Being an autistic mum at school.

Hey readers,



Today I feel defeated once again. Once again I feel like I have let my children down in the fact that I can't perform as good as the other parents. I have decided to say no to going to school assembly because it is too much for me and my autism. 

I will confess that I hate my children's assembly which is held every Friday morning. I have done it for over two years and now I admit defeat. It is getting more crowded with classes and my senses are getting worked up. 

I get sensory overload as a result of being autistic. I get it really bad and sadly attending assembly is just unbearable. I feel rubbish because I wanted to be this perfect parent but I am not. It is making me feel physically sick from being exposed to the bright lights, the noise, the anxiety and the general chaos of kids coming and going. 

It appears I suffer from motion sickness, only recently has been bothering me. Therefore when kids run to take a sit and go past to go back to their class my head is in a spin. Don't get me wrong nothing personal, I think kids are great and much prefer them to adults - simple and you know what you are getting. 

Sadly, I don't mix well and occasional can be found to put my foot in it. I notice now that parents in cliches and chat. It hurts me because I feel rejected and the black sheep. Ok, my husband is here but I full well know next week when I am not he will be one of them. Yes, I am envious that he can jel and be a normal person, where I will always struggle. 

With having a disability that affects my parenting and stops me from doing things I am constantly trying to compensate for this as a way to balance it out. I don't know why because to be honest my kids love me, they understand and we discuss my autism. 

My eldest completely emphasises and never says a bad word. He has potential autism and that is the one good thing in a way is that with my autism I have inside knowledge and can help him in some areas. Just don't expect me to deal with emotions and relationships because that is not my area of expertise. I am practical-minded, I can come up with things to do that can distract him but if it is grey then I fail yet again. 

It is non stop guilt for me not being good enough. I know it is only me and I put this pressure on, maybe I care too much and have high expectations. I just wish I could drop them because I love my children and I am very proud of them with whatever they do. But we all have our limits and I am designed differently to most parents. Maybe one day I will find a way to drop this horrible guilt when I can't do something. 

Cheers for reading X 

8 comments

  1. Don't be so hard on your self. Attending an assembly at school every week is a bit much for anyone! It is a lot for the school to ask. When my girls were in primary school it was a couple of assemblies a year where the parents were invited not every week. I know if they did have them every week I wouldn't go all the time. x

    ReplyDelete
  2. Don't beat yourself up Sam. Like Kim said, attending an assembly every week is a bit much! I wouldn't have been best pleased about that if my two were attending school. x

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think I may have autism, but not been diagnosed. I have had problems all my like, mainly with social situation and large number of people. My youngest son was diagnosed last June, and it's only since then that I have realised that I may have it too. #MMBC

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was luckily was diagnosed as a child. I have heard of a lot a parents getting a diagnosis themselves after a child becuase they are more aware. I hope you get an assessment it might help understand the world a bit better X

      Delete
  4. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and live in hope that the strengths outweigh the other most of the time. Parents attending assemblies every week must be unusual. We went once a year for each child and that was it and certainly enough. Please do not think you are letting them down. You are not. #MMBC

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. Phew I am glad I am not alone. I assumed it was the norm as this all I know, it appears it is rather unusual X

      Delete