Autistic Blogger!

Hey readers,

I hear this term branded around a lot through the bloggershere called 'tribe', to me, it feels like we are back in the playground. 

Maybe because I don't really connect to people the same way others do because of my autism. It makes me feel maybe a bit isolated or that I am missing out on a better support network.

The big question is, do you need a tribe of people to connect with to empower and motivate you? does it make you more successful? these are the kind of questions I think about a lot. 

I suppose it depends on what you really want and need from people, I guess. For me the whole tribe business makes me feel like a failure yet again at life, it is another point score if you are in with the right crowd and for me being autistic that will never be. 

Yes OK if your autistic should you be worried about having such feelings of loss and for me yes it does get to me at times. It would be nice to bounce ideas off with others but the fear of rejection is much stronger.

 I don't really have an answer. I think it is really down to my state of mind having an influence when I am engaging in social media platforms.

Sometimes you get a feeling to be a successful blogger you have to be in some kind of tribe with others. It is a real shame I feel as you not always getting merit for your work but in who you know instead. 

Fairplay to people that do, because it takes a lot of additional work other than just writing content to make a blog successful. 

A major factor is engaging in social media as a form of communicating with the audience or attending events that help achieve recognition and achievement statues. 

Sadly, I don't feel I will ever truly get to grips connecting on such a level, but that is ok because I do have a disability that limits me. 

Whether I like it or not, somethings I can improve, somethings I can't but having the knowledge to accept that is a milestone for me personally.

Sometimes, you get what you put in and for me, I can only do so much before I have pushed past my threshold and want to collapse with mental exhaustion.

Until you start a blog and work on social media, you really don't realise what hard work it is with keep plugging away and reaching out. As they say, nothing comes for free.

One major attribute that influences my performance or connecting to people is communication. It is like the backbone of what affects autism. It plays such a huge role on and offline. 

My brain is overloaded as it is with all the rules I need to remember. I stick to the rules that I can follow and it is not the 'norm', it's controlled and I don't feel I am being rude but maybe I am being very rigid and not flexible with my thinking but then again that is an effect of my autism interfering its ugly head.

It would be wonderful to have someone to connect with but I don't feel it is important right now but maybe next week I may different about the whole thing. But sadly autism is selfish and it hinders you. 

It never leaves you or lets you forget that there is a big influence there right in your brain controlling your interpretations on everything that you are exposed to.

 It really sucks at times but other times it is the fuel that keeps my fire burning inside of me.

OK, I have bitched and have been a moany cow so I am going to focus on a positive here. People aren't aware of how much I have come along in my improvements in me. 

Blogging has given me a voice to express whatever I feel I want to share. When I am having a meltdown it has been a tool to distract me from all the things going one and stops me getting overloaded when I can simply focus on just writing. It has calmed me when I have been so angry I have wanted to explode. 

It has helped me to understand who I am and try to take on board other people's perspective (which is a real struggle at the best of times). It has taught me on a basic level how to have simple conversations and it further help me develop as a person with autism.

So, what is the point of this ramble, well I am just trying to find a way to accept me with my disability. I want others to understand particularly what it is like for female adults with autism.

Who knew blogging would be such a learning journey to think about yourself and where you are in the pecking order even though I don't really know what I want. 

I think if I look internally I want to feel accepted from others, though I don't know whether that will ever happen. Maybe I just feel really lonely and a bit sad today when I see others in the world can just make friends and excel verbally. 

I seem to fall over at the first hurdle. It is hard as blogging is so social and if you want to grow networking is crucial I feel.

For me personally most of the time I go about my days winging it and trying to keep my head above water whilst others speed pass by me.

That my readers are what my personal take is of an autistic blogger in a social climate in the blog world.

Cheers for reading X

How sensory helps me relax.

Hey readers,

Autism is hard at times to manage and I feel crap recently because I seem to be having frequent meltdowns due to added pressure socially. Plus additional important information I need process and adapt to new changes. 

So I have tried new ways to incorporate relation techniques into my daily life to help make me relax a bit more.

I know Asperger affects me in a way where I like doing physical hand movement type things as oppose to say thinking/meditating type things. I find some sensory activities can cause stress but others can create relaxation for me and stop me to obsessively checking of thinking  (as I also have OCD).

1) Firstly I absolutely love colouring. I have found it really helpful in giving me something to focus on and just being in the moment without constantly having several thoughts rushing through my head. It helps make me more relaxed so I can face challenges better too.

2) Planning something whether be a day out or activity with the kiddos I get pleasure from. Especially when it goes smoothly. I find it detracts me away from stress as again I focus on the here and now without worrying about things that I don't necessarily need too.

3) Personally for me there is something amazing about putting your head on a cold pillow.  Maybe because going into my bedroom (which is not often a lot cooler than other places in my home) can calm me down. I have several trips throughout the day to my room for 'timeout'. I found my temperatures get really hot when I'm anxious and faffing therefore feeling something cool can soothe me.

4) I have social anxiety, I do go out now but I tend to feel very anxious and on edge. So when I am using public transport I use a stress ball to help relax me when I get overwhelmed. It distracts me and I get to get rid of all that pend up energy and frustration.

5) This sounds weird when writing this down but brushing my hair helps relieve stress and I love the feeling after.

I know a lot of this stuff is a hands-on or sensory element but I am not one for sitting still I struggle sitting at the Dinner table for five minutes.

Cheers for reading X

Preventing burnout

Hey readers,

It is the end of the week, yet again I am pooped, my body is aching and I feel like I can do the bare minimum. I can only come to the conclusion that I am suffering from burnout. 

As an autistic person, I don't have as much energy as a neurotypical person because It takes a lot more energy to deal with the difficulties that I to face throughout the day. 

So, I am have been searching recently on ways to try and help ease the burnout and thought maybe others would like to hear on what has worked for me.

Make sure that during the day I have time out, where I don't have to think but just be. This is not a time where I learn anything or have to remember certain cues, it's a time to allow my brain to switch off and relax.

Being kind to myself - so easy to say but putting it into to practice is hard, especially if you are a perfectionist and give yourself a hard time. Looking at the small positive things that you have done during the day is a reminder that you’re doing ok.

Accepting that I cannot be superhuman and my energy is limited. The major thing that I struggle to do is ask for help or accept that it is ok for another person to do something, it does not mean you are a failure.

Being realistic with what you can achieve and focusing on sectioning out the important stuff and not so important. Learning the art of negotiating and leaving somethings for another time helps me make the day not so overwhelming.

Having a list and writing them in order of importance, plus giving those time frames helps me feel less overwhelmed and feel more comfortable about how my day is going to pan out.

What ways help you in dealing with burnout? Love to hear what you think in the comment section down below.

Cheers for reading X

Autistic Feet

Hey readers,

My feet hurt today as a result of overusing them yesterday. I know so what?! 

Here is the thing why I am talking about my feet is the fact I am autistic you see and my feet posture is not very good.

 I have always had problems with standing and the way I coordinate my feet with walking.

I am so clumsy as well when I walk. I am guaranteed to trip up even if there is nothing there. 
The amount of bashing my toes into stuff and cursing under my breathe is unreal. My husband affectionately finds it funny.

I also shuffle my feet, especially when I am stressed. I am constantly getting told stop shuffling your feet like I am some kind of child.

You don't realise how hard it is to put one foot in front of the other. It can be really challenging. 

I never really thought about my physical problems when I was younger and now as an autistic adult, I am still learning.

It is my arms I struggle with - not really knowing what to do with them when I walk. I find them painful and just frustrating. It is like I have to train my mind to swing my arms when I walk. It is so difficult as I am rubbish at doing two tasks at the same time.

One of the major problems that I struggle with as an autistic person is using my spacial awareness skills and navigating around objects and people.

 I am not good at forward planning especially in a busy place where I am over stimulated with the sensory information. 

Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed that I need to sit down and take a moment to take a break because of how mentally exhausting it is.

If I don't think about my walking and focus on it, I really struggle with bumping into things or trip up.

We as a human are meant to learn this skill at an early age and it to be developed. 

Therefore not having to think about it as it is a long term in implicit memory. It is wired in the brain so you don't have to think about it, it is second nature. 

 Being an autistic person we miss out on this opportunity and I do wonder before language evolved how many humans died due to lack of 'natural' skills due to having a different way of thinking.

So, therefore if you do wonder why do us autistic people get SO tired this is a little insight because we have to constantly work our arses off and remembering all these 'natural' rules that people take for granted.

Cheers for reading X

A Boy Made Of Blocks by Keith Stuart (Review)

Hey readers,

Today I am sharing a review of A Boy Made Of Blocks by Keith Stuart. It is losing based on the author's relationship with his autistic son.

This book has a main theme of Alex who is the dad of his son, called Sam. Sam is a child who is diagnosed with high functioning autism so, he can communicate but to what extend no one is really sure.

Alex has been the main breadwinner, whilst his wife had to leave her job to cater to Sam's needs 24/7. 

Naturally, this seems to have caused a rift between Alex and Jody due to pressure, stress, confusion etc when raising an autistic child.

As we have found out further along in the book that communication between Alex and Jody was broken down, therefore, causing Jody to call time on their marriage, for now, it was deemed a trial separation.

On that Sunday Alex left the family home feeling devastated, so he moved into a friend's apartment which was a typical bachelor pad with all the mod cons including an Xbox.

Alex gets into a more depressing situation when the mangers at his job have changed and decided that they no longer need Alex as a mortgage adviser. Therefore Alex decided to take three-month redundancy deal that the company offered as an incentive.

This causes Alex to spirals into depression.

A new arrangement between Jody and Alex where on a Saturday Alex would look after Sam.

 Normally Alex and Sam would go to the park but this worried Alex particularly as Sam was hostile to other children and very scared of dogs. 

Their relationship is very basic and it is all new for both Sam and Alex where they are at the beginning of a journey if you will in finding out about one another.

Jody buys Sam an Xbox and then gets into the game Minecraft. Sam desperately wants his dad to join in. At first, Alex sees this of pain especially as Sam is constantly calling Alex to check every small development in the game.

There were issues that were concerning Alex around technology and whether it was good for Sam to spend such a long time on the Xbox. 

However, this game was a great distraction for Sam as he could totally escape all his worries, especially as he was getting bullied at school for being different. 

We find out later on in the book that it is quite clear that when dad does get involved playing Minecraft with Sam it sort of strengths communication and building a stronger relationship between father and son.

When Sam is not the centre of attention he is more open and thinks clearer without having to worry about talking and what to have to say. Rather, the communication flow is more natural between Sam and Alex. 

This has helped Alex understand his son better through the game and can be less jumping to ideas bur more empathetic to why Sam does the things he does. 

I find this such a  brilliant insight into knowing about Autism. Sometimes, you need to have some sort of physical activity that is about order and structure to help ease the anxiety for a person with autism and help the communication between two people.

There are obviously other branches of 'drama' if you will regarding Alex's brother who died due to a car incident when Alex was young. The theme around guilt, running away and facing up to things is a big topic at the end. 

His sister, mum and Alex all learn to face up to doubts and thoughts. With the main notion of communicating their worries can break down the tension and built back relationships instead of hiding for fear of the outcome. 

This can help the process of grief and move forward in all the individual's lives.

There are little nuggets of wisdom from Sam and we can learn a lot from Sam with making things simple outlook of the human race. Seeing them as objects and colours that need to fit together.

Overall, it is a heartwarming story and tells the tale of strangers almost rebuilding and strengthening the relationship between families. I love the fact that it is a personal account and feels real rather than just listening again and again to the rubbish of the professionals.

There is a new book after this one which I will definitely be reading in the future be as it would be lovely to hear the new developments of what has bee happening in Sam's life.

 Especially, as at the end of this book, Sam has moved to a new school that specialises in autism.

This book is definitely a must if your interested in autism or wants to hear about an autistic parent's point of view.

Cheers for reading X

Mummy will you play with me?

Hey readers, 

Them words.... "mummy, will you play with me?" I dread.

I. HATE. PLAY.

Specifically, imaginary play, the thought of it gives me the shudders. Even after 8 years of being a mother, I hate it. I get so on edge thinking will my child ask me. 

Now I suppose one the struggles is I am not good at thinking outside of the box as it were. I am autistic and just coming up with random ideas is a big bloody struggle truth be told. 

I don't enjoy this type of play. I think the worst bit of it all is the guilt that I have created myself inside my own head that I must be good at imaginary play if I want to be a good mother. 

I know it sounds ridiculous but when you have been observed in playing with your children from professionals you get a bit paranoid. 

Now I am good at constructive play such as colouring in, writing on windows with window pens, reading books etc. 

My kids can come to me and talk to me about anything and I will listen and answer, no problems there. 

I just can't deal with doing things without order or structure and this falls back to being autistic. I walked out once a couple of times when I have been to live performances when they are improvising. 

The thought of being on the spot and having to come up with something is really tricky. It's like my mind goes blank the moment I am under pressure, I just can not think of what to do or say at that moment.

So coming back to play I am trying to be accepting of what I can and can not do. Opening up on this platform makes me feel scared of the judgement I guess but I am going to tell my husband as well.

 I'm scared of being open and saying look I struggle, I don't like it and it fills me with dread. There are some days when I am so anxious about it I will stay up so I am too tired the next day to feel anything. 

I think I am more conscious of my own behaviour due to the intensity of staying at home more. It is tough, really tough. I know I am not alone but it is almost a taboo topic saying you hate the imaginary play. 

I think if I was to accept it more it would relax me better and have a better time. 

I know my boys are looked after and are fine. It is just dealing with the intrusive thoughts in my mind. 

Let's focus a little bit of the positives about not playing imaginary play and letting my little darlings be free to play. 

It teaches them to be independent which isn't a bad thing, it means there more creative when they are bored because they are looking for ways to entertain themselves. 

So in the grand schemes of things not that bad really. Just need to be kinder to myself because we are different and we can't all be good at everything right?

Cheers for reading X 

Why social media is good.

Hey readers,

We all get bogged down in the negative side of social media. So lets for today celebrate all the good aspects of social media because I am a firm believer that there is bad and good in everything if you look close enough.

The internet is a good way to express yourself. I know for me I find verbal communication really, really difficult due to being autistic. Therefore, writing things down on my blog has really helped and it is a therapeutic process in getting my thoughts in order. 

There is also a great autistic community on twitter for example where you can openly discuss topics, it is great to get responses back. It can help other people understand you and help get more personal awareness out on specific topics.

As a parent and someone who struggles with mental health, loneliness is a feeling that has occurred over the years. I find the internet fantastic to connect with other similar people, whether it be through blogging, reading other people's experience, tweeting or even discussing worries/feelings in forums.

 Also,the internet can be a useful way to distract yourself from focusing on negativity. It really has helped me get out of that funk.

The internet can be used to speak to people far away or even close which is vital in helping with mental health. An example of this would be the current situation we are dealing with regarding coronavirus and social distancing. Using communicational platforms such as Facebook messenger and WhatsApp helps us connect to people where otherwise it is difficult. Not to mention it is much cheaper compared to phoning someone up. 

The internet is a splendid place if you want to get lost. With so much information out there, it is great to enhance your learning. You can even find scholarly type materials on google or good old YouTube.

The internet is definitely one way to get free entertainment and to do stuff without breaking the bank balance.  There is so many options, some examples are; watching YouTube videos, listening to radio, using social media and evening writing blogs ;)

If we look at recent events from this year especially in politics it demonstrates that the internet has a powerful voice. The cyber-world can influence for the good and make positive changes.

 A example of this would be with the way the internet has evolved politics with such matters of politicians being more transparency, though it is a slow process, it is something that is being taken seriously, especially with the way that majority of people get their information from the internet. 

Gone were the days when it was a two leadership battle, with having the internet it opens doors for more choice. Therefore, politicians have to work harder to get them likes and ultimately the power to change the lives of the ordinary public.

The internet is a great source of information where you can educate on all sorts of stuff. Whether be learning a new skill or finding some information for your child's homework there is a wealth of knowledge on the net that can be beneficial with helping your learn. 

What positives do you find in social media? Love to hear your comments in the comment section below.

Cheers for reading X

Regression in adult autism.

Hey readers,

Now that I am an adult with autism I have learnt so much more about me and how autism affects me. One of the things that I have noticed is that at times during my life I have regressed in my behaviour. 

Now, when I am talking about regression and autism this is not when a child is 19 months but actually regression that can occur anytime or age of the individual. 

I myself feel that I have regressed several periods during my life. The same can be said about when I progress. I believe that with autism as a disorder on a spectrum it is fluid and constantly shifting with the times. 

Hence why it is hard to fill out forms when asked for what my life is like with autism on a day to day basis. Let's face if you know someone with autism it changes depending on what is happening in that person's life.

An example of my regression going through changes whilst at university from year one to year two caused me great distress. I had less support, less communication with lecturers and that caused great change and uncertainty.

 I struggled with interpreting instructions especially when they were assignments when I had to be creative and think outside the box. One assignment involved in coming up with an adult that hasn't been thought of before. 

Now, this is hard because this was a mandatory module whereby I had to do the subject even though I wasn't that interested in it.

If you don't know already I am a black and white thinker. When I do something that motivates me I get full-on obsessive or in contrast, demotivated and not bothered at all. 

The changes and dealing with university life causes me at the end of the year to result in me wanting to kill myself basically. I fell into clinical depression, my partner had to supervise me because I could not do anything by myself as I was that depressed.

Other times I have smaller regressions, if I do not go into town for a while I literally get sensory overload, All the scripts I have performed and rehearsed I forget. All the social rules have got muddled up and I really struggle. 

Dare I say it I feel more autistic on these days. It is like I have to keep on top and be aware most of the time or I fall backwards. It is exhausting and at times I have just stayed at home for days and not gone out, feeding more on my regression.

Other times I can move forward and progress if I keep working at it. The one blocker that stops me is burnout when I am so exhausted from trying and working at it for long periods of time that I simply need to stop and shut down. My brain has had enough of all this information, it wants a breather and time to just be.

I have only recently learnt that one of the reasons I get so exhausted if I am in a social environment is because I am on hyperfocus, my brain is on alert all the time, anxiety high and I am just not relaxed. Naturally, my body is just going to say stop and have a break to relax.

So, as you can see regression can be short or long term but autism is constantly shifting between progress and regress.

Cheers for reading X

Positives about lockdown and autism.

Hey readers, 

So I was thinking about the Coronavirus and the whole situation of lockdown in terms of the benefits of the restrictions we currently have to face regarding being autistic like myself.

 Of course, there are lots of elements that heighten my anxiety regarding lockdown. However, this post is focusing on the positive aspects of the lockdown and autism. 

Whilst walking on my daily walk (for mental health cause I need that fresh air) how lovely it was that there was fewer cars and people about.

There feels like a relaxed atmosphere whereby people aren't rushing around in a chaotic manner like pre-Corona times.

 It feels calm even though yes it is totally uncertain and it sucks being told to stay at home under certain conditions. However, I believe there is always good and bad elements in any situation. 

So, I think lockdown can be helpful for people who are autistic like myself. For one reason fewer people are going out meaning quieter times, less noise and more ability to think without loads of busyness occurring around me. 

Going shopping (because there is no chance of getting a shopping slot where I live) therefore I have to go out. However,  I do aim to go out in quieter times so that means fewer people in the shop anyway, therefore, meaning I can focus more on what I need to do. 

Let's not forget the 2-meter rule in the shop which means that people are keeping their distance. It is much better for me as there is a space between people which pleases me because I like my space.

 I don't get as anxious because there are fewer people about in the shop which makes it is so much easier to handle doing the task of getting food when needed. 

If I have to get a bus it is often empty and my God is it something I hardly ever before experienced especially during the day. 

It is so much more relaxing because people don't get in your personal space or try and sit next to you on the bus. With the social distancing makes me feel less dread going on public transport because I get my personal space and people keep their distance. 

Therefore, I don't need to worry about social distancing as I don't like closeness like that anyway so for me I don't need to change my behaviour in regards to that. 

I feel more relaxed going out and when I come home I don't feel as tired because there is fewer things in the outside environment that are triggering for me. 

Before the current situation we are living in at the moment I would have to have some time alone after going out to bring back my anxiety levels down.

I am not as anxious going out because I know it is a lot quieter with fewer people around. I don't have to feel so paranoid when it comes to catching someone's expression because no one is around or people don't like making eye contact during this Corona period I have noticed.  

As I am more relaxed, I am able to do shopping correctly without forgetful or dropping items on the floor because of my shaking hands.

I can focus without my mind chattering 90 miles an hour to the dozen because of the heightened anxiety. 

So as you can see due to the quietness of the impact of the Coronavirus lockdown this means in some situations it can actually help me with my autism. 

Thanks for reading X 

Masking it at a cost.

Hey readers,

 I have had a visitor come round. Every time this happens I feel completely and utterly exhausted. 

I literally can not do anything for the next few hours as it has taken me all my power to deal with the social situation.

 It is not the person, it is just the way that I am programmed with my autistic brain. I just really struggle with long periods of socialising. 

I feel awful for saying this like I am totally anti-social and I am not but I need my time out as well.  

It doesn't help that I also have to parent as well as having to deal with the social situation. I have my children with me and to be quite frank they are not the calm and placid type. 

They go absolutely go bat shit crazy when a visit comes round and trying to calm down is an absolute nightmare when they are this age. 

Therefore, for me it is just so tiring trying to keep both children calm and then deal with the stuff that is happening in my head is a lot of work for me.

 By the end of the social situation, I want to scream and when the person leaves I feel like my whole body just collapses and de-intensifies (if there is such a word).

 I just feel really angry right now, I think it is a direct response from all the frustration and having to pretend all the hours to appear a certain way. 

Yeah, I could be myself but no one wants to see me wild, believe me, and you. Acting is hard for an autistic person because nine times out of ten the individual is already anxious, but then they have to work that much harder to manage the situation.

 What you see is that us autistic people have to learn the art of remembering social equities as we are not naturally social people. 

So, therefore days like today are basically are a mental workout for me and I can guarantee the following day I will have the consequences where I can hardly do anything, other than rest. 

 Cheers for reading X