Waiting, wanting

Waiting for something,

For all the answers,

That overflow

My tiny mind,

Maybe one day

It will come,

Till then

I will be waiting.

shouty mummy

Hey readers,

Today I lost my cool, I have had enough of bickering, the noise, my  anxiety and just generaal fucking life. I scream becuase I can't cope, I don't know what to say to husband, who trys be the reasoner, who quite frankly pisses me off becuase he is better then I will ever be.

I am useless, all the parent training, all the promises have gone straight out of the windown yet again. I am full of shit.

I can't communicate anything to anyone,

 I just want everyone to shut the fuck up. I mean  honestly who gives a fuck about mega bricks.

I am angry at the kids, at the husband at me for losing a stupid letter. I misplace everything and can't get it together. My life has fallen apart at this moment.

I never get anything right, I make empty promises.

I try to be calm next time.

I try to listen next time.

Instead I am full of wasted air.

I try not to let my anxiety get in the way and do stupid activities that are not ideal or convenient because I  can't be rational. I can't work things out like most people can. I have to do something then and not later. I push, push, push! 

Story.Of.My.Life.

I lose my shit, get angry have a meltdown and escape to my bedroom leaving everything like a world war there zone and my husband can deal with the aftermath of my force.

I am a useless piece of shit that expects too much from everyone. I have no patience, I am too literal and always fuck up! 

I constantly question why I had children, am I fit mother and just dealth everything I do. I find it hard to imagine how breeze through parenthood whereas I feel a total mess at each stage of the journey.

This is me.

Thanks for reading X

where to begin

I don't know where to begin,

I'm just tired,

Keeping my head above,

Is the hardest thing.

waiting

I know the time will come,

until then I wait,

In desperation,

not knowing what to expect,

million thoughts,

lead to one outcome,

still, I am waiting.

My Moment

Is my moment now?

Does all the other stuff matter?

What counts towards my path?

No one can tell me,

The door is open for me

To decide where I walk.

i wonder where

I wonder where I would be,

If I didn't go down that road,

My mind is buzzing,

With all the other options,

But alas I am here,

As it is meant to be.

physical attraction

I bite my lip

because no words

help me

when my mind is blank.

I can knowledge pain

without the words

that is how roll

with this autistic stuff