Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Autumn

The times are changing,
Everything is moving,
The temperature dips,
Whilst colours evolve.
The craving for home
Is a strong game,
To the shut the door,
Hideaway,
Safe from any danger.

Thursday, 14 May 2015

heart ache

My heart aches,
I wish I could stop the anger,
The confusion,
I can handle my own disability,
But now my child has it,
I feel angry at myself,
Giving the guilty genes,
Making him feel anxious,
Knowing soon there will be,
A time when he knows,
Others see him differently
And slowly hate himself.

Monday, 11 May 2015

I'm wide awake.

I'm wide awake now,
Looking back over
What happened.
What is the meaning,
Is there more to this
And how do you accept
The fate that lies.

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

who am I?

Who am I?
I don't know who I am anymore,
I have lost sight,
Of the person who I once was.

Friday, 24 April 2015

Waiting

The waiting is the hardest,
Not knowing,
No answers,
Just holding on.
I have no control,
I am left stranded,
My future is in their hands.

Tuesday, 21 April 2015

checking

The constant checking,
to find a formula,
that appears to calculate,
my need for answers,
but instead
End up in a tangled up mess.

Tuesday, 7 April 2015

my heart aches

My heart aches,
I'm reminded of my failures,
My mind is holding on
To not knowing,
I have lost the will,
My energy is low,
I can't think,
I just feel the ache,
Of not being good enough

Sunday, 31 August 2014

Waiting, wanting 

Waiting for something,
For all the answers,
That overflow
My tiny mind,
Maybe one day
It will come,
Till then

I will be waiting.

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

shouty mummy

Hey readers,

Today I lost my cool, I have had enough of bickering, the noise, my  anxiety and just generaal fucking life. I scream becuase I can't cope, I don't know what to say to husband, who trys be the reasoner, who quite frankly pisses me off becuase he is better then I will ever be.

I am useless, all the parent training, all the promises have gone straight out of the windown yet again. I am full of shit.

I can't communicate anything to anyone,
 I just want everyone to shut the fuck up. I mean  honestly who gives a fuck about mega bricks.
I am angry at the kids, at the husband at me for losing a stupid letter. I misplace everything and can't get it together. My life has fallen apart at this moment.

I never get anything right, I make empty promises.

I try to be calm next time.

I try to listen next time.

Instead I am full of wasted air.

I try not to let my anxiety get in the way and do stupid activities that are not ideal or convenient because I  can't be rational. I can't work things out like most people can. I have to do something then and not later. I push, push, push! 

Story.Of.My.Life.

I lose my shit, get angry have a meltdown and escape to my bedroom leaving everything like a world war there zone and my husband can deal with the aftermath of my force.

I am a useless piece of shit that expects too much from everyone. I have no patience, I am too literal and always fuck up! 

I constantly question why I had children, am I fit mother and just dealth everything I do. I find it hard to imagine how breeze through parenthood whereas I feel a total mess at each stage of the journey.

This is me.

Thanks for reading X


Monday, 21 July 2014

where to begin

I don't know where to begin,
I'm just tired,
Keeping my head above,
Is the hardest thing.

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

waiting

I know the time will come,
until then I wait,
In desperation,
not knowing what to expect,
million thoughts,
lead to one outcome,
still, I am waiting.

Tuesday, 1 July 2014

My Moment

Is my moment now?
Does all the other stuff matter?
What counts towards my path?
No one can tell me,
The door is open for me
To decide where I walk.

Monday, 16 June 2014

i wonder where

I wonder where I would be,
If I didn't go down that road,
My mind is buzzing,
With all the other options,
But alas I am here,
As it is meant to be.

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

physical attraction

I bite my lip
because no words
help me
when my mind is blank.
I can knowledge pain
without the words
that is how roll
with this autistic stuff