Thursday 18 June 2015

Busy

Hey readers,
 
 So thinking of a word that sums up my week it would be busy.
Got a couple meetings and though they are only an hour or two coubbled with dealing with dropping off and collecting toddlers (both go to nursery but a different times and different nursery's) it soon eats away at your time. It does not help that it is my hubbys and mum's birthday along with the in-laws coming from Wales which will be lovely for the boys. But sometimes it can all feel a bit raggh and hopefully wishing for more hours in the day. On boy do I sound old and a cliché!
With being a parent I sometimes think it is so hard to get a balance with stuff going on and managing time. At times for me it is uber busy and I don't have a minute to myself and then on the other end of the scale I am suffering from cabin fever (tends to normally occur when it is raining, FFS!) and desperately want to go out somewhere.
At least on the positive side we are creating memories and I am not all the time having to be the 24-7 entertainer so that kinda gives me a break. Anyhow, I digress but primarily I hope there is some sunshine as I am most looking forward to cake. Did I mention that I suggested the idea on the impulse to make the cake and the fact that I am s**t at cooking, well not rubbish just not very good with measurements and instructions. Lol
Hope you have a lovely week and thank you for reading X


Friday 5 June 2015

Pain

Hey readers,
 
Well the word I thought was best fitting for me to write about this week is pain. I know it is associated with negative images/meanings but I try thing my self as honest and this week has been a big struggle as I have had a throat infection and been in so much pain.
I won't lie I love  moan within reason and thing out is good to let out your feelings and can really be helpful when an illness makes you feel like hojhr4not so energetic self.
My throat has made me feel in so much paint6that it has been hard to motivate myself to do a lot and the main thing I struggle with is cooking. I'm not a massive fan of cooking when it something that I have to do so it was a real tester to get my act together and cook. Urgh! Pain!
Now I know this is a Wingy post (I haven't got time to wings anywhere else what with two active tots) so I am going write it here. I'm in bloddy pain and I feel I am haulsknbating about my bed and sleep, oh the thought!
OK back to reality, yes my throat has caused a lot I'd pain and really brought me to tears but also in an perverse sort of way it has slowed me down which is a positive. As my mind is very, very, very, very active and the sort of person to sit down for 5 so though I have had pasin it has also given me time to recharge my batteries. It has also stopped or not focused ass much my OCD thoughts (suffer with odd for years) and it has been bad recently it has helped me reflect and think about sim;me things. Not just that but stopping my casthropic and ritualistic habits gave really helped reduce my anxiety. So, there is pro's and con's with everything and you just got to taskje what you can from thee sitiasdyion.
So there you have it. Enjoy your week X







Wednesday 20 May 2015

Autumn

The times are changing,
Everything is moving,
The temperature dips,
Whilst colours evolve.
The craving for home
Is a strong game,
To the shut the door,
Hideaway,
Safe from any danger.

Thursday 14 May 2015

heart ache

My heart aches,
I wish I could stop the anger,
The confusion,
I can handle my own disability,
But now my child has it,
I feel angry at myself,
Giving the guilty genes,
Making him feel anxious,
Knowing soon there will be,
A time when he knows,
Others see him differently
And slowly hate himself.

Monday 11 May 2015

I'm wide awake.

I'm wide awake now,
Looking back over
What happened.
What is the meaning,
Is there more to this
And how do you accept
The fate that lies.

Tuesday 28 April 2015

who am I?

Who am I?
I don't know who I am anymore,
I have lost sight,
Of the person who I once was.

Friday 24 April 2015

Waiting

The waiting is the hardest,
Not knowing,
No answers,
Just holding on.
I have no control,
I am left stranded,
My future is in their hands.

Tuesday 21 April 2015

checking

The constant checking,
to find a formula,
that appears to calculate,
my need for answers,
but instead
End up in a tangled up mess.

Tuesday 7 April 2015

my heart aches

My heart aches,
I'm reminded of my failures,
My mind is holding on
To not knowing,
I have lost the will,
My energy is low,
I can't think,
I just feel the ache,
Of not being good enough

Sunday 31 August 2014

Waiting, wanting 

Waiting for something,
For all the answers,
That overflow
My tiny mind,
Maybe one day
It will come,
Till then

I will be waiting.

Tuesday 26 August 2014

shouty mummy

Hey readers,

Today I lost my cool, I have had enough of bickering, the noise, my  anxiety and just generaal fucking life. I scream becuase I can't cope, I don't know what to say to husband, who trys be the reasoner, who quite frankly pisses me off becuase he is better then I will ever be.

I am useless, all the parent training, all the promises have gone straight out of the windown yet again. I am full of shit.

I can't communicate anything to anyone,
 I just want everyone to shut the fuck up. I mean  honestly who gives a fuck about mega bricks.
I am angry at the kids, at the husband at me for losing a stupid letter. I misplace everything and can't get it together. My life has fallen apart at this moment.

I never get anything right, I make empty promises.

I try to be calm next time.

I try to listen next time.

Instead I am full of wasted air.

I try not to let my anxiety get in the way and do stupid activities that are not ideal or convenient because I  can't be rational. I can't work things out like most people can. I have to do something then and not later. I push, push, push! 

Story.Of.My.Life.

I lose my shit, get angry have a meltdown and escape to my bedroom leaving everything like a world war there zone and my husband can deal with the aftermath of my force.

I am a useless piece of shit that expects too much from everyone. I have no patience, I am too literal and always fuck up! 

I constantly question why I had children, am I fit mother and just dealth everything I do. I find it hard to imagine how breeze through parenthood whereas I feel a total mess at each stage of the journey.

This is me.

Thanks for reading X


Monday 21 July 2014

where to begin

I don't know where to begin,
I'm just tired,
Keeping my head above,
Is the hardest thing.

Tuesday 8 July 2014

waiting

I know the time will come,
until then I wait,
In desperation,
not knowing what to expect,
million thoughts,
lead to one outcome,
still, I am waiting.

Tuesday 1 July 2014

My Moment

Is my moment now?
Does all the other stuff matter?
What counts towards my path?
No one can tell me,
The door is open for me
To decide where I walk.

Monday 16 June 2014

i wonder where

I wonder where I would be,
If I didn't go down that road,
My mind is buzzing,
With all the other options,
But alas I am here,
As it is meant to be.

Tuesday 3 June 2014

physical attraction

I bite my lip
because no words
help me
when my mind is blank.
I can knowledge pain
without the words
that is how roll
with this autistic stuff