have said previously in posts, is something I struggle with, even if it is with people I know. I tend to have a catalogue or format in my head on how to speak. 

Sometimes, I am too exhausted. You could call me anti-social - which would be true. However, space is a big thing for me, I am an introvert by heart and I have come to accept that. I need calm and quiet to move forward.

I suppose writing this out, it has helped clear my thoughts and made me realise that the one thing I need is rest. I need time to heal. It is important to me and it will help greatly.

  I used to be embarrassed by the fact that the social aspect of life makes me so tired and frequently need that rest. 

I think because of a lot of mental energy and that soon saps away especially if I am working harder as I don't have the correct natural skills to do the communicating so many people so automatic and they don't have to even think about.

Sometimes, we have to stop and have a break. It just feels that everywhere there is this notion that you have to be on the go 24-7 but that isn't the case? 

I suppose that is why the slow movement has been come popular and a lot of people like myself are getting tired of this fast pace called life.

I think one of the hardest things for me as an autistic is to accept that some things will always be a struggle and that they do tire me.

 I need to learn to rest and not see myself as a failure because of this. I am sure people don't look at people with a broken leg or whatever and view them as not thriving. 

I just have to work around my limitations and do what can do. At least I can say I have tried.

Cheers for reading X

My Sunday Photo 29/07/2018

Change

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

First of to kick start the summer hols on day son decides to run in the kitchen with the tablet and accidentally drop it on the floor. Restyling in leaving a wonderful massive crack on the tablet, excellent stuff.

We decided to try out the camping for one night this week and sadly I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't cope with the whole situation due to my autism. SO now I feel pretty crappy about myself about the whole situation that I am not good parent again because I cannot do what normal people do. 

I had a meltdown because of all the stresses and I worry that my husband thinks I'm a right diva but I'm not I just can't cope with the situation. I am useless with change and dealing with new environments especially when it involves waiting around. It just a big massive trigger for me.

Cheers for reading X

End

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

because it is finally the end of the summer term and glad for a break because both I and the boys are shattered. why is it at the end of the year I just feel washed out.

Hubby has benefits sorting out camping as we are doing it again this year. I struggle with spending days away with my autism so we are going to have to small holidays in the UK, making it more manageable for me and my health. I am blessed that my eldest is so understanding with me and how I am.

I can not believe also that now both my boys will be going to school in September, eek! Also means having to pay for two sets of school shoes, joy!

Husband has been helping at my son's beaver class and he is now an official leader. I predicted he would by the end of the year, I love it when. I am right haha.

Cheers for reading X

My Sunday Photo 08/07/2018

My Sunday Photo 01/07/2018

My Sunday Photo 24/06/2018

The boy loves Tigger. He cuddles Tigger at night. He was blown away when he saw this massive Tigger in a charity shop!

Wordless Wednesday

My Sunday Photo 17/06/2018

My Sunday Photo 10/06/2018

My Sunday Photo 03/06/2018

My Sunday Photo 27/05/2018

Hey readers,

Today I feel a bit lonely, though not in the sense where I want to mingle with people. More isolating, knowing that I am different and that sense of not being 'good enough'.

 Often I can ignore or distract myself from focusing on negativity. But today is a struggle. I just feel like I can not function like the rest of society. I feel my inadequacies.... they feel so loud in my head, they might not be real but they feel real to me and today it hurts.

I have always battled with being autisitic...it is tough going, after a tough long week of challenges with a little fight left it can defeat you. 

I think one of my problems so I am not often relaxed in situations such as having to go to the school assembly, this is where I feel most insecure. I don't feel right and I feel like everyone is watching me. 

I know I  am probably being narcissistic and changes are no one is, no one cares, hey even some may feel similar.

At the time it feels scary, and because my anxiety is on that super alert it is hard to come down without the good old meltdown. 

Yes to that question I did have an epic meltdown, it is all I could do. Then I took my laptop and wrote my thoughts. No real answers, it is merely a record of how I am feeling.

I feel not amazing but cathartic, now I am going off for a tea, cause let's face it, tea doesn't cure feeling crap but sure makes the painless hard to bear.

Cheers for reading X

My Sunday Photo 19/05/2018

My Sunday Photo 13/05/2018