I, Daniel Blake. (review)

Hey readers,

The other day I watched I, Daniel Blake and thought I would give a review of it, as I personally absolutely loved it and probably be the best movie I will see this year.

I, Daniel Blake - Northern Fiction Alliance

First thing is first, make sure you have plenty of tissue as it is very moving.If you want to find out about social issues then this is the film for you. 

OK, it looks at the absurdity around benefit sanctions. If you don't comply to what is asked of you from the benefits office then basically they can reduce your benefit rate. Some of the requirements are ridiculous. 

The Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) if you are claiming JobSeekers benefit you have to prove that you have actively been looking for work for 35 hours a week. 

Furthermore, you have hard evidence to prove you have done that, in the movie the lady says suggestions such as getting a receipt? Or get a photo of you actually handing in the CV! 

Sometimes ‘the system’ is absurd especially as a high percentage of claimants are poor and needy which makes them vulnerable to being exploited. This is evident when watching this film why I would say this.

If you don't have enough points you don't get qualified for employment support allowance (which is basically the old Income Support) and therefore have to go on Jobseekers Allowance in order to survive. This is exactly what happened to the main character in the film, called Daniel Blake.
He had a heart condition and the doctors explicitly said he cannot work due to his poor health. However, due to the judgements of the so called 'professionals' he did not meet the criteria. It is absurd the treatment met and when Daniel had the strength to fight because you need it to appeal he died without seeing the results.

We can only assume that it was likely down the stress and poor health conditions because he was sanctioned for silly rules. Consequently causing him to sell all his items in his home because he had no other income for heating or food. The stress on top are all definitely had an impact on Daniel’s health.

One good thing about the film is the relationship struck up between Daniel and a women called Katie, they met each other at the jobcentre. She was sanctioned and Daniel was horrified when overhearing the argument between Katie and the employee at the jobcentre.

 The reason Katie got sanctioned was she was late for her sign-on (few minutes) because she came from London a few days and was lost, therefore getting a reduced amount of benefit. This is really hard for Katie as she has two children to feed, get school uniform etc. 

She moved away from London to do better for herself because otherwise, she would still be living in a shelter. The fact of the matter is if you want to live in London you have to have money. Therefore, most poor people will move out for the area simply because they cannot afford such high rates of living.

One issue that comes up in the film is the way that DWP treat people on benefits like animals and are seen as statistics rather than individuals. 

Daniel wrote a piece he wanted to share in the appeal but sadly didn't get the change so Katie read it at his funnel. I feel this pretty much sums up the social injustice around DWP and a brilliant ending to sadly more truthful story over fiction.

 ‘I am not a client, a customer, nor a service user. I am not a shirker, a scrounger, a beggar nor a thief.
I am not a national insurance number, nor a blip on a screen. I paid my dues, never a penny short, and was proud to do so.
I don’t tug the forelock but look my neighbour in the eye. I don’t accept or seek charity.
My name is Daniel Blake, I am a man, not a dog. As such I demand my rights. I demand you treat me with respect.
I, Daniel Blake, am a citizen, nothing more, nothing less. Thank you.’

Cheers for reading X

Star


Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

STAR



Because I got to see my son receive a star of the week during assembly and he was beyond happy.  He was grinning like a Cheshire cat and it was lovely to see, especially after he has been waiting for ages to receive it.  So, now it is upon display and he just loves looking at it and admiring his achievement.

Also, my eldest at the weekend moved up a stage in swimming, which he is super happy about as his special friend moved up there pre-Christmas, therefore getting to be reunited again. 

So, now he can rejoin her and it helps him feel a bit more confident in the group as he knows a familiar face.

In other news, I have been enjoying reading and being able to escape especially as this weather has been grime this week!

Hope you all had a good week.

Cheers for reading X

Over

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:


 OVER


because I have finally taken all my Christmas decorations, yes I know what your thinking whatttttt it is like the second week in January. 

But hubby has been poorly and in hospital for a short period meaning, I needed him well. There is no way I am sorting out the sodding tree into different groups.

 I never realised artificial trees were so complicated to do, ugh. Still, the tree is down now, so lovely to have clean and an 'empty' feel to it.

In other news, I had a gift voucher for John Lewis and brought the game silly sausage. If you have never come across this, well done and I envy you. 

It is a toy sausage that has the most annoying American voice and is super loud. Quite simple for my boys to do with five demands; squeeze, hug, dip, twist, poke. 

However, with children, they do not play it nicely or stop the repetitive button pressing as they think it is bloody hilarious. I am glad to get my ears a rest when they are at nursery and school.

Cheers for reading X


Appointments

Hey readers,


My word of the week is:

APPOINTMENTS

Because this week, I do not know why but it has been dominated with appointments; dentist, options, meetings etc.... I am just glad last week I had a bit of spare time to do a few scheduled posts because I definitely knew this week would be exhausting.


I think because hubby is recovering from ill health I have done most of the work it is knackering, It doesn't help that it is a bit gloomy, full of cold and the wetness/cold gets to me. 

Still, at least the children have been energetic as per. So eventually it takes it toll on you. #yawn!
Talking about the entertainment I got sucked in and watched Big Brother as there was sod all on TV. 

I have to say I am not that keen on Angie Best, a bit rude for my liking so boo to her!

Cheers for reading X

Return

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:


RETURN

Because it is the return back to school, nursery and general normality of life. Anyone else struggling with feeling a bit blue, I think it is just a comedown from all the exciting festivities.


Although glad to get some routine back and try and get back to the healthy eating malarkey, which isn't easy after all the goodies entering my mouth the past couple of weeks.

Also, had to deal with the boys sole for a night while the husband was away, jeez hats of to single parents. I am a bad mum, I let my eldest sleep in my bed as he was really struggling with anxiety.

 I was desperate at this point and in the end, sleep wins. However, I got through it and everyone is still alive and well, phew!

Still trying to find suitable places for new toys, that is the biggest challenge of all!

Cheers for reading X

Food


​Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

FOOD



Because it has been full of festivity and full of feasts. I have indulgenced in chocolate, cake, sweets and rich food. It has been lovely to let go and just relax the best I can.  

The boys loved having the special treat of having chocolate for breakfast on Christmas day if you can't do it at Christmas when can you do it.


The boys have loved playing with their new toys and we have piles of toys and having them everywhere. I will be honest I am not very good at things not in order but trying to let it pass as it is Christmas. 

So basically Christmas is all about disruption and letting the routines go out of the Weekend. But it has been nice to catch something decent on the telly for once. Loving outnumbered. Though, slightly weird seeing the children all grown up.

Happy new year to you all.

Cheers for reading X 


Christmas

Hey readers,

Obviously, my word of the week is:
I can't believe it is only two more sleeps until the big day. This week we have rung Santa on the old tablet, visited Santa and went on a sleigh ride and decorated some cards to get the boys in the festive mood.

It also is half term and it has been mental, toys everywhere and a lot of, 'play nicely' or 'gently' or simple, 'mummmmmmmmy'. But it has been lovely to watch the boys play together most of the time nicely and on their own a large amount of time in their bedroom. 

I suspect that they are probably planning on taking over the world.
I have finally done all the sodding Christmas wrapping, what a pain in the arse it is. Maybe because I feel like I need to get it or want it all sorted so I can relax because nothing I hate worse is rushing around like a headless chicken.

I just want to wish you a very merry Christmas, whatever happens, I hope it is not too manic but enjoyable too.

Cheers for reading X

Hibernating

Hey readers,
 
My word of the week is:

Hibernating

This is because I am just so tired this week due to the weather being meh and sucking all my energy out. It's so dark and grey that I just can't muster the motivation to get a single thing done. If it weren't for the responsibilities of having children I would spend my time drinking copious amounts of tea and reading the kindle in bed. One can dream though hey, but in reality I am mere a bouncing trampoline for my sons!
On a more positive note I have finally worked out how to use the reward chart properly for the boys albeit with help form a professional. Now it is a lot more cleared to understand and better to manage. I definately have seen an improvement in the boys behaviour since we have introduced the reward chart.  More so in my eldest but that is understandable as my youngest is not fully aware what the heck is happening other then shinny stickers!  Luckily however my youngest likes to copy my eldest so he is pretty much well behaved in the grand scheme of things.
Now on to more pressing matters in my household: POTTY TRAINING!!!
We have started to do some potty training in a relaxed way so that my youngest gets used it the whole idea. He is now aware when he needs a wee and loves washing his hands. That is his favourite thing to do at nursery, haha! He also promptly tells me when he has done a poo, announcing ewwwww and then points to his bottom!
He did his first poo in his potty this week which we all celebrated and danced to. I never thought that I would ever get so excited about poo. My youngest does love to explore his potty. I am very proud of him as he is so good and helpful which  makes the job a lot easier to tackle.
 
Cheers for reading X



fool

I'm stood like a fool,
the outcast that I am,
no one knows
the mask I hold.
forever trying to be
something I am not.
I never will reach,
I am just not good,
I wish was
then maybe life
would be much better.
instead I am stuck,
with my brain fu*ked.

Singing

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

Image result for singing word art
This is because my eldest has been practising all his new songs and singing every night. He has a Christmas performance next week and is really authentic about it. 

He is super excited to be performing so I have to spend a lot of my evenings hearing him singing away at a very high pitch ;)

In other news, we got our tree up and that was fun decorating it with the boys. Although, shhh, me and hubby later in the evening re-arranged the decorations or else it would look somewhat uneven. Which is fine but at top looks so bare, haha!

I have also nearly done all the Christmas present shopping, whoop. We need to get the main present which is a doll's house from Asda. Which I am super excited as hubby finally caved in and we are going to be getting it. It is massive but luckily we have found a suitable for it to live.

Cheers for reading X

Unknown Territory

Hey readers,

One of the big issues with my Autism is anxiety particularly when I go to a new place. So I shall tell you about such an incident so you can get a feel want it is like for me personally.
I took my boys to the zoo this week and as much as I love the outdoors/wildlife the new situation caused me to feel very anxious.

When we went to the zoo it was half term so it was super busy. Also, I had not been out as a family for a while to somewhere new therefore contributing to making me feel even more anxious.

I get overwhelmed with being in new places because I have to take in all my environment.
I feel powerless as I don't know what to expect as it is a new place.
The zoo that day was very loud and busy causing me to get stressed very quickly especially when I have also got to look after my boys.

Another factor causing me to feel anxious was getting caught up in a crowded area. This can make me feel very claustrophobic causing me to feel like running away and hiding.
The noise levels cause my ears to ring.

I can only cope with so many people touching me. Not in a perverse way you must understand but just the sensation of other people touching my skin by brushing past. It makes my skin crawl and itchy.

Having to deal with my son screaming with tantrums and dealing with paranoia due to not having the skills to read facial expressions correctly. Because I have low self-confidence I feel very negative and worry about what others are thinking of me when they stare at me.
Having to deal with negotiating and calming my son down when I am anxious is something I have to work really hard at. It is very draining for me when I am out that it affects me the next day and I feel dead to the world.

Getting lost and disorientated not knowing where I am in the zoo does not help and makes me panicky.

I find not knowing when the event will end is a struggle for me because it being ambiguous and not having a plan heightens my anxiety.

In the beginning, I enjoyed the animals however I did have a mild meltdown due to the overwhelming. This is a result of all the factors I explained previously adding up and turning into a high anxiety situation. So much so that I could not communicate clearly and needed to leave due to a lack of skills to cope with the situation.

However, when I did calm down and my husband discussed what we could have done to make the situation better.

1) Take diazepam.

2) come back during a weekday and not in half term when it is busy.

3) should have got a map to work out where we are going.

4 Planning more structure with getting a plan online and working out where we are going and incorporating lunch.

5) Include a coffee break so we can have a drink and refresh.

If anyone has any other suggestions please feel to share as we are returning in a couple weeks again as we have a free return ticket.

Cheers for reading X



 

Battle

I am so tired,
Can someone take it away,
I don't feel like fighting,
This battle inside.

Light

Hey readers,
 
My word of the week is:
 
 Light
 
This is because I have had a hell of a year emotionally especially impacting on my family big time. I learnt to move on and let things go. I have been judged, tested and challenged but all in all I am still hear. I have made progress with moving forward. I have found hope and my days are starting to look bright. I an now starting to look forward to the future. I still have depression I won't lie but I an getting to grips with managing it. There will still be shit days, but I take things day by day.
I still will have meltdowns but I can control my life a lot better. I didn't know how this year would end but slowly as a family we are moving into a much happier place. I feel I have had a really interesting and reflective week hence devaluation of year. However, talking about the past and has made me feel positive, motivated and determined to be a better person and a mother. Most of all though I feel that I can now finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Cheers for reading X

Fireworks


Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

FIREWORKS



No surprises why, but it was lovely this year to watch the fireworks with the family.  I live on the 16th floor so can stay at home and watch it all from my balcony.  

Last year, there was hardly any for some strange reason. But this year it seemed quite spectacular. It was particularly good now that my youngest is a little bit older to appreciate them.


Both my boys loved the way the fireworks lit up in the sky with all the different colours.  We also had hot dogs and it has turned into a bit of tradition here so it was a great way to end the evening. 

I am so glad that we can see them at our home because how cold was it on Saturday night, blimey the heating was working overtime that night. I have to really motivate myself to leave the home as I much prefer to be at home all warm and snugly.

Cheers for reading X


Running


​Hey readers,
My word of the week is:

RUNNING



Because for the last four weeks I have been running. I have decided to run as a form of exercise. I downloaded the c25k app and it is the best thing I have ever done!


I love running outside in the fresh air, it is free and good to clear your head. I like the fact I am getting fitter and building stamina. I definitely can say I have caught the running bug. If I can do it then anyone can do, lol!

In other news, it is the week the boys return to school and nursery. I love having them at home but by God, it is lovely to have some 'me time' and peace to think for a bit. 


Talking of school, it means the return of so many letters. I have had FIVE letters in the space of four days, seriously why can't we just let kids play like the happy people of Denmark do, tsk! Rant over!

Cheers for reading X 


Wales

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

WALES



Because we have had a lovely few days in Wales seeing the inlaws and making memories away with the kiddos!



We went to the beach, walked around woodlands and saw some waterfalls. Not to mention fish and chips and ice-cream because otherwise, it wouldn't be a holiday 😂 !


I so needed a break though and it has been so refreshing to get away and step back from normal life.



Though tomorrow normal service will resume with doing a ton of washing/drying/putting away. standard mum life really but at least I get to catch up on my programmes and chill in my home again.

Cheers for reading X

Knackered

Hey readers,
My word of the week is:

KNACKERED

This is because I have been sleeping badly due to my son going through a horrible period waking up several times a night and overtime really dampens everything.

However, we did get to go to the pumpkin farm and have fun picking our own one. We have a massive one, even though cheeky hubby told me it was the same as last years, it was clearly not! Still, the boys are going to have fun carving the pumpkin on Saturday.

We also got a green pumpkin as it is the best one for making pumpkin tart, so hopefully, that is something fun we can do in the half term.
Which as it is half-term coming up looking forward to a break from the constant letters/homework etc that seems to be continuous, jeez it's hardcore now they are at school.

Cheers for reading X

Flawed

I'm flawed,
I'm raw,
My eyes are raw
Going through the emotions,
Change is a big deal,
Something that can't be gone.

embrace it

embrace it
own it,
it's yours,
acknowledge it
don't reject it,
celebrate the flaws,
because it's yours.

Adventure

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

ADVENTURE
Because we have had some fun with having a picnic and watching the Flying Scotsman and the volcano which was lovely to be in the open air. I also had a playdate so had five kids in my home which for me is a very anxious time. 

This is new territory for me as  I was the one who arranged it even though I was very anxious about it because of my autism. But went well and my son loved playing with his friends so it was worth all the anxieties to see his face.

On Tuesday I started a course for a bit of me-time in the evening all about watercolours and drawing l. It is great to try something new for myself and my wellbeing.  I am not sure if I will be any good at it but it is getting me out there challenging myself.

The rest of the time in between I have been flat out with a cold. It so frustrating as my energy is very low. Hopefully, I will shift it soon as such an unconvinced when I am a mum ;)

Cheers for reading X 

Darker


​Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

DARKER



This is because it has slowly been getting that bit by bit darker, which I have been enjoying as it is my favourite time of the year.

I have loved cooler evenings, watching more films, reading more, snuggles under the throws and pillows.

Anyway, I shall also mention my eldest who has started to really enjoy reading his books and learning to write his name. He loves reading his book from school to us and his brother. 

There are as no words in the book and he just loves chatting away in great detail about all the things that are happening in the picture.

 As someone who learnt to read and write at the age of 10, I know how important it is and you could say I am a little more encouraging then to help enjoy it.

 Though to be fair to the boy doesn't really need much encouragement at all as he has such much love for learning that I don't have to worry! 

Cheers for reading X 

Brrrr

Hey Readers,
My word of the week is:
Image result for freezing

because oh my word it is bloody freezing at night and I am terribly British and love to moan about all things weather-related, why the hell not. Though, I am still refusing to turn the heating on until November, unless it is awful then I may be weakened to do it. I am so tight...haha!

But I have enjoyed fluffy socks, cosy pjs and dressing gowns. Cuddling under the throws and not really wanting to leave the home because it is so horribly cold with that eastly wind. I do quite like the feeling of being safe inside whilst looking out of the window at the grey clouds hovering around aimlessly.

I have also enjoyed recently buying a few bits and bobs for Halloween, it is so fun and the boys have loved wearing their Halloween dressing up outfits. My eldest has decided he is called 'Bone Man' as he wears his Halloween outfit with all the bones every night.

 It also glows in the dark so we have had fun running around crazy but at least it has kept them entertained for a little while.

Cheers for reading X

compassion

I am here,
With my listening ear,
I know how it feels
The hurt and upset,
I understand,
I want to help,

Even if it is to just listen.

Preparation

Hey readers,

Well my word of the week is:

Image result for preparation

This is because we have been slowly buying the items of the LONG list of stuff to get my boy for school for  September. 

He got his plimsolls which are needed for P.E. this week and he was super excited when trying them on that I don't think he wanted to take them off. Brings backs so many memories of me wearing the ghastly things at school way back when...

We are umming and arring when to get his school shoes from Clarke's. I know they cost more but we think it is important to get comfy and well-fitted shoes especially being in school for such a long period of time. 

But we don't want to get them too early in case he grows out of them!
We also checked out a new park locally to us this week. It is not a massive park but it is a new one that we have not explored before. I think it is a lovely place, especially as there is a big green space to have picnics.

I must try harder in looking at venturing out and seeing more of what my city has to offer. My son really enjoyed it when we went as I was brave in letting him take his scooter. 

Especially on the bus, as for me makes me feel a bit anxious with space etc. However, it went well so that was all good and it gives me a boost in my self-esteem.

Hope you had a good week.

Cheers for reading X



Pokemon

Hey readers,

my word of the week is:

POKEMON


This is because the game has dominated my life at the moment,  ok I enjoy it but my eldest loves it too and it is a great way to bond together too.  
Plus it is such a great way of getting outside and not spending a fortune. 

Now I have learnt about Pokemon stops. I know I am a bit slow but since I have mastered the main idea it is a lot more fun to go out and hunt pokeballs with the boy. 

There is lovely feeling about escaping into virtual relativity, especially as now I am a parent I spend most my time adulting. Therefore, it is great to have time to switch off. It is fun to recreate that excitement I got when I played Sonic as a child on the mega drive!


A highlight of the week is going to visit Burton Dassett Country Park which has stunning views on top of hills looking over Warwickshire and Oxfordshire. It is lovely to be out in the fresh air and just take in the scenery in. Plus it fantastic spot to do a bit of kiting, check the pictures out below.


Cheers for reading X


Burnout

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:


it must be the end term thing where I feel absolutely exhausted and overwhelmed. My list of things to do seems to be getting longer and longer. My motivation, on the other hand, seems to have vanished.

 I have a crippling headache (which I am frequent suffer off, it runs in my family) making it even harder to focus on stuff. I also have had the youngest be poorly with vomiting and struggling to cope with any energy. 

So been doing a lot of washing that is constantly needing doing. It just the all the little bits adding up and creating such a big mountain to climb up at the moment.

On a more positive note, I signed my eldest son up to some free swimming lessons for one week only (he normally has swimming lessons once a week anyway). 

He loves it and it is lovely to watch how confident he is getting at swimming. It is funny though as it is in the same pool that I used to swim when I was pregnant with him. 

So that has been the highlight of my week to see him grow.

Hopefully next week I won't sound such a miserable cow, but this is my blog and this is where I will vent. God, I love blogging it is such a great therapy tool.

Hope you have a lovely week,

cheers for reading X


Warmth

Hey readers,
My word of the week is:

Am I the only one who struggles picking a word, so I just pick one that instantly pops into my head. So hence why warmth as currently the sun is shinning and it is a lovely temperature. We have enjoyed a good few days of sunshine which really lifts your mood. Not to mention the speed it takes to reduce the washing load. I know yawn but I can't help it I am a mum and it is socially acceptable now to talk about suck exciting stuff, 😂.
We have had a blast the other day with the boys and playing in the local foundations in our city. It was lovely to just sit back and watch my boys play so nicely and lovely. Their bond seems to be getting stronger and stronger each day.

Cheers for reading X


Quiet

It's silent,
Peaceful,
No one makes a peek,
The clock carries on,
Tick tock.

Go with the wind

Sometimes you have to go with the wind,
to learn a lesson,
to grow
and move forward.

Testing

Hey readers,
I would say that my word of the week is:
TESTING

This is because I feel that at times that I have tested myself, pushed outside of my comfort zone. First would be going to a coffee shop by myself and ordering a drink.

 I have had really bad anxiety the past few weeks and regressed with my social anxiety. This has been a positive step forward and though some people may think that this is no biggie for me it is like running the marathon mentally.


I don't know whether it is just my kids or not but by the end of the term they are super tired and need a break. I really struggle to communicate with them when they go full meltdown and I did walk out the home as I just couldn't cope.

 Luckily my husband is also my carer whether that is a good thing or not I don't know. But I needed to escape. It is hard when dealing with children and tiredness at times. So it is nice to have some time along for me to get away from it. It had really helped me for the rest of the week being much more positive and manageable.

Hope you all have a good Easter and don't eat too much chocolate ;)

Cheers for reading X


Change

Hey readers,
My word of the week is
 
 Change
 
 
 
A lot has happened over the past few months that can only be described as testing. At times I really felt that I won not be able to manage but lucky I have had so much support from my husband. Though it has been rocky for all my family we are still hear and shown the world that we can do it.  I know I am not perfect and have disabilities that effect me as a person and a parent but with the correct support we have moved forward. Finally it feels like we have seen a light at the end of the tunnel.Though I have lost things on the way I will always be committed to my children. So I am celebrating a new direction and change  in my  life and feel so much more positive.
Thank you for reading and sorry it is so cryptic but don't want to air my laundry in public as it is very personal.  But this event has had a huge impact mentally and physically this week that it was only right to include it this Week!


Greedy

why you so greedy?
All you do is
Take and want,
One day
You will lose,
And have nothing,
To show.

Cold

Hey readers,
My word of the week is:

Cold

It just seems to be me but in my household I am freezing even when the sunshine is out. Though can't moan too much as it has been beautiful and I have enjoyed getting out and snapping some beautiful sunsets. Which is probably good as hubby is rearranging wires and moving furniture around . The kitchen and living room is chaos. I hate mess and disruption. I dont know how other people copy with it but it leaves me feeling irritated and powerless. I think I am a control freak and like order. I hate it when things are not in order and a mess. Though I have been colouring more as a result to help distress me and take my mind away from the sawdust floor. On a positive note we had a Chinese and oh my word have not had one for a long time but it was amazing and thr added benefit of not having to worry about cooking. 
I have also joined a course to teach me the skills to be mindfu. I can't promise I will be chilled and less anxious . still I am willing to learn anything that might help me be more  relaxed.
Hope you have a good week!
Cheers for reading X



Under my nose

Why I do feel so angry,
At the injustice,
Hearing them speak,
Why can't they be human,
Instead of turning a blind eye.

swollen

My throat hurts
No more pain,
Please leave
My body is done.

Light

The responsibility has gone,
I feel lighter,
Knowing it is out,
 now I weight,
With nothing else,
To do.

Leave me

Don't leave me,
I'm scared
I don't know nothing,
Life to scary,
With no instructions

Autumn

The times are changing,
Everything is moving,
The temperature dips,
Whilst colours evolve.
The craving for home
Is a strong game,
To the shut the door,
Hideaway,
Safe from any danger.

I'm wide awake.

I'm wide awake now,
Looking back over
What happened.
What is the meaning,
Is there more to this
And how do you accept
The fate that lies.

who am I?

Who am I?
I don't know who I am anymore,
I have lost sight,
Of the person who I once was.

Waiting

The waiting is the hardest,
Not knowing,
No answers,
Just holding on.
I have no control,
I am left stranded,
My future is in their hands.

checking

The constant checking,
to find a formula,
that appears to calculate,
my need for answers,
but instead
End up in a tangled up mess.

my heart aches

My heart aches,
I'm reminded of my failures,
My mind is holding on
To not knowing,
I have lost the will,
My energy is low,
I can't think,
I just feel the ache,
Of not being good enough

Waiting, wanting 

Waiting for something,
For all the answers,
That overflow
My tiny mind,
Maybe one day
It will come,
Till then

I will be waiting.

where to begin

I don't know where to begin,
I'm just tired,
Keeping my head above,
Is the hardest thing.

waiting

I know the time will come,
until then I wait,
In desperation,
not knowing what to expect,
million thoughts,
lead to one outcome,
still, I am waiting.

My Moment

Is my moment now?
Does all the other stuff matter?
What counts towards my path?
No one can tell me,
The door is open for me
To decide where I walk.

i wonder where

I wonder where I would be,
If I didn't go down that road,
My mind is buzzing,
With all the other options,
But alas I am here,
As it is meant to be.

physical attraction

I bite my lip
because no words
help me
when my mind is blank.
I can knowledge pain
without the words
that is how roll
with this autistic stuff