Thursday 1 October 2015

Outdoors

Hey readers,
My word of the week is:
 
 
Outdoors
 
 
 
 
This is because we have been out.and about and just generally having fun with my boys.
As you are probably aware we have been blessed with a few days of sunshine and warmth. Obviously, being British weather you have to cease the moment.
Therefore we have been exploring local parks, including a new one which was refreshing to have new scenery. We also had lovely crisp walks crunching the leaves and  even having the odd ice cream.
We also ventured out to Button Dassett country park which is brillant for little kids as it allows them to be free to walk about without worrying about cars. We also got to watch the sunset setting on top of a hill which was lovely do as a family.
That pretty sums up my week, hope you have had a good week.
Cheers for reading X
 
 
 


Thursday 24 September 2015

Upheaval

Hey readers,
My word of the week is:-
 
 
 
 Upheaval
 
I have chosen upheaval for my word as I feel so much change happening right now in my life.
My boy had his birthday and just feel like time is going to fast.  I want to stop it but I need to accept that is.the nature of life.  I keep reminding myself that it is what it is and that somethings  are out of my control and that what is important to mu health is tocalm down and just enjoy the moment. This is always probably going to be a big challenge to me. It is so hard to relax as a parent especially when there is so much noise goqong on in your head.
Some days I don't know whether I am coming or going and other days run smoothly. It is hard work being a parent and trying to get it right and not screw it up too much. Argh.
Anyhow, I feel hormonal tight now so that makes a bit more tricky. Hopefully with some quiet time at the weekend things will pan out more better for me. Sorry for the chaoticness in my writing but this is how I have been feeling this week. Fingers crossed next week I will be a bit more calmer.
Have a good week and thank you for reading X

Wednesday 23 September 2015

Selection of chat with the boys

Hey readers,
Gathered up a selection of the finest chat with the toddlers, haha. Here goes:-

  • My son running around like a helicopter pretending and saying 'emergency, emergency, crash'. You can imagine it arms out doing this down isles, parks anywhere really. You got love kids imagination!
  • I ask my eldest how old will he be when he has his birthday? 'Mummy I will be four next' so cute and so proud to inform me that, bless.
  • My eldest informs me with such urgency, 'mummy, my shoes don't fit anymore and i need to get my feet measured as they are way too big'. Now I shall inform you that he made this decision when he overheard me talking to daddy and discussing the fact that  we need to get the boys feet measured soon.
  • I asked my eldest what he wants to do  for the day and he responded by saying that he 'wants to go on a bouncealine'. Got to love the made up words kids create.
  • My youngest son can now say a handful of words which include ballon, me please, book, shoes. Today was the first time he waved and said goodbye.
  • My youngest is also in between babble and chat and loves making sounds. He has a geko cuddly toy and learnt from his older brother the sound of a dinosaur. He now is fixated with making this sound a lot which is ever so cute as it is such a gentle noice.
  • My eldest has learnt the word YouTube and asks if he can a video on YouTube all nthe time. must be a very popular word for tots or I am a very bad parent, haha.
  • My son spontaneously told me speed bumps go up and down and demonstrated with jumping up and down like a kangaroo.
  • My youngest son pushes his play pushchair into living room and I followed him behind and my son turns around and says stop with his hand out, checky monkey!
I do love this stage of childhood it really makes me laugh and surprises me how much little ones take in, genius!
 
Cheers for reading X
 


Thursday 17 September 2015

Change

Hey readers,
My word of the week is
 
 Change
 
 
 
A lot has happened over the past few months that can only be described as testing. At times I really felt that I won not be able to manage but lucky I have had so much support from my husband. Though it has been rocky for all my family we are still hear and shown the world that we can do it.  I know I am not perfect and have disabilities that effect me as a person and a parent but with the correct support we have moved forward. Finally it feels like we have seen a light at the end of the tunnel.Though I have lost things on the way I will always be committed to my children. So I am celebrating a new direction and change  in my  life and feel so much more positive.
Thank you for reading and sorry it is so cryptic but don't want to air my laundry in public as it is very personal.  But this event has had a huge impact mentally and physically this week that it was only right to include it this Week!


Friday 11 September 2015

Nursery

Hey readers,
The word that sums up my week is:
 Nursery
 
This week has seen the return of my eldest going back to nursery after the half term. Boy has it really affected him with tiredness. I have found a bit.difficult to handle as he has been beyond tired and very emotional.
I am currently on a parentimg course to help mange the way I parent better. So I have incorporated a few changes such as putting less stimuli available for my eldest. This is because he finds it hard to wind down and therefore needs fewer distractions at night when he struggles the worst.
I have started with putting calming music on, toys away at a certain time, speaking whispers etc. We shall see how that goes as it is early days and I've honest it is hard work changing and trying to improve a situation especially have cognitive imparenments myself. Some days I wish there was a manual as it can be quite overwhelming for me.
I could not forget a big event happening in my life this week with my youngest going to nursery this week. He previously went to a different nursery before the summer hoildays but did not get the funding. This time we have found some funding which is great. He absolutely loves it and has settled in really well with no tears or anything. He used to the building as brother goes there and has already been in a similar setting which is a Bonus.   I just caught him today without his knowledge and it is lovely to watch and see how independent and how happy he is.
Cheers for reading X

Friday 4 September 2015

Greedy

why you so greedy?
All you do is
Take and want,
One day
You will lose,
And have nothing,
To show.

Half term

Hey readers,
My word of the week is:

half term

This is because it is half term and I love good old cliché ;)

It has been lovely not to rush around in the morning but we have also been decorating the boy's bedroom. 

So long days and chaos. It will be worth in the end however it is currently solid work. Plus trying to entertain children has made me a bit worn out.

Though I did enjoy rythme time this week with the boys. We have not done it for so long as the boys are both in the nursery now. 

The boys enjoyed the library with singing and having the opportunity to choose a book. It really is the simple things that can give you so much pleasure. I have learnt so much recently in watching children and their perspective.

 You always think you will be the teacher when you become a parent. That is not always the case as children teach you things too.

Anyhow enough of the emotional crap I had a day out child-free this week also. I so needed a break and I went to Birmingham. I went on the tram as I am a bit of a geek like that. I love it, it is so ace and easy to get to places. I now have to take my boy which I know he will love it so much!

Also while I was in Birmingham I treated myself to some gorgeous multi-coloured pens from Paperchase.

Cheers for reading X


Thursday 3 September 2015

Relaxing

My word of the week is:-
 
 
Relaxing
 
 
 
After having a week away in Norfolk with the family it has really helped relax me and feel motivated. Nothing better then getting away from it all from the daily grin of day to day stuff. 
One aspect of hoildaying that I enjoyed is seeing different scenes and being able to relax without having to have the typical thoughts at home of how.am I am going to fit everything all in.
The hoilday has also given me time to be a more relaxed mummy to the boys and have some fun creating memories.
It is not all about being chilled though as  the week also was challenging for me. The holiday helped me face up to some of the mental challenges I face. Particularly the intrusive and ritualistic thoughts that I experience due to my OCD. It has helped me deal with the thoughts face on. Because when I am at home I can get easily distracted by life at home. Though the thoughts are not pleasant it has helped me feel more on control and show me that thoughts are simply thoughts and they can not get me!
But the best bit has to be returning home and sinking deep into your own bed. Nothing beats it really?!
Thanks for reading X


Hey readers,
My word for the week is September as it is September and it feels like a new start.
 
 
 September
 
 
 I associate September with the start of the new academic year. It.is also my son's final year at nursery then he will start school. It feels like a final chapter for my son though I don't get sad about it but clebrate my son's achievement. My son has come such a long way and makes me very proud.
This week was the return for my son to nursery and at first he was really down. This is because it is kinda new for him as he is in a new room with different children and workers. However. that did not last long as when I went to collect him he found his spring which I don't think it was influenced by being able to do tons of painting ;)
I love September as I feel this time of year has a sense of calm maybe because it is cooler time of year, people feel more relaxed. Alternatively, I may just associate these feelings with my childhood or maybe I don't have to completely intensively have to look after my child. Not that don't love my child but it is bloody hard work when they are young and don't get a break
I do love the cooler air, darker nights and the colours that are found at this time of year.
Thanks for reading X

Cold

Hey readers,
My word of the week is:

Cold

It just seems to be me but in my household I am freezing even when the sunshine is out. Though can't moan too much as it has been beautiful and I have enjoyed getting out and snapping some beautiful sunsets. Which is probably good as hubby is rearranging wires and moving furniture around . The kitchen and living room is chaos. I hate mess and disruption. I dont know how other people copy with it but it leaves me feeling irritated and powerless. I think I am a control freak and like order. I hate it when things are not in order and a mess. Though I have been colouring more as a result to help distress me and take my mind away from the sawdust floor. On a positive note we had a Chinese and oh my word have not had one for a long time but it was amazing and thr added benefit of not having to worry about cooking. 
I have also joined a course to teach me the skills to be mindfu. I can't promise I will be chilled and less anxious . still I am willing to learn anything that might help me be more  relaxed.
Hope you have a good week!
Cheers for reading X



Monday 31 August 2015

Under my nose

Why I do feel so angry,
At the injustice,
Hearing them speak,
Why can't they be human,
Instead of turning a blind eye.

Friday 21 August 2015

Sleepy

Hey readers,
My word of the week is sleepy.
I think this because of returning from holiday and being blessed with a cold, boo!
I find it so hard to get back into a routine especially when you have double the amount of washing. Not to mention having to prepare dinners. How irritating and I already miss being on holiday. As when we were away we went out most of the time or opted for really easy meals. God I hate cooking when it is something I have to do. The rebel inside me says Nooooo and feel.so confined with it feeling like a chore!
Still at least I got to catch up on admin with my blog, which is always blessing.
Another celebration is getting through the fifth week of summer holidays. Can you believe it, it has gone so fast. Reflecting back just before my sons broke up from nursery I dreaded how I was going to get through the intense period. But some how you just get into the routine and things juss fly past.
I am a bit sad though as just found found out today my son will not be returning to nursery. This is because they could not have the funding for my youngest nursery placement but I am not dwelling on it too much as he will start in January as he will be.entitled to his two year funding.  However, part of me is happy as I get to spend more one on one time with my boy. This gives me a change to explore different places with him without being restricted to getting him to nursery and collecting him.
Now all I can think of is my bed and sleep: D
Thanks for reading X


Wednesday 12 August 2015

swollen

My throat hurts
No more pain,
Please leave
My body is done.

Wednesday 5 August 2015

Light

The responsibility has gone,
I feel lighter,
Knowing it is out,
 now I weight,
With nothing else,
To do.

Tuesday 4 August 2015

Leave me

Don't leave me,
I'm scared
I don't know nothing,
Life to scary,
With no instructions

Chat from the boys

Hey readers,
It's a new week and here is my recent collection of funny chat  from my son or milestone regarding speech.

  • When my support worked comes to see me my eldest instantly knows it relates to me and my well being. He makes it very clear that 'I'm going look after mummy'.
  • When my eldest does not like something or does not want to do the requests from other he says 'no,no,no,no,no,no' cue x10000 times!
  • Every time we tell my eldest something he responds by saying 'yeah I know' in a very typical Little Britain style or like a three year old going on on 13 with an attitude.
  • The other day when we come back from shopping and walking home my son stubbornly says to to me 'I can carry my owl, umbrella and the cheese for daddy '. Refusing any help even though he is blatantly struggling. When did kids Get so independent hey!
  • So I am drawing around the silhouette of my son's thumb and he responds very grown up saying 'that is perfect mummy', I feel proud because I have my son's seal of approval, I'm winning!
  • On the bus full of people and the bus driver drives past Ikea and my son shouts out mega loud 'mummmmmy, I want to go to Ikea'. Honest I don't own him ;)
  • When my son finishes his meal I say to him are you full and he responds by saying 'all my food in my tummy and it is going to make me be very big and strong'.
  • When I was out with my sons at the park I let my youngest be free to wonder and he runs straight to the ice cream van, turns to me smiles and points and says 'meeeeeeeeeee' clearly letting me know he wants one thing and one thing only!
  • With my eldest when we were chatting he says mummy you not got a Willy and then he pretends to magically provide me  with one  and says I give you a willy on your tummy'. Thanks son just what I have always wanted.
  • Finally my youngest has now managed to say mummy but not to sure how I feel mixed with loriud and omg that's it now I am going hear two lkoads of mummmmmy, haha!
That's my round up done and dusted,
 
Cheers for reading X
 



Thursday 23 July 2015

chaos


Hey readers,
Hope your enjoying or surviving the first week of summer holidays. My week I feel is chaos. As much as I love spending time with my children it can be quite difficult managing intense periods of togetherness. I'm lucky though that my son can spend periods of time playing by himself but my youngest is quite clingy plus my hubby is working long hours to fix our car as the clutch is going. So, it feels more  tiring especially now that the routine has been pulled away. It is hard for me to replace a new schedule into our lives in the beginning. I am autistic and therefore this is one thing that as a parent i should manage but for me personally it is the biggest challenge to deal with change. But slowly getting to grips of adapting though I never thought shopping would take as long with a toddler that toddles behind! When I feel dread over some aspact if parenting I also try to remember to take baby steps and try not to focus on the bigger picture.  But on the positive we have more free time to explore days out without having to rely on structure and we can be a bit more impulse or have the odd late night. That is the fun side of sumner holidayd and creating memories.
Have a great week X



Tuesday 14 July 2015

ftmob 14/07/2015

Hey readers,
So here is some snipets of quotes delivered by my sons this week but bear in mind my youngest is more one worded  jargon at the moment!
So, I everyday as an activity with my DS1 complete a weather chart and we go through what the day is, date, month and what the weather has to bring during the day. So on Monday I try to motivate my son to take part in this activity and with his toy in one hand whilst walking away from me replies "sorry mummy I am too busy". He is getting such a checky humour later I just can't help myself from laughing out loud. He certainly does make me smile!
At nursery my son has been learning all about caterpillars and how they transform into beautiful butterflies, yes we have read the hungry caterpillar several times. My son finds this subject very interesting as he demonstrates this phenomenon to me by telling me that, "caterpillars turn into flutterbyes". He further demonstrates this to me by getting his hands flat and spread out together and flutters therm vastly like your typical butterfly does.
When at nursery a member of staff asked what does my son not like and he responded by saying, "potatoes". This is interesting as he loves chips and roast potatoes, haha!
Now moving on to my DS2 and when wanting him to give me the toy from his hand the refused and even directly asking him, "please may mummy have that toy?" In response as crystical clear says "no!!!!". He has started to form such a big personslity for someone sdo small and has totally transforming especially now that he is less jargon like and moving on to sounds and even the odd word. There will be trouble soon as I can see augments between both my sons trying to get the first word in, eek!
Thanks for reading my round up of the week X


Friday 10 July 2015

Acceptasnce

Hey readers,
 Hope your keeping well. This week has gone so fast that I have only noticed that today is Friday, where does time go, I'm getting old!
Anyhow, to sum up my week in a word would be

Aceeptance
 
Sometime in life you filled with what ifs and crippling guilt, mine mostly revolves around being a mummy and trying achieved this unreachable ideal that if I am honest I will never achieve. Not to mention the constant pressure of reading about this whole notion of appreciating your child every second of every bloody day, time is short and never get it back mentality. I will be honest here it's hard so hard that I am so absorbed with trying to hold on to them moments that I lose out in just being and having fun with my children. The fact of the matter is my children will grow up and get older and that is something that is out of my control!. Yes it is sad but you know you have a problem when it titally absorbs you and get lost in that realm of fear and dread every single day. It is a horrible place to be when all you think about is time ticking by and the fear of the unknown. Did I ever mention that not being in control.
I went to a fire service open day with my son on Saturday and the battery of my camera was dead, I was even in the middle of dragging my son away to town to purchase a disposable camera as my thoughts were I need a photo and if I don't get a photo my life will fall apart. I was stressed, anxious and generally just  plan miserable. Till I spoke to my husband who brought me back to reality in that so what if I don't get photos just being with my son and creating memories is so more important. This negative feelings is not making me nor my children happy and what counts is to just enjoy the moment and don't put pressure on your self. My son is so much more happier when I am relaxed and generally not giving a fuck, that is what he will remember the fun times, not a sodding photograph. It is so hard in this social media times to get bogged down with these stupid messages of pressure. What is most important is to accept your child will grow up and yes it is sad but it is more important to enjoy the time with your children. They will always have them memories and you can't capture everything nor can you remember it, it is just not possible. So accepting that fact that and try to chill out take some snaps but don't let it take you away from being in the moment. I need to remind myself that what is important is my children's happiness. Letsd just remember pre digitital photograph when disposiasbke cameras were taken and that was that, not everything documented and nothing terrible happened. I certainly still cherish good times so it is not the end of the world.
 
 
Thanks for reading X




Tuesday 7 July 2015

Secondary Primary Caregiver

Hey readers,

This week has been somewhat challenging. My son has been sick and my routine has been changed. I am autistic therefore find change difficult, not to mention long periods of time with my children is hard and mentally draining for me.

Now I do have my husband as my carer due to my disability. As we are both are at home we can split the care if we wish. It allows me to have a break. However,  when I do I feel a break I am left feeling dreadful and guilty.

Why do I feel like this? well, because I feel I am not competent in being an adequate mother. I feel like a failure, maybe it is because I feel like I have been conditioned to feel like this.

I know there was an interesting drama on the telly some time ago, reflecting on real-life situations of parents who are disabled and the fear of social services taking their children away.

I worry about what happens when my husband, God forbid dies in an accident, would social services take my children away? In one sense I would be doing more jobs like cooking etc. 

So, maybe I may just deal with it and I wouldn't have as much time to think and reflect, therefore not feeling as bad.

One professional who I discussed my fears with regarding the situation about if hubby dies. She was very comforting with her words, saying that I would just deal with the situation and readjust to a new routine. I probably get some additional help.

 She works closely with social services and worked with other individuals with additional needs. She did say I had to be really bad to get my children taken off me. She knew that I worked really hard, open to professionals and I wasn't as bad as I feel inside my own head.

Why do I feel scared then? I feel that I am autistic and Like I would be judged for my downfalls, even though sometimes my autism can enhance my parenting!

The guilt eats away at me, I feel I should be working that bit harder as an autistic parent to make up for my incompetence. I feel I should focus more on my child. Of course, there are times when my husband is not around and I look after both children and funnily enough there is nothing bad that happened.

It is the battle I feel that I have to fight every single day. I dread some days because it is only me who is beating myself mentally for not being good enough parent. I feel as I am the secondary caregiver and that my role is not good enough. 

Even though I work my ass off and having to do more things consciously that others would take it as the water of a duck's back. I blame myself for having to have breaks and not for feeling better after. The guilt that I should be enjoying being with my child and not want to escape. But at times that is just what I want to do.

 Escape from the noise and having to focus all my attention on the child. Having to work overtime to plan and to perform in the correct manner. It is so exhausting and sometimes I just want to stop thinking.

Sometimes I feel that I am not worthy of being a parent because of my autism. I will influence their development and if anything goes wrong then I blame myself for not being good enough.  It is easy to get in this cycle especially if you have low self-worth. 

You feel isolated as there is not enough support for autistic parenting. We don't fall under the mental health or learning disabilities section, meaning that we are stranded, stuck and confused. 

That is how I feel. Being in a neurotypical world I am constantly battling and sometimes it is just my thoughts, other times I feel there are real barriers that hinder my performance.

Cheers for reading X