A Boy Made Of Blocks by Keith Stuart (Review)

Hey readers,

Today I am sharing a review of A Boy Made Of Blocks by Keith Stuart. It is losing based on the author's relationship with his autistic son.

This book has a main theme of Alex who is the dad of his son, called Sam. Sam is a child who is diagnosed with high functioning autism so, he can communicate but to what extend no one is really sure.

Alex has been the main breadwinner, whilst his wife had to leave her job to cater to Sam's needs 24/7. 

Naturally, this seems to have caused a rift between Alex and Jody due to pressure, stress, confusion etc when raising an autistic child.

As we have found out further along in the book that communication between Alex and Jody was broken down, therefore, causing Jody to call time on their marriage, for now, it was deemed a trial separation.

On that Sunday Alex left the family home feeling devastated, so he moved into a friend's apartment which was a typical bachelor pad with all the mod cons including an Xbox.

Alex gets into a more depressing situation when the mangers at his job have changed and decided that they no longer need Alex as a mortgage adviser. Therefore Alex decided to take three-month redundancy deal that the company offered as an incentive.

This causes Alex to spirals into depression.

A new arrangement between Jody and Alex where on a Saturday Alex would look after Sam.

 Normally Alex and Sam would go to the park but this worried Alex particularly as Sam was hostile to other children and very scared of dogs. 

Their relationship is very basic and it is all new for both Sam and Alex where they are at the beginning of a journey if you will in finding out about one another.

Jody buys Sam an Xbox and then gets into the game Minecraft. Sam desperately wants his dad to join in. At first, Alex sees this of pain especially as Sam is constantly calling Alex to check every small development in the game.

There were issues that were concerning Alex around technology and whether it was good for Sam to spend such a long time on the Xbox. 

However, this game was a great distraction for Sam as he could totally escape all his worries, especially as he was getting bullied at school for being different. 

We find out later on in the book that it is quite clear that when dad does get involved playing Minecraft with Sam it sort of strengths communication and building a stronger relationship between father and son.

When Sam is not the centre of attention he is more open and thinks clearer without having to worry about talking and what to have to say. Rather, the communication flow is more natural between Sam and Alex. 

This has helped Alex understand his son better through the game and can be less jumping to ideas bur more empathetic to why Sam does the things he does. 

I find this such a  brilliant insight into knowing about Autism. Sometimes, you need to have some sort of physical activity that is about order and structure to help ease the anxiety for a person with autism and help the communication between two people.

There are obviously other branches of 'drama' if you will regarding Alex's brother who died due to a car incident when Alex was young. The theme around guilt, running away and facing up to things is a big topic at the end. 

His sister, mum and Alex all learn to face up to doubts and thoughts. With the main notion of communicating their worries can break down the tension and built back relationships instead of hiding for fear of the outcome. 

This can help the process of grief and move forward in all the individual's lives.

There are little nuggets of wisdom from Sam and we can learn a lot from Sam with making things simple outlook of the human race. Seeing them as objects and colours that need to fit together.

Overall, it is a heartwarming story and tells the tale of strangers almost rebuilding and strengthening the relationship between families. I love the fact that it is a personal account and feels real rather than just listening again and again to the rubbish of the professionals.

There is a new book after this one which I will definitely be reading in the future be as it would be lovely to hear the new developments of what has bee happening in Sam's life.

 Especially, as at the end of this book, Sam has moved to a new school that specialises in autism.

This book is definitely a must if your interested in autism or wants to hear about an autistic parent's point of view.

Cheers for reading X

Mummy will you play with me?

Hey readers, 

Them words.... "mummy, will you play with me?" I dread.

I. HATE. PLAY.

Specifically, imaginary play, the thought of it gives me the shudders. Even after 8 years of being a mother, I hate it. I get so on edge thinking will my child ask me. 

Now I suppose one the struggles is I am not good at thinking outside of the box as it were. I am autistic and just coming up with random ideas is a big bloody struggle truth be told. 

I don't enjoy this type of play. I think the worst bit of it all is the guilt that I have created myself inside my own head that I must be good at imaginary play if I want to be a good mother. 

I know it sounds ridiculous but when you have been observed in playing with your children from professionals you get a bit paranoid. 

Now I am good at constructive play such as colouring in, writing on windows with window pens, reading books etc. 

My kids can come to me and talk to me about anything and I will listen and answer, no problems there. 

I just can't deal with doing things without order or structure and this falls back to being autistic. I walked out once a couple of times when I have been to live performances when they are improvising. 

The thought of being on the spot and having to come up with something is really tricky. It's like my mind goes blank the moment I am under pressure, I just can not think of what to do or say at that moment.

So coming back to play I am trying to be accepting of what I can and can not do. Opening up on this platform makes me feel scared of the judgement I guess but I am going to tell my husband as well.

 I'm scared of being open and saying look I struggle, I don't like it and it fills me with dread. There are some days when I am so anxious about it I will stay up so I am too tired the next day to feel anything. 

I think I am more conscious of my own behaviour due to the intensity of staying at home more. It is tough, really tough. I know I am not alone but it is almost a taboo topic saying you hate the imaginary play. 

I think if I was to accept it more it would relax me better and have a better time. 

I know my boys are looked after and are fine. It is just dealing with the intrusive thoughts in my mind. 

Let's focus a little bit of the positives about not playing imaginary play and letting my little darlings be free to play. 

It teaches them to be independent which isn't a bad thing, it means there more creative when they are bored because they are looking for ways to entertain themselves. 

So in the grand schemes of things not that bad really. Just need to be kinder to myself because we are different and we can't all be good at everything right?

Cheers for reading X 

Why social media is good.

Hey readers,

We all get bogged down in the negative side of social media. So lets for today celebrate all the good aspects of social media because I am a firm believer that there is bad and good in everything if you look close enough.

The internet is a good way to express yourself. I know for me I find verbal communication really, really difficult due to being autistic. Therefore, writing things down on my blog has really helped and it is a therapeutic process in getting my thoughts in order. 

There is also a great autistic community on twitter for example where you can openly discuss topics, it is great to get responses back. It can help other people understand you and help get more personal awareness out on specific topics.

As a parent and someone who struggles with mental health, loneliness is a feeling that has occurred over the years. I find the internet fantastic to connect with other similar people, whether it be through blogging, reading other people's experience, tweeting or even discussing worries/feelings in forums.

 Also,the internet can be a useful way to distract yourself from focusing on negativity. It really has helped me get out of that funk.

The internet can be used to speak to people far away or even close which is vital in helping with mental health. An example of this would be the current situation we are dealing with regarding coronavirus and social distancing. Using communicational platforms such as Facebook messenger and WhatsApp helps us connect to people where otherwise it is difficult. Not to mention it is much cheaper compared to phoning someone up. 

The internet is a splendid place if you want to get lost. With so much information out there, it is great to enhance your learning. You can even find scholarly type materials on google or good old YouTube.

The internet is definitely one way to get free entertainment and to do stuff without breaking the bank balance.  There is so many options, some examples are; watching YouTube videos, listening to radio, using social media and evening writing blogs ;)

If we look at recent events from this year especially in politics it demonstrates that the internet has a powerful voice. The cyber-world can influence for the good and make positive changes.

 A example of this would be with the way the internet has evolved politics with such matters of politicians being more transparency, though it is a slow process, it is something that is being taken seriously, especially with the way that majority of people get their information from the internet. 

Gone were the days when it was a two leadership battle, with having the internet it opens doors for more choice. Therefore, politicians have to work harder to get them likes and ultimately the power to change the lives of the ordinary public.

The internet is a great source of information where you can educate on all sorts of stuff. Whether be learning a new skill or finding some information for your child's homework there is a wealth of knowledge on the net that can be beneficial with helping your learn. 

What positives do you find in social media? Love to hear your comments in the comment section below.

Cheers for reading X

Regression in adult autism.

Hey readers,

Now that I am an adult with autism I have learnt so much more about me and how autism affects me. One of the things that I have noticed is that at times during my life I have regressed in my behaviour. 

Now, when I am talking about regression and autism this is not when a child is 19 months but actually regression that can occur anytime or age of the individual. 

I myself feel that I have regressed several periods during my life. The same can be said about when I progress. I believe that with autism as a disorder on a spectrum it is fluid and constantly shifting with the times. 

Hence why it is hard to fill out forms when asked for what my life is like with autism on a day to day basis. Let's face if you know someone with autism it changes depending on what is happening in that person's life.

An example of my regression going through changes whilst at university from year one to year two caused me great distress. I had less support, less communication with lecturers and that caused great change and uncertainty.

 I struggled with interpreting instructions especially when they were assignments when I had to be creative and think outside the box. One assignment involved in coming up with an adult that hasn't been thought of before. 

Now, this is hard because this was a mandatory module whereby I had to do the subject even though I wasn't that interested in it.

If you don't know already I am a black and white thinker. When I do something that motivates me I get full-on obsessive or in contrast, demotivated and not bothered at all. 

The changes and dealing with university life causes me at the end of the year to result in me wanting to kill myself basically. I fell into clinical depression, my partner had to supervise me because I could not do anything by myself as I was that depressed.

Other times I have smaller regressions, if I do not go into town for a while I literally get sensory overload, All the scripts I have performed and rehearsed I forget. All the social rules have got muddled up and I really struggle. 

Dare I say it I feel more autistic on these days. It is like I have to keep on top and be aware most of the time or I fall backwards. It is exhausting and at times I have just stayed at home for days and not gone out, feeding more on my regression.

Other times I can move forward and progress if I keep working at it. The one blocker that stops me is burnout when I am so exhausted from trying and working at it for long periods of time that I simply need to stop and shut down. My brain has had enough of all this information, it wants a breather and time to just be.

I have only recently learnt that one of the reasons I get so exhausted if I am in a social environment is because I am on hyperfocus, my brain is on alert all the time, anxiety high and I am just not relaxed. Naturally, my body is just going to say stop and have a break to relax.

So, as you can see regression can be short or long term but autism is constantly shifting between progress and regress.

Cheers for reading X

Positives about lockdown and autism.

Hey readers, 

So I was thinking about the Coronavirus and the whole situation of lockdown in terms of the benefits of the restrictions we currently have to face regarding being autistic like myself.

 Of course, there are lots of elements that heighten my anxiety regarding lockdown. However, this post is focusing on the positive aspects of the lockdown and autism. 

Whilst walking on my daily walk (for mental health cause I need that fresh air) how lovely it was that there was fewer cars and people about.

There feels like a relaxed atmosphere whereby people aren't rushing around in a chaotic manner like pre-Corona times.

 It feels calm even though yes it is totally uncertain and it sucks being told to stay at home under certain conditions. However, I believe there is always good and bad elements in any situation. 

So, I think lockdown can be helpful for people who are autistic like myself. For one reason fewer people are going out meaning quieter times, less noise and more ability to think without loads of busyness occurring around me. 

Going shopping (because there is no chance of getting a shopping slot where I live) therefore I have to go out. However,  I do aim to go out in quieter times so that means fewer people in the shop anyway, therefore, meaning I can focus more on what I need to do. 

Let's not forget the 2-meter rule in the shop which means that people are keeping their distance. It is much better for me as there is a space between people which pleases me because I like my space.

 I don't get as anxious because there are fewer people about in the shop which makes it is so much easier to handle doing the task of getting food when needed. 

If I have to get a bus it is often empty and my God is it something I hardly ever before experienced especially during the day. 

It is so much more relaxing because people don't get in your personal space or try and sit next to you on the bus. With the social distancing makes me feel less dread going on public transport because I get my personal space and people keep their distance. 

Therefore, I don't need to worry about social distancing as I don't like closeness like that anyway so for me I don't need to change my behaviour in regards to that. 

I feel more relaxed going out and when I come home I don't feel as tired because there is fewer things in the outside environment that are triggering for me. 

Before the current situation we are living in at the moment I would have to have some time alone after going out to bring back my anxiety levels down.

I am not as anxious going out because I know it is a lot quieter with fewer people around. I don't have to feel so paranoid when it comes to catching someone's expression because no one is around or people don't like making eye contact during this Corona period I have noticed.  

As I am more relaxed, I am able to do shopping correctly without forgetful or dropping items on the floor because of my shaking hands.

I can focus without my mind chattering 90 miles an hour to the dozen because of the heightened anxiety. 

So as you can see due to the quietness of the impact of the Coronavirus lockdown this means in some situations it can actually help me with my autism. 

Thanks for reading X 

Masking it at a cost.

Hey readers,

 I have had a visitor come round. Every time this happens I feel completely and utterly exhausted. 

I literally can not do anything for the next few hours as it has taken me all my power to deal with the social situation.

 It is not the person, it is just the way that I am programmed with my autistic brain. I just really struggle with long periods of socialising. 

I feel awful for saying this like I am totally anti-social and I am not but I need my time out as well.  

It doesn't help that I also have to parent as well as having to deal with the social situation. I have my children with me and to be quite frank they are not the calm and placid type. 

They go absolutely go bat shit crazy when a visit comes round and trying to calm down is an absolute nightmare when they are this age. 

Therefore, for me it is just so tiring trying to keep both children calm and then deal with the stuff that is happening in my head is a lot of work for me.

 By the end of the social situation, I want to scream and when the person leaves I feel like my whole body just collapses and de-intensifies (if there is such a word).

 I just feel really angry right now, I think it is a direct response from all the frustration and having to pretend all the hours to appear a certain way. 

Yeah, I could be myself but no one wants to see me wild, believe me, and you. Acting is hard for an autistic person because nine times out of ten the individual is already anxious, but then they have to work that much harder to manage the situation.

 What you see is that us autistic people have to learn the art of remembering social equities as we are not naturally social people. 

So, therefore days like today are basically are a mental workout for me and I can guarantee the following day I will have the consequences where I can hardly do anything, other than rest. 

 Cheers for reading X

Tiredness and autism

Hey readers,

Did I ever tell you that I like order? if you have previously read my blog then you will know I am a lover of control.

I am not the spontaneous type. I like planning and knowing what to expect. Which is ironic as my husband is the complete opposite and yes there are heated arguments at times.

 No one wins, I just go to bed and say f*ck it! I have little energy. Unless my autistic brain goes into overdrive when my husband will be treated to a full-on meltdown. joy!

I sometimes see parents and I know we shouldn't compare but I do believe that it is innate from our ancestors as a technique to help stay on top of survival. 

However, in this day and age, it is now used overboard, yes that does includes me too.

I see people have days packed with things to do with the family. 

Someone I know even when to a country park for 5 hours, me I couldn't do it. My autistic brain gets tired with so many stimuli I am exhausted and mentally and physically after an hour or two.

 Hats of to parents who can keep kids entertained but most mornings I can't get my body to move as I am so tired. It doesn't help that I am on medication that makes me very groggy.

I yet again feel rubbish about myself, yep it is a common theme where I batter myself with nasties because in my head I am not enough to be a parent.

I know this is ridiculousness but when you are in the moment and your anxiety is sky high your brain will trick you into believing it. 

It feels real and that takes up a hell of a lot of energy. I spend most of the time cursing and wishing I didn't have autism.

I try to do crafts with the boy, I can barely reach the first instruction without me failing. I am rubbish at instructions and if they are not basic and when I say basic I mean it. It is something about reading and processing the information that gets muddles up in my messy mind. 

Guess what here we go again I beat myself up because I can't do the simplest of things at times. My intentions are good but sometimes I just get fed up with myself that I wonder why do I bother because I love my son and what to do things for him.

So yeah it is another whingeing post but this is my life as an autistic parent (a parent with autism) and the struggles are very real. It may only be small but they soon stack up and it takes its toll on you. 

It can grind you down day in day out faced with challenges and how to overcome the challenges. So, you can understand why I get so worn out, it is hard work trying to navigate through a neurotypical world with autism. 

This is especially true for an adult with autism as people assume you have grown out of autism when you reach adulthood. By the way yes that is a true story and that comment has been said to me before

Cheers for reading X

paranoia and autism

Hey readers, 

Paranoia it seems like a close friend all of these years lurking in the background of murky mind that comes out when I feel scared, threatened or vulnerable.

I suppose you could say it is partially due to past trauma from emotional abuse where I was told every day by the perpetrator that they are watching you and they know everything.

 It left me on tenterhooks, always worried whether I am doing the right thing. This was pretty hard to achieve when you have autism and screw up so often that I may as well give up achieving this the expectation of me when it is never going to be in reach.

This abuse happened a long time and it left a lasting effect on my self-esteem and the way I view people. 

I don’t trust maybe people. Again in my adulthood, I was let down by my best friend with untrue claims that nearly broke my family up. Sadly, her claims were flawed and with time I rebuild my family unit. However, it once again left me feeling vulnerable and a struggle to trust people.

I fear that I am often judged because of my autism, I don’t actually, tell most people about my autism, I still struggle with my disability even after all these years.

 I have been judged so much over my life that it is hard to be open plus I hate my autism, it stops me from being something that I will never achieve.

If you are wondering who knows about my autism well it is more the fact that my husband tells people. 

He thinks people should know but I don’t want people to know, I want to put my barrier up and put myself in a vulnerable situation. However, I know he is right but when I am feeling scared I want to hideaway.

My husband is what would call an advocate about being open and honest telling people about autism.

 He talks to other parents about it and it makes me unhappy, it makes me very paranoia that people are talking about me and it stems back to the original trauma. 

My mind can't deal with it as I am not in control and my thoughts go into overdrive. They are intrusive and when I am having a bad day I am so emotional by the end I don’t even know how I have made it that day. 

The thoughts are so rapid and intense that it leaves me washed out, I am emotionally drained and that is when the paranoia creeps up and attacks my vulnerability. 

I will be honest it scary because it feels so real and I don’t have the confidence in myself to stand up to the intrusive thoughts. As the thoughts feel so real, that they cannot possibly be untrue.

I don’t really know the point of this post, I am going through this episode now and just feels therapeutic to get the words down. It gives me some sort of focus to write that it stops the repetitiveness and gives my mind a much-earned rest from the intense ideas that float about endlessly.

Cheers for reading X

Autism and personal space.

Hey readers, 

You have probably gathered from reading some of my posts on my blog that I am autistic. 

One of the major things, when I think about something that is important to me and on my autistic life is personal space. 

I put a huge emphasis on this because it has a big influence on my mindset and how I respond to day to day life. 

When I refer to space it could mean when people get to close to me which I am not a fan of espeically with people I do not know.

 I only have a few selective people that make me feel comfortable when they come into my space.

 I get very distressed for example when I accidentally touch a stranger on the bus, or someone who sits very close to me who I  do not know. 

It feels like my whole skin is crawling and my body tenses up. I am not a touchy-feely person.

 I don't trust and sometimes there are days when I limit physical contact as I may be feeling not well with my anxiety or I am over stimulated with everything that is currently happening to me in my environment.

I know there is more prominence to autistic individuals who are space invaders but some of us like me are people who are distant when it comes to getting close to people.

When I think MY space I think of one place in my home which belongs to me. I identify this place as safe and somewhere I go to when I am stressed having a meltdown or need a time out from the business of my environment. 

It is important to me because I rely on that safety feeling associated with my safe space and that calms me down when I am anxious. 

Not much of my home belongs purely to me naturally having children a lot of toys and stuff around. 

That is fine I accept that but if my small area gets obstructed or my husband makes a mess of the room this makes me stressed and very angry. 

I struggle to see beyond that moment so feel like the situation when my space gets messed up feels like it will be forever.

Of course, it is not and when I am calm I can think logically. However, when you are anxious and have to deal with change this is a struggle. Not to mention navigating to a new plan to help when you're already in an emotional state it is difficult to see any other solution then my whole world is falling apart.

 I guess this why people who have a lack of knowledge about autism will just see me as having a 'strope' or being a diva. 

It is isn't the materialistic space it is the knowledge that I have my safe space that I can rely on at times of distress that comfort me knowing that it is quiet and somewhere I can trust. 

Along with the physical space I have my sensory items that bring comfort to me such as a heated blanket and lying under a lot of weight to make me feel secure and safe. 

I also can use my noise canelling headphones and soft lighting all help calm me down when I am distressed or dealing with a meltdown or shutdown. 

All the little things add up and once they get taken down I feel broken because they are my  coping mechanisms. They're the things that help me deal with day to day life.

 Likewise, if I have the safety net of my safe place it can help me calm down. It provides a sense of control and reduces me having emotional outbursts because I know that I have a backup plan when things go wrong. It is the small things that make a huge difference. 

Cheers for reading X 

Ongoing minefield of parenting

Hey readers,

Sometimes I lie in my bed at four in the morning and I am just staring at the ceiling and my tummy is filled with dread. My thoughts are filled with fear and I wonder how I am going to get through another day as a parent.

I don't feel confident at all and I am always questioning everything. Sometimes, I get annoyed with my husband, how he could allow me to be a parent when I am totally useless. I am always tired and things seem to take a long time to master. I seem to make the same mistakes over and over again.

I am now sitting in my son's assembly hall waiting and feeling yet again that familiar feeling of being a true outcast or black sheep. This feeling is not new to me, it comes frequently where I feel like I am an outsider looking through the glass where I just can't reach through. It feels so close yet so far away.

There are other times when I get jealous of my husband, he can just get things and communicate really well. I am sitting back permanently struggling and my tummy is in knots with anxiety. 

He does try to understand my neurosis bless him but he is the complete opposite of me. I watch on as he mingles and just gets these social rules that I seem to get muddled and fail all the time. I just get things, or I am just an anxious state of a person. 

That is one good thing about summer holidays even though I am dealing with the change but not having to think. I over-analysis I know but at least it gives me a break where I don't have to feel completely sh*t again. I know I will never be one of them, good parents that I so desperately want to be, I mess up it is a natural talent of mine. I just get so fed up with it all and after takes its time.

 It hurts deep and it so damn frustrating. It is a minefield and just getting through the day is a challenge in its self. The thoughts that trigger me are so strong, they keep me awake and let me every time my downfalls. I just need to a breather, time away and not to think that would be totally blissful.

I remember when I was pregnant dreaming of being this type of parent that would swim into motherhood like flies to poo. Sadly, it hasn't happened, to delusion, I am nothing that I expected. I thought I would be good at communicating because I was living this role as a mother that it would all somehow come to a place.

 That I would have this maternal instinct. The only thing that I am good at it appears to be is hanging up the washing and creating random fun stories for my boy. It is not much, I am never good at small talk but I take it now and I got to learn to accept the situation for what it is.

Cheers for reading X