Sunday 13 November 2016

Light

Hey readers,
 
My word of the week is:
 
 Light
 
This is because I have had a hell of a year emotionally especially impacting on my family big time. I learnt to move on and let things go. I have been judged, tested and challenged but all in all I am still hear. I have made progress with moving forward. I have found hope and my days are starting to look bright. I an now starting to look forward to the future. I still have depression I won't lie but I an getting to grips with managing it. There will still be shit days, but I take things day by day.
I still will have meltdowns but I can control my life a lot better. I didn't know how this year would end but slowly as a family we are moving into a much happier place. I feel I have had a really interesting and reflective week hence devaluation of year. However, talking about the past and has made me feel positive, motivated and determined to be a better person and a mother. Most of all though I feel that I can now finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Cheers for reading X

Friday 11 November 2016

Fireworks


Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

FIREWORKS



No surprises why, but it was lovely this year to watch the fireworks with the family.  I live on the 16th floor so can stay at home and watch it all from my balcony.  

Last year, there was hardly any for some strange reason. But this year it seemed quite spectacular. It was particularly good now that my youngest is a little bit older to appreciate them.


Both my boys loved the way the fireworks lit up in the sky with all the different colours.  We also had hot dogs and it has turned into a bit of tradition here so it was a great way to end the evening. 

I am so glad that we can see them at our home because how cold was it on Saturday night, blimey the heating was working overtime that night. I have to really motivate myself to leave the home as I much prefer to be at home all warm and snugly.

Cheers for reading X


Wednesday 9 November 2016

Social anxiety kicks in!

Hey readers,

Today I attempted to a volunteer place but totally failed at it and now I feel like a fool. 
It was an admin role but it was in an open arena with different people at different desks etc. and I just felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable paranoid and anxious. 
I was so anxious that I had a panic attack. I felt so claustrophobic in that room. Like a fish in a glass bowl and everyone was staring at me. It is the most horrendous and intense feeling ever. 
Social anxiety kicks in!

I just could not handle it mentally. I don't do small talk and the things I think about talking about are not appropriate. I think it is anxiety that does that. 
I just could not handle it and just went into flight or fight response. I forgot how bad my social anxiety can be, I have not been in this type of social situation for a long time.
I hate myself and now I am beating myself up about it. I know when I have cooled down and talked sense to myself I will see it from a different perspective but right now, at this moment, I am really down and emotional.
I feel that my response and lack of ability make me a bad person, incapable and a failure. For a brief second, I was tempted to jump in front of a train. Don't worry I won't but I want to be frank and real. This is real life going through the motions. You have a warped view of yourself and what you ' believe' others think. 
I feel I am less of a person because I can’t do this role because I view success on whether I have a job or not and feel that what society views as a good person or parent. This message feels even more present currently through the media when we are heading towards the general elections. 
I feel I have let myself down and my children. Why can't I accept that I am autistic and some things are hard? I would never, ever expect a person who is confined in a wheelchair to just get up and walk.  That does not stop me from being so hard on myself because the stigma is still prevalent and I don’t in normal life discuss really autism because to be perfectly honest I am embarrassed and ashamed. I feel guilty and let down.
 I know you’re going to say I shouldn’t feel like this but I do and I have experienced people judging me so it is hard to change. Though on a positive note it is something I am working on, it takes time especially when it damages you so emotionally. The treatment is still discriminator out there, people see mental illness or invisibility as a negative and something that makes you less of a person.
I think I am also scared with regards to autism as it was reported in the news that NHS are diagnosis fewer children with less severe autism. What next I feel like autism is misunderstood and I am scared for myself and others about what the fortune holds. 
Cheers for reading X
 


 

Friday 4 November 2016

Running


​Hey readers,
My word of the week is:

RUNNING



Because for the last four weeks I have been running. I have decided to run as a form of exercise. I downloaded the c25k app and it is the best thing I have ever done!


I love running outside in the fresh air, it is free and good to clear your head. I like the fact I am getting fitter and building stamina. I definitely can say I have caught the running bug. If I can do it then anyone can do, lol!

In other news, it is the week the boys return to school and nursery. I love having them at home but by God, it is lovely to have some 'me time' and peace to think for a bit. 


Talking of school, it means the return of so many letters. I have had FIVE letters in the space of four days, seriously why can't we just let kids play like the happy people of Denmark do, tsk! Rant over!

Cheers for reading X 


Friday 28 October 2016

Wales

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

WALES



Because we have had a lovely few days in Wales seeing the inlaws and making memories away with the kiddos!



We went to the beach, walked around woodlands and saw some waterfalls. Not to mention fish and chips and ice-cream because otherwise, it wouldn't be a holiday 😂 !


I so needed a break though and it has been so refreshing to get away and step back from normal life.



Though tomorrow normal service will resume with doing a ton of washing/drying/putting away. standard mum life really but at least I get to catch up on my programmes and chill in my home again.

Cheers for reading X

Wednesday 26 October 2016

Ftmob - October 

Hey readers,

Hubby shared a chat he had with my eldest early, "I wish mummy didn't have autism. Can't Dr's give her medication to make it go away". How to feel shit in fice seconds. It breaks my heart that I am now getting noticed by my son with being different, I suppose this is the start of things to come.

My eldest asking," why do so many people get cremated it's silly!". 
My DS1 saying, "I wish we could live in Wales forever and never come back". Yep me too son I wish I could totally run away from it all at times :|.

I attempted to make a joke to my DS1 saying I would leave him in the car all by himself. His response was that it is illegal to leave children alone in the car and the police will put you in jail mummy.


As we were driving past the graveyard the other day way DS2 comments, "boo". this is because he thinks the tear ghosts there, 😂 

Cheers for reading X


Friday 21 October 2016

Knackered

Hey readers,
My word of the week is:

KNACKERED

This is because I have been sleeping badly due to my son going through a horrible period waking up several times a night and overtime really dampens everything.

However, we did get to go to the pumpkin farm and have fun picking our own one. We have a massive one, even though cheeky hubby told me it was the same as last years, it was clearly not! Still, the boys are going to have fun carving the pumpkin on Saturday.

We also got a green pumpkin as it is the best one for making pumpkin tart, so hopefully, that is something fun we can do in the half term.
Which as it is half-term coming up looking forward to a break from the constant letters/homework etc that seems to be continuous, jeez it's hardcore now they are at school.

Cheers for reading X

Tuesday 18 October 2016

ftmob

Hey readers,
Joining in with some clippets of conversation with the boys.
My ds1 joke, "How do you make bacon? By killing a piggy 🐷!" 
"If all children die together becuase of gun shooting in America then they can have a funeral together". My eldest son comment after taking about gin crime originally around police carrying guns. Jeez it is a web of questions how the heck you got here.
"Mummy more Octonauts please", ny you youngest asks me a million times aday. But at least now he is getting.more words in a sentence.
My eldest had a new catchphrase and constantly says to me, "everything going to be alright".
Everytime the internet video is loading my eldest says, ' circle of doom". Which is a phase he learnt of his daddy!
Cheers for reading X


Friday 7 October 2016

Slow moving

Hey readers,

My word of the week is :

SLOW MOVING


because we have mainly plodded on and have the busy week last week, it feels like a comedown from all the chaos.

My DS1 had a day off on Monday due to teacher training day so was nice to spend time with me and his daddy. We did nothing spectacular, I had to go doctors and get blood done. 

But for him, he was excited to one watch mummy get the flu jab and then if that was not enough I had to get my bloods done as part of a routine check. He loves understanding the way things work out so to watch the needle go in my arm and the blood get sucked up, he was fascinated.

We have also finally started to make
 improvements to our flat but it is slow-moving but each step is positive to complete the work.

Hope you had a good week,

Cheers for reading  X


Thursday 6 October 2016

Flawed

I'm flawed,
I'm raw,
My eyes are raw
Going through the emotions,
Change is a big deal,
Something that can't be gone.

Sunday 2 October 2016

embrace it

embrace it
own it,
it's yours,
acknowledge it
don't reject it,
celebrate the flaws,
because it's yours.

Thursday 29 September 2016

Adventure

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

ADVENTURE
Because we have had some fun with having a picnic and watching the Flying Scotsman and the volcano which was lovely to be in the open air. I also had a playdate so had five kids in my home which for me is a very anxious time. 

This is new territory for me as  I was the one who arranged it even though I was very anxious about it because of my autism. But went well and my son loved playing with his friends so it was worth all the anxieties to see his face.

On Tuesday I started a course for a bit of me-time in the evening all about watercolours and drawing l. It is great to try something new for myself and my wellbeing.  I am not sure if I will be any good at it but it is getting me out there challenging myself.

The rest of the time in between I have been flat out with a cold. It so frustrating as my energy is very low. Hopefully, I will shift it soon as such an unconvinced when I am a mum ;)

Cheers for reading X 

Thursday 22 September 2016

Darker


​Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

DARKER



This is because it has slowly been getting that bit by bit darker, which I have been enjoying as it is my favourite time of the year.

I have loved cooler evenings, watching more films, reading more, snuggles under the throws and pillows.

Anyway, I shall also mention my eldest who has started to really enjoy reading his books and learning to write his name. He loves reading his book from school to us and his brother. 

There are as no words in the book and he just loves chatting away in great detail about all the things that are happening in the picture.

 As someone who learnt to read and write at the age of 10, I know how important it is and you could say I am a little more encouraging then to help enjoy it.

 Though to be fair to the boy doesn't really need much encouragement at all as he has such much love for learning that I don't have to worry! 

Cheers for reading X 

Starting School

Hey readers,
My eldest starts a new chapter in his life in September. He starts school and here is when it is a turning point, where I worry about what will happen when social pressure rears it's ugly head.
I have already seen the impact of my sons decisions he has made based on the influence of his nursery friends. Small things but noticeable things. Such as he randomly wanting a England football t-shirt because his friend had one. He wanted it right down to the same number on the back of the top. I am fine with him having choice and pleased that he knows what he wants.  But I also know the power of peer pressure and the need we may have to want to fit in. I worry how it will impact on my son. I would love him to have the confidence to be his own person. I would love him not to be swayed by others but sadly we are reaching that point that you lose a tiny bit of your child and now we now simply have to adjust to the ever changing direction of my son's journey through childhood.
It is scary and I do worry whether my son will get bullied or he will bully others. That being said he might not be either of this, which would be brilliant.
You think you know  your child until you have an opportunity to secretly watch them out of sight and you realise that they are slowly becoming their own person. What you think you know of your child can be totally wrong especially in a different environment such as nursery. I have witnessed some behaviour in my son that I would not see in is home environment.
I just hope me and my husband can teach our son that he can be his own person and that if he does not want to do something that he can say no. I want him to know he can always trust myself and his dad and we are always there  to talk if at all he feels anxious or needs advice.
It is awful to let go of being primary carer and allow other people to come along and be my son's life to influence. I can not now at the tender age of five wrap him in cotton wool all the time though I can give hot chocolate and cuddles when needed. Lets face it one day my son won't be a  child, he will grow into his own person where he will have to stand on his own two feet. All I can do is trust and hope that he turns out not too damaged. regardless of whatever path my son takes he knows that he is loved and accepted for who he is.
I suppose it is not just  a turning point in his life but a new chapter for me as a parent when my son slowly grows further in to independence and I am not needed as much as a guidance but just a warm hand of support.
cheers for reading X


Friday 16 September 2016

Letter to my son about school and things!

​Dearest son,


Right now you are embarking on your newest adventure primary school. Oh boy were you overjoyed at this prospect and love it to the moon and back.

Well, where do I start all them years ago when I was overjoyed to feel you wriggle and jiggle inside of me? I have never felt more alive when I fell pregnant with you. 


I have seen you grow from a little blob to a happy independent little boy who I am so proud to call my son.

Your such a quizzical boy and you want to soak up everything around you. You love learning and finding out why things work the way they do. So I am sure you are going to be OK during school. 

You have so much lust for life and start every day with a spring in your step. Of course, in some cases you are poor but that is a rarity. You are hard work at times but that is only because you are so excited and have so much processing away up in your brain. 

There are times when I think will you ever stop to just enjoy the moment but maybe that is how you get your kicks by exploring.

Over the last year, you have developed a wicked sense of humour and mischievous laugh which I so enjoy. You make mummy laugh (but I know secretly some of it is down to my making shhhh).
You also have a caring side, especially towards your brother. When anyone cries you worry and do your best to make them happy. 

You love babies and every time you pass one you say hello. I am sure you will make friends as you are a ball of energy and such fun.

It has been over a week and already every single day you can not wait to go back. You can't wait to play and get creative. 

I feel this is a big step where you will evolve intellectually and grow more mature. I'm going to embrace the fact you will have fun and be happy.

The only downside is your speech but you are already getting there and it is a challenge we will face together.

I know at times it is frustrating when you don't feel heard or the difficulty of expressing yourself to others.  Never forget though that you will ALWAYS  have the support of mummy and daddy. 

Finally, I just want to say how proud we both are of you. We have watched you, in the beginning, staring at lights all day in the first few months of your life to watching far top many ' how to ' videos on YouTube. 

I love you as your own person and even though it is frustrating when you are so you stubborn it is merely I sign of how determined and motivated you are. I know that you will achieve because you have the drive.

Regardless of what path you take in life, always know that mummy and daddy love you dearly.

Love always Mummy X


Routine

Hey Readers,

My word of the week is:
Image result for routine
This is because my son on Monday started full days at nursery. I have learnt to adapt this week to the changes of times when collecting and dropping off my boy. 

I also have to get the other child in my life goes to nursery
.
As my son eats a main meal at school I have also had to change the meal times which is a bit frustrating when you have to adapt.

 Especially when going out shopping then trying to rush an about in the kitchen like a crazy woman.

In other news my youngest this week he seems to be having the most awful tantrums that can last for like 10-15 mins. It is unusual as he normally doesn't last three minutes usually. Oh boy, do they hurt your ears as they are frequent causing me to be so tired having to deal with the drama? 

When we picked up my eldest he decided to have a fit because I would not get him an ice-cream from the shop. 

So all the way back from the school to the home he whaled and screeched. I hope this is a short period and hope it is linked just from tiredness at the return of going to nursery.

Hope you enjoyed your week.

Cheers for reading X

Wednesday 14 September 2016

Brrrr

Hey Readers,
My word of the week is:
Image result for freezing

because oh my word it is bloody freezing at night and I am terribly British and love to moan about all things weather-related, why the hell not. Though, I am still refusing to turn the heating on until November, unless it is awful then I may be weakened to do it. I am so tight...haha!

But I have enjoyed fluffy socks, cosy pjs and dressing gowns. Cuddling under the throws and not really wanting to leave the home because it is so horribly cold with that eastly wind. I do quite like the feeling of being safe inside whilst looking out of the window at the grey clouds hovering around aimlessly.

I have also enjoyed recently buying a few bits and bobs for Halloween, it is so fun and the boys have loved wearing their Halloween dressing up outfits. My eldest has decided he is called 'Bone Man' as he wears his Halloween outfit with all the bones every night.

 It also glows in the dark so we have had fun running around crazy but at least it has kept them entertained for a little while.

Cheers for reading X

Friday 2 September 2016

Ftmob - September

Hey readers,
It us that time to record them special moments with your little ones.
Both my boys were playing lovely together on mummy and daddy's bed. U was in the next room and I overheard this conversation. DS1 says to DS2, "you be mummy I be daddy"  you then can hear movement. DS1 announces, "Mummy it's ten o'clock time to get up". I wish I could lay in till ten haha!
After watching Power Rangers DS1 declares to me that, "Mummy if I take your backbone out you will go all wobble like they did in the power rangers".what a lovely thought 💭
DS1 when shocked or surprised he says ever so sweetly, "oh my goodness".
We went to our local museum recently where they were showing an exhibition all about Lego. My DS1 commented, "were at Lego Land". I thought this was cute. i don't mind because it is free and feel guilty because he keeps seeing the ads on TV for Lego Land and he so desperately wants to go. But sadly we can't afford it but coming here today he was overjoyed and contended.
When my DS1 is thinking or sees something slightly different he comments by saying, hang on a minute".
Thanks for reading X

Wednesday 31 August 2016

compassion

I am here,
With my listening ear,
I know how it feels
The hurt and upset,
I understand,
I want to help,

Even if it is to just listen.

Friday 19 August 2016

Walking

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

WALKING


This is because the sun has been shining and the boys have mainly requesting to visit the park. I took advance now as we all know that rain will eventually greet us!

I have been forcing myself out when sometimes like to hide away because you know people are scary ;)! 

I digress I have been upping up my walking and pushing myself that little more. We went out as a family for a walk for two-three hours and it has been fun. Where we live locally there is a Plantasia and a maze world. 

There is a cute little farm and we even got to see the little baby chicken which was super cute!

In other news, I don't whether it is a phase or not but my eldest has really been pushing my buttons the past two weeks. he has proper got an attitude and speaking back. 

I struggle to keep calm and not get wound up. So I had a couple of times take myself away as I am learning to with new challenge. Parenting never-ending challenges that we have to deal 
with and adapt, joy!

Hope you had a good week.

Cheers for reading X